Recently, I published a piece about how men need to smarten up or become extinct. I meant every word of it. Many men are way too entitled and angry towards women, while destroying the planet through wars and climate impact.
However, there’s one section of that story I now regret including. It’s the part about Leonardo DiCaprio being a poor role model for younger men when it comes to choosing partners. It’s true that he has a sketchy record of continuously dating women half his age, and then ditching them when they “peak” at 25.
Women have a lot of value into their later years — as leaders, as innovators, as mothers, as caregivers, and as partners. Continuously dating younger partners seems to turn a blind eye to all these other qualities.
I can definitely see how it looks in the case of DiCaprio: he is a super-rich, super successful actor. Perhaps people think he’s using his Hollywood influence in exchange for the company of beautiful young women? That might be obvious, but there’s no direct evidence of this that I can find.
Besides, it’s not like he’s dating nobodies. The young women he’s with already have launched successful careers in modelling or film. They didn’t really need him in order to be known.
Unfortunately, many of my readers fixated on this particular point in my article about Leo — which isn’t ideal, as it wasn’t my main argument for why men need to improve. The readers rightly pointed out that celebrities could date whomever they want. For the most part, I agree.
I understand that some may be of the opinion that any age gap is a power imbalance — and I can’t really prove otherwise. But it also got me wondering: what do the actor’s younger partners think about him (at least in public)? From what I’ve read, they have only praise for Leo. I know there could be more to the story, but it’s not really fair to assume.
Women under 25 are not clueless by default
The biggest argument from detractors of Leo’s dating life is that human brains aren’t fully developed until the age of 25. That’s been demonstrated by science. So the assumption is that Leo (and others who date younger partners) must be manipulating anyone aged below the quarter-century milestone.
But hold on a second. By saying these young women are all being taken advantage of, are we also saying they are all naive about their situation? It seems to me we’re also making an assumption that women aged 25 and younger have poor judgement, and need us to rescue them.
I don’t know about you, but I have met many young women (25 and under) who are highly intelligent and self-aware. Most seem to recognize when a relationship is toxic, and leave. They can also vote, drive, and drink alcohol at 21 in the U.S. Should we be allowing anyone under 25 to do those last three things, if their brain isn’t fully formed?
We’re questioning younger women’s cognitive skills relating to dating, but it paints a negative overall picture of their intelligence. In fact, young women underestimate even their own intelligence at times.
Then there’s the point raised that the undeveloped part of the under-25 brain is tied to impulse control. I could see how lack of impulse control can lead to decisions that aren’t in a young person’s best interest. However, age-gap relationships can last for years — they’re not always short flings springing from lack of forethought. (However, there is some research that says age-gap relationship quality declines over time.)
Some young women actually prefer older guys for their experience and maturity — who are we to tell them that’s wrong, as long as no one’s getting hurt (and it’s legal, obviously)?
Some age gap partnerships are truly abusive
There’s no doubt that many age-gap relationships are shit. It’s true that younger partners are generally more impressionable, and may not recognize red flags of male partners as easily.
Unfortunately, women over 25 are not immune to abuse either. Violence is regularly committed against women of all ages, and sometimes they don’t have the means to escape the situation. I’m truly sorry for any woman who has been manipulated by an asshole who preyed on their inexperience or life circumstances. I’m not saying that older partners haven’t damaged women. They definitely have.
However, I am also raising the point that maybe we can trust younger women to make their own decisions, unless they really don’t understand they’re in danger — or they ask for help. Making assumptions about the mindset of younger women comes across as ageist (“they just don’t know any better.”) Every relationship is different, and we can’t assume we know what’s going on behind closed doors.
I will end with this: Men in a position of power who convince younger women into sleeping with them (without regard for their well-being), or promise women something in return for sex (I’ll make you famous!) can piss right off.
If the only quality you’re seeking in a younger partner is their youth, then don’t expect them to be happy for too long.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
Amazingly the author fails to point out one aspect of why some men seek out a younger woman. Younger women tend to not be as emotionally or psychologically damaged as extensively by previous relationships. Examples; the woman that has been cheated on that now believes “all men cheat”. The women that firmly think that a man should work himself to death while she sits doing nothing all day because “that’s a man’s job”. There are many 2 way streets on this subject and concentrating on one aspect to say they are specifically “the problem” is a major part of the… Read more »