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I have a friend who’s a fireman. When we moved into our new house, he came over and took a look at our smoke detectors. He talked to the kids about fire safety and we planned where we would go if there was a fire. Our friend told us to be sure to check the smoke detectors and change the batteries. I shook my head in agreement, even though I knew I wouldn’t do it. I’ve bought four houses. I’ve never checked the smoke detectors and I’ve never proactively changed the batteries. Then the batteries die … always at 2:00 a.m. This always results in me cussing at myself for not taking the five minutes it would have taken to change the batteries before there was a problem.
The reality is that our boys are often learning more about sexual assault via social media than they are from us.
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It occurred to me this is kind of like talking to our boys about sexual assault. We spend a lot of time proactively talking to our girls about sexual assault. Heck, I travel the country talking to women and girls about how to stay safe. For 14 years I was a Special Agent with NCIS and interrogated an untold number of rapists, although I never asked any of them who talked to them about how to prevent sexual assault. It wasn’t until I started working with men’s groups that I realized no one is talking to them.
We’ve all been quick to identify men & boys as the problem, but what solution have we offered? It seems like most of us have just waited until the smoke detector goes off at 2:00 a.m. to address the problem.
We just assume our boys “know better.”
Certainly, they wouldn’t hurt anyone.
Definitely, our kid would step up in a group if there was a woman who needed help.
But, have we ever actually talked to our boys about the possibility? Have we ever had a direct conversation with him about how he can prevent sexual assault?
It’s up to us to talk to them about what affirmative consent means.
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If he’s an athlete, we assume the coach will teach him. If he’s a great student, we assume he’s smart and wouldn’t make a stupid decision. If he’s an introvert, we assume he wouldn’t be very interested in girls anyway.
But what’s the reality? The reality is we spend an inordinate amount of time talking to our girls about how not to get raped. The reality is that our boys are often learning more about sexual assault via social media than they are from us.
With such focus on sexual assault on our college campuses, this is a great time to start the conversation. We need to tell our boys the very real ramifications of sexual assault. It’s up to us to talk to them about what affirmative consent means. We have to talk to them about what to do if group mentality is leaning towards making someone a victim. We must teach our boys to stand up and be the strong young men we know they can be. We have to address the issue before the fire alarm goes off.
How do we start the conversation? Well, how do we start the conversation with our girls? We’re direct. No beating around the bush. Is it an awkward conversation? Sometimes, yes. It’s also an ongoing conversation. It’s not a one-time chat at the dinner table. The news reports are a great opportunity to start. Ask what your boys think about the reports. What have they heard at school? You might be surprised to hear what they have to say.
Wouldn’t it be easier to have that awkward conversation with our boys, rather than have an even harder conversation with our daughter after she was sexually assaulted?
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Photo: GettyImages
Boys and men are also victims of abuse and sexual assault. Perhaps you don’t know this.