Every day I get emails like the following one. I wanted to share this with you, in case you are in a similar situation and feeling all alone, in the hopes that you might at least feel a little less alone by knowing that you and Kim are in similar terrible situations.
Without the full weight of society changing the way that we view family bullying and without the full weight of society making it much less okay for parents to tyrannize their children, little will change. But maybe Kim’s story will help you feel a little less alone. I hope so.
Kim wrote:
Hello Dr. Maisel,
I’ve read several of your articles and books in the hopes they would help me.
I am currently struggling with my family. I am a 17-year-old senior, hoping to end up in a college next year. My parents are very strict Korean immigrants, and are definitely authoritarian. We’ve been in a countless number of fights. Up until only a year or so ago, my parents have been quite abusive.
They have a strong mindset that they are always right, and even if they are wrong we must not call them out since children must always listen to their parents. They do not understand that we are living in America in 2020, not Korea 50 years ago.
I’ve been having nightmares, had suicidal thoughts until just recently, and I’ve had severe depression for years now. My family has been to a countless number of counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists. Several of them believe I have ADHD and I am bipolar, though my parents refuse to believe it.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve survived 17 years with them. There are only months left until I am free from them. However, I’m not sure I can survive. I’m at a point where I don’t know if I can continue on. Physical separation is impossible, given my room is right next to my parents’, and if I go anywhere in the house they get suspicious of me and follow me.
They’ve installed cameras everywhere. Psychological separation is also impossible. I’ve read a countless number of articles, hoping I could be independent and strong somehow. However, my self-esteem and confidence have lowered greatly, and I constantly think of the consequences my parents would give me whenever I do something.
I feel like I’m trapped in a cage, and even when I go to college, I won’t be free of them. I’m stressed out about how I’ll pay my college tuition, since they firmly told me they wouldn’t pay. They’ve constantly told me they want me to leave the house, but I don’t have anywhere to go. I’ve been trying to get an online part-time job as an English/math tutor for pre-k to middle school students and an oboe instructor, since I’m planning on majoring in oboe performance. However, it’s hard to find students. I don’t have a car, or even a license, so I can’t go and try to find jobs at stores either.
How can I survive? Please help. My mind is filled with thoughts like these, and I can’t seem to get through life nowadays.
I let Kim know that things will get better once she leaves home. Getting away from family authoritarians is crucial. To learn more about surviving your authoritarian parent (or sibling, grandparent, etc.), please take a look at my book on this subject.
**
Eric Maisel is the author of 50+ books. You can learn more about him at www.ericmaisel.com, subscribe to all of his blog posts at https://authory.com/ericmaisel, learn more about kirism here, and write him at [email protected]
—