True story…
It’s Mother’s Day and we’re sitting in church.
My husband turns to one of our children, whispers, and exits the pew.
I don’t give it much thought until he doesn’t come back. I lean over and ask my son what his father told him. He says his dad was running to the bathroom.
Makes sense. Why else do people leave in the middle of mass? Sans a fidgety toddler or crying baby.
I send one of my boys to check on their dad in case he is sick.
But there’s no dad in the restroom.
Finally, as the hour comes to a close, my husband returns.
I’m relieved.
Honestly, I’m glad to know he’s feeling okay. We hurry to the car and on to brunch.
By the time we are sitting at the restaurant, I have forgotten all about it.
My husband places a present in front of me. I’m not entirely sure what tips me off. Possibly the disheveled wrapping job and the connecting of the aforementioned dots. Not to mention the techy gift I discover underneath the lovely newspaper turned Hallmark substitute.
“Oh my gosh, you left the church to run to Best Buy and buy this, didn’t you?”
At first, he protests but even my boys are smart enough to understand this is exactly what happened. The closest shop he could make it to, buy something from, and return on time.
Now here’s the interesting albeit sad thing.
I couldn’t stop laughing because this was actually a good Mother’s Day for me. We went to church, out to lunch, AND I got a present. We actually celebrated a lovely day.
Most others were barely observed and often painful.
My husband didn’t quite fall into the man who said, “You’re not mother why would I do something for you?” category.
But he was a close second. He didn’t take any joy in making me happy regardless of the holiday.
Therefore, I took his spiritual sprint to Best Buy as ‘giving it the old college try.’ Success. Good intentions. Effort.
A win in the category of love and relationships.
To be clear. Just so you don’t think I fall into the overly needy woman category. Historically these days were often ruined. My husband was preoccupied with sending me a very direct message.
No one tells me what to do.
But here’s the thing. Two things actually. First, he decided what he was doing when he asked me to marry him and we had children.
And secondly, and most importantly (hint: this is the secret)
Our children go out into the world and they duplicate the relationship they see between their mom and their dad. It’s a part of their family of origin. Essentially we grow up and we marry either our mother or our father or a combination of the two. There are exceptions to this rule but in general, we duplicate relationship patterns from our past.
There are so many parenting books, articles, and classes but few expose this foundational secret.
It is the single most important aspect of loving our children well. And ensuring they are loved equally as well in the future.
It’s something couples should learn from the day we first meet, let alone when we get married and have kids. No matter how much we love our children, their relationship destiny is dictated by how well we love one another as parents.
This bears repeating…
Their relationship destiny is dictated by how well we love one another.
Knowing this, why would we want to usher them into the world to be anything but spectacularly loved by others?
A lot of men will be like my spiritual sprinter.
They will do something out of obligation this Mother’s Day. Grab flowers from the grocery store, buy some chocolates, or a last-minute gift. They might even wrap it in real wrapping paper.
It will seem like a win in the category of love and relationships.
But a true loss for the future.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock