When Jane came into the room she looked pale, her expression fixed in what looked like a permanent grimace. She’d been married for 25 years in what she felt was a loveless marriage. Her parents had introduced her to Ben when she was twenty. They told her he was a great ‘catch’. Ben’s family was wealthy and very influential in the community. Although their marriage wasn’t officially arranged, she felt that there was no option but to go along with it. She felt anything else would be letting her parents down. She hoped that she’d grow to love him, but as the years went by, she only developed a growing sense of being trapped.
Being stuck in a loveless relationship will ultimately only bring unhappiness.
So what has this got to do with Harry and Meghan?
Harry and Meghan are a little like marmite. People either love them or hate them.
In reality, hardly anyone really knows them. They only know what the media tells them.
But one thing seems clear, at least according to the media. They made their relationship and their love a priority above almost everything else. Including what their family might have wanted for them. Whether or not that is the reality, only they know, but the principle is very important.
Over many years as a therapist, I’ve worked with lots of people who have ended up in relationships that have experienced challenges because of the demands of outside influences, whether that is family, culture or other factors.
Frequently there are situations where the parents of one person disapprove of their partner. Before I became a psychologist and psychotherapist, I was a musician. I remember playing in a string quartet at a wedding reception in London where both families sat on different sides of the room from each other. No-one spoke throughout the entire reception, just glared across the room at each other. You could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. Whatever grievances or dislike the families had for each other made for a less than ideal wedding day. Who knows what happened afterwards, but I imagine it could have led to a tumultuous marriage.
You may be in a relationship with someone you really love, but when your family can’t stand them it can create an uncomfortable pressure that can slowly eat away at your relationship. Having to make the choice between your partner and your family can be really challenging and you’re left to continually firefight between people you care about.
Sometimes it is not the family that form the boundary, but societal or cultural conventions which lead to believe ‘how’ a relationship with a partner should be. When the relationship doesn’t seem to follow these unwritten rules, you can feel yourself torn apart in different directions.
Is there anything that you can do to help manage your family if they don’t like your partner?
Even if your parents don’t like your partner, they should at least respect your relationship. Sometimes they disapprove because they don’t believe this person will be good for you. At some level they may be worried about your happiness. However, they don’t realize that they are the ones actually making you unhappy.
Some things you could try to help deal with parents who disapprove are:
- Think about your parents’ perspective
If you can understand why they think the way they do, maybe you and your partner can try to reassure them that everything is actually okay.
- Organize a casual get-together
If you can meet with your parents in a relaxed location without any formal pressure, hopefully, your partner and your parents can get to know each other a little better. Brief your partner on topics your parents like and subjects to avoid. Don’t expect instant results, but over time they might ease up.
- Set boundaries
If your parents won’t let up, you may need to set clear boundaries. Tell them that their behavior is hurting your relationship. Your boundaries may involve not telling your parents certain information about your relationship. It could involve limiting situations where you spend time with your parents, even significant family events.
- Talk to a therapist
If you are finding the whole situation really difficult, it can help to talk to a therapist or counsellor. Talking to someone can be a great way to manage your feelings.
At the end of the day you have chosen to be with your partner. You are the person in your relationship and not your parents, or anyone else. It can be really challenging to deal with, but trying to please other people will never make you happy. We talk various ways to deal with relationships in our weekly podcast.
Harry and Meghan made the huge decision to break with family and societal obligations in order to be fully present in their relationship. Hopefully, for most of us, we wouldn’t have to make the ultimate decision to cut off from our family. Usually, we can find ways of dealing with the situation. However, at the end of the day you need to ask yourself what brings you real happiness and lead the life that you want to.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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