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In the words of Johnny Depp -‘People cry not because they are weak but because they have been strong for too long.’
Talking to a lot of my male clients in the coaching sessions, I have been seeing the emotional side of these men, which was touching a cord within me. These men seemed to want to say so much to their women but for various reasons couldn’t. So I thought what better way to put their perspective out than to write an article about them. Needless to say, this is just one dynamic playing out in the myriad of possibilities for relationships.
Men are emotional beings too. They just have been conditioned by our society to not appear so or express much emotion as it is considered ‘weak.’ A ‘soft’ man, i.e a man with feelings, is harshly judged, both by his male peers as well as many women. The bro-code requires them to be one of the boys and fit in, which very often means pretending that you are all cool and apathetic, especially in the realm of feelings.
On my end, I am still trying to understand why in society emotions are considered such a taboo. Sure, I am all for balance and healthy expression of emotion but not the denial of their existence altogether. I mean, isn’t the fact that I have emotions, the differentiating factor between me and a rock? Even dogs have emotion. Imagine telling a dog, don’t bark when you’re scared, swallow it up and keep mum, or else you will be labeled.
Statements like- ‘be a man,’ ‘toughen up,’ ‘don’t cry like a girl,’ seem to have done such deep subconscious damage to men, that when in romantic relationships they very often seem to withdraw or shut down when intense emotions arise. Herein comes the infamous ‘Man-cave.’ He needs time alone to process these emotions. He doesn’t know how else to deal with them. Women, on the other hand, seem to end up waiting for the expression of real emotion from their man and the absence of that in the relationship and his withdrawal into his man-cave leads to a huge gap between the two individuals. She feels neglected and rejected. He feels misunderstood!
I believe men and women are here to make love, not war. It is not about one being better than the other. We are just different and bring different things to a relationship, which is what makes it so amazing. We are part of the same team. How can men and women develop true intimacy, if he feels he is going to be judged for his emotion as unmanly, not macho, sissy. How can he be his complete real self if his woman needs him to be macho to feed her own sense of safety in this world or to feed her own ego on landing herself a macho and able man? A Trophy-husband/boyfriend so to say? Something to boast about in her next coffee date with her girlfriends? Even more of an ego boost is if he has successfully managed to buy her expensive gifts and taken her for luxurious vacations? That’s more material for conversations with the girls. Somewhere, in all of this, the man ends up feeling used and feels it’s a large price to pay for her love and loyalty. The relationship suffers a silent death.
There’s more. A lot of men are scared to open up truly and be fully vulnerable.
Reason being, past experience or even observations have shown that women tend to use the information to emotionally manipulate their man, indirectly control him and get him to do things they want or need. They hence don’t feel safe doing so as they do not want their feelings being used as a weapon against them. If they were sure that their woman would honor and respect their feelings, now that completely changes the story!
If we want real fulfilling relationships we need to consciously shift the dynamic from power, control and taking, to love, respect, understanding, and GIVING.
You see the beauty of two people giving in a relationship is that nobody then has to ‘take’ from the other because there is a natural flow of giving and receiving.
The age old conditioning even of women that it’s the sole duty of the man to pamper or look after the woman, which is quite an unfair expectation and pressure on the man, needs to be reviewed. Why can’t we both pamper each other, be there for each together and be each other’s support?
In this modern world, where we women are asking for equality in every sphere, how about we give real equality to the men too.
Just as we women have now so amazingly conquered the sphere of money making and hence balanced our left brain and right brain, why not give our men a safe space to also balance their logical, power and action driven side with their feelings side. That’s real quid-pro-quo!
And before I get killed by my girlfriends, I promise, ‘What she wants him to know’ is coming soon!
Previously published on A Ray of Sunshine
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Photo: Getty Images
Hi Flyingkal My comment was so filled with typos that I write a new one . “throughout my life I’ve been told that the main reason that relationships and marriages fall apart is because the man isn’t willing to step up and make the effort, that he doesn’t support her enough”. Is this what your mother thought you or your father? It is not what I have been through. I seldom read articles in our larges national news articles about romantic relationship and marriage The thing is ,I don’t understand your last question. And tomorrow start my 40 days of… Read more »
Hi Iben, What I learned from my father and mother was mostly that in order to keep a healthy marriage, you both need to be in it together, help each other out, be there for each other and don’t forget to enjoy being together. But I must be doing something wrong, because any time I’ve been in or anywhere near a relationship, I feel like I’ve been used, or taken advantage of. My wants and needs have been ignored, and the relevance of my emotions has been downplayed as less important than hers. There’s an article here that was posted… Read more »
Flyingkal “But I must be doing something wrong, because any time I’ve been in or anywhere near a relationship, I feel like I’ve been used, or taken advantage of. ” The same happens to lots of women as well,so I don’t think this only mens experience. But it should not be like that . People that love you they don’t use you. I am not qualified to tell you have to never be used . My guess is that it has to do personal boundaries and feelings of self worth. Those who use others probably sense at once that here… Read more »
To clarify a bit from my last post:
I was expecting, and fully prepared that relationships required working together for the best of the relationship and our mutual interest, to help each other out when needed.
“I help you out today, and you’ll help me out tomorrow, OK?”
What I wasn’t prepared for, however, was that any agreement or promise was to be the subject of renegotiation or flat out denial that we’d ever agreed to this, whenever it was something that was in my interest.
Flyingkal As you remember I told you I would have asked myself “is he nuts ?” If a man behave towards me the way you tell your partner treated you. And he also did this “was that any agreement or promise was to be the subject of renegotiation or flat out denial that we’d ever agreed to this, whenever it was something that was in my interest.” Well then I would no longer ask my self that questions. I would be 100% certain that this individual was serious disturbed . Maybe you set up house with a sub psychopath……. You… Read more »
Iben,
I hope your “detox” will be successful and enjoyable.
I just wanted to comment on this, in case you, or anyone else happen to see it:
I wouldn’t go so far as to call her a psychopath, not sub nor any other kind. Rather far from it actually,
It mostly seemed to me that she was just looking after her own comfort and interests first and foremost.
Flyingkal In the article you liked to we can read “I was brought up by my mother who taught me to love everything about women whilst simultaneously hating everything about my own gender. She didn’t mean it to turn that way of course, but my dad was poison, and the only way she could think about protecting me from him was to downplay his very essence. The very part of him that made him, him. He was my asshole Dad that was untrustworthy, unreliable and unlovable. Since he was my only real role model – that made me feel I… Read more »
I really enjoyed this article and agree with what you’re saying. As I look back at past relationships, I cringe when I think of the times I have been guilty of manipulating. It’s taken getting older and working on my own process to dare to think about how damaging that was. I’ve also taken time to try to understand men better from truly listening to what they’re saying rather than what I imagine that they’re saying. Blogs like these on GMP have helped with this too 🙂 Hopefully now I am learning to be more courageous and honest in my… Read more »
That was an amazing read. Just saying.
Great article. Very informative 😀
Hi Aditi “There’s more. A lot of men are scared to open up truly and be fully vulnerable. Reason being, past experience or even observations have shown that women tend to use the information to emotionally manipulate their man, indirectly control him and get him to do things they want or need.” May I ask you to give me give us five good examples of this kind of manipulation. Because I do not understand . And one more question. Why is this behaviour from a woman not a deal breaker ? Why do they stay with women that exploit and… Read more »
Hi Iben, Examples are many -crying to weaken the other person -pretending to be a victim or helpless to get what you want or avoid responsibility altogether -flooding them with love and attention at one instance and withdrawing it at the slightest of disagreement -sulking and not communicating -making the other person feel guilty for no fault of theirs and blaming them for your problems. Unfortunately many people remain stuck in these kind of relationships. they are called co-dependent relationships. And its not a deal breaker because the man is operating from a place of his unhealed wounds and fear.… Read more »
Hi Aditi Here are your examples of how a woman manipulate a man to make him do something he does not want to do. And this can happen because he has shown her his vulnerabilities: 1: -crying to weaken the other person 2: -pretending to be a victim or helpless to get what you want or avoid responsibility altogether 3: -flooding them with love and attention at one instance and withdrawing it at the slightest of disagreement 4: -sulking and not communicating 5: -making the other person feel guilty for no fault of theirs and blaming them for your problems.… Read more »
HI iben, as far as the crying goes, its not so much about forcing yourself to do it as it is about knowing the response and effect it will have on the other person and letting it play out exactly like that. And as regards the connection between vulneralibilty and playing victim and some of the other points-sometimes when she knows he loves her or atleast ‘thinks’ he loves her, she plays helpless to get his attention and other such behaviours. Yes, these were the experiences and feelings of these men who were/are seeking help. They felt that the fact… Read more »
Aditi I wish you all the best in your work with men. But remember ,it will not help development of equality between men and women to decrine a man’s emotional withdrawal as “withdrawal” but when a woman behaves exactly the same way she is discribed as ” sulking ” and manipulative . This is discrimination of women . What I see , reading this article is a story about men that see women’s expression of strong feelings as manipulation. That is pretty paranoid if you ask my opinion. If a man can not stand to witness another human beings expression… Read more »
Ibe, If I may try to answer your last question. “Why is this behaviour from a woman not a deal breaker ? Why do they stay with women that exploit and emotionally abuse them this way?” I believe that a lot of men (not all, but quite a lot) are brought up with the notion that the happiness, safety, and/or emotional wellbeing of women are more important than their own. Many are “victims” to the notion of “Happy wife, happy life” and similar, where he may not even realize that he is being subjected to emotional abuse. Many believe that… Read more »
Wonderful insight! And yes I do agree that many of these men don’t even realise they are being abused. May I ask you if this was the deal breaker for you ? Was there additional emotional abuse? Do share your examples…Will help many people iam sure!
Hi Flyingkal When I read your comment I saw how differ we are . “And in my own experience of being in a relationship, whenever she was unhappy about something, rarely if ever it was seen as a team effort where we could meet halfway about what to do. Mostly, I was left on my own to figure out what to do, and in the meantime, expected to keep my own emotions in check, accordingly.” If my man was unhappy and prefered not to share with me why,then I would not try to do anything. And I would not try… Read more »
Iben, “If my man was unhappy and prefered not to share with me why,then I would not try to do anything. And I would not try to figure out what to do.” Would you think the same, even if it was made perfectly clear that your partner’s unhappiness was somehow related to your actions? That it was somehow related, althougt arbitrarily, to something you did or failed to do according to their expectations? I have an old friend who quite frequently used an approach similar to yours of “That is not my problem, You deal with it.” whenever his girlfriend… Read more »
Flyingkal “Would you think the same, even if it was made perfectly clear that your partner’s unhappiness was somehow related to your actions? That it was somehow related, althougt arbitrarily, to something you did or failed to do according to their expectations?” That is a completely different question. And I don’t have much experience with situations like apart from father . He was often sad,depressed and anxious . A war veteran from WWII. My mother and I knew he rather not talk about his inner demons and memories. This does not mean we though ” not my problem ” .… Read more »
Iben “That is a completely different question.” No. That is the exact problem I posed in my previous post. If you misinterpreted it or chose to alter the content of it is hardly my doing. “You prefer to see me as a person that see my family members feelings as “not my problem .”” I related my experiences of being in a relationship, that had absolutely nothing to do with you. Since you in return related a situation that was hardly, if at all, comparable, I posed the question a little more specific what you would have done if being… Read more »
Flyingkal Sorry,but I do not understand what you say here. And yes, I do not see feelings in other people including my husband as something I have to fix,heal or cure. Feelings is not a disease or an illness . Feelings is not equal to having a nervous breakdown . Feelings is what fils us every day of our life and I can not see why I have to fix what it perfectly natural . We feel, and that way we learn something important. If other adults rush to fix another adult each time they feel sad or unhappy, then… Read more »
Iben, “Sorry,but I do not understand what you say here. And yes, I do not see feelings in other people including my husband as something I have to fix,heal or cure. /…/ If other adults rush to fix another adult each time they feel sad or unhappy, then how can that person gain any insight learn himself and reflect ? ” Actually, I agree with you here. But you and I are talking about fundamentally different scenarios. I am talking about a situation where my partner felt sad or unhappy, but it wasn’t that I immediately rushed in and tried… Read more »
Flyingkal “I am talking about a situation where my partner felt sad or unhappy, but it wasn’t that I immediately rushed in and tried to fix it. The situation was that she made me responsible for her feelings, that it was something I had said or done that made her upset, and now she more or less required med to step in and fix it! But still without specifying what I had done to upset her, or what I was supposed to do to make it better. Actually, following your line of reason, not immediately trying to step in, just made the… Read more »
Maybe that is how you were raised FlyingKal, but In my own experiences, in America, I don’t believe men are raised to put women first so complelety as you seem to suggest. You seem to be saying that men are doing nothing but catering to women’s every emotional whim and well being. I simply don’t see that happening. I see a lot of men who are dismissive to their partners feelings, or roll their eyes, or go silent and walk away. I think that is actually how women are conditioned and raised. We are suppose to sacrifice everything, for our… Read more »
Hi Erin, “You seem to be saying that men are doing nothing but catering to women’s every emotional whim and well being. “ Actually, what I wrote was, and I quote myself here: I believe that a lot of men (not all, but quite a lot) are brought up with the notion that the happiness, safety, and/or emotional wellbeing of women are more important than their own. As you say, men aren’t conditioned to understand or manage their own feelings, so of course they aren’t equipped to manage the feelings of other people either. Totally agree with you here. But… Read more »
I believe I understood your quote. You do fact seem to be saying that the majority of men are doing nothing but attending to their partners needs and are worried about their own happiness over their own. This is not something I personally see in “quite a lot” of men. I think what a lot of men do , do, I’d appease their partners, not because they care about her happiness or well being, but because they don’t want to have a real discussion about the relationship. How do women “impose” their feelings upon their male partners in a way… Read more »
Erin
“how do women impose their feelings on their male partner in a way to manage his feelings for her own personal benefits..”
this is a good question !
Erin, It’s still the “men are doing nothing but” part, I tried repeatedly to be at least a little bit more nuanced than that. But a few pointers to try and answer your question: “How do women “impose” their feelings upon their male partners”? (Perhaps “impose” is the wrong word i English?) A. By telling him “I feel miserable because you never do X, Y or Z.”, and regularly coming up with new versions of what constitutes X, Y or Z. Even though he never had the slightest idea X, Y and Z made her feel bad or that it… Read more »
I never thought it was a “personal failure” on your part. I do think both our opinions are colored by experience. I am sure there are men who agree with you. But sometimes the genders see and understand different things. Thanks for answering my questions….still, I have a few more. How is telling your partner something makes you feel bad, imposing your feelings on him? Are we not suppose to share more complex and less pleasant emotions because it may cause him to feel bad? How do you communicate your own pain about a behavior or lack of behavior in… Read more »
Erin, and Iben. ” How do you communicate your own pain about a behavior or lack of behavior in a way that you feel heard and he doesn’t feel threatened?” I don’t know, and I wouldn’t want to speak for anyone but myself. But for a starter I think it would be related to the ratio between positive and negative feedback. Ever heard of the “5/1 rule”? I agree that partners should be there for each other and try to sort out the painful stuff. But if you mostly receive the painful stuff in different versions several times a day,… Read more »
Flyingkal “. By telling him “I feel miserable because you never do X, Y or Z.”, and regularly coming up with new versions of what constitutes X, Y or Z. Even though he never had the slightest idea X, Y and Z made her feel bad or that it was his responsibility.” When your wife or partner shares her deepest emotions and needs with your, I very much doubt that she also said “it is your responsibility to KNOW”. And like Erin I wonder how can women be emotionally intimate and close to her man, by sharing our thought about… Read more »
Flyingkal “But I also see women, knowing the way men are conditioned, trying to impose her feelings upon him, as a way to manage his feelings in a direction that is more beneficial to her than it is to himself.” It looks to me like you let this woman,your ex , dominate you . By focusing on her ,trying to understand her you choose not to look at your self . My own personal experiences is that until you understand yourself,and know why you act the way you do with women, then things will continue as before . This curious… Read more »
What were you afraid of when you got married, Iden?
Flyingkal “What were you afraid of when you got married, Iden?” Actually I like the name Iden 🙂 It is like Eden ( the garden of Eden…..) But back to your question . I can not remember being afraid of anything before I got married. My choice of husband was one with none similarities to my father . Jed Diamond has this great article called “What men want more than sex”. A safe heaven. My husband and life with him was my safe heaven . Only it wasn’t. So one or two years into my marriage I spiralled down emotionally.… Read more »
Iben, I was afraid of being abandoned. I readily confess that. I have never been a man who could easily attract women. I did my very best to understand what she wanted from me. I entered the relationship dedicated to work hard, because throughout my life I’ve been told that the main reason that relationships and marriages fall apart is because the man isn’t willing to step up and make the effort, that he doesn’t support her enough. And I was determined not to be that man! However, as I said I could never figure it out. Because the goalposts… Read more »
Hi Flyingkal
“throughout my life I’ve been told that the main reason that relationships and marriages fall apart is because the man isn’t willing to step up and make the effort, that he doesn’t support her enough”.
And today, do you still see it this way ?
There are at least two sides to every story.
But most of us still crave companionships, some kind of belonging.
When was the last time you read an article in a newspaper on female behaviour that make men “shut down” or push men away?
Flyingkal If you the larges newspapers in my country,then you know they ( unfortunately) have at leat one article about sex every day. Men want more sex ,men feel rejected… THIS BEHAVIOUR often push men away , according to some for those articles. I seldom read them. But do you still believe that it is only a mans responsibility to create and keep a relationship together like you wrote above. And if this is how you were brought up,then I wonder if it is your father or mother that thought you that men are the main reason why relationship fall… Read more »
Iben
“But do you still believe that it is only a mans responsibility to create and keep a relationship together like you wrote above.”
You keep repeating that as if I actually wrote it…
Flyingkal “But do you still believe that it is only a mans responsibility to create and keep a relationship together like you wrote above.” You keep repeating that as if I actually wrote it… Believe it or not Flyingkal but this is how I understand it when you say this ““throughout my life I’ve been told that the main reason that relationships and marriages fall apart is because the man isn’t willing to step up and make the effort, that he doesn’t support her enough”. I leave this conversation now . The fact that I understand something you say different… Read more »
Flyingkal
I have a typo or problem with my English..
I wanted a safe harbour, not a safe heaven .
“Iben”, not Iden. I apologize for that.
Yes, Kal. Been there done that, been in both worlds, For a long time I sat and wondered how i survived the previous, now that I’ve found the latter. You could not be more accurate.
Thank you, DJ
I really appreciate yoour feedback.
Thoughtprovoking. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that everything you write is “right”. But it lines up pretty accurately with my own, limited, experiences of being in a relationship. Not that men are always rejected for any display of emotions. But that her emotional well-being was (is) always took precedence as more important than mine. I.e. we could never meet half-ways. She could sometimes support me if needed, if she was in an emotionally “safe place” herself. But when she needed support, I was expected to give without getting anything in return, without any consideration to my own… Read more »
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this. I love to hear about different experiences as it helps me understand the issue from an even deeper place and perspective. 🙂
Look out for the one who is wiiling to give your emotional status equal importance too 🙂 🙂