It’s currently 8:48 am and today is supposed to be my wedding day.
. . .
My ex-husband-to-be, decided that we were no longer compatible and he wanted a different life back in March. It’s now August 10th, and Instead of waking up to breakfast in bed and a photographer — I woke up and went on a 2 mile run after crying in bed for 45 minutes. I didn’t think about the fact that it was my wedding day until my mom called and asked how I was doing today.
And then I wasn’t OK and all of a sudden I couldn’t stop thinking of the fact that it was indeed my wedding day.
. . .
Around 9:30 I took a long shower, and cried my Aztec Clay face mask off. In my poor attempt at self-care to make myself feel better, I felt all the feelings and then pretended like I was fine for about 10 minutes and then, I wasn’t.
. . .
10:46 am. I’ve wasted away about 3 hours of my day, which, oh well. But I did receive a flower delivery from my best friend who was supposed to be my Maid of Honor. With a single sentence note that means everything to me, like only she knows how to do. I stuck the flowers in water and realized I hadn’t had anything other than coffee today.
It’s going to be a hard day. It’s going to be a long day. I don’t know at this point if I’m going to make it through the day without quitting and crawling in bed all together.
A lot of people will tell me that’s okay or feelings are normal. But I don’t want to feel. I’m supposed to be the happiest I’ve ever been right now and that just isn’t reality.
. . .
At 1:30 pm, I have engulfed myself in work and have the worst leg cramp from the way I sit in my desk chair — and then I remember how he would remind me every 10 minutes or so to stretch my legs so this doesn’t happen.
I log into Instagram to see that although I have gone on a social media silence, he has not and is on his regularly scheduled posting routine as if today isn’t hard for him too.
We told each other we wouldn’t block each other, not sure why, I probably should have as a **** you, you don’t deserve to see me. But it’s so hard to completely remove someone from your life who was there for a decade.
How do I be mindless in a very emotional state of mind? I can’t. I got a few phone calls today that I’ve ignored. I’m pretty sure my mom and best friend are the only ones who realize what today is.
. . .
It’s now 2 pm and I have the feeling of dread. I feel like falling to the floor, will I ever love again? Will I ever be loved again? His last words haunt me.
Why on God’s green earth would someone say something like that to someone else. HOW can someone say something like that to someone else.
We’ve talked about it since and yes, they were mean but at that moment, they were his truth and he told me his truth.
His truth was painful. His truth was no longer me.
This plays over and over again in my head. All day and all night every day and every night.
. . .
What do you do when you can’t feel anything and you are numb to the world? Do you pray? Do you cry? Do you run until you’re in pain? In the last hour I did the first two options because I did the latter this morning.
At 3 pm I called another one of my would-be Bridesmaids and we cried together over the phone. I stupidly tried on my wedding jewelry that was a gift from my dad and cried in the corner of my room until she called me back to pray it out.
. . .
By 7:20 pm I had cried for most of the day. My head hurt, my eyes were puffy and my face was bright red from wiping my cheeks all day.
I realized I wasn’t necessarily upset at not getting married today, but what the day represents.
I was so blindly in-love that I almost married someone who I thought was my perfect match. Does anyone really have a perfect match?
I might be mourning the fact that today marks the official day of this whole thing is over. My decade long relationship has finally come to a close. Should I be mourning the official demise of a relationship or should I be mourning the fact that this chapter of my life is closed.
My tears are fear, the fear of starting over, the fear of never finding love the fear of never having the laughter that I once had again.
We’ve been apart for 6 months nearly and I know time heals all — but time doesn’t help you forget. Today all I could think of was the good in our relationship.
The beautiful off-white dress hanging in the back of my closet.
The vows I had memorized to profess my love.
The matching wedding band I was going to give him sitting in my jewelry box.
The gifts from my bridal shower sitting in their boxes.
The crystal tiara that was going to sink into my natural curls.
Will I ever have these things? Today I question that. Only because it seems so far away. It doesn’t seem possible at this time.
When do these thoughts go away? When does the fear go away?
—
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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