Whether they’re boys or girls, we don’t need to protect our kids as they become sexually active; we need to prepare them.
I have 3 daughters, and no sons. One of my daughters is approaching the age at which sex is probably on her mind, and likely to happen some time in the near future. So I did what I always do when I’m trying to figure out how I feel about something, I wrote about coming to terms with the fact that my kid will grow up and become sexual.
I got a lot of email about that post, comments on Facebook. People using words like “protecting” and “saving” their daughters from sex. Talking about how strong the parental need is to protect their daughters from….. From what?
From boys? From boys.
I remember when my daughter was a baby, and people would make jokes that maybe we’d luck out and she’d be a lesbian. It’s not that I’m humorless, but I never laughed. I just don’t get it. I mean, lesbians have sex too. And boys aren’t dangerous creatures hell-bent on destroying my daughter with their boyness. (If she’s anything like her mother, she’s gonna find great joy from playing with boys, in all ways.)
Having a penis doesn’t make boys dangerous, and it doesn’t make sex dangerous. Really, of all the ways that we get hurt from sex, most of them have nothing to do with a penis. (Except that one time. PSA: Reverse Cowgirl can be dangerous.) Most of the ways we get hurt having sex are emotional. They involve fear, shame, guilt, and the really bad stuff: heartbreak. A penis can neither cause, nor protect against those things.
All the comments I got on my original article were from the parents of daughters. And I couldn’t help but wonder if people felt the same need to protect their sons from the periodic pain of teen sex. And if not, why?
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Thinking about it in the abstract, it makes no sense that boys seem to be taught that “getting” sex is how you win some grand societal contest. But girls? Sex is how you become broken. I’ve written before about The Danger of Demonizing Male Sexuality, and I still think it’s a huge problem.
But what I started thinking about recently is how different the messages are that we give boys and girls about sex. And how it harms them.
But more than that, how silly it is, because there is no advice that I would give my daughters about sex that I wouldn’t also give sons, if I had them. (And I really wish I did. I just can’t convince anyone that more babies is a good idea.)
Here’s what I tell my oldest:
1. Sexual pleasure, whether you are alone or with partners, is a natural, desirable, healthy, and normal thing.
2. Because pleasure is the point, you have the right to expect pleasure, as opposed to fear or shame or anything else that is sometimes present in the social aspects of shared sexuality. But, when sex is a social act, you are responsible for making sure that your partner is experiencing pleasure, and NOT fear or shame or coercion.
3. Communication is the only way to make sure that everyone involved is experiencing pleasure. It’s also the hallmark of consent. You are responsible for expressing your needs, desires and expectations. You are also responsible for listening to the needs, desires and expectations of anyone you are having sex with.
4. The emotional aspects of sex are more complicated than the physical aspects. The antiquated notion of virginity as simply being linked to “Penis In Vagina” penetration is foolish for several reasons – not to mention that it leaves out the homosexual amongst us. Too many kids today think that anal sex or oral sex are NOT sex, and therefore think it’s no big deal. Yet, when they engage in them, they feel all the big feelings, all the fear, all the shame, all the everything that goes with having ANY kind of sex. We have to let go of this narrow definition of sex so that we can talk to kids about the emotional complexities of sexuality.
5. Being vulnerable and naked with someone can be outrageously fun, which is why people have been doing it since the beginning of time. But it’s also scary, and sometimes it means our hearts get hurt. It’s all part of the process. We get hurt, and that’s how we learn what we don’t want to do again, or do to other people. And we get stronger. All of the bruised hearts and scratched egos and broken dreams are how we practice love. It’s how we practice relationships. It’s how we get good at them, and can eventually have those great relationships that last a lifetime.
6. Boys and girls are no different. Really. People are all different, but not because of their genitals. If you are feeling nervous and insecure and excited and confused, chances are really good that whoever you’re messing around with is feeling all of those same things too. Just talk about it. That’s makes it easier, and more fun. And more likely to go well.
7. If you are not comfortable enough with someone to share your feelings with someone, then you shouldn’t be sharing your body with them. If you’re not comfortable enough with someone to put a condom on them yourself or in front of them with them watching, then you shouldn’t be having sex with them.
8. Sometimes are better than others. That’s okay. Think of it like sports: you have to practice, some days it works well and some days it doesn’t, winning isn’t the point, having fun is the point.
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I don’t know why it is that we assume boys aren’t emotionally impacted by the realities of teen sex. It’s just as scary and feels just as important. Assuming that it doesn’t would mean that their penises are nothing more than tools that they use to get something done. Like a hammer. And that cheapens the reality of not only their bodies, but their sexuality. Unless they are Thor, who might have a much deeper relationship with his hammer than your average guy does with your average hammer.
Don’t raise boys to think they have to be conquering heroes with big hammers that get the job done but feel nothing. Please.
No. Boys are every bit as sensitive as girls. Because we are all human. We all feel love and fear and joy and excitement and pleasure and pain…. We all feel all of it.
We don’t need to protect our kids from it as they become sexually active; we need to prepare them for it. We prepare them for it by being honest about it, and talking about it. By making sure they know that sex isn’t a game we play, it’s not a contest to win, it’s not a way to prove yourself to anyone. It is about pleasure.
Pleasure that can be shared with someone in a wonderful way, if you all feel safe, physically and emotionally.
Regardless of your gender.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Excellent post. As an adolescent counselor, I often hear the confusion, fear and shame kids have developed around sex at very early ages. Girls are told to stay away from boys because they “only have one thing on their minds,” and “boys are bad.” Boys are told that “girls will tease and just screw you over.” This messaging is ridiculous. It’s time to begin having conversations that provide – and honor – perspective, wisdom, choice of what is natural to feel. This post is an excellent starting point. It’s the conversation every parent needs to have with their child; it’s… Read more »
Alyssa Royse What a breath and a kiss and a hug of fresh air, grace and wisdom YOU are. Hallelujah! I have long studied and sought information about the “Man – Woman Game” and I mean that with respect… It is the Number ONE most misunderstood, misrepresented and most misaligned subject of being human… AND… as a writer I want to improve your writing – which means others comprehension, understanding and acceptance of what you write because what you are conveying is VERY IMPORTANT. AS with most writers you misuse the word “BUT” and “NOT” These are subtle words that… Read more »
Hmmm, how did I miss this?
Cheers, Alyssa
“Having a penis doesn’t make boys dangerous, and it doesn’t make sex dangerous. Really, of all the ways that we get hurt from sex, most of them have nothing to do with a penis. (Except that one time. PSA: Reverse Cowgirl can be dangerous.) Most of the ways we get hurt having sex are emotional. They involve fear, shame, guilt, and the really bad stuff: heartbreak. A penis can neither cause, nor protect against those things.” Oh my god. Yes, yes, yes. Can we put that up on the site on some sort of permanent basis? It’s refreshing to hear… Read more »
Thank you very much for this, Alyssa! Your articles are consistently and dependably among the very best this website has to offer.
Thanks! I really do appreciate that. I promise to keep it up. 😉
Thank you.
Thank you. As the father of three daughters myself I welcome your thoughts. In the early 1980’s my mom left my dad for another woman. As a result I spent my adolescent years raised by two militant feminists hell bent on making sure I never repeated the sins of other men who came before me. I’m very familiar with the attitude expressed by Lynn above and recognize that it’s one born of fear, pain and mistreatment and that is sad, for everyone involved. I grew up a highly repressed teenager as I’d come to believe that I was some sort… Read more »
Thank you, Dave. That made my day. And broke my heart. We have to stop telling boys that men are monsters!
Most men are truly wonderful.. The others were badly misinterpreted as Dave was and became less than their promise. Words from a poem I wrote in my recovery of thinking men were monsters because my husband mistreated me… having been raised by a mother who was molested as a child…
“I believed in Cinderella. I grew up believing.
You grew up trying not to.
We have both lived long enough to know
That as much as I have been deformed by fantasy,
You have been mutilated by reality”
You seem like someone who’d make a great mother for boys,…too.
-Another Seattlite
I want to be your friend! Great article 🙂
#4 is so wrong on so many levels.. OF course, as a man, you don’t have physical reprecussions. But you are doing a disservice to your daughter by telling her that she will have more emotional reprecussions than physical ones. Any man who says this to a woman is clearly thinking about themselves and not the woman. Broken hearts heal. A man’s broken heart may be the MOST of his worries, but that’s the LEAST of a woman worries. Remember that not only can women get STDs and have painful sex like men can, women ALSO are more likely to… Read more »
Wow. Sounds like you’re pretty pissed off about the subject; that’s a shame. I think that’s part of the attitude that leads to the whole fear of sex/fear of boys garbage. I’m not saying you have no point in what you say; there are ugly possibilities to be faced, bad politics to be contended with. But no, a boy may not get pregnant, but he does face the challenge of becoming responsible for a life. And unlike the girl, he is not free to decide whether or not to keep the baby, and until he’s old enough (and even then)… Read more »
Spot-on, Paul!
Broken hearts heal. A man’s broken heart may be the MOST of his worries, but that’s the LEAST of a woman worries. This is beyond flippant. Broken hearts do not always heal, people have killed themselves over broken hearts. women ALSO are more likely to contract UTI, That may be so, but you left out some very relevant information: Although only about 20% of UTIs occur in men, these infections can cause more serious problems than they do in women. Men with UTIs are far more likely to be hospitalized than women. experience torn membranes, bruising It’s not as if… Read more »
Or daughters. This kind of fear-mongering is bad for everyone.
Wow. First of all, I am a woman, not a man. Though that is unlikely to influence your rather apocalyptic – and apoplectic – view on sex, as presented here. I am also a trained sex-educator, well-versed in both the biology and psychology of sex, and do not share your view at all. Neither does science. Except in the case or pregnancy being something that physically happens to women and not men. Even that is not so apocalyptic in my book. Nowhere did I suggest that one shouldn’t be practicing safer sex by using condoms. Perhaps I should have gone… Read more »
I’ll be the one who points out that the word “sex” does not automatically mean penis-in-vagina or vagina-around-penis. A woman can have sex with a man without a penis being involved at all. If pregnancy is the end of world (as in Lynn’s message), well…there are lots of sexual activities that have zero chance of resulting in pregnancy. A very quick internet search can reveal a staggering variety, in fact!
Teach kids all the facts in the world but unless they are emotionally intelligent they will not retain any of it and be run by emotion. ….. boy or girl.
Excellent post and, in fact, just what I’ve told both my daughter and my son. These are the conversations that absolutely need to be happening but are not. They aren’t because the parents of pre- and teen-aged boys and girls are themselves, too often, not comfortable with their own sexuality. They themselves don’t have these communication skills in their own relationships and have no idea how to teach them to their children. Too many parents fall back on comments/attitudes (“maybe she’ll be a lesbian (or nun)…”) that amount to sticking their heads in the sand when it comes to acknowledging… Read more »