I used to spew my feelings all over my partners, making them feel, well, really bad.
I thought it was my right — and that how those feelings came out of me was inconsequential. They were feelings, after all, and feelings had to be felt, to be shared, right?
If a man loves you, isn’t he supposed to be there for you when you need to toss that emotional bucket?
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So what if my “feelings” were a little ugly and stung a bit? If a man loves you, isn’t he supposed to be there for you when you need to toss that emotional bucket? Isn’t he supposed to care enough to endure what you feel? To help mop up the mess?
And why does he want to pull away, drop into silence and become unresponsive when the sharing gets good? Is it that he can’t handle a true woman’s feelings?
Well, not exactly.
It turns out that tossing a man a bucket of negative emotion doesn’t make him feel empathy for you. What it makes him feel is fear.
He feels fear because you’re making your emotions his responsibility. That’s a big job, even a second career. What man has time for that?
It turns out that this kind of emotional dumping, without filtering, is not productive or responsible. It fact, I can tell you from experience, it’s quite damaging both for the man and the woman.
A man wants to be with a woman who takes responsibility for her feelings, who can be trusted to share feelings in a mature and sensitive way. This means that a woman actually has to own what she feels.
Then she needs to be with those feelings and make sense of them, before she decides to share them with her man. When she does talk about feelings, she wants to do so as the rightful owner, as someone who is well-acquainted with those feelings, who can offer them as a gift, as a part of herself.
But most dumping just circles around feelings, circles around productivity and makes a woman feel worse.
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There is an ok time for “dumping” unprocessed emotion — if you ask a man for permission and you do it with the intent to be emptied, and, you can actually do it productively. To do it productively means that you do it with purpose – to let go of a story or whatever emotion is holding you hostage. It’s key to get to a point of release.
But most dumping just circles around feelings, circles around productivity and makes a woman feel worse. It can also make her man feel hopeless and worn out.
The woman that a man appreciates can share feelings from a deep place, can even move him with her depth and insight — because of her connection to herself. That can only happen when she takes responsibility, when she goes deep within to make meaning of what she feels. And when she knows unequivocally that her feelings are hers to feel and to process.
Lastly, feelings and judgments are very different things. We as woman have to watch using “I feel” as a opening for unleashing all the negative judgments we have about our partners and the world, and learn to bring “I feel” with love, wisdom and feminine sensitivity.
This is what makes a woman emotionally attractive to a man and inspires his admiration, support and love.
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When I was married (thank everything glorious in the universe I am now single) I rarely went into emotional crisis mode until I was pushed beyond my limit. And even then I didn’t rage. I just gave up in tears, knowing that my feelings mattered not and that emotions over anything, especially each other were to be ignored and forgotten forever. So many nights I used to sleep by myself on the couch, holding back bitter tears of rage. Deep feelings and emotions were illogical and needed to be avoided at all costs. The stiff upper lip New England approach… Read more »
Thank you, Karen; well said. I’ve often encountered with women a kind of irresponsibility when it comes to their emotions. Like, just because they’re women, they have a license to unleash and expect complete acceptance. I’m not talking about an honest appeal for sympathy; when any person feels the need for someone to hear and validate them, that’s fine. But often the appeal is not straightforward, often being backhanded or directly accusational. And, it’s often accompanied by a “right to have my feelings without being judged” (even if I’m judging you). I think men, while being more guilty of avoiding… Read more »
It’s all true and good telling women what they should do however wouldn’t it be more productive, insightful and helpful to explain the “how” to manage their emotions.
I think it’s just a matter of cognitive awareness, that if you have a tendency to be emotional, count to ten and make sure you’re being as honest and fair as possible, and that you’re clear what you want: someone to sympathize, hug, help, advise…
Finally, a great article in this area! Thank you.
If a man can’t handle your emotions… then he’s not worth keeping. Toss him back and find another.. .they’re easy to replace.
Right? As if men haven’t been women’s emotional dumpsters since the dawn of time. How about an article be written for that because it’s FAR more common for women to bear the emotional labor of men.
I am still unclear on how to apply this 🙁
Exactly my point. It’s not enough to tell women what they should do without giving instructions on how to do it.
Karen, another wonderful piece. This is great advice. And The Love-Mute Fool’s comment is also truly practical (you problem-solver you!).
I shudder to think of the times I’ve dumped ‘unowned’ emotional oceans on men. No wonder they ran the other way.
From what I’ve learned in recent years, women’s currency is ‘feelings’ while men’s currency is ‘solving problems’. You’ve both confirmed it here, while offering solutions by which men and women can empower and respect each other. And wouldn’t we all love to live in that perfect world?
Unfiltered dumping is relationship poison. We men use far fewer words per day, and when we do (and if the communication is important), it is usually done with meaning and precision. We assume a woman’s communication with us is likewise meant. So, using an extreme example from youth, if a woman tells us she feels awful, suicidal, hopeless and dejected, we will have two thoughts: (1) call her parents/friends or a hotline, and (2) that she is telling me that I made her feel that way for some reason, and needs an apology/reformation, etc. We practically never “empty a negative… Read more »
Outstanding.
Pure and simple, outstanding.
In my opinion, they should not only make this the “Comment of the day” or even “Comment of the Year!”.
They should pin it to the first page, and make it mandatory reading for any and all participant to this page!
You, Sir, hit it out of the ballpark.
And I salute you.
Hi The Love Mute Fool It is an interesting comment you have here and I think I understand it. But what I do not understand is why you , or she needs to have it written down. I am a diary writer and know how that helps me to think and help me to know what I am feeling. I am also a PenPal and has been so for years . PenPal’s do this to each other , but we usually live in different parts of the world . You suggest this for persons that live together or are in… Read more »
Oh boy, excellent insight that I wish I’d read a few weeks ago. Any suggestions on how to fix a dumping gone bad? Long story short, a 1.5 year great relationship, great guy, he hit a very rough spot personally a few weeks ago, he went MIA from the relationship in order to deal, gave what I felt were sparse (but still, not none) explanations to me about just how far from the relationship he was pulling away. I felt shut out, got major relationship insecurity because it felt like he was leaving me, I took it personally that he… Read more »
Hey The Love-Mute Fool, Some good points here which should be preached a lot more… but also found this part of your commentary kinda disturbing – “proceeding to do something you don’t want (perhaps involving embarrassment or violence)”. Yes, women need to learn how to emotionally dump in a more productive way that helps their man help them and just ask for what they need specifically. But even a hysterically crying/screaming woman is no excuse for a man turning violent- if that’s what you were insinuating. A man’s violence and reactions are always his own choices. On the flipside as… Read more »
Really good distinction. It has taken me awhile to learn this lesson, especially when I blame my man for the emotions I am having. There is no justification for emotion dumping. No one can handle my unprocessed emotions except myself. What I am learning is to share “I feel…” Without the story. Also ditching the story of the emotion allows me to share vulnerably. This creates love and affinity. To my daughters, I am deeply sorry that I showed you that emotional dumping was ok.