A dating blogger implores his fellow men to not forget to bring passion, heat, and sexual charm to the table during a courtship.
This is new territory for me, I must admit. By new territory, I mean sexual.
Isn’t it strange?
This is a dating blog that tip-toes around the 900 pound gorilla in the room, the dirty thought. Why is “sexual” dirty?
I’ve been raised religiously and conservatively, in addition to east-west culture clashes. No one around me really talks about sex or anything sexual, at least not when we’re sober.
But now I will address it.
Actually, we have to address it. By we, I mean awkward guys who don’t know how to date. I think many of us dudes are not comfortable admitting that we are sexual. Yeah, we may admit we want sex but that’s not exactly it, either. A chimpanzee wants sex, but an adult human being wants sexual. These two things are different, subtly but profoundly.
Imagine a normal guy in a dating situation. He meets a cute girl at a party, they strike up a conversation, and he gets her phone number. A couple of days later, he texts her and she texts him back. He calls her that night, they chat, he jokes, she laughs, and he asks her out on a date. That weekend they meet and have a good time. The next week they meet again and they have a better time. They meet yet again and have an amazing mind-blowing third date.
And… it’s over. Suddenly she doesn’t reply to his texts, she doesn’t pick up his phone calls, and she’s nowhere to be found. What gives? Didn’t he do everything a good man should in pursuit of a woman? He even called her, to ask her out. And, according to a very insightful dating blog out there, just calling her should be more than enough.
But it isn’t.
This normal guy satisfied her in many ways. He took the initiative, he made her laugh, he treated her to dinner and other nice things, he checked up on her, and so on. But one key thing he didn’t do is sexual.
No, it’s not that he didn’t have intercourse with her. It’s not just sex but the sexual, the imagination, the anticipation, the tension and the suspense. Sexual is desire, in its most raw, psychological and biological form.
Two adults can have sex, but they may not have sexual, because there may be no desire. It can be a one-off, with unbearable apathy toward each other afterward. Sexual is very different, however.
A warm, unassuming nice-to-meet-you hug. A quick, timely wink. A cocky, suggestive remark like, “Well, you just might charm me into asking you out for a second date.” A hearty laugh together. Offering your arm as you walk her to her car or train stop. Inviting her over to a simple but sweet home-cooked meal, complete with dessert and wine. Pulling her closely and tightly to yourself all of a sudden and enjoying the intimate silence. A first kiss.
We men forget two game-changing things: 1) women are just as sexual as we are and 2) we men are supposed to be sexual, too.
Again, sexual is not sex.
Sex is an act, like a transaction. Sex alone can be cold, impersonal, and objectifying. However, sexual is a progression, like a jazz tune. It goes up and down, it’s simple and then it’s complex, it pushes and pulls. Sexual is a double helix between the mind and the body, because they’re so inter-connected.
In my experiences, when a woman doesn’t feel sexual after three dates with a man, both her body and mind shut off. I mean, c’mon, she gave him three solid chances to turn her on. What more does she– what more can she give?
You can be nice. You can be friendly. You can open doors, pull chairs, get the checks, cook dinners, and call her as often as modernly possible. But understand that as a dating single man you can be completely romantic AND completely asexual. This combination is why you fail.
Once you start addressing sexual, then you can start undressing.
Originally appeared at justcallher.com
Photo NEW/photography Flickr
Yes,yes. A million times yes. Although we women just tend to think of that as “magnetic charm” or something of the sort. Reading this made me smile as I thought back to guys I dated and what helped them “click” for me. Unfortunately, you forgot to mention that there are other things besides “the sexual” that keep a woman wanting to come back. 🙂
You’re confusing the word “Sensual” with the word “sexual”.
+ 5 million. Exatly Vipul.
“This normal guy satisfied her in many ways. He took the initiative, he made her laugh, he treated her to dinner and other nice things, he checked up on her, and so on – “. IMO, all you’re doing is perpetuating this antiquated idea that us men need to make it all happen. Made her laugh? How can we MAKE anyone laugh? No, we’re funny, we’re kind, we treat her to dinner, etc., etc., ohhh, but wait a second, we have to romance her, seduce her, make her wet, etc., etc. Her orgasm is her responsibility –we’re along for the… Read more »
Well, women feel pressure to “make it happen” too but generally it involves efforts to look as sexy and feminine as possible — which is a huge amount of work — why isn’t it his responsibllity to get himself turned on? Why do we have to put so much effort into looking great on a date? We should be able to show up in sweats with no makeup – if he doesn’t find that attractive it’s his own issue, right? LOL
The same reason why I iron my shirt and clean up before I go out on a date. The only time I ever iron my shirts is when I’ve got a date. I happen to think that women can be quite sexy wearing sweats, but there’s no way on earth that I’d accept that as appropriate atire on a first date. Dressing up shows that you’re taking things seriously and that you respect your date enough to make an effort. It doesn’t necessarily mean shaving things that aren’t visible or putting on a ton of makeup, but it does entail… Read more »
I Looooove eyeliner on a guy.. so sexy.
Hi “just call her” You are right , sexuality is not dirty in itself . Still this article show you know little about how women feel how they make choices. We have a brain and evaluate a man on several dimensions! And no man turn us on, it is a woman herself that chooses to turn herself on or not. And to think that there is ONE and only one reason why a woman choose not to get involved with a man is immature . Let me give some examples: His relationship and feelings for animals…. and children is not… Read more »
I’m not really sure what he’s saying here. We’ve got three chances to turn her on but it isn’t about sex?? Now I’m truly puzzled. Nothing specific, nothing that tells us what the mysterious “sexual” is when it’s not about sex. Perhaps he’s already made the assumption that we’re all trying so hard to be a nice guy that we’re all holding our sex game in the background?? Not anywhere I’ve seen! Maybe it’s a conservative thing. Hmmm. Not truly sure even he knows what he’s talking about. It’s all pretty vague.
That’s probably because he is referring to what a woman wants, and that changes by the second. So, it’s kind of hard to put a finger on it. He does give specific examples of things you can do though. Women tend to look for a ‘connection’ or a ‘spark’. Men look for this too, but they don’t make it a complete dealbreaker if there isn’t an immediate spark. I would guess the most successful relationships started out in a non-courting manner. Through friends, work, school, etc. This gives women the spark/connection they focus so much attention on, but it is… Read more »
I had a woman do that to me after the first date a few weeks ago. I’m not mad about it, but it does seem a bit shortsighted. She handled everything with a lot of class and dignity, but I can’t help but thinking that she’s going to get to a point really soon where she’s desperate to have kids and has already eliminated most of the potential good fathers with that rule.
“….just make sure it’s somewhere where you are comfortable, and she can use her magic ‘women’s intuition’ (bullshit) to decide if there is a ‘spark’.”
intuition isn’t bullshit and undermining women to the point of upholding the idea that women aren’t smart enough to know their own minds is insulting to women as much as it is to men.
Aww,, men treating women like machines and getting frustrated when they don’t respond how men expect them to. and blaming women for not being the slaves to men they once were.. it must be really frustrating to know that you can “do all the right things” and GASP someone still doesn’t like you! the horror! The big difference between men and women. Women see men as humans who have preferences so when they “do all the right things” and the guy doesn’t like them, they chalk it up to differences and move on. Men see women as algorythms, computers, machines.… Read more »
You are right men do fall into thinking of women in a more mechanical way, forgetting they are dealing with a whole person. I think some of this stems from almost always being the initiator/pursuer. When you are in the drivers seat most of the time by default (not because you want to but because it’s more often than not expected of you) you end up putting a lot of weight on the thought “what should I do?” That kind of awareness and consciouseness while simultaneously taking the lead is a delicate and sometimes daunting balancing act. Women are human… Read more »
This is why we’ve got a divorce rate hovering around 66% (stats per Dr John Gottmann, American’s leading marriage and divorce researcher). When you meet someone on a date – or even on several dates – you have no idea who or what she is. You are buying a pig in a poke. You’re getting a presentation of self that has NOTHING to do with the real self behind the presentation. Even the best clinicians can’t figure out a person’s real mental and emotional state in three visits, typically. It takes time for the real personality to reveal itself. So… Read more »
Beautifully expressed, Randy. Thank you