As a coach, Sile Walsh has seen a lot of self-hate and life-limiting choices because of male body image. And it makes her sad.
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In my years of coaching men, I have had many opportunities to hear what men feel and think about their bodies. I have been privileged to have been given this awareness, but it certainly shocked me at first.
Men want to be desired appreciated and validated physically as much as woman do.
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I am sharing this from a place of compassion and education for the men that have shared with me, for the men who haven’t yet shared with anyone, and for all the people who love the men in their lives!
What working with men has taught me about male body image:
Men want to be desired appreciated and validated physically as much as woman do.
Body image has a massive impact on some men’s self-esteem.
Because men are hard wired to be competitive and alpha, they often struggle more with their bodies being good enough, because good is never enough in the Alpha world. Only the best will ever be good enough.
Depending on the influences in their life, the body ideal a man aspires to differs, however recent studies do suggest that more muscle is one of the most common ‘improvements’ a man desires about his body.
Men tend not to share with each other about their body image issues, when I have asked why I have heard again and again how men bond over teasing. Yet this is such a sensitive topic, bonding or not, they really don’t want to be teased about it.
Fears I have heard males express about their body:
Not being tall enough, or being too tall.
Being too fat, or being too skinny.
Having a small penis.
Not being muscular enough, having flab, having a beer gut.
Having funny ears, or a big nose.
Being too dark, or being too light.
Being too hairy, or not being hairy enough.
I don’t think I have ever heard a part of a man’s body not criticized by a man. It’s a silent stigma in male society because they don’t share it with each other. I makes them feel too vulnerable, but men do feel it and some feel it intensely!
The effects on how a man “shows up” in his life can be limiting, even devastating.
Men tell me that they feel so uncomfortable with their bodies they:
Won’t go swimming.
Stop having sex.
Stop wearing certain clothes.
Stop getting changed in the team’s locker room.
Stop buying fashionable clothes.
Stop initiating dates.
Buy clothes two or three sizes too big in order to hide imperfections.
Go running in the dark so no one sees them.
Puts themselves on secret diets so their male friends won’t know.
Cry over their body’s imperfections.
Feel unlovable.
Has a man in your life stopped doing things they love, cried or dieted in secret, or started hiding from the world’s view?
The answer is yes, remember that these choices are reflections of things men do in an attempt to manage how they feel about their bodies.
They believe it’s only them, that it isn’t normal for a man to worry about his body image.
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Before you think this is vanity, know that it runs much deeper. It’s not about vanity, it is about self-worth, self-esteem and value as a person.
These men are equating their lack of body love to their ability to be lovable!
What does this mean then, if so many men are walking around with this secret insecurity and feeling really limited because of it?
Often these men feel shame, they start avoiding intimacy with partners, they start believing they are unworthy because of an aspect of their body and ultimately it means they feel dis-empowered.
Worse yet, they think they are alone. They believe it’s only them, that it isn’t normal for a man to worry about his body image.
We need to break the silence, bring the compassion, ditch the comparison and make an effort to change ideas about body image, not just for woman but for men too.
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The thing is, I know they are not alone. I have heard all of these complaints from many men and I have heard the affect it has on them too. We need to break the silence, bring the compassion, ditch the comparison and make an effort to change ideas about body image, not just for woman but for men too.
So how do we help men love themselves again?
We stop pretending that someone’s worth is based on their body. We start by not thinking like that about ourselves and then demonstrating this to the men in our lives.
We stop comparing people, ourselves, our partners, our siblings. We start accepting people as they are. Drop the comparison and you drop the judgment, it just is what it is.
We start having a wider conversation about what self-worth really is, about what makes a person valuable, and about what really matters.
We start validating instead of pointing out flaws. Don’t point out his beer belly or anything else. Believe me, he already knows it’s there, it is his body after all. Instead point out what you appreciate about him, what looks good, what suits him. You can never build up someone else’s self-worth but you can avoid tearing it apart!
We stop joking about men’s bodies, we stop pointing out the guys with the “dream body,” and we start to see that this mildly playful process can be truly damaging to the men we love.
We stop calling men vain when they express their feelings about their bodies.
We stop poking at his belly, joking about his big nose and using his body as a form of comedy in any way.
We start reminding him of his worth, his ability, his value, and we do this because we mean it.
What could you do differently today to help how we view male body image and how men value themselves?
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
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Photo: Getty Images
I love this Article! We need to start teaching boys from a young age as well to love themselves. What’s sad is out of all the articles on google, this was the only one that talked about men/boys. All the others were about to teaching women or daughters from a young age to love themselves. It’s not only women who need encouragement.
What do you do when everyone calls you skinny when in fact what they are seeing is your narrow waist compared to your big hips. I’m a man with curvy hips (which is rare) but it does exist. I struggle to look normal. I struggle to find other men who Iook like me, yet to me they all look the same. I’m different. I’ve used a measuring tape: my chest is 39, my waist 28, my hips 37. That’s pretty curvy. It’s the disappointment from others that kills me inside. Even if I accepted myself it seems no one else… Read more »
Easier said then done! I’ve struggled with being too skinny all my life. It’s held me back from having relationships and hurt my self esteem badly. Beyond that I’m also browned skinned and have to deal with most women wanting a strong alpha white male. Further beyond those issues as a child I was I was told, even disciplined for socializing with women. Now as an adult I suffer I have zero social skills with women i.e. Flirting and expressing my interests in them, I hate my self image, and generally walk around with a chip in my shoulders. I’ve… Read more »
Amazing article! That starts when the media and Hollywood has pretty much only white, tall and strong guys as heroes.
Also, the media has responsibility on it, for allow and encourage jokes based on physical and racial differences.
Sile, I certainly appreciate your article. It certainly is relevant to me. I’ve had a severe low body self-image problem for decades. As a kindergartner I was already feeling ashamed of my body. My situation was also complicated by a complete lack of interest in sports – which would become a strong dislike when I went through the mandatory phys ed experience. In addition to simply not having an interest in games of any sort, I came to associate bullying with sports at an early age. I once was physically assaulted by a group of several big boys. I also… Read more »
Bill, Thank you for sharing. I am touched. I certainly don’t have the right words to reply to your very articulate, honest and vulnerable message. So bare with me as I try to be as articulate as possible about such an important and sensitive matter. I am so sorry you experienced such unacceptable acts of violence that obviously impacted you and I am sorry that the impact has left marks. I also want to thank you for stepping forward and creating a plan of action, a plan of healing and not accepting these beliefs and feelings as fact. I believe… Read more »
Thank you for the very kind words. I had to adopt a humble attitude to be able to write. I have come a long way socially since I was a teenager – a time in my life when I viewed football players at my high school as potential enemies and I felt nervous being around any guy who had a muscular build. I will never be a sports fan, but I’ve been reassured and gratified to learn that there are big guys who relate to others in a gentle, compassionate way. Today my best friend is a former high-school football… Read more »
There’s quite a lot I’d like to say in response to this article, I hope I get around to do it.
But just to address your post, Mary N, I have dated women that were taller than me, and older than me, and been dumped simply because of those traits, I was deemed not to be long-term boyfriend material, because I wasn’t manly enough.
I’ve dated men that were a lot taller than me, shorter than me, heavier than me, and thinner than me. It’s taken a lot to convince them that I wouldn’t be dating them if I didn’t find them attractive. Women are expected to have body image issues. A regular lunch conversation revolves around why a friend has suddenly switched to salad. Usually friends are sitting around to say, “I guess you can lose a few pounds if you want, but you’re already gorgeous.” For men, I think it’s a lot harder. There’s no sounding board for how lovable they are,… Read more »