Women like to feel sexy, and often it has nothing to do with men.
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I am an openly sexual person.
I write about female sexuality and orgasms. Our society dictates that we are supposed to cover all that shit up with a giant puritanical blanket. Don’t you dare talk about vaginas or the clitoris—that’s obscene and offensive. Only, it’s completely normal to be a woman and enjoy sex. The trouble is that when I’ve expressed my sexuality openly online, I’ve encountered some unwanted attention from men.
Repeat: The trouble is that when I’ve expressed my sexuality openly online, I’ve encountered some unwanted attention from men.
Let me be clear, when I post pictures of myself in a bikini, when I talk about loving to have morning sex, when I discuss using my vibrator, it’s not an invitation for every human male to send me a message on Facebook discussing what they want to do to me. Unfortunately, many men believe that my sexual posts are related to them personally. I don’t understand why this is. I haven’t mentioned wanting to fuck them when I post a picture of myself laying on the beach in a bathing suit with my friends. I haven’t indicated that I wanted to have sex with anyone in fact—I am simply posting a picture of my body as it naturally is because I like to express myself openly and in a sexual way.
There is nothing wrong with a woman being proud of her curves.
I like to feel sexy. Part of feeling sexy for me is taking pictures of myself where I feel hot and that’s okay. Not only is it okay, it’s fucking hot. And I do not need to receive unwanted messages from men who are horny. I didn’t ask for that. If I wanted to engage in sexy talk with you, you’d know. In reality, it takes me a while to feel comfortable enough with a man to talk dirty to him. I will do that if and when I feel like it. I consider myself an alpha female. I am a dominant personality and I need a man to understand that that’s how I am. Don’t try to pursue me, don’t try to tell me how amazing you are at fucking. I don’t care.
You know what’s sexier than your dick? Your brain.
I like it when you tell me about the books you’ve read. Oh baby that is hot. I like it when you compliment my mind and how smart I am. Yeah, that’s hot. I don’t want you, however, to offer unsolicited remarks about my boobs. If we are in a relationship you can talk about them.
But if we’re not sleeping together you have no right to discuss my body with me, because it’s none of your business.
I have the right to be a sexual person without you demanding to be involved in my sexuality. My vagina doesn’t have to involve you. My clitoris doesn’t know you and you don’t know it. Chances are you will never know it. Just because I talk about sex like I talk about eating a sandwich, doesn’t mean that you have the right to be in my bedroom. It’s not an invitation to comment on my body or ask me to fly out to Paris with you.
How about no?
Women should be able to be sexual without expectation. The epitome of rape culture is the expectation that women exist to provide men sexual gratification. Apparently, by providing images of myself in which I am attractive, I am asking for men to hit on me. No, I am not. I am simply expressing my femininity.
For years, I didn’t want to admit that I was attractive. I hid behind baggy jeans, no makeup, nothing that made me resemble a woman. Now, in my 30s, I am proud to be a woman and I want to embrace my sexuality.
I can talk about using my vibrator.
I can wear red lipstick.
I can do my hair.
And I don’t want to be afraid of what men are going to do in response. I just want to me free. Sexy and free.
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Photo: lucyfrench123/Flickr
Read Sarah Fader’s column every week here on The Good Men Project!
Sarah I’m confused about how you talk about how you want to be able to talk about loving morning sex and using your vibrator but you want guys to talk about things like books with you. If you want men to talk about books with you, why wouldn’t you talk about books too? Why would you talk about your vibrator and the expect men to talk to you about books? I can only assume the conversation would go something like this: Woman 1: “I just had a really good orgasm using my vib this morning!” Man 1 in response: “Have… Read more »
I think she means when she writes a blog post, and links it on facebook, she doesn’t want to be hit on.
I appreciate your attempt to clear up the confusion but I don’t personally find it all that helpful or informative.
Not easy to be a man Archy :).
@Kim, “Not easy to be a man Archy :).”
Amen to that, haha.
Hi Sarah Fader
I invite you to come online and communicate with us.
Here is a video with Sarah
http://www.sarahfader.com/media/
“Apparently, by providing images of myself in which I am attractive, I am asking for men to hit on me. No, I am not. I am simply expressing my femininity.” So is the alternative that you implicitly do not want them to hit on you? The problem is partly the female privilege of being able to not pursue a partner and still get hit on. As a woman, you can be passive and (far more often than men) still find sexual success but men are not afforded that luxury in most cases. This creates an issue where men have to… Read more »
Archy For some reason I have been thinking a lot about this article today. Not because it is good, but it resonates with me . I just did not see it. It is a pity that Sarah is not here and communicate with us. My guess is that she is a victim of childhood sexual abuse . That is why her needs right now are as they are and hopefully she will get a chance to heal and develop her sexuality without any interference or without getting scared once again. Maybe I am wrong but I can understand her .… Read more »
To continue…. I get the feeling she is like a child ,that needs to express her sexuality,and feel secure. She is focused on herself and not on men,or having sex with a man. Well she has told us earlier that she likes morning sex ,but somehow I see a woman more interested in her own development than in finding a man and a sex partner. So the question is ,if posting pics on her Facebook site for all see and oversharing all her thoughts about sex, masturbation, vibrators,, her genitals etc is the best way to heal. I am not… Read more »
Your first comment asking for clarity is one thing. This string of nonsensical assumption-based drivel makes you sound like you really connected with that one semester of intro psychology. There is so much wrong with all of your assumptions, I’m not even sure where to begin. Sending sexually explicit or suggestive messages to someone without provocation is not flirting, it’s harassment. Expecting men to treat you like a person rather than a receptacle for their sexuality is not “female privilege” as Archy so vapidly stated above, it’s just wanting to be extended common courtesy and treated with some basal level… Read more »
No RS I do not try to shame Sarah I try to understand her .
And I do not write as a person one semester into psychology but as a women with that lived all my adult life damage of childhood sexual abuse.
I do not see that Sarah clearly tell us the response she gets from men on her Facebook site is sexual harassment , and I do not see all kind of initiative or response from men as sexual harassment!
But your comment is so maybe you should take a look at your self before you attack others.
“nonsensical” is in the eye of the beholder, there, RS. She is making perfect sense to others so attacking her in such a way, rather then honestly debate without shaming is what seems nonsensical to me. Kim has always been very level headed, very fair in her comments. She is also willing to listen to other’s point of view. By insisting that her comments are little more then vapid assumptions is not only unfair, it’s lazy and it’s bullying. There is no need. Your opinion is your opinion, but it is not law that all must follow or by lynched… Read more »
One more thing RS. To me it sometimes sound like American women’s intent is to castrate all men , or at least make sure they never express their sexuality . I wonder why,because the end result must be a boring society to live in. I do not understand why you are so angry RS. Why does it makes you so mad that I see Sarah as a woman afraid of men and sex? I can not understand why I can not tell how her several articles makes me fee. She seems to be a woman that want to be on… Read more »
Well that’s a lot to read into it, I wouldn’t go that far. We need clarification on what she means. I understand not wanting explicit detailed messages upfront, I understand not wanting people to assume it’s an invitation to be hit on but the thing is there isn’t an invitation to hit on someone in life apart from guessing body language. Someone has to take the risk to ask someone out and often that is without any explicit invitation. People who meet at a shop aren’t inviting someone to ask them out, however some will ask them out and of… Read more »
Archy I agree it is a lot to read into it. Sarah has panic disorder or for several years dressed in baggy jeans, so to me it sound like that what triggers her panic attack is something that has to do with men or sex or what terrible thing can happen if she expresses her sexualty. She can go up on the barricades like she does in her article here and try to change the world. Or she can do like most of learn to do,is to learn the codes in our culture even we like it not. How can… Read more »
Oh this is great. Honestly, you made some halfway valid points,but they don’t really disguise that what you consider “female privilege” is honestly just wanting to be treated as a human being and given the most basic of respect and human courtesy. It also doesn’t negate the”boys will be boys” and “she was asking for it” arguments you make. It’s scary how often men equate sexual advances with “flirting”or “hitting” on women. Do you even understand how stupid that sounds? She’s not saying that men shouldn’t flirt with her, she’s saying that she wished that expressing her sexuality openly wasn’t… Read more »
“but they don’t really disguise that what you consider “female privilege” is honestly just wanting to be treated as a human being”
No, it’s about demanding that men have to read your mind and intent. It should be obvious if you did people the courtesy of actually reading what they wrote. “What you seem to want is to dictate who can hit on you.” and no moving your eyes across the words doesn’t count as reading.
“Honestly, you made some halfway valid points,but they don’t really disguise that what you consider “female privilege” is honestly just wanting to be treated as a human being and given the most basic of respect and human courtesy.” “It also doesn’t negate the”boys will be boys” and “she was asking for it” arguments you make.” My comment went indepth to prove it wasn’t her asking for it. Do I suck at explaining things? “It’s scary how often men equate sexual advances with “flirting”or “hitting” on women. Do you even understand how stupid that sounds?” Sexual advances are flirting and hitting… Read more »
RS
Tell us the difference between a man that flirts and the man that is a creep.
Tell us why a woman can write openly and detailed about her feelings and her ways of having sex on the internet for any stranger to read and see and why that is not creepy?
Well I could agree as long as women don’t get upset when men don’t say anything otherwise that puts us in a position of having to read minds. Give it a few years. It’ll die down just don’t start crying about how you miss it.
I’d say something clever about how you’re a condescending prick with no respect for women, but I don’t have the free time to help you google the words I’d use.
“but I don’t have the free time to help you google the words I’d use.”
Like an entitled prick, you expect me to do the work for you. If you want to use the words and don’t know what they mean, you should google them your damn self. Why should I google them for you?
The person totally meant that YOU are the one who doesn’t know what they mean, haha. But your confusion is understandable, clearly you’re not only an entitled, misogynistic, pro-marital rape prick, you are also ridiculously dumb.
Nice personal attack…especially with the condescending tone of assuming he would need to google the words you would use as if he doesn’t have the vocab necessary.
Archy,
RS has a fundamental misunderstanding of what communication is. That’s the difference between some one who is smart (I could have used intelligent, but why?) and someone who chooses words in an effort to appear smart.
Well said Sarah! But I would like to take it a step further, women’s bodies, what they wear, what makes them happy is not there for the male gaze either. If you wear a bikini or a turtleneck it’s none of my business. If I appreciate or don’t, that’s my opinion and I have every right to it. I just don’t get to say anything. If you were writing from the binary place as a man, traditional, straight, you’d be heralded as getting back the masculinity that was stolen from us. But as a woman if you write things or… Read more »
“If you were writing from the binary place as a man, traditional, straight, you’d be heralded as getting back the masculinity that was stolen from us.”
Heralded by who? It boggles my mind when people think male writers don’t get bad comments, thought of as bad people, etc when discussing topics of masculinity. I’ve seen many comments by men and women criticizing male writers for open sexuality, promiscuity, even taking shirtless pose pics, etc.
It’s ok to express your sexuality, as long as you are not a straight white cis male.
Must be a slow day when all you can do is pretend to be victimized. Expressing sexuality =/= making unwanted advances towards someone. Someone expressing their sexuality =/= asking to be objectified
“Must be a slow day”
A day that matches your speed of thought. No wonder you came out.
And so did you. You’re so slow, male!
If you want to try to be a smart-ass, you gotta be one first.
Yet it’s straight white cis males that talk loudly the most about their sexual needs (as if they were demands) and keep oppressing women’s and LGBT sexual expression.
You are not a victim.
The word is “cunt,” and most women don’t give a shit if it’s used. And can I just say that a woman doesn’t have to post a photo in a bikini to get comments. Every time I change my Twitter photo I get comments of, “Hey beautiful.” That’s sweet but unwanted. I can’t change my face. Plus, what do you think will happen? I’m gonna hop on a plane to fuck you because you gave me a compliment? Get real. The boys will be boys defense is un-fucking-acceptable.
Actually, I have found that most women hate that word. It’s a pretty harsh word. But I will say that I use to have a picture of me up on this very website instead of the little red-headed painting I have now, and men would comment on it and assume certain things based on me because of my picture. It’s actually why I changed it. It became a source of comment instead of focusing on what I was saying. And then I found I had to defend my position even harder because of the assumptions being made about my looks… Read more »
Sarah I am confused! You tell us that you like to express your sexuality. I understand, since we are sexual being already in our mothers womb and until the day we day. What I do not understand is why you get so upset when men express their sexuality as a respons to your posting on Facebook. Maybe I totally misunderstand your article ,but to me it seems like you have a problem or a blind spot. What is the problem? Women and men discuss their sexuality her on GMP but up until now I have never seen any man interpret… Read more »
Sorry , a typo
We are sexual beings already in our mothers womb and until the day we die.
There’s a huge difference between expressing one’s own sexuality and talking to another person as though they are an object for your sexual gratification.
Why would that preclude the latter. When I was weight lifting, I liked being hot so what did I do? Check myself out in the mirror. When I walked around outside and was “catcalled” by women it wasn’t because I wanted to be hot, it was because I was going from one place to another. Now let’s say that I put pictures of me and stuck them on posters out side my home because I wanted to be hot. Part of the motivation for putting them in a public place wasn’t just because I liked being hot, but because I… Read more »
Exactly :).
Something here tells me she is NOT in touch with her deeper feelings .
She behaves as if she wants men’s attention, what them to desire her body, and read about how she use her vibrator. But she demands total respect and the right to dominate a man sexually.
Does she respect all men the same way she demands to be respected?
Does she even like men , or is it only to be desired by them she wants.
So why all this noise…
Discussing sexuality is a far different animal than seeing any such discussion as an open invitation to objectify that personal as a sexual object for the fulfillment of a personal fantasy. “I like sex” =/= “I want to be a participant in your fantasy.” To draw that conclusion is to make a huge leap that isn’t supported logically. It’salso creepy
I keep suspecting that the first letter in your handle should be a B. That would be a more appropriate description of the content of your comments.
Projection much.
Bikini pics are one thing. (or just general pics of your body, regardless of attire) I mean fair enough not wanting comments. But “using your vibrator”? Seriously? These two are not even remotely equivalent. Should I post a pic of the jizz puddle I shot out last time I had a wank? And if I did, would I be justified in going on a self-righteous tirade if any woman commented on it?
What is this, junior high? Women use vibrators. The mention of said use is *not* the same as saying “Please tell me what you’d like to do with me.” Taking the discussion of vibrators as an invitation for expressing one’s sexual fantasies about someone is call objectification. It’s saying that just because I feel titillated, I can treat you as a sex object. That’s messed up.
So I should be able to discuss my daily wank or not?
You ARE able, idiot. Males do that all the time. You guys fucking tell everyone and their mothers about your pathetic dicks and how much you love to use it, wank it, insert it and attack with it.
Congratulations on creating such an insipidly stupid false equivalency that I had to honestly pause for a breath to wrap my head around how absolutely juvenile you sound. Female sexuality doesn’t exist solely as a vehicle for male fantasy, and discussing the nature of said female sexuality is not an invitation.
What exactly is the false equivalency between “male masturbation” and “female masturbation”?
Perhaps if you don’t want the attention from some more aggressive males you should not be posting pictures of your beautiful, scantily clad body to anyone except other females. This is no different than a male posting pictures of his torso showing his abs and a bulge in his briefs. It is all about vanity isn’t it. FB is a public social networking site, by definition you can expect comments, some modest and some crude ones because some males are not well socialized (that’ part of being male from a dysfunctional family). You can also setup your own group and… Read more »
Oh Please Ted! Get over yourself!
Seriously, if there was an Olympic event for the level of mental gymnastics it takes to justify rape culture and degrade female sexuality, I’m pretty sure you could place with this kind of vapid apologetics. Pretty sure your ill-thought tirade could fill half of a “shit people who hate female sexuality say” bingo sheet, easy. I haven’t seen someone so ignorant attempt to be so condescending to a woman since the last time Trump gave a televised talk. This is the sickest combination of slut-shaming, “boys will be boys” nonsense, and woman blaming I’ve seen in a while… I don’t… Read more »
No, Ted, you’re not “one of those” aggressive males; you’re just an apologist for them. Personally, I believe that how I interact with someone is *my* responsibility, and *my* choice. So when a man chooses to respond as an immature asshole, that’s the choice he’s making, not a choice he’s being forced–or even invited–to make because a woman has used a particular kind of language, or dressed in a particular way, or simply chosen to be herself in word and image. So suggest otherwise is to make women responsible for the shitty behavior of sexist men. Nope. No sale.