Women like to feel sexy, and often it has nothing to do with men.
I am an openly sexual person.
I write about female sexuality and orgasms. Our society dictates that we are supposed to cover all that shit up with a giant puritanical blanket. Don’t you dare talk about vaginas or the clitoris—that’s obscene and offensive. Only, it’s completely normal to be a woman and enjoy sex. The trouble is that when I’ve expressed my sexuality openly online, I’ve encountered some unwanted attention from men.
Repeat: The trouble is that when I’ve expressed my sexuality openly online, I’ve encountered some unwanted attention from men.
Let me be clear, when I post pictures of myself in a bikini, when I talk about loving to have morning sex, when I discuss using my vibrator, it’s not an invitation for every human male to send me a message on Facebook discussing what they want to do to me. Unfortunately, many men believe that my sexual posts are related to them personally. I don’t understand why this is. I haven’t mentioned wanting to fuck them when I post a picture of myself laying on the beach in a bathing suit with my friends. I haven’t indicated that I wanted to have sex with anyone in fact—I am simply posting a picture of my body as it naturally is because I like to express myself openly and in a sexual way.
There is nothing wrong with a woman being proud of her curves.
I like to feel sexy. Part of feeling sexy for me is taking pictures of myself where I feel hot and that’s okay. Not only is it okay, it’s fucking hot. And I do not need to receive unwanted messages from men who are horny. I didn’t ask for that. If I wanted to engage in sexy talk with you, you’d know. In reality, it takes me a while to feel comfortable enough with a man to talk dirty to him. I will do that if and when I feel like it. I consider myself an alpha female. I am a dominant personality and I need a man to understand that that’s how I am. Don’t try to pursue me, don’t try to tell me how amazing you are at fucking. I don’t care.
You know what’s sexier than your dick? Your brain.
I like it when you tell me about the books you’ve read. Oh baby that is hot. I like it when you compliment my mind and how smart I am. Yeah, that’s hot. I don’t want you, however, to offer unsolicited remarks about my boobs. If we are in a relationship you can talk about them.
But if we’re not sleeping together you have no right to discuss my body with me, because it’s none of your business.
I have the right to be a sexual person without you demanding to be involved in my sexuality. My vagina doesn’t have to involve you. My clitoris doesn’t know you and you don’t know it. Chances are you will never know it. Just because I talk about sex like I talk about eating a sandwich, doesn’t mean that you have the right to be in my bedroom. It’s not an invitation to comment on my body or ask me to fly out to Paris with you.
How about no?
Women should be able to be sexual without expectation. The epitome of rape culture is the expectation that women exist to provide men sexual gratification. Apparently, by providing images of myself in which I am attractive, I am asking for men to hit on me. No, I am not. I am simply expressing my femininity.
For years, I didn’t want to admit that I was attractive. I hid behind baggy jeans, no makeup, nothing that made me resemble a woman. Now, in my 30s, I am proud to be a woman and I want to embrace my sexuality.
I can talk about using my vibrator.
I can wear red lipstick.
I can do my hair.
And I don’t want to be afraid of what men are going to do in response. I just want to me free. Sexy and free.
Read Sarah Fader’s column every week here on The Good Men Project!