It’s pretty simple really, and it’s not about sex.
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I grew up hearing “be careful of men … they only ever want one thing from girls” and the way to a man’s heart will always be through his stomach. So recently, when the question of the what do men really want from women or what do men wish women knew about them came across my desk, a certain level of curiosity bloomed within. The sleuth in me was loose and on a mission.
“I wish more women knew how or were confident enough to be blunt and just ask what they want to know.”
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Although not a scientific study by any means, I questioned over 20 men. They ranged in age from 19 to mid 70’s. Some I knew well, some not at all. Or I knew their wives or partners and asked a favor to get their significant others to answer a few questions honestly and anonymously for me. Their relationship status ranged from dating to married and divorced. Some were fathers, some not. Their backgrounds were all different, yet they all had things to share. The answers were interesting, to say the least, and there were definite patterns in various age groups.
The younger gentlemen were more concerned about how females saw them and what the expectations and myths regarding them were. The middle-aged men, mostly dads; were more concerned about communication and understanding. The senior men were more concerned about what they had not said, still needed to say and possibly would not get to. None of the men I spoke with ever mentioned anything about sex or intimacy … Not once.
One man offered, “I wish more women knew how or were confident enough to be blunt and just ask what they want to know—no Bullshit—just get to the point and ask the question.” And as more of the interview responses began to come in, I discovered I couldn’t wait until the next email or message notification came to read them. They just seemed to get better and better.
One of my favorite comments was, “women already know too much about men. The other way around might need improving—but again then it would make life too boring.”
So how much do women really know about what men wish they knew? Obviously, if they are not asking, like one of the guys stated, then they really do not have any idea. There are a few things to explore according to some of the men I talked with.
They wished women knew they had a more sensitive side, even if they didn’t always show it.
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One solution, according to Cliff M., was for women to know themselves first. He believes that if women work on themselves first and have set personal boundaries and are clear on what they need, they can then communicate that effectively to their partner. He mentioned he wished they knew their ‘Love Language’ —referencing to the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The book talks about the different ways in which individuals (men and women) express and experience love. Further, the ways in which and the need to share these with each other is covered throughout the chapters. The trick is, Cliff M says with a chuckle, is for the men to read the book ahead of time.
When a woman works on herself, she knows her boundaries
When a man works on himself, he treats her like a queen. Even when she throws pots and pans at him -Cliff M.
Others have stated, “I wish women knew how to read our minds – but only some of the time.” Thinking this was an interesting statement, I questioned, why only some of the time?
The answers led to the top two things that men think about most at night, in down time and when they are away from their partners and families. They worry about job stress and their partners and family. That’s it. I waited for the money but it didn’t come. From a female perspective (as I am one), the thoughts that keep me awake at night pertain to these things too, but there are thousands of scenarios and “what if’s” attached to them. According to the guys I talked to this is not the case. They answered in single ideas, a handful maybe each and that was it. Maybe a few “what if’s” but they think in general terms.
Interesting enough this is the opposite of what came out about their relationships. The majority expressed wanting more details on how to be a better husband, boyfriend, father, and grandfather. Many said when they worried about any ‘what if’ scenarios, it was usually in reference to their relationships. They wished women knew how to tell them how to do these things. Yes, there were a few comments from the younger gents about pleasing a woman, but more about pleasing her emotionally versus physically.
The men I interviewed also stated they wish to be desired and appreciated. Imagine that! Just like the women!
Their ‘love language’— for those who have not read the book; is in doing things for the women in their lives. The size of the task doesn’t matter, but the level of appreciation does.
… providing a safe and stable home or helping around the house. That’s why the stereotype of men celebrating when they do the dishes is so true. We’re showing you that we love and appreciate you … kind of like when a cat brings a lizard to the doorstep. – Christian S.
They wished women knew they had a more sensitive side, even if they didn’t always show it and they wished women knew that what keeps them awake at night was worrying about their partners, kids, and their families.
There was also a common thread of what advice they wanted to share with family, friends and children. The majority ruled over this one being that family is everything. Although many of the middle-aged-and-over men I spoke with mentioned they would not have articulated it as well when they were in their 20’s or even early 30’s, they all said to live in the present.
When the day was at an end, one guy summed it up expertly.
Men are generally fixers, providers and that’s our instinctual way of showing our own appreciation…While to women it may not seem important, when it’s met without being appreciated, we begin to wonder why we should make the effort. In the end, we’re really cavemen—hunters/gatherers/providers—and we need to feel needed—even if we don’t say so.
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Photo: GettyImages