A horrible break up is like being diagnosed with a rare and devastating disease. No, really.
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There’s a Dj Tiësto song called Love Comes Again, and it’s one of my favorite electronic tracks to jam to when I’m driving with my windows down on a warm summer night. Although super upbeat, this song also comes with a great message: love WILL come again – and I truly believe that it will – 100 percent.
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When it comes to romance, I have never had a problem keeping myself in relationships. If anything, I was too eager to jump from one to the next—something that I now see as dangerously unhealthy for anyone. When my life drastically changed due to health issues, I went from an energetic athlete to a patient struggling with a mystery diagnosis. I soon found myself on the opposite end of the social spectrum—single and definitely not ready to mingle. In fact, I haven’t had a girlfriend since 2005.
I still joke around that life gave me a few wrinkled cards, but seriously, what does all of this have to do with love?
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My journey began with a multitude of debilitating symptoms and unfortunately, the medical community was not able to provide any immediate answers. Over the span of a decade, and after consulting with a dozen specialists and having countless blood tests, I was finally diagnosed with a rare muscle disorder called Isaac’s Syndrome.
I still joke around that life gave me a few wrinkled cards, but seriously, what does all of this have to do with love? I think that finding a diagnosis is a lot like finding love. Both journeys require courage, an open mind, and the perseverance to endure the trials and tribulations that come with each.
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Similar to a breakup, my grieving process began with confusion, hurt, sadness and extreme loneliness. These emotions were replaced by anger, resentment, and pessimism. Each stage was a difficult transition, but as they say, time eventually heals. And it did. After many peaks and valleys, climbs and falls, I eventually found ways to deal with my broken heart. If you’re struggling with loss, maybe my autoimmune journey will help you deal with heartache of our own.
“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that the next time you feel alone.” — Mandy Hale
Scientific research has shown that when someone leaves us, we experience a drop in the neurotransmitters associated with pleasure, like dopamine and serotonin. This drop can feel like drug-like withdrawals, and because of this, it’s understandable that it drives us to incredible pain. That’s why we sometimes rationalize jumping back into a relationship – even with someone you’d never consider dating in a hundred years, like Penelope or Ronald from the accounting department. Don’t mask the problem with Penelope or Ronald. You may feel good for a month or two because your attention is somewhere else, but in the long term, you’re walking into a new connection with a broken heart.
Take your time. Accept that loss of any kind will feel like the end of the world.
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As science explains, this would be a temporary “fix” that only delays healing. It’s like covering up a wound with a cheap band-aid – it’s destined for failure. Choosing this option is not a healthy choice for yourself, or the person wanting to get involved with you.
Take your time. Accept that loss of any kind will feel like the end of the world. Focus on yourself, and if you need time alone, take all the time you feel is necessary. Share your feelings with those who are by your side, like the group of friends who are waiting for you to join them on their next pub night. They can help you get back into society when you are ready to push yourself back into the mix of happy times. Let your family and friends help you to heal. If you need professional help, respect that and seek it. It can be extremely valuable as well.
Find things that you enjoy and do them. Maybe consider taking up a new hobby. I recently started painting and I absolutely love it. I’m no Bob Ross, but I do enjoy listening to his YouTube videos for advice, and as a sleep-aid. At this stage, it’s all about regaining your own independence and staying busy. Your goal is to work hard to get back to where you were before you experienced this loss. Last but not least, be mindful that healing doesn’t occur overnight, but every day brings you one step closer.
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My lesson: When everything that I loved was taken away from me—sports, exercise, travel, relationships and a potential policing career—I had to start anew. It was like I had just been broken up with a million times … all at once. But this lifestyle change wasn’t something my friends or family understood. It was up to me to move forward regardless of how slowly I progressed. I spent my weekends at Chapters Bookstore scouring the self-help section for advice. I started a blog (www.healthverdict.com) and I sought out professional help. Instead of giving up and settling for a undiagnosed medical problem, I realized that it was paramount to deal with my medical case before dragging these unresolved issues into another chapter of my life. Looking back on my struggles, I can say that the most significant and life-changing periods have come when I’ve been alone. Being on your own can be difficult, but it can also be a period of change, revelation and personal growth. Embrace it.
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards” ― Søren Kierkegaard
I really do believe that life happens for a reason. It consists of a series of doors that we must open, or paths that we must explore. Sometimes we end up at locked doors or dead ends, but we need to remind ourselves that every step along the way brings us closer to our intended goal. If someone has walked away from you, it’s not the last time you’ll ever have human contact. It’s actually the beginning of a new chapter —a chapter that’s more fitting for your life. Take a look back on your life and see how many of these doors led you to something new. Did you survive your first break up? Did you hit a few roadblocks and eventually find yourself in a better position in a career, at school, or in a relationship? I believe with every fibre of my being that we are meant to meet certain individuals along the way. Sometimes they end up being the “one” right away, and other times, they end up being the ones who teach us the most. Surrender.
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My lesson: As I continued down my journey of medical testing and consultations, I became extremely angry and pessimistic. I eventually realized something important: every doctor I met actually led me to another doctor, and every unrevealing test brought me closer to the blood test that finally uncovered my diagnosis. Even when there was no big breakthroughs in my case, I was moving forward in some small way. I was crossing off options. I was getting closer to the goal with each consultation and test. We need to be mindful that every step along our way has a key purpose – a lesson.
“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.” — Helen Keller
I learned that life isn’t just about you – it’s about the people around you, too.
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Every struggle in life reveals something important. Sometimes we learn a bunch of things at once, and other times, it takes a few heartaches to learn a single lesson. And that’s ok. Without experiencing certain chapters, we wouldn’t arrive where we were meant to arrive, or meet the people we were meant to meet. If we didn’t feel pain and hurt, we wouldn’t recognize ecstasy and passion. And we all deserve passion. The sooner we’re aware of this, the sooner we will be aware of the silver lining in each perceived failure. There will always be another path to veer down or another door to unlock. Believe.
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My lesson: The lessons that have appeared during my struggles have been essential towards my personal evolution. I realized that without this period in my life, I would have never become the person I am today. What can I take away from my journey? I learned how to become more patient, more compassionate, more grateful, and more loving. I learned that rough times don’t last forever and that sometimes we don’t get what we want, but we’ll always get what our soul needs.
I learned that life isn’t just about you – it’s about the people around you, too. Just because you have the biggest bank account or the fastest car in your garage doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be happy. I think your health is of the utmost importance, because without it, you have nothing. I now appreciate the sunshine, the rain, and the dark nights, for those are the times that I truly grew into someone completely different. We all have the ability to bounce back from defeat and failure regardless of the initial heartache. Lastly, and most importantly, I learned that love does come again, whether it’s in the form of a relationship, or whether it’s discovering love within.
There are a lot of parallels between the stages of grief and losing a part of one’s health. Both experiences cause us to feel pain, loneliness, confusion, anger, and resentment. But more importantly, both circumstances can tap into our innate ability to make a comeback. And a comeback will always nourish and encourage personal growth, revelation and perseverance. This will guide you to what will always come again: love.
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Photo: Getty Images