In the U.K., men are more likely to be victims (and perpetrators) of violence; have a shorter life span than women ; be more prone to heart attacks; have less contact with their same-sex parent (because so many fathers choose to absent themselves from their families); are more likely to commit crime, use drink and drugs and spend time in prison ; have less contact with their children (again, this is often by choice); are less likely to choose to be teachers ; are more likely to be injured or killed at work and a war; experience more homelessness, suicide and mental health problems (I can’t find a reference to back this up); are expected to conform to limiting role models for work and family; and make less use of, or have less access to, quality health care. I imagine the situation is not much different in most of Europe or in the U.S.
That’s a pretty depressing list. It seems that it’s not a great time to be male; and perhaps in some ways, for many (but by no means all) men, it never has been, in spite of all the apparent benefits of living in a ‘patriarchy’. However, we have to accept that many of these negative aspects of men’s lives exist because men themselves are choosing to live this way, or are forced to do so by other men. Given that statistically, men still have most of the power in our society, and the policies which fail to provide an equal level of support for men are delivered by a government which is predominantly made up of men, ‘gender self-interest’ or any sense of men ‘looking after our own’ clearly isn’t at work here.
Men and women must work better together to promote egalitarian relationships in which partners resolve disputes through communication rather than violence.
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However much some men seem to think men’s difficulties can all be laid at the door of ‘feminism’, I can’t see we can possibly blame our problems on women’s increasing emancipation and totally legitimate claim to equality in all areas of life. No, it’s down to us make things different; we have to take a collective responsibility for making positive changes in our own lives. The key question is: how do we enable and encourage more men to make life choices that are in their own interests while also contributing to, or at least not threatening, the wellbeing of women and children?
Over recent decades especially, women have increased their understanding of the ways in which they are, and historically have been, discriminated against, and have taken action to resist that and to advance their equality. I can’t see this totally understandable and admirable movement to have been in anyway as having been at the expense of men; ‘equality’ isn’t a concept which ca be applied selectively. But more men are realising that the patriarchy is not, and has not, delivered many benefits for them either; and because we’ve failed to take the kind of collective action and steps to self-empowerment that women have adopted, some men look to blame women for their unhappiness, rather than be inspired by them and follow in their footsteps. Which ironically, in my experience, is exactly what most feminists would want.
Too many ‘Men’s Rights’ activists seem content just to think of themselves as the victims of circumstances over which they have no control, or blame outside forces. But for change to happen which is in men’s interests, we need to reclaim, and earn, a sense of pride, empowerment and confidence, not one of weakness and resentment, and begin to take the necessary steps to building a fairer and safer society. Recognizing that men experience various kinds of violence and discrimination is an important part of this, but this will be self-defeating if women perceive this as an attempt by men to distract from, diminish or avoid male responsibility for misogyny and women’s experience of violence and discrimination at the hands of men. Women are understandably nervous about this, but to make progress with ‘equality for men’, we need the support of women and it’s important to show and reassure them that this is not the case, so they will feel a sense of solidarity in working with us.
It’s not really surprising that men find it harder than women to work together for a collective benefit. We are by nature more individualistic and competitive (or at least have been socialised to be that way) and are by no means as comfortable with sharing our needs and feelings with each other, or working together for the well-being of the majority. But it’s up to us to change this; it’s of no help in this aim to in any way see women, and their own insistence on equality, as ‘the enemy’.
Stereotypes of any kind, including gender stereotypes, even though we might feel drawn to cling to them out of a sense of fear, always have the effect of reducing tolerance and personal freedom, and we must all do what we can to reject them in our own lives and in the way that we perceive others.
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Men and women share the same need to feel free to live to our full potential and to ‘be ourselves’, in terms of personality, orientation, preferred ways of spending time, values etc. Stereotypes of any kind, including gender stereotypes, even though we might feel drawn to cling to them out of a sense of fear, always have the effect of reducing tolerance and personal freedom, and we must all do what we can to reject them in our own lives and in the way that we perceive others. The key point is that men and women must work better together to promote egalitarian relationships in which partners resolve disputes through communication rather than violence.
To improve our collective well-being, men need to have the courage to ‘model’ alternatives to out-dated and impoverished ideas of ‘manliness.’ A greater recognition and acceptance of the emotional side of our lives will be a first step in knowing and accepting our true selves – leading to an increase in mental health and well-being. If we become better able to look after ourselves and to develop skills of empathy and support with each other, we will go a long way towards reducing the causes of male suicide and other types of self-destructive behaviour mentioned at the beginning of this article. At the same time, we must work together to change any laws or policies which we feel discriminate unfairly against men. It’s entirely in our hands to be able to do this.
Here are some practical suggestions for daily action that would contribute to this aim:
Treat the women in your life with respect and regard them as equals. And insist on receiving the same in return.
Be fully informed about the issues in relation to male violence and abuse to women and children or to other men, of whatever kind, and take whatever steps necessary to eliminate it from our own lives, and have zero tolerance for it in the men we interact with.
Build solidarity with the women’s movement and work together with them (and ask for their support) in the struggle to achieve ‘equality for everyone”.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeJoin with other men to lobby for change in any laws or policies which discriminate against men or boys, without posing a threat to the equal rights of women and children.
In a truly civilized society, everyone should feel, and be, free to be himself or herself, as long as their attitudes and behavior don’t damage or restrict the ability of others to do the same, whether they are men, women, or any combination of these! It’s in all of our hands each day to contribute to building this kind of world, and no one else can be blamed if we fail to do what’s needed.
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