I think I’m ready. I’m ready to meet people. I’m ready to mingle; I’ve been alone for so long, and I really needed that time, but I think the next step is finding the right relationship for me.
My friend Jane and I went to happy hour a few days ago; as we were catching up, she mentioned that she felt ready for a relationship. After being single for a while, growing her career, moving into a new apartment, it felt right.
Being someone who’s been in a happy and healthy relationship for the last three years and writes about dating daily, she felt like she could talk to me about the topic and get some good advice.
While it might feel like meeting someone nowadays can be challenging, it’s not impossible. There are many things you can do right now to make finding Mr. or Mrs. Right a bit easier.
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Figure out what you want in a partner.
What does a good fit mean to you? What are the qualities you’re looking for?
What are your non-negotiables?
Don’t start writing a list with 100+ things you want in an individual, like one green eye and one blue, and he absolutely has to read Fitzgerald (lol me when I was 12) but think about the top qualities in a person you can’t see yourself living without. Keep it short and to the point.
For instance, when I took my dating hiatus, I considered the qualities I wished my ex-partners had. One person I dated had different religious beliefs, which was something I disliked, and ensuring my future partner had the same or similar beliefs as I was a non-negotiable.
Physical appearance was important to me. I’ve dated guys for “personality reasons” and overlooked the fact that they didn’t take care of themselves. I wanted someone who cared about their physical appearance.
Meaning I wanted someone athletic, strong, and someone who I knew could pick me up and carry me for several miles if I broke my leg or something.
Honestly, this is a pretty fun exercise because you’re literally going to be envisioning your dream partner, so put on some relaxing music and write down the qualities you want in your future partner.
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Know your deal-breakers.
I’ve dated people in the past who I wasn’t both physically and mentally attracted to. It didn’t end well. This was a deal-breaker for me. Mental stimulation is a requirement.
I’ve also dated people who were outright jerks and unkind to other human beings, and I didn’t want to go through that again — another deal-breaker.
Think of the things that are so utterly and deeply important to you that you’re not willing to compromise on any of them under any circumstances.
This is not your list of “dream” traits like in the list above. This is a list of non-negotiables. Think: they don’t want children. They’re narcissistic. They never tip servers. They don’t have a sense of humor. They never want to get married. They want an open relationship. You get the point.
Don’t date someone who has any of your deal-breakers. You’ve been there once before; what’s the point of putting yourself in that situation again?
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Physically put yourself out there.
If you’re looking to meet someone who has relatively similar interests, go to places of that interest.
If you like music, go to shows. Or go to live music events. If you enjoy working out, go to the gym or fitness classes. If you love food, go to a restaurant and sit at the bar with a book and glass of wine in hand.
Before my partner and I started dating, I used to go to the gym, particular restaurants, and coffee shops alone and regularly. It was easy to get approached, especially when you make it your regular spot.
I’m not saying go to a bar all alone, obviously, be safe and be smart. I went to casual restaurants with a ton of people around.
You can’t expect your dream partner to show up with flowers and wine in hand on your doorstep if you refuse to put yourself out there.
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Be open to the possibilities.
Remember that list of qualities you made earlier? Remember how I mentioned keeping it short and sweet? There’s a reason for that.
When you’re too strict about what you are looking for, you run the risk of letting great people walk past you. Maybe you didn’t think that the love of your life would be into cars, with brown eyes instead of blue, and under 6 feet, but that’s okay.
Don’t let your pickiness get in the way of you finding someone genuinely amazing.
Appearance-wise my partner is the exact opposite of who I envisioned when I was growing up. Had I let that stop me from getting to know him, I wouldn’t be in a happy and successful relationship of 3 years now.
This is something that hinders so many people in their love lives. Men and women let incredible people slip through their fingers because of little things.
I’m the first to say that being attracted to someone is probably the most important aspect to me personally, but not giving someone a chance because they’re too short or their eyes aren’t the color you want them to be is just silly.
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Say yes, even if it doesn’t fit your typical schedule.
If you’re someone who follows a very structured and strict routine daily, be open to switching things up because if you don’t, how will you make room for another individual?
My partner would always ask me out at the weirdest times when we first started dating. A hookah lounge at 11 pm on a Tuesday, an Italian restaurant on a Thursday night, it always felt incredibly random — mainly because I’m a faithful routine follower.
Had I not said yes to all the spontaneous outings, would things have worked out?
Don’t be afraid to be a little spontaneous every once in a while. Say yes to a fun night out with your girlfriends even if you have to get up early the next day (obviously, still, be responsible) because you don’t know who you’re going to meet. Take yourself out to lunch and explore the city by yourself instead of sitting at home alone.
Get out of your comfort zone, and embrace the adventure you’re about to go on. If you want to meet The One, you might as well go all out.
We can all use a little improvement when it comes to our dating lives. Dating doesn’t have to leave you exhausted, strained, or questioning like in an episode of Sex and the City. Instead, it should leave you hopeful, happy, and energized.
If you’re currently in a relationship or are looking for a relationship, I wish you the best of luck, and remember, don’t settle for anything less than you deserve. Enjoy yourself.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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