I can’t be the only one who does this: I scroll mindlessly through Facebook and see an acquaintance who posts something totally out of left field, like a political sentiment that’s completely outrageous, a new business venture, or an announcement laced with hate speech.
I suddenly perk up and wonder about our connection, and what’s going on with them. Then, inevitably, I realize our values are misaligned and I have to unfollow or unfriend them. Is it irrational?
In real life, it takes a lot for me to walk away from a friendship (and a relationship). Historically speaking, it’s been very difficult for me to cut people out of my life completely and use the radio silence method.
Unfortunately, I used to hold onto all friendships and relationships, even if they didn’t serve me.
My personal constitution obligated me to make it work. Regardless of the circumstances or situation, I thought I should try harder, write more, call often, check-in regularly, be close to all people. Then, something happened a few years after college: one of my best friends stopped talking to me. Snap. Like that. I didn’t know why. I had been at her wedding, had visited her on the East Coast countless times. Naturally, I thought it was my fault. I figured I’d done something wrong.
Over the next few years, I reached out to her to learn if we were talking again (we weren’t). For a long time, actually, I was convinced that I had offended her. I cried, I ruminated, I surveyed other people about what I had done.
Then I got a birthday message from her. That small gesture helped me flip my script; I realized she’s terrible at keeping in touch, is busy with two kids, work, and a husband, and doesn’t do well with long distance relationships. I decided to stop taking it personally. I also decided to stop trying and let it go.
That was an awakening for me. Let it go.
What a relief. Knowing she had her own life that didn’t overlap with mine, it occurred to me that she self-selected out of my life. She opened up space and bandwidth for local friendships and new experiences. I examined our college experiences with fondness and love, had great memories and laughs together, and realized it was enough.
This was not easy, but it was necessary. After all, it had taken years to get to the point of being okay with not being close. I felt liberated when reaching the point of being content with the outcome.
Someone once told me, “if it doesn’t end badly, it doesn’t end.”
I didn’t initially believe her when she said it.
And then I was involved in a serious friend break-up (as well as other romantic break-ups) and realized how accurate the above sentiments are.
I had been walking on eggshells with a different old friend for years. She and I had grown apart, our values no longer aligned, our ethics on other ends of the spectrum. We stayed friends for historical reasons, but clearly didn’t have much in common anymore. She accused me of being jealous of her engagement. I was angry for not being allowed to bring my boyfriend to her wedding. I felt unheard, she felt neglected. Our relationship ended with business-like emails (which are copied here, if you would like to read them) and returning keys for our apartments.
I couldn’t tell if I was relieved, glad, sad, disappointed, expectant, or mad. I probably felt a combination of all the feelings. I wasn’t sure if I’d be okay.
Then, I remembered how I felt while involved in the latter months of this friendship: unhappy.
We parted ways and haven’t had contact in three years.
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People drop in and out of our lives.
We pop in and out of theirs, sometimes for a very long time, and sometimes for short spurts. People self-select, meaning they choose something different for themselves. There may be a million reasons as to why a friendship or relationship ends (or starts, for that matter). Typically, we befriend people who share our commonalities and values. Sometimes we grow apart because we are changing, due to factors like maturity, unique experiences, or other things that can’t be easily identified or explained. Change can hurt, and it feels weird to leave a relationship. It’s a blow to the ego to be left. The feeling can be disorienting when you’ve relied on someone for so much time.
It’s okay to let go of the relationship if it doesn’t serve you.
In this case, allow what was to be enough. You don’t have to work so hard to make it as good as it once was. Instead, focus your energy on the friendships that serve you better. (And, make sure the relationship you have with yourself is fulfilling, but this is likely to be another blog post soon.) You and your ex-friend might not have a deep connection anymore. You might want to stay together, but the other person might need to leave. You can’t coerce or force her to stay. He might be holding you back, but it feels good to keep him there for comfort or historical reasons.
I think it works out as it should. The friendships you’re fretting over might need more effort, or they might need a rest. Only you can decide what’s best for you.
And remember: we self-select in order to make room for something better.
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Photo: Taiwaneers/Flickr
This essay originally appeared on Nina’s blog, afterdefeat.