A dad’s 19-year-old daughter wants to be a porn star. Does he honor her choice or intervene?
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Editor’s Note: August McLaughlin is our weekly relationships advice columnist. She’s here to answer questions and offer guidance on the tough challenges we face in our intimate relationships. Readers can submit questions to [email protected]. Not all questions will be published. The opinions expressed in this column do not constitute professional advice. The Good Men Project assumes no responsibility or liability whatsoever for any actions taken by, or reactions that ensue from, anyone following the recommendations in the answers.
Hey August,
(Deep breath …) Our 19-year-old daughter wants to do porn. My wife found nude photos she’d emailed in for a casting. When we confronted her, she said it’s something she’s determined to do—not just once, but as a career. She said it’s her dream. I can’t tell you how heartbroken and perplexed we are about that. Where did we go wrong?
We realize she’s of legal age to make her own decisions, but she’s still our little girl to us.
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We realize she’s of legal age to make her own decisions, but she’s still our little girl to us. She is a smart, talented, and capable young woman, with the potential for so much more than having sex on camera. She considers herself a feminist, for God’s sake. She’s not desperate for money and we’ve done all we could to provide a solid upbringing. We’re not sure what to do.
Sincerely,
Concerned
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Hey Concerned,
How very cool that your daughter was willing to talk to you and your wife about this—regardless of hiding the photos. That speaks to the solid upbringing you mentioned. It’s completely natural to feel all you’re feeling right now. I promise you, your situation doesn’t have to be as daunting as it seems.
When I was about her age, I left suburban Minnesota for New York City to work as a model. Years later when my youngest sister turned 18, I was dumbfounded by her youthfulness; I’d thought I was a mature adult back then! The thought of my “baby” sister traveling the world virtually on her own at that age stunned me.
I asked my mom how she and my dad had let me go, particularly within an industry they knew so little about. Hadn’t they been terrified?
“We knew that if we tried to stand in your way, you’d leave and we might never hear from you again,” Mom said.
I hate to say it, but she was probably right. But they also knew I had solid agents looking out for me. My dad read over my contracts. We discussed logistics. And when I arrived in the Big Apple, I opened my suitcase to find a card from him, showcasing what has since remained my favorite quote:
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
—Eleanor Roosevelt
I’m not sure I’d ever felt so loved.
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I know what you’re thinking. That was modeling—a completely different ballgame. Honestly, it’s not so different. I performed for cameras, arguably selling sex or at least my appearance. (These weren’t campy Target ads.) I considered the work gratifying creative expression.
I also had severe body image issues I’d hidden for years. The pressure to stay thin and the proof of my perceived validity were part of my attraction; if I was paid based on my appearance, I deduced, I must be valuable as a person.
That flawed thinking runs rampant in the high-fashion world, but there are exceptions—secure women who value self-care. People enter the porn world for a variety of reasons, too. As a whole, it allows far more diversity. There’s markedly less pressure on performers to look a certain way, particularly in my preferred genre (which your daughter may dig), feminist porn.
Interestingly, I was anti-porn during my early modeling days—so I understand where your concerns derive from. My views have since changed significantly.
I now interview members of the adult industry routinely. Some are porn stars I consider friends—and they are some of the most intelligent, empowered women I know.
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I now interview members of the adult industry routinely. Some are porn stars I consider friends—and they are some of the most intelligent, empowered women I know. Mia Isabella, the first transsexual adult star, uses her celebrity to inspire acceptance in and surrounding the trans community. Kelly Shibari, the first “Big Beautiful Woman” to appear on a Penthouse publication cover, advocates for more diverse body image standards. Performer Alexa Aimes uses her platform and nursing background to educate about sexuality—including on the differences between porn and real sex. (This is important, seeing as porn has essentially become our Internet culture’s prevailing form of sex ed.)
These women view their work as gratifying art. Many aspire to improve the ways sex workers are perceived and treated by the public. Numerous warn of industry sharks who take advantage of vulnerable women and men for personal financial gain. (Trust me, these sharks are prevalent in the film and fashion worlds, too.) Their agents are licensed professionals who prioritize their safety and wellbeing over landing the biggest gig at any expense. These women control the types of work they do. They are respected on set, not abused.
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If we shun the entire adult industry based on sharks and misperceptions—that erotic work is “dirty,” for example—performers suffer.
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If we shun the entire adult industry based on sharks and misperceptions—that erotic work is “dirty,” for example—performers suffer. They’re “slut” shamed, ostracized, mistreated, and misperceived. Do some women enter the business out of insecurity? Sure. But that doesn’t make their work or decisions less valid. It does, however, make them more vulnerable to sharks.
I realize it’s difficult to process all of this when all you’re thinking is, “My daughter wants to do porn!” It’s not most parents’ dream for their kids. I encourage you to see past that. Try. What if she aspired to model or act instead? Wouldn’t you then do everything in your power to ensure that she obtains credible representation? That’s what matters here, in my opinion, far more than the type of work she’s chosen. What if she aspired to climb the world’s tallest mountains solo? Would you support her venture, knowing the very real risks?
Ask yourself why you’re troubled by her career goals. Are you concerned about exploitation and sexually transmitted disease? Does part of you struggle with the idea that your daughter is sexual to begin with? (Many parents grapple here, just as most kids aren’t hip on thinking of their parents as sexual beings.) Explore your concerns, setting aside any hostility, which would only build walls.
Most importantly, listen to your daughter. Avoid scolding or trying to talk her out of goals she holds dear. If she knows she can trust you and your wife without judgment, she’ll be much more likely to share her feelings and any challenges she faces along the way.
You may also find it relieving to know that most adult film careers aren’t decades long. In many cases, performers spend a fairly short time in the industry then move on to other careers, related or not. Just the other day I spoke to a former award-winning porn star who left the business to pursue what turned out to be a successful music career. She’s now an astronaut in training. (I kid you not.)
If your daughter moves forward with her porn aspirations, I highly recommend contacting LATATA, a non-profit organization consisting of licensed adult industry agents that promotes high industry standards—including mandatory, routine STD screening. You may also find my recent interview with Jack Spade and Ariana Marie, experienced performers turned credible adult agency owners, helpful. We discussed how to find a solid agent, how to stand up for yourself on set if needed and more.
From where I stand, you haven’t gone wrong with your daughter. This turn in her journey is a prime opportunity to make sure you keep doing right.
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From where I stand, you haven’t gone wrong with your daughter. This turn in her journey is a prime opportunity to make sure you keep doing right. As a woman who cherishes the freedom to express her sexuality and has long loved the stage, I can absolutely see how your daughter might find work in porn empowering, but you don’t need to. All you need to do is love her.
Cheering for you,
August
Photo—Emilian Robert Vicol/Flickr
at the very least she should be told the consequences involved. It’s not like she’ll be able to keep it a secret. Eventually people will find out and she’ll have to deal with the stigma for the rest of her life. it’s not respectable work.
in my view this is a failure on the parent’s part because he clearly never explained to his daughter why porn is harmful
daughter* thoughts*
this is all your fault fucking smash her head in with a bat dumb piece of shit be a little bit more dominant to your childeren your fookin child wants to do porn no good parent would let her own doughter do porn they would fucking kill her if she dit or even had toughts of doing that stuff the world is fucked up now
I know this is late in the game but this is the most absurd answer to these poor parents that could be given. Sex workers are not treated well in our society and no it is nothing like being a model. Porn actors are not welcomed back in this society. I’m sure being a model will not affect future career options like a porn performer will find. Siblings will not be taunted about seeing the hot videos or her father was not looked at like he must have abused her. Being penetrated by several strange men on camera is not… Read more »
Porn star or not you need to respect, support and accept her career decision. If my daughter decided to do porn I’d be surprised at first, but family is family and this isn’t the 1800’s, people need to start learning porn empowers and teaches women new things about there sexuality.