It’s a nasty stereotype that men are poor gift-givers. Think Homer Simpson and his birthday gift to his wife Marge of a “Homer” engraved bowling ball. Or the last minute, panic-filled guy searching the shelves of a convenience store on Christmas Eve. It’s no wonder that this time of year feels many men with dread.
Maybe I’m just lucky. My husband has always done a great job with gifts. (Even when he had to explain how he thought of me when looking at a small gargoyle. I truly believe him when he shared that it was meant to watch over me and keep me safe when he was out of town.) Or maybe, I’m just easy to buy for.
Now I know you’re seeing all kinds of ads for perfume and jewelry. Maybe you’ve even heard that you can’t go wrong with “bling”. Beware television or the internet bearing “gifts”. Both perfume and jewelry are personal. If you don’t know what your wife likes, or if she even likes either, don’t head down that road.
A gift has meaning, or at least it should. Just buying someone something because it’s expected instead of considered will more than likely blow up in your face. Even if it misses the mark (the aforementioned gargoyle), the care with which it was chosen will register. And a real gift takes both thought and effort.
As Thoreau said, “The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.”
So, if you really want to ensure you’re getting your wife something she will appreciate, look to her Love Language. Because gifts that become memorable are about what matters to the recipient. It’s why there are “wish” lists.
Here are the five Love Languages:
1. Words of Affirmation: This love language is revealed in the desire for verbal acknowledgments of affection, including frequent “I love you’s,” compliments, words of appreciation, verbal encouragement, and often frequent digital communication like texting and social media engagement.
A gift in this Language might be poetry or song lyrics that you have printed and framed. Followed by a handwritten one every week, a monthly card or sticky notes that randomly appear throughout the year. Also having a whiteboard where you write statements of gratitude for her every day.
2. Quality time: People whose love language is quality time feel loved when you actively want to spend time with them and make the effort to hang out. They particularly love when you prioritize being fully present with them on a regular basis.
A gift for someone with this language would be a calendar with a list of dates and activities already penciled in. Be sure to include adults-only weekends or vacations. Follow this up with setting aside at least 15 minutes a day where you are fully present with her.
3. Acts of service: This language is for those who believe that actions speak louder than words. Unlike those who prefer to hear how much they’re cared for, people with this love language like to be shown how they’re appreciated. They deeply value it when you go out of your way to make their life easier.
If this is her love language, make a grid of all the things she does that aren’t her favorite thing. Leave some blank spaces. Give her this list and have her circle (or write in) the ones that would mean the world to her if they were suddenly done for her. Decorate a jar and put at least 52 slips in it. (It’s okay if you repeat some.) Put the jar in a public place and, each week, pull out a slip and do the action.
Feel free to do things for her at random as well. It will leave her feeling loved and noticed.
4. Physical touch: People with this love language feel loved when they receive physical signs of affection, including kissing, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, and sex. Physical intimacy and touch can be incredibly affirming and serve as a powerful emotional connector for people with this love language.
A gift that might work here is a date for a couple’s massage. Not just a gift certificate but an actual scheduled time. Also learning how to give her a massage and setting aside time monthly to give it to her with no ulterior motive would work too. Sitting with her for a while several times a week and holding hands or snuggling for 15 minutes is a way to show love all year long.
5. Gifts: This language is spoken by receiving something that is both physical and meaningful. These are visual symbols of love. It’s not about the monetary value but the symbolic thought behind the item. People with this style recognize and value the gift-giving process: the careful reflection, the deliberate choosing of the object to represent the relationship, and the emotional benefits from receiving the present.
This may seem to be the easiest of languages, but it can be the most challenging because of the deliberation and care necessary. Finding something that reminds her of your first date, a special place or time in her life, a dream she has, etc. are all expressions of deeper thought and care. Consistently sharing small mementos of her life throughout the year will tell her she is on your mind.
In reality, we all see things through our own experiences and desires. It can be hard to think outside of your own feelings and what’s important to you. But that is part of giving.
And when you do it well, you will also receive.
Unsure about her love language? Click here and we’ll talk about it.
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Previously published on foundationscoachingnc
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