A friend of mine recently put up a post on Facebook comparing the covers of two magazines, Girls’ Life and Boys’ Life.
The latter featured a banner of “EXPLORE YOUR FUTURE” while the former had catchy headlines like “Wake Up Pretty!”, “My First Kiss,” and “Your Dream Hair.”
You know, all the reasons girls work so hard to get into good colleges.
Of course this double standard is empirically appalling; girls are brainwashed almost from birth to believe that being pretty, getting kissed, and having dream hair are worthy goals. The good news is that in my observation, most little girls DO actually believe they are pretty; the bad news is that as they grow up and are exposed to photo-shopped, airbrushed, homogenized images of women, many of them lose this self-confidence.
I read this quote recently from Warsan Shire, the Kenyan born poet and writer: “It’s not my responsibility to be beautiful. I’m not alive for that purpose. My existence is not about how desirable you find me.” This is an empowered but ultimately intellectual statement about the generic “you.” Because when a woman falls in love with a man there is a period of time when her existence IS about how desirable he finds her.
Anyone who denies this has never truly fallen in love.
We can argue that beauty and desirability are not the same thing (True). We cannot argue that feeling beautiful does not enhance a woman’s sense of her desirability (that would be false). And this is where many men, even men in healthy long-term relationships, find themselves in a losing battle; no matter how often they reassure their partners that they find them beautiful, they will more often than not come up against a wall of denial.
Time and time again men find themselves in the crosshairs when they utter the phrase they have been taught women long to hear: “You look pretty today.”
The reasons for this are so insanely complicated I will have to now resort to a list:
- A mirror has “confirmed” that this is not a true statement
- The media has repeatedly and incessantly “confirmed” that this is not a true statement
- We are taught that accepting compliments is the work of raging egomaniacs
- This statement often precedes a request for sex or some favor
- People who love us cannot be trusted to tell the truth about such things
- “It’s not my responsibility to be beautiful”
- When we are feeling terrible about something else, how we look doesn’t matter.
Do I need to go on? Being told we are “pretty” is the equivalent of an emotional loaded gun for most women. Beautiful women have their feelings dismissed because apparently their genetic gifts are supposed to exempt them from the right to feel bad about anything; women who feel they do not meet the standard of beauty often resort to expensive products, extreme diet, and fitness plans and even surgery to feel “acceptable” or “desirable.”
Never mind the legions of women who have “given up” on feeling beautiful; but not in the healthy I-accept-myself-as-I-am way. More in the I-accept-that-I-have-failed-to-meet-the-standard-of-womanhood-and-therefore-do-not-deserve-love kind of way.
That’s right, men. That is just a small sampling of what you are up against when you tell a woman that she looks pretty. You are victims here, too.
And by the way, I know it is not politically correct to admit this, but the monthly fluctuations of my hormones can also seriously compromise my ability to take a compliment. Telling me I look pretty at the wrong time of the month can result in some serious consequences. Of course I speak only for myself and not for all of those women who get outraged when it is suggested that their cycle can sometimes have an impact on their moods.
My hat is off to all of you who live in a reality that is so very alternate to my own.
So this is a fine mess we have here—damned if we do want to be pretty and damned if we don’t, with men getting so many mixed signals that it’s amazing they are still in the game at all. And I haven’t even started talking about body image yet! (Don’t worry, I won’t today).
Will we ever get to a point—as a society of men and women—where we’re satisfied?
How can we sort this out as a society? I certainly know plenty of happy couples in good relationships who seem to have navigated this minefield successfully enough, so there is hope after all. And I do think parents are much, much better these days at both reinforcing a positive self-belief system in their children and de-emphasizing the need to “look” a certain way for boys and girls alike. I see kids that are much more comfortable embracing their uniqueness than most people of my generation were.
So that’s progress.
But for those of us who are still caught in the double bind between wanting to somehow meet that unattainable standard we never agreed to and wanting to feel comfortable in the skin we are in, I think there are some helpful tools available to us.
First, unless you are one of those fashion junkies (you know who you are!), please don’t look at fashion magazines with their airbrushed images. Or conversely the tabloids intent on shaming women with cellulite, etc. Absolutely no good can come of ridiculing another woman’s form.
Accept that the statement “Love is blind” is a rather cruel way of saying “Love sees true beauty”. We have all had the experience of meeting someone and perhaps making a hasty, unkind judgment about the person’s looks, only to later get to know them and in doing so begin to find them stunningly attractive. Never mind actually falling in love! When you have fallen head-over-heels, there is NOTHING that cannot be construed as beautiful, charming, alluring. Sorry, that is a FACT.
The truth is that how we look is actually a small fraction of what makes us attractive. We know it intellectually but boy, it can be challenging to remember on a bad hair day. And how do men combat the reality that “You look pretty today” has an equal chance of earning them a glare as a kiss?
First, understand that if you get a glare it has little to nothing to do with you. But also, why not be more specific? “Your hair looks great that way,” “I love the way you move in that outfit,” “That color makes your eyes sparkle.”
Something that says, I notice you, I am paying attention to your details.
Sadly I cannot GUARANTEE you won’t get a glare. But hopefully the next time you do, you will understand it and be more likely to say the words a woman truly longs to hear: “You are enough, just as you are.”
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Photo: Matt Frye
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Damn it’s tough being a guy. You read articles like these. You shouldn’t compliment a woman. Then you read comments like below. Women have body image issues because of men and more men need to start finding more women attractive. Then you hear from other women that they dress up / look sexy for themselves because they like it and men shouldn’t hit on them because they didn’t look sexy for them. Now, I know not all women are the same and so you can get different perspectives, but how can men tell them apart? You can’t until you’ve said… Read more »
It tough being a woman too! Shall we agree that navigating the opposite sex is complex? And sometimes our intentions are hidden even from ourselves.
I wonder if compliments depend on context and the relationship with someone. A lascivious ‘compliment’ from a stranger as I walk down the street can feel like an assault and is quite different from something similarly said by a man I know well. Everyone should think the bride looks ‘beautiful’, the groom ‘dashing’, the pregnant woman ‘radiant’. And why not? I used to struggle with compliments because I found it hard to receive, but now I love them and well-chosen ones spoken from the heart feel like gifts. They bring warmth and everyone should have them. I like to give… Read more »
I think your comment is a great one rosy from an individually internal perspective, rather than coffeehouse intellectual philosophy. I like the context point. I thinks that’s very valid. And your last comment about enhanced internal feeling of femininity is valid, refreshing, and in no way connotation your validity of being a woman, versus self, by virtue of receiving praise from a man, as if since it came from a man, then that proves I’m worthwhile. Good points Rosy.
Thank you Mark.
@ Rosy
I enjoyed your comment. I agree with much of it although I’d like to point out that relationships don’t always make a comment comfortable. My female relatives commenting on my physique when I was weightlifting always felt weird even when they just called me handsome.
Yes I can see what you mean. Perhaps compliments even from those known to us, should be attuned to the sensitivity of the recipient. Even generosity needs to be measured accordingly. After all, what is shyness if it’s not the fear of being exposed too soon. Still, I hold by what I said about receiving compliments – I had to learn how to receive graciously.
Interesting. If I thought you were pretty, I’d say so. I hope if you thought I was handsome, I’d hope you’d say it. Interesting choice we have of words isn’t it? Pretty, handsome. Hmm. It’s an odd thing isn’t it. One sees it as sexism, another sees it as grease that smoothes human interaction. One sees it as some form of oppression, another loves the attention. So where do we go with this? Personally. This is one of those micro aggressions I really think are the thoughts of stupids. I don’t say you are are, just the concept of it… Read more »
Actually, confidence and morale for girls is at an all time low, statistically. With girls as young as six talking about being fat and needing to diet. It is an increasingly difficult world for girls and women to live in. Everything sexualizes young girls and women alike. Everything is literally about women having to be attractive. From Halloween costumes (which seem to target girls in ways boys aren’t targeted), to newly edited cartoons of My Litte Ponies and Strawberry Short cake who are made to look more attractive, with bigger eyes and thinner limbs, to Disney who heavily focuses on… Read more »
While I agree with you on the mefia, as well as marketing, I don’t agree that the sweeping statement of men always wanting and really, expecting,women to be that way. Seems to be a continuation of the older feminist viewpoint. We certainly don’t get angry at them for not. I think media and marketing has way too much influence over the conversations we socially have now. It’s in their best interest to keep it going. Not ours.
That was slick of you Mark. By taking a shot at your preconceived idea of my age and certainly what you believe is negative in having ideas about how women are treated vs how they should be treated, you’ve certainly done well to paint me a certain way. Funny that you believe a woman is negatively affected by her opinion based on her age though. Is the same true for men? Would you have ever called out a man’s older age as a reason suggest his opinion wasn’t valid? What is your own age? Do share. What is my age… Read more »
Y’know Erin, sometimes I think you’ve got all these things bottled up in your head, just waiting to burst forth, that you don’t really comprehend what you’re reading. I’m not being mean, it’s like a really bad case of ADD. My boss does exactly this. Thinks he understands what he just heard or read. Makes it really hard to have a discussion I said nothing about your age, perceived by me or otherwise. When I said older feminist thinking, I meant feminist thinking from the 70’s that has continued to be carried forward to today, and adopted by current feminists.… Read more »
Mark your comment made me laugh. And given what has happened in the interaction between you and Erin, the irony in relation to the article isn’t lost on me either!
Mark – wrapping your post up with a ‘you’re welcome” comes off really condescending. You clearly believe I should be ‘thanking’ you for something. What exactly should I be ‘thanking” you for? You disrespected me and undermined me. You put me down. If I had came to you and said the things you just said to me, you would have felt targeted. If I told you I don’t believe you really understood what you’re reading, not just in this article, but universally you lack reading comprehension abilities and display ADD behavior, and *you* (not me) are the reason we can’t… Read more »
And there you have it sports fans. Wtf was all that? Who the hell brought up orgasms? That’s just plain weird.
Well, there, Kara, First thing that I need to do is to thank you for your honesty. Second is for expressing the issues that women face without resorting to blaming men, but in fact, empathize with them. Rare to see these days. Third is to acknowledge the reality. I say it all the time. Men are in a box, women a bubble. It’s the same, only different. As Anthony pointed out, the men’s magazines that box us with such. That is the importance that I see in this: clear understanding that we are all facing the same issues, just different,… Read more »
Screwed if you do, screwed if you dont. This sounds like a problem that should be fixed at it’s origin and not one I want to meddle with. Considering today’s hyper sensitive and reactionary HR/SMS culture, you engage and interact with women at your own risk. * and of course your are a sexist misogynist if you point out the dangerous Catch-22
“Anyone who denies this has never truly fallen in love.”
I think it’s really unfair of you to make a statement like that. You’re basically denying the authenticity of the love of people who’s experiences do not match your own or your own beliefs. It’s rather hurtful.
“A mirror has “confirmed” that this is not a true statement” I can relate. I don’t take compliments on my looks / physique today as well as I did in my youth because I don’t feel that I look good, but in the past I knew I looked good. The begs the question does that not apply then if she looks beautiful. I’ve also met son,me women who knew they looked beautiful and others still that let you know they knew they looked beautiful. Would it be OK to call them beautiful (From her standpoint. From his standpoint admitting it… Read more »
You seem very self absorbed.
Agreed. What a bullsh*t article, and a bizarre place to take a compliment. No wonder men think we’re all nuts. Honestly!
I really enjoyed this article. There are some things I’d like to mention. Not as rebuttals, but just to start the conversation. That magazine comparison, while “true” in a bigger picture sense, is between a trashy thing found on a supermarket shelf, vs. an official Boy Scouts publication. The same issue hits boys/men a little later, and it centers around body image, just as with girls/women. “How to get ripped arms women want to be held by”, “six pack abs you’ve always wanted”, “best protein supplements for working out”, etc. with similarly ‘shopped pictures of guys with perfect, glistening muscles,… Read more »
Yes, that’s true. But next time you are in CVS or a supermarket, notice that both male and female magazines objectify women on their covers despite topic articles about guys getting ripped. The visual images are the things a lot of kids see and internalize.
There was a Reddit post about these magazines awhile back. The good point that was brought up was that Boys Life is a Boy Scout magazine while the Girls life magazine is a publication. I applaud the boy scouts for delivering a strong message to young boys where this is lacking in the media such as this article.
I don’t think the point is to suggest that Boys shouldn’t have strong, wholesome magazines that support and encourage the right things. I think the point was to point out how society socializes girls around troubling things. If the magazine situation doesn’t please you, just look at how halloween costumes are handled. When I was little, Halloween was a time you could be scary, ugly, cute, grotesque…anything. Today, little girls and women are suppose to be ‘cute”, “pretty” and “sexy”. Halloween costumes are marketed in very different ways to young boys and men vs young girls and women.