Searching for a fulfilling relationship can be daunting; it can seem like you find part of what you need, but not all. And sometimes, not even that — because ONLINE DATING. You can feel like too much, not enough, or both. Maybe you’re asking for a lot? Maybe it’s easier just to rely on yourself and play it safe? People are scary, unpredictable, unreliable.
I knew I hadn’t been ‘perfect’ in my past relationships, but I also had these lofty ideas that when I finally found “the right one,” I would break open and be able to love them back. I would feel free to be me and completely okay, just as I was. I would be that person I’d been hiding inside for so long, and they would be enamored with it, having spent so long searching for me in return.
But I recently met someone who is willing to give me all the things I claimed to have wanted, and patiently wait while I sort out my feelings on the matter. And I actually cannot stand it.
All of my fears are activated. I frequently find myself making excuses to break it off and run away. He’s smothering me by wanting to see me all the time — he actually admits to being excited (the nerve). Something he said last week (everything, anything) that seemed harmless now suddenly surfaces before a date and I’m convinced that he can’t possibly be seeing me for who I am. He likes me and isn’t afraid to tell me; I feel trapped.
So, I’m faced with the truth; I’m afraid to be given what I want. I’m afraid to feel cared for and truly seen. I’m afraid to let someone that close because I’m still telling myself it means he can hurt me even deeper than everyone else; that it’s giving him permission to leave me heartbroken and worse off than I started. I’m creating incessant stories to validate my fears and avoid being vulnerable.
When someone meets you at the level you’ve claimed to want, you have to face up to your own issues and it sucks.
You have to start being honest with yourself or push this person away to keep the status quo; you can no longer pretend it’s not your fear that is getting in the way of your happiness.
I’m finally at the place where I refuse to continue this cycle. I’ve realized that living the lonely, “safe” version of life is so much worse than any pain another human could possibly cause. Because it’s voluntary. Once you see how you are pushing people away instead of letting them in, you cannot un-see how you are complicit in your own misery.
Looking back on how much heartbreak and pain I have survived already, I have proof it can be done. By me specifically. I know that I will survive it if it doesn’t work out. Instead, I have been believing the story that “I can’t do this.” Or It’s too hard; I’m not good enough; He won’t love me, and I’ll look stupid; My body is too imperfect; He will reject me, and it will be proof I’m unlovable; I don’t have my finances/job/life/living situation figured out enough to actually date an adult, etc. There are so many reasons I could come up with to validate my fears, if I choose to.
But there’s one single one keeping me from giving into this fear. Okay two: The first is that I’ve lived without this desired partnership so long, and I know it’s worth trying for when the right person comes along. The second is my internal BS meter that’s lit up like a Christmas tree, calling me out on my lies before I can even transfer them to someone else and make it their fault. I can’t ignore it anymore.
Sometimes the truth of this is hard to see (or believe as truth) because again— it sucks.
So, it appears I’m going inside and diving deep to find new answers instead of handing out the same tired, convenient excuses. I’m saying yes to being with him instead of listing reasons to stay single and “safe,” even though this person is actually offering me the safety I’ve always craved. He will listen, like I’ve always wanted to be listened to. He will share his time with me, willingly and joyfully. He will truly see me for the human I am, not the convenient version others wish to see. And it’s terrifying.
But I’m here to tell you that taking this chance is survivable (so far!).
All I know is that the only way to keep making necessary internal progress is to do the next right thing. Make the next choice. Live each day, each moment, as close to who I want to be going forward as possible. Be honest with myself and ask what is actually best for both of us. Not the easiest. Not the most convenient. Not the crap I made up to make myself feel better.
How do we both deserve to be treated and respected, when the world has already kicked us around enough?
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When fear is driving you backward, I suggest playing through all the possible scenarios. Yes, being honest and showing up for this is hard; what would happen if you didn’t do this thing that you’re afraid to do? If you shirk being honest, don’t have the hard conversation, or lie about your needs or boundaries; whatever it is you are avoiding.
Will keeping your truth inside just fester and explode out later? Most likely, if you’re anything like me. Will avoiding true, lasting relationships all of your life keep you from ever feeling uncomfortable? No, and even if it did, would it be worth it? Think of the actual alternatives you face instead of this thing that is scaring you; play them out. Is that the life you want to live?
If not, try taking the chance. I find that when I spool these scenes out to the end, the original choice doesn’t seem that hard anymore. All the other resulting possibilities (resentment, invisibility, bitterness, loneliness, etc.) feel so much harder to keep facing as I go on living life. You know those feelings, and you know what happens if you run away again. Are you willing to keep living that way?
My answer is no. I’m not. I reached my point when I decided it wasn’t feasible anymore and acknowledged that anything was better than the desolate landscape of my keeping everyone at bay.
I’m taking the chance. Or chances, I should say.
Because it’s not one decision; it’s many. It’s a choice, every single day, to want to be with this person. To show up the best way I can even though it’s freaking hard. To ask for space and a little consideration when I need it instead of taking my doubts and hangups out on him.
And his answer is always yes. Whatever I need, it’s not unreasonable. Because he’s the right person for me, right now, and he’s willing to wait until I’m comfortable. How could I let that go (or chase it away), when that’s exactly what I say I want and need? Today, I will be brave.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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