Social media, Twitter specifically, caught my attention in two ways recently on issues related to #MeToo: sexual assault and men’s treatment of women.
Let’s start with this Tweet by Teen Vogue reporter Vera Papisova.
Much of what encompasses #MeToo and reaction to it is complex, deeply interweaving personal behavior and societal trends and norms. And certain things, like our sexuality, contain more nuance than most of us are used to dealing with and talking about, and at times can seem contradictory.
Aggression, or perhaps rather, being dominant, is a good example. It can be a turn-on sexually, and even necessary within the context of a long-term romantic relationship.
Ideally, over time, partners can share or rotate who takes a dominant, leading role (not just in the bedroom, but in the relationship as a whole) so that one person can follow or be submissive when they want to.
But without balancing and sharing these roles, patterns can become too ingrained, leading to power dynamics that become exhausting, toxic, and ineffective. Sometimes in our lives, at work, in our relationships, we each must take on the role and responsibility of leading, being dominant, initiating.
From who initiates sex (and to what kind of sex: sometimes soft and gentle, others rough and fast) to who plans vacations to who makes dinner, sharing these decisions and actions, in a way that evolves and works for each person, can make or break how a relationship functions and whether or not it survives. Navigating those roles can be challenging and complicated; it hinges on what I wrote on recently about emotional labor here and here.
But what is not complicated is whether or not it’s OK to grope women. It’s disgusting and gross and illegal and is probably the easiest form of male behavior that men should be able to change immediately. Here’s a new golden rule for you:
Don’t touch other people without their permission. Ever.
100% of the 54 women Vera Papisova spoke to at the music festival Coachella were groped or touched in ways they found inappropriate or unwanted. All of them. She herself was groped at the rate of more than twice per hour over the course of her relatively short time there.
Yeah, yeah, crowds and lines, you’re going to bump into people, it happens. But you know as well as I do that’s not what we’re talking about.
This is about men putting their hands on women without consent.
And doing so without any fear of consequence or repercussion, either from the women or legal authorities.
I’m not sure which is worse: the entitlement it takes to engage in this behavior knowing there won’t be any punishment, or the behavior itself. One leads to the other, in a cycle we need to break.
I’ve been to my share of concerts, music festivals, conferences, athletic events. I used to ride the subway to and from work. I know what it’s like to be in crowded, tight spaces, and to be in big crowds.
Not once did I cop a feel of a woman’s breasts, or grab her ass as she walked by, or push up against her in a crowd. It’s disgusting behavior, and massively disrespectful.
Being anonymous in a crowd does not grant license for sexual and physical assault.
We can debate the dynamics of bedroom intimacy all day long. We can focus group and workshop the just as complicated dynamics of power, leadership, ambition and camaraderie that occur between men and women in the workplace.
But none of that will ever matter if men feel it’s OK to touch and grope women without consent.
This behavior has to stop. There is an underlying psychological or mental block that leads to that kind of inappropriate touching, and it’s men’s view of women not as people, but as of objects, sexual objects to be touched, used and enjoyed.
That was the theme of the other item I found on Twitter, an hour-plus podcast hosted by ESPN reporter and radio and TV personality Sarah Spain called Eyes Up Here (her podcast is called That’s What She Said.)
It’s worth a listen. While the women interviewed all work in sports media, the issues and experiences they discuss quite clearly go beyond the world of sports.
And it is painful to listen to their experiences. How bosses would tell them how to cut their hair and what to wear. How considering sex appeal was ‘part of the job’ of women in the media. And then there’s the comments on social media.
By men. Demeaning, insulting, dehumanizing comments all directed about these women’s physical appearance, not what they said about a particular topic, not about their work. About their breasts. Or their make-up. Or their thighs. But usually about their breasts.
It’s easy, all too easy, to hide behind a keyboard or mobile phone and make such comments. What would compel a man to do so was actually brought up during the episode? They had theories, but really no concrete explanations.
Men, ask yourself: if you’ve ever posted a comment on a woman’s social media feed, whether she is a nationally known sports reporter or a model or movie star or just someone you stumbled upon, and it was a comment about her physical appearance, what did that do for you?
And did you ever consider the effect on the person you’re talking to? How it hurts. How it’s insulting. And how each of those comments, on each post, every day, ad infinitum, is damn exhausting for the women who need to endure this virtual harassment.
You might think, in that moment, that you are being in control. That you are in power or have the upper hand in the relationship. You don’t. All you did was post on Twitter or Instagram. The woman doesn’t know you, and doesn’t care to. Go take your feelings of inadequacy elsewhere, where they can’t hurt other people.
Look, have I ever been caught looking at a woman’s chest instead of her eyes? Of course. Our biology will forever have men perceiving women, at some level, as potential partners or mates. Thank you, Mr. Darwin.
The women on the podcast bemoaned the extent to which they are viewed as sex objects. Not as reporters or professionals, but vehicles for sexual fantasy. And they talked about, as I did in an earlier post, the challenge of…wearing clothes.
That’s right, clothes. Something men not only take for granted, but don’t even think about. White shirt, blue shirt, khaki pants, dark pants, brown shoes or black shoes. For women, their appearance becomes tantamount, because of men’s reacting to women as sexual objects first. It’s dehumanizing.
Many men, in the aftermath of #MeToo, have asked what they can do. Here’s a second place to start, after not touching women in public or anywhere else without permission or consent.
Think about how you see other women. Not perceive them, but literally see them.
Take into account biology and your natural sexual urges, because they are a part of you. But also try to understand what you are seeing when in the presence of a woman. Or when you look at a woman on TV. Is she a potential mate only, or part of your fantasy of a potential mate…or is she a human being?
Is that woman, even if she fires up a desire within you, a sex object, or a person?
Perhaps these questions seem strange. But think about what it’s like when you see a man standing in line at Walgreen’s. He’s just another dude, right, a guy buying some stuff for the house?
Just because a person is of the gender you are sexually attracted to doesn’t make that person a sex object. They are a person first, with feelings, emotions, responsibilities, fears, insecurities, and joys just like you.
Women make up half of humanity. You can’t view half of humanity as objects of desire.
If, when you see a woman, all you do is look them up and down, measure their figure, imagine them naked in the sexual position of your choice, you demeaning her, and yourself as well.
The first point in this essay should be easy to navigate. Keep your hands to yourself. You shouldn’t need a trick or device like pretending your mother or a cop is watching. Do it because you shouldn’t touch women when they don’t want you to because doing so is gross and wrong. Full stop.
The second is trickier. We’ve all got years of brain wiring and chemistry and habits and urges to deal with.
But that can’t function as an excuse. Men, if you’re looking for a place to start, for a way to be better, think about the way you see women when you look at them. Are you looking at a body? At breasts and curves, as an outlet?
Or as someone, while with a different body type, who is going through life and doing the best she can, just like you?
Yes, we all want to be noticed, and yes, we have a desire to be desired. It’s literally human nature.
But there’s a significant difference between being looked at and being seen. Next time you ogle a woman, try to be conscious of what you’re looking at: a human being. If you can see that, then we can make the world a better place for women and ourselves.
Have any feedback? I can be reached at scottmgilman @ gmail.com.
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This post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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