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I met him at a couch surfing event in Greenwich, London. We hit it off straight away. I liked his olive skin and that he was from Portugal. We chatted about music and travel, laughed, and had interesting conversations. We started seeing each other every night and were soon a “thing”.
Every boyfriend before him had hurt me in some way. Called me useless, abused me mentally and physically, put their own insecurities on me.
He was different. I knew he would never hurt me.
I attracted him into my life after writing a letter to my ex (that I never delivered). I wrote this letter to forgive and let go of the anger and resentment I held towards my ex. I wrote I wasn’t useless or a whore or any of the other names he called me. I wrote I didn’t deserve to be hit or treated anything less than amazing. I reminded him and myself I am deserving and worthy and I will not settle for anyone who treats me otherwise.
Two months later I met the Portuguese man.
We’d only been together for three months when I found out I was pregnant whilst hitchhiking through Portugal and Spain. I looked at the pregnancy test saying – “No, No, No” over and over. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was only 22 and wanted to travel the world. Having a baby was not the path I wanted to go down at that time.
He said – “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. I’m sticking with you”.
He did stick with me. He stepped up in his own family when his Father left and helped raise his sister. Now, he was stepping up for me and the baby inside my belly.
He stuck with me through thick and thin. Two children, poverty, three businesses, over 20 countries, and countless ups and downs.
The thing is, we crashed together and stayed together for some of the wrong reasons. Over the years I grew in my business and with my personal development. I am a totally different person now at 31 than my 22-year-old self.
Along the way, he lost himself. He put me and the kids first and lost his own purpose, drive, goals, work, and money. For a strong, powerful woman like myself, his new identity became unattractive.
I begged him to do personal development, to work on himself, to grow together. I ended up nagging him, feeling like his Mum or Coach. I was argumentative, would pick fights with him and push him away. I escaped into my business and lifting weights, instead of working on our relationship. I did what felt good and avoided the uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, over time we grew apart.
This time gave me the perspective to realize we were very different people. We have opposite interests, values, and personalities. However, I pushed this all aside. I justified our relationship and where we were at. I settled, not only with how we were as a couple, but I settled with who I’d become.
There were times I felt like everything was improving. At other times things felt like they were falling apart.
A few weeks ago I ran a business retreat for my clients in Fiji. I was in a beautiful environment, presenting (my zone of genius), in total alignment and so connected within myself and with others.
I realized this is what I’d been missing. Purpose, passion, connection, and alignment.
I had my ideal life thrown right in front of me, smacking me in the face. I had a glimpse of what I could have, what I’d always wanted.
My partner picked me up from the airport after my Fiji trip. I told him that I’d had a lot of realizations in Fiji. I was clear I knew what I wanted and felt like I could truly be myself again. He said – “Do you still want me?”
I sat shocked, thinking “how the hell does he know?”…… I said – “Of course”. I wasn’t prepared to tell him straight away. I was scared I would hurt him, break him, and that he wouldn’t survive.
Over the next few days, I realized I wanted to separate. Within two weeks my whole life had changed. It was thrown upside down.
While there were many tears, I felt happier than I’d felt in years.
I shed 5.5 kgs and 18.5 cm’s off my body – letting go of the weight I’d been carrying around. I fell into my perfect daily routine of eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, using essential oils and music to regulate my emotions. I called in a sisterhood of strong, powerful, spiritual women. I allowed myself to stop being in my masculine all the time and I let my little girl out to play.
I felt free to be me.
I love him enough to let him go.
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Part of me was excited for what was to come. The other part of me was scared of hurting him.
Then he surprised me.
Within a week, he got counseling, signed up for a personal development event, got work, brought money in from multiple sources, was less angry with the kids and created purpose and drive in his life again.
When I let him go, I allowed him to step up on his terms. We had deeper conversations over the last three weeks than we have during our entire relationship. We’ve realized we are better as friends and co-parents than we are as a couple. We were holding each other back. Now, we’ve allowed each other to soar.
I’ve realized through this journey things don’t need to be terrible for you to leave. He didn’t need to hit me, treat me bad or be angry at me. In a way, it’s harder to leave when things are like this.
However, I realized I didn’t want to settle for good enough anymore. I want an extraordinary life in all areas. I will not tolerate or settle for anything less. In relationships, business, wealth, health and most importantly within myself.
While there were many tears, I felt happier than I’d felt in years.
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I’ve allowed myself to let go of what’s not serving me. In doing so, I’ve let the father of my kids’ shine. I will always love him and care for him. I celebrate our nine years together, the memories, the ups and downs and the beautiful children we brought in to this world.
I thank him for all that he’s done for me, and for the person he allowed me to become. He will always hold a special place in my heart.
I love him enough to let him go.
If you feel like you are holding yourself back in any area of your life and are ready to create an extraordinary life then let’s have a chat.
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This is a featured post by site supporter Ellie Burscough.
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Photo: Getty Images