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I will start out by saying that I am a man and can only give you my perspective as a man. Despite being raised by women: seven aunts, two grandmas, and even being a role model for my younger sister, I am still a man, flesh, and blood.
Sexual harassment and sexual violence are as old as the dawn of man. Acts that are degrading, debilitating, and traumatizing.
Nowadays, we see new allegations towards celebrities or those that have spoken out in the “Me Too” movement on the news. More people are coming out more readily and frequently.
However, at times there are allegations that may seem like hearsay at first. Understand that it is very hard to differentiate what really happened unless you were there to witness it. All we can understand is that we know when things go too far. It is usually when someone is coerced or exploited because of a person’s influence over another person, or by forced action. I believe the majority of people can agree this definition is women have told me what deems as inappropriate.
I want you to humor me and think about the idea of flirting, as a continuum. As I have learned from my experience, you cannot know if you can kiss a girl, unless you go for it. A woman may turn her cheek, slightly. Or reply she did not want to kiss you. The kiss may have been too socially pressured, too early in the dynamic, but secretly she still wanted you to.
Is it because women cannot decide what they want? No, not at all.
This kind of thinking is actually what leads to such intolerable acts. No one knows what anyone wants. When we live, we learn. And women have always had a keen sense of awareness when it comes to judging character. I have even heard from very close women in my life that “when a man knows what he is doing he can have his way with me.”
Now, statements like the aforementioned can be, if not a bit, very concerning. Because there are men that do know what they are doing and do have their way with women.
So where is the line?
The difference between the two is respect, not only towards the woman but a man himself. Everyone wants that romantic movie experience, so that is what you must do. Believe you have an audience at all times. Flirting can be as simple as wit, touch, a look. It can then progress into teasing to the point of high arousal states, and ultimately to sex.
I believe it is all about the sub-communication. Women have an innate understanding of any underlying behavior of a person, to see whether they are trustworthy. What women have told me is that they sometimes set a boundary to know whether a man is willing to persist and be patient.
Honestly, we all do this, but I feel as though women can evaluate more accurately, in comparison to men. I believe it is because they have to think of pregnancy and any potential psychological, emotional and physical danger.
All I can say it is that the sexual mating market is real.
I believe we are always measured up to a scale. The different types of intelligence, genetics, resources, skills, personalities, values and beliefs a person may have. Once a person can assess, they decide to keep an open mind for romance. This becomes a dance between the two. Some dance faster or vigorously than others, meanwhile others slower, and more gently, others a combination of all of them.
Dr. Glen Geher and Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman in their book, Mating Intelligence Unleashed: The Role of the Mind in Sex, Dating, and Love, referred to the concept of short-term and long-term mating strategies. Women will choose a partner whether they want to have a fling or a potential relationship. Men are evaluated on different levels. Starting from what setting a person may meet another, to who the person is and what their potential of being a father and lover is. We can meet our potential husband or wife anywhere at any time.
Mating intelligence can be taught, from the subtle communication to the body language and verbal communication, to finally the mindsets you can adopt to become an attractive man or woman. Women are now taking programs to woo men, which coaches like Matthew Hussey teach. Additionally, women have started teaching men dating skills like Kezia Noble, Marni Kinrys, and Michelle Terell to name a few.
So how do we do know? I believe it is by questioning and empathizing.
You must ask how is this a line? Just like the audience in your movie would ask, “is this inappropriate,” Or “can I see it from a perspective that this can also be a form of flirting?”
E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey is a great example. It became one of the world’s best-selling books of all time. The audience discerns whether this expression of sexuality can be seen as appropriate and acceptable. The only way they could know is by reading/watching it. They must understand why people may be into that. But we all must ask the question and then empathize.
From my experience, there is no way always to know whether you are crossing the line. This is an effort that both sexes must take. Everyone is different and what attracts them will be too. And what may work for one, may not for another.
Additionally, you never know what someone has experienced. Maybe kissing on the first date is a boundary. Maybe kissing is fine and the boundary is sex on the first date. You can then gauge where the line is.
Women are the reflection of who we are as men. I believe without them we would not know what it means to be a man.
Perhaps, women can say the same thing to their regards. The women in my life made me the man I am today. Because if it were not for a woman, I would have never known when I have gone too far. I believe the reason why guys ever become attractive men, is because they have put themselves in the hell. This hell of rejection from women can reincarnate you into something pure, or into a demon.
Dating experts, like those mentioned above, state denying a kiss may only mean as a simple, “not right now.” Also, for many other reasons: She doesn’t trust you enough yet, it may be too public for kissing, she does not want to seem “easy.”
Once you attempt to understand a person by who they are, you respect them. You begin to respect what their values and beliefs are, as well as their behaviors. You can then understand why these are boundaries. Which allows you to empathize, without it we are Machiavellians, narcissists, and even psychopaths (The Dark Triad).
Women have developed this acute sense of emotional and social intelligence that they require men to do the same. It will be the only way in which men will understand what is inappropriate behavior.
Women are willing to help us learn, but we must respect their boundaries, consider them as people, but also become the fearless men they want us to be. Someone that in spite of all odds can be there for her, be courageous in the face of rejection and fear, and give her what she needs psychologically, emotionally, and sexually.
That is where the line resides.
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