For these women the decision was not easy or clear, but it was one that needed to be made.
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By Andra Brosh, PhD
In my work with divorce, I have seen many types of marital endings. Sometimes there’s an affair while some endings stem from nothing more than dissatisfaction, falling out of love or a deep unhappiness that far outweighs the challenges of getting divorced. There are no right or wrong reasons for ending a marriage, and marriages are ended as often by women as by men. Both parties struggle differently, but as a culture, we have an easier time comprehending men leaving good women than women leaving good men.
I have been on a bit of a listening tour lately, and in that process, I have heard many, many stories from women who have left their husbands. I have also heard from the men who’ve been left, and their stories are riddled with the same confusion, hurt, loss and fear that any of us might presume we would only hear from a woman who has been left.
This man is kind, loving, loyal, committed and wants to be married. He may have lost sight of his own happiness, over-focused on the children, given up his career to stay home as the caregiver, or dampened his passions in favor of responsibility, but he never thought his partner would leave.
The woman on the other side of this man, the one who has left, expresses guilt, relief, sadness, and fear. She is uncertain about her choice and talks about taking a leap of faith, and trusting that this harder decision of leaving will not be as bad as the deep loneliness she has felt in the marriage. She knows this might not be true, and she often wonders if it was worth it.
Through my interviews, I have found that there are five common reasons women leave, and none of them directly involve an intentional act of harm or infidelity. In all cases, the decision was not easy or clear, but it was one that needed to be made. But these are not the only reasons women leave good men, these are just a few, but overall they are honest, courageous and deserve mentioning.
1. She married too young:
She married her high school or college sweetheart, and after 20 plus years of marriage, she begins to question her own happiness. She starts longing for something different and time missed, and she wonders about something better. After painstakingly making the choice to pursue the next chapter, she leaves hoping she will find what she’s looking for.
2. She’s the breadwinner:
She chose a career that provides for the family and agreed to carry the burden as the provider. Over time, this wears on her, and she comes to resent him for not having to work. He becomes unattractive to her, and she soon realizes that she can do it alone and feel happier. While writing a check to her Ex will feel crazy, the choice to leave and the struggle ahead seem easier than staying.
3. She’s done nurturing:
She fulfilled her need for nurturing with her children, but now they need less or have left the nest. His needs become overwhelming, and she just wants to focus on herself for once. She begins to search for herself and discovers that she is missing a big piece of her soul and that journey to find it is a solo one. She hopes her marriage can tolerate her pilgrimage into herself, but discovers that it’s just not possible so she’s forced to choose between the two.
4. She feels empty:
She has given up parts of herself for the relationship, but the return on investment hasn’t been enough. She is lonely and starving for an emotional connection because the intimacy in the marriage has been neglected for too long. She tries to explain it to him, but he doesn’t see her needs. The pain becomes too great and she has to get out to survive.
5. She gets ignited:
She tries something new or deepens her connection to herself and discovers something exciting and long forgotten. She tries to feel that spark within herself while in the marriage, but the light gets blown out each time she wants to share it. It becomes clear that she will need to make a choice between her own inner fire and the marriage, and ultimately she chooses herself.
A woman has powerful needs to be filled and gifts to be given. Over the course of her life, she becomes more and more attuned to herself, and less focused on the trappings of what it means to be a woman in the broader culture. Every woman ages but not all women grow and evolve as part of that aging process.
For those that do want to learn and explore are strong, and there is very little that can get in the way of that transformation. Her marriage can become one of the obstacles she has to overcome in order to get on the path to wholeness, and what she seeks can become more important than what she’s committed to.
This article originally appeared on Divorced Moms
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Photo credit: Pixabay
She has a Slut of a best friend who she things the sun shines out of . and get sucked he to her world of lies and deceit !
You are spot on there. My wife of 27 years fell for this one from the slut who never got married cause no one wanted her. She broke up the marriage of every one of her friends
Ps hope your Ok
So, we can sum these up:
1) She’s bored and selfish
2) She’s bored and selfish
3) She’s bored and selfish
4) She’s bored and selfish
5) She was bored and is still selfish
Well, that is thoroughly depressing, isn’t it. Women can and do find fulfilment while remaining in their marriage. Both men and women need to discover that they can have it all. A little balance here would be nice.
I want to get married, I have small issues from the past, can someone help me, I want to work hard on my relationship and would appreciate some help here, I like this girl and she invited me over for an event. she stayed by my side, touches me, loves my conpliments but I want to take it to next level and date her, initially she agreed and gave me her number but maybe she wants to take it slow now. I will ofcourse keep meeting her. How should I proceed?
Add a sixth. The woman meets a sociopathic bad-boy type and gets hot for him. She then realizes that the divorce/alimony/child support laws are, for her, a favorable business model and she can continue getting the bills paid even after she dumps the “good” guy.
Does anyone still wonder why marriage is going the way of the pay-phone?
Sometimes I wonder if some truly want to understand and learn- progress and overcome. By the comments I read here, men and women still seem at each other’s throats. Or they get offended by something article said (on a website that is trying to help both genders understand each other).
Basically, all but one of these reasons can be summarized:
She’d bored in the relationship, and wants more inspiration, excitement, and passion in her life.
If a man ever admits these things…yeah, he’s just another a$$h0le. He should “man up”, have some integrity, and stand behind his commitments. Work hard to fix what’s wrong. Make the necessary sacrifices and compromises, and not be so selfish. Somehow figure out the secret of “happy wife, happy life”, etc.
If this doesn’t exemplify the ultimate in double standards, I don’t know what does.
Exactly
The author just speaks of how she left, not what she went through before deciding to leave. Did she communicate throughout these stages? Did he respond? I know I tried for five solid years – I talked, changed, tried this and that, moved cities, jobs, everything. Nothing. He is still exactly the same, so we remain friends (kids), and he ought to make someone a wonderful devoted husband. I went through all these stages (except the first), even found my bad boy – I got duly dumped, but am happier still. Phoenix and all that. Still learning, but no longer… Read more »
Painful stuff to read.
More painful to separate in these circumstances if children are involved.
Seems unfair to the guy but it is good to be aware of reality and stay resilient.
This is exactly what my soon to be be ex-wife has gone through. Some of it my fault. Some of it not. She’s a strong woman and I respect the hell out of her. It has been hard to accept our situation but I do and ultimately just need to take care of myself and let her go.
I’m just starting my journey and it sounds the same as yours. I’m wondering how you are now? 6 years later. I’m really struggling to come to terms.
see, when a guy does this sort of thing he’s “having a midlife crisis” and he’s generally scorned.
But, nah. Women do it and “they’re finding themselves”
Way to be, “Divorced Moms”!
Double standards …….if men do it …..it’s unforgivable……if a woman does it, we need to understand it was his fault.
Why do you then Get married knowing this?
Because we’re naive and want to believe what you say……We don’t want to accept the reality that women are emotionally capable of being much crueler than men…on average.
You don’t. Look at the marriage rates. They are dropping faster than even Isaac Newton could have predicted
I wished I handled it as well as you. I’m still pissed after 4 years