Where to Start with Self-love When You Don’t Even Like Yourself

You look at yourself in the mirror, think “urgh”, and don’t revisit your reflection until the end of the day when you’re getting ready for bed. Even then, it’s just a quick glance.

You repeatedly criticise yourself and put yourself down, focusing on your “bad” bits, failures and disappointments.

You try to mould yourself into the person you think others want you to be because, deep down, you believe that the real you is boring.

You put off opportunities to try new things, telling yourself that you won’t be able to do them.

You hate meeting new people because you worry that you will run out of things to say or be left standing alone.

You put on a front, getting through each day, presenting yourself as happy and confident even though you feel you are not enough.

You set higher expectations for yourself than anyone else and always fall short.

And then you’re told you should love yourself more.

Whilst many of us could do with more self-love, we can’t just switch from disliking (maybe even hating) ourselves to loving all we are.

…

But, if any of the above resonates with you, for your own happiness, please give this self-love stuff a go.

Don’t just jump in with declarations of love for yourself. That will only make you feel worse because you are lying to yourself.

Start small and simple.

Like any blossoming relationship, love and respect grow through care and attention.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

Photo by Roman Kraft on Unsplash

Start with awareness

Awareness that you are being horrible to yourself and if you continue being so nasty, you will end up miserable, lonely and feeling like a fraud.

Your self-esteem will continue to plummet, which could lead to depression and other mental health issues.

Awareness of the words, thoughts and beliefs that keep you down and when they happen.
Awareness that all the time you are trying to fit in by adjusting your behaviours and looks, you will never feel like you belong.
And the awareness that you deserve more love and appreciation, and only you can provide this.

Step it up to acceptance

Accept where you are in life right now.
Accept your lumps, bumps and wobbly bits.
Accept the things you can’t control (others’ opinions) and that you can do something about the things you can control (the opinion you have of yourself).
Accept that you want to feel better about yourself.
And accept that you need to take action. No one else can do it for you, and that’s a good thing. You have the power to change the way you feel about yourself.

Move up to appreciation

That’s as far as you need to go for now. Appreciation of who you are.

You don’t even have to like yourself at this stage. All you have to do is start to notice the odd, good thing about yourself, and there are plenty to choose from.

Your smile, laugh, twinkle in your eyes or flush on your cheeks.
The effort you put into being a great mum, partner, daughter, sister, auntie, niece, friend, or colleague.
How accomplished you are at getting everything done every day.
Your achievements over the years (yes, there are loads).
Your great bum, legs, boobs, arms, skin, hair, or nails. There is something about your body that you don’t mind. Admit it.
Your Beyonce dancing, Nigella cooking, Mrs Hinch cleaning, Sarah Beeny DIY skills, Monty Don gardening, Serena Williams tennis, Paula Radcliffe running ability. There is something that you love doing and are good at. You may not have done it for a while, but it doesn’t mean it no longer applies.

You get the idea — start directing your focus onto your good points.

Monitor your thoughts

The journey to self-love doesn’t involve gigantic jumps forward. It begins with the small, invisible, simple step of monitoring your thoughts.

A belief is simply a repeated thought.

You believe you are not good enough because you keep telling yourself that. This makes you notice things to back up this theory.

Choose repetitive thoughts that shift your belief to “I’m not too bad”, and notice how the world proves to you that this is the case.

From there, you build it up until you have a healthy love and appreciation of yourself and believe in yourself.

Photo by Brandy Kennedy on Unsplash

Take these simple, practical actions to start improving the relationship you have with yourself

When you notice that you are putting yourself down, literally tell yourself to “sshh”. This will interrupt the negative thought pattern.
Smile at yourself in the mirror and look yourself in the eye.
List all your achievements, even the small ones.
Spend 5 minutes a day talking nicely to yourself.
Cut down on the crap you are eating — it makes you feel worse in the long term.
Go for a fast walk. One that gets you breathing deeply.
Give someone or something (pet, tree, pillow, for example) a hug.
Pat yourself on the back when you get something done.
Treat yourself to a coffee, flowers, a book, a massage, or anything that is just for you.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

There are many things you can do to help you on your way to self-love. Such as journalling, meditating, cleaning up your diet, and exercising. But it is difficult to treat yourself well when you don’t like yourself very much, so you need to start small and simple.

When you feel yourself relaxing a bit into self-appreciation, take it up a notch. Have a good look at yourself in the mirror and focus on the bits you like. Write down everything you like about yourself, find a self-love meditation to follow, or throw yourself into a healthy lifestyle.

…

Above all, treat yourself with compassion. You are learning to love yourself. As with any learning, there will be days you feel on top of it, and you can give yourself the seal of approval, and days where you find yourself slipping back into self-dislike.

Keep going. It gets easier as the world starts working with you and presents you with reasons to feel good about yourself.

You deserve love, respect and appreciation; to feel comfortable in your skin and confident enough to be yourself, no matter who you are with or where you are.

Give yourself the opportunity to realise just how wonderful you are. You are lovely.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***