“How many have you been in bed with?”
A question that is likely to be asked at the beginning of any relationship. The answer to this is mostly a lie.
Our sex partners are extremely intimate and the number is actually none of anyone’s business.
But that doesn’t change the fact that everyone would like to know from other people how many sex partners they have already had. Especially with people with whom we are considering starting a relationship, the notorious question about previous sex partners is burning on the tongue.
. . .
Peter and Alice
Alice heard that question for the first time when she was 22. The most delicate of all questions. Peter got to know Alice then and was totally in love with her. They had sex and when they were in bed afterward, he asked her, “How many have you slept with?”
She wasn’t prepared for that and actually didn’t want to tell him. But he emphasized that it was very important to him. So, she named a number. Not the right one, but a slightly smaller one — and he was stunned. He said he didn’t know if he could continue this relationship with her. And that’s how it happened; nothing came of them.
Was it really the question that broke their beginning relationship? I don’t think so. On the contrary. It just made it clear more quickly what was set anyway: that they didn’t go together.
. . .
What’s really going on with that question?
The question about previous sex partners is a very crucial question for every relationship. Therefore one should deal with it as early as possible in whatever way. You learn a lot about the potential relationship candidate, their attitude towards partnership and sexuality, and whether they fit your own. And especially with men, the reaction reveals a lot about their idea of equality and emancipation.
I recently had a talk with a friend of mine. He had just met a girl who asked him the sex partner question. As soon as he gave his answer, he wanted to hear hers. She said 18 — a number less than his and an average mediocre. But he reacted similarly to Peter back then with Alice. He actually told her that he couldn’t cope with it somehow.
He’s obviously a modern, cosmopolitan man. What exactly was his problem? He had slept with more women than men she had slept with. The truth is that
when women have alternating sex partners, they are often still considered sluts, both by men and women.
It may no longer be spoken out in public because men don’t want to be rude, but when it comes to their partner, it comes to the fore the possessive patriarch who would love to marry a virgin. As many women know this, they often give a wrong number — and cheat down, never up.
But some women also have a problem if their new partner had previously an active sex life. They dream of a reliable man who has never had a one-night stand and has waited for the one and only woman in his whole life. And then living out his romantic and by no means instinct-driven sexuality only with her.
Philipp, a friend of mine, had a dissolute sex life for years. He used to hook a different girl at home almost every weekend. When he finally was in a relationship with Melanie, he gave her the cute number three to the sex partner question — because Melanie had a very conservative attitude and he knew that any other answer would lead to a huge scene, if not to a breakup. Nevertheless, they two are no longer together.
If you have to lie in order to save your relationship, you can actually break up straight away!
However, if you have the same idea of how to deal with it, you have a good chance. I learned this from Jane, whom I met when I was 30 and she was 28. On our second date, she made a calculation… If you’re 28, have been single for most of your life, and have an average of one to two sex partners a year, the bottom line is that the number is quite high. Consider that this kind of sex life is not even particularly much active. Jane found it totally wrong that women are often referred to as sluts. I thought Jane was great for that. And I then realized that it was good to talk about this topic early in my relationships.
When things got serious with my last girlfriend, I brought up the matter directly. I told her that I had a sex life before her, but there wasn’t a need to ask me for a specific number. She wouldn’t get an answer.
She was totally relieved. She didn’t want to know and she didn’t want to tell me her stories either. Our shared attitudes brought us closer together and showed us that neither of us was a jealous person and that we didn’t see our partner as a possession. Nor as a second-hand product which we should have checked how worn it was by the previous owner before we bought it. That was life before us and at that moment we had a life together that should remain untouched by our past.
The sex partner question clarifies a fundamental attitude that is crucial for a relationship
This is why the sex partner question is so important. It clarifies a fundamental attitude that is crucial for a relationship. To find it out at an early stage in a relationship, the question should be addressed directly. And then you name a number or discuss the topic differently — and get to know each other pretty well in a very short time.
If you find yourself in the hopeless position that you don’t want to give a number, but the other person insists on hearing one, then you should give one at some point. A really high one. Plus a couple of wild, totally exaggerated sex stories. Or you can come up with a shocking Virgo story. Depending on your taste. Nothing will come of the relationship anyway. But at least you can have a bit of fun.
. . .
Which number of sex partners looks more attractive?
Researchers from the universities of Nottingham, Bristol, and Swansea have investigated, whether the number of previous sexual partners can make a person attractive or unattractive. 188 heterosexual people between the ages of 18 and 35 were interviewed — 84 men and 104 women.
The test subjects were asked how interested they were in a relationship with a person who had previously been in bed with X sex partners. The number of sex partners in the question varied from 0 to 60+. Interest in a relationship should be expressed for both a short-term and a long-term relationship. The survey was conducted anonymously online and distributed via Facebook.
The results
Potential relationship partners should already have sexual experience, but please not too much!
For most of the respondents, the best number for a potential relationship partner was 2 to 3 previous sex partners
If the number of previous sex partners increased, the interest in a relationship quickly decreased significantly. With more than 15 previous sex partners, interest in long-term relationships fell rapidly.
Also, men don’t pay as much attention to how many sex partners a woman has had when they’re just looking for a flirt or an affair. Women, on the other hand, find men who have had more than six sex partners much less attractive. The limit is higher for men because for them the interest in a woman only decreases after eleven previous sex partners. Shortly after an affair, that tolerance level rose to three people.
“Contrary to the notion that male promiscuity is tolerated but female promiscuity is not, both sexes expressed reluctance to engage with someone who had an overly extensive sexual history“, the study’s authors analyze.
The funny thing is that the respondents did not meet their ideal ideas themselves. On average, men had 8.4 previous sex partners and women 5.81.
The truth is that such figures should be viewed with caution. When it comes to sex, people like to answer as they think they are expected to. That is, men exaggerate something, women understate. In addition, most of the people surveyed were around 21 years old. At this age, it stands to reason that the tolerance for previous sex partners is not as high as in later years.
. . .
What the number of sex partners really says
In theory, someone with many sex partners is considered to be more experienced, while someone with a few is inexperienced. But experience alone doesn’t make someone a good partner. Maybe he/she is someone empathetic, imaginative, passionate, but he/she certainly cannot be evaluated by the number of sex partners.
Furthermore, who says that you necessarily learn more at different one-night stands than in a long-term relationship? In fact, the opposite is probably the case. While the brief contact is supposed to be impressive, a couple lives out their fantasies together over a longer period. What good sex really means? Empathy, trust, security. The result is more tantra, i.e. intense, satisfying, lasting, and not a competitive sport.
The big problem with sex statistics is that one quickly thinks: “Everyone has more sex, why do I have so little?”
You compare yourself and ask if everything is right with you. “Is everyone else happier than me?” This uncertainty spreads easily. Suddenly, self-doubt spoils the desire for sex. Or the thought of the loved one’s previous sex partners spoils our pleasure in touching them.
No matter how much curiosity burns, save yourself the question of previous sex partners. Once there is a number in the room, there is a high risk that it will trigger negative thoughts. Sometimes not knowing is better and love adores secrets.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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