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How to engage in the necessary dialogue and self-reflection that can lead to structural change.
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I am white. I write and teach about what it means to be white in a society that proclaims race meaningless, yet remains deeply divided by race. A fundamental but very challenging part of my work is moving white people from an individual understanding of racism—i.e. only some people are racist and those people are bad—to a structural understanding. A structural understanding recognizes racism as a default system that institutionalizes an unequal distribution of resources and power between white people and people of color. This system is historic, taken for granted, deeply embedded, and it works to the benefit of whites.
The two most effective beliefs that prevent us (whites) from seeing racism as a system are:
- that racists are bad people and
- that racism is conscious dislike;
When you understand racism as a system of structured relations into which we are all socialized, you understand that intentions are irrelevant.
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if we are well-intended and do not consciously dislike people of color, we cannot be racist. This is why it is so common for white people to cite their friends and family members as evidence of their lack of racism. However, when you understand racism as a system of structured relations into which we are all socialized, you understand that intentions are irrelevant. And when you understand how socialization works, you understand that much of racial bias is unconscious. Negative messages about people of color circulate all around us. While having friends of color is better than not having them, it doesn’t change the overall system or prevent racism from surfacing in our relationships. The societal default is white superiority and we are fed a steady diet of it 24/7. To not actively seek to interrupt racism is to internalize and accept it.
As part of my work I teach, lead and participate in affinity groups, facilitate workshops, and mentor other whites on recognizing and interrupting racism in our lives. As a facilitator, I am in a position to give white people feedback on how their unintentional racism is manifesting. This has allowed me to repeatedly observe several common patterns of response. The most common by far is outrage:
How dare you suggest that I could have said or done something racist!
Given the dominant conceptualization of racism as individual acts of cruelty, it follows that only terrible people who don’t like people of color can commit it. While this conceptualization is misinformed, it functions beautifully to protect racism by making it impossible to engage in the necessary dialogue and self-reflection that can lead to change.
Outrage is often followed by righteous indignation about the manner in which the feedback was given. I have discovered (as I am sure have countless people of color) that there is apparently an unspoken set of rules for how to give white people feedback on racism.
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The Rules of Engagement
After years of working with my fellow whites, I have found that the only way to give feedback correctly is not to give it at all. Thus, the first rule is cardinal:
1. Do not give me feedback on my racism under any circumstances.
If you break the cardinal rule:
2. Proper tone is crucial – feedback must be given calmly. If there is any emotion in the feedback, the feedback is invalid and does not have to be considered.
3. There must be trust between us. You must trust that I am in no way racist before you can give me feedback on my racism.
4. Our relationship must be issue-free. If there are issues between us, you cannot give me feedback on racism.
5. Feedback must be given immediately, otherwise it will be discounted because it was not given sooner.
6. You must give feedback privately, regardless of whether the incident occurred in front of other people. To give feedback in front of anyone else—even those involved in the situation—is to commit a serious social transgression. The feedback is thus invalid.
7. You must be as indirect as possible. To be direct is to be insensitive and will invalidate the feedback and require repair.
8. As a white person I must feel completely safe during any discussion of race. Giving me any feedback on my racism will cause me to feel unsafe, so you will need to rebuild my trust by never giving me feedback again. Point of clarification: when I say “safe” what I really mean is “comfortable.”
9. Giving me feedback on my racial privilege invalidates the form of oppression that I experience (i.e. classism, sexism, heterosexism). We will then need to focus on how you oppressed me.
10. You must focus on my intentions, which cancel out the impact of my behavior.
11. To suggest my behavior had a racist impact is to have misunderstood me. You will need to allow me to explain until you can acknowledge that it was your misunderstanding.
These rules are rooted in white fragility.
♦◊♦
Their contradictions are irrelevant; their function is to obscure racism and protect white dominance and they do so very effectively. Yet from an understanding of racism as a system of unequal institutional power, we need to ask ourselves where these rules come from and who they serve.
White fragility works to punish the person giving feedback and essentially bully them back into silence.
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Many of us actively working to interrupt racism continually hear complaints about the “gotcha” culture of white anti-racism. There is a stereotype that we are looking for every incident we can find so we can spring out, point our fingers, and shout, “You’re a racist!” While certainly there are white people who arrogantly set themselves apart from other whites by acting in this way, in my experience over 20 years this is not the norm. It is far more common for sincere white people to agonize over when and how to give feedback to a fellow white person, given the ubiquitousness of white fragility. White fragility works to punish the person giving feedback and essentially bully them back into silence. It also maintains white solidarity—the tacit agreement that we will protect white privilege and not hold each other accountable for our racism. When the person giving the feedback is a person of color, the charge is “playing the race card” and the consequences of white fragility are much more penalizing.
Racism is the norm rather than an aberration. Feedback is key to our ability to recognize and repair our inevitable and often unaware collusion.
In recognition of this, I follow these guidelines:
- How, where, and when you give me feedback is irrelevant – it is the feedback I want and need. Understanding that it is hard to give, I will take it any way I can get it. From my position of social, cultural, and institutional white power and privilege, I am perfectly safe and I can handle it. If I cannot handle it, it’s on me to build my racial stamina.
- Thank you.
The above guidelines rest on the understanding that there is no face to save and the jig is up; I know that I have blind spots and unconscious investments in white superiority. My investments are reinforced every day in mainstream society. I did not set this system up but it does unfairly benefit me and I am responsible for interrupting it. I need to work hard to recognize it myself, but I can’t do it alone. This understanding leads me to gratitude when others help me.
In my workshops, I often ask the people of color,
“How often have you given white people feedback on our unaware yet inevitable racism and had that go well for you?”
Eye-rolling, head-shaking, and outright laughter follow, along with the general consensus of never. I then ask,
“What would it be like if you could simply give us feedback, have us graciously receive it, reflect, and work to change the behavior?”
Recently a man of color sighed and said,
“It would be revolutionary.”
I ask my fellow whites to consider the profundity of that response. Revolutionary that we would receive, reflect, and work to change the behavior. On the one hand, it points to how difficult and fragile we are. But on the other hand, how simple taking responsibility for our racism can be.
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“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.
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Read more Of Dr. DiAngelo’s insights into racism.
White Fragility and the Question of Trust
White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard to Talk to White People About Racism
White Women’s Tears and the Men Who Love Them
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Photo Credit: iStock
OMG! Thank you for this article and thank you for the decades of courage, persistence, and dedication you’ve focused on dismantling structural racism! It is such a complicated, touchy, emotional, and highly charged issue, but that’s because it’s so important! We will only overcome it by openly addressing it, though, and the efforts of people like you are invaluable resources in finally being able to do that. I’d like to take one of your workshops and hopefully receive training to be able to conduct them myself. Do you have any plans of coming to the SF Bay Area at any… Read more »
I’ve been working on learning and understanding racism. I am a middle aged white Jewish woman. My experience on fb when I make, what I consider, a genuine inquiry I get yelled out, told of my privilege, slammed for my perceived blindness To my privilege, etc. what I don’t get is how to engage in any meaningful conversation. No matter what, I am wrong and it seems that the only way to move forward is to acquiesce, be wrong, and ask for forgiveness. So we’re clear, I can handle being yelled at and not “being liked” (which I was accused… Read more »
Many people and groups of people, especially in the age of internet, experience all kinds of harassment and gaslighting from the opposition. “Innocently” asking questions (i.e “why don’t we have men’s day/ why is white pride bad but black pride good”) and then victimizing oneself when people react negatively is a widespread trolling technique. For that reason, many people who are active don’t have the energy or patience to discern a well-meaning comment from an attempt at harassment. If you’ve involved yourself in feminism, I’m sure you’ve experienced exhausting, fruitless debates with people who opposed the idea. It’s emotionally draining… Read more »
What if there’s more going on than meets the proverbial eye? I’m thinking of “the meta game” that the radical psychiatrist, R.D.Laing, spoke about. The meta game in the context of “white” folks’ defensiveness. The bigger picture that ALL who want to be allowed ANY foothold in the mainstream (or “serious” media) HAVE TO “play” or be punished (i.e. censured, marginalized, silenced). Yes, we “white” folks have difficulties with The Other (and ANY/all differences). We have been and continue to be taught to silence our individualities and Go Along With The Program (and all whom would join us in our… Read more »
If you are a black person seeking guidance on how to present your case against structural racism or help your community, or a white person seeking to identify areas where you can actually help minorities: Look up William Julius Wilson or some other articulate scientist (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyY-HPCb80E). None of this is based on scientific method and is purely anecdotal. It is full of dangerous Marxist traits that have greatly hurt the country I come from. We are years behind the U.S. because of people like her and experience much more poverty. Never let people create a class system around you where… Read more »
I think you’ve made something very complicated that doesn’t need to be. Your article was very pretensious and condescending. Too bad all your education didn’t come with any ‘common sense’. I’m tired of being talked down to told what a horrible person I am. This page, while has in the past communicated very worthwhile subjects, has become irrelevant and part of the problem. I will no longer be following. I know you will say this just proves your point – but you will be wrong. More than you will ever know….
wow..and this person clearly missed the whole point of the article. You say the author made a mountain out of a mole hill,yet this very writing gave me clarity of thought, as this past week i had 2 encounters,in span of days and it transpired just as this writer articulated it. I wasnt sure if i was the one who was on the wrong and i was subdued to quitness in one conversation while in the other, a passiveness or lack of committment to the subject matter being discussed led to a change of topic! Especially as these friends of… Read more »
So, shame on whites for being white?
Rick, that’s pretty much it. 🙁
DO you know that you (as a white women who no doubt is from a privileged background) pretty much are speaking for yourself and ignoring the lived experience of a vast number of white people who have been threatened and attacked by being screamed at, pushed around or have their cars damaged in the name of “not feeling comfortable”. If you damage the interpersonal relationship by treating me like an inferior being then you cannot assume the moral high ground.
Congratulations … that’s a lovely variation of Rule #9
♥
That was in reference to Nellwebbish’s comment: “Congratulations … that’s a lovely variation of Rule #9,” by the way.
So disappointing to see the lack of conceptual thinking processes in regards to the complexity of systemic racism. Its like most of you were trying to give ideal examples of points the piece made; although it appears you were not and were, instead, speaking from your own thoughts/experiences. Sad.
Robin, I think your heart is in the right place, but ultimately, your approach to this situation only serves to widen the gap between races by coming off as accusatory and patronizing. It even has “preemptive clauses” built into it so you can quickly and easily label people who disagree with you. Here are the key problems with what you’re trying to push, here: 1. People are ALWAYS going to refer first to their own life experiences before considering the “bigger picture”. Yes, white privilege is real (more on that subject later), but when you tell a white homeless man… Read more »
“These rich, powerful white people are just as oppressive toward the vast majority of white people as they are toward any non-white person. In fact, unless your net worth is over a billion dollars, they probably don’t even see you as relevant, no matter your skin color. Of course, they have many white people convinced that they’re not, and getting these white people to see this fact is the real challenge.” I suggest that you read Robin’s article ” My Class Didn’t Trump My Race: Using Oppression to Face Privilege” about how SHE became aware of HER racial privilege as… Read more »
Do not engage. This is a no-win scenario.
“There is a stereotype that we are looking for every incident we can find so we can spring out, point our fingers, and shout, “You’re a racist!” – ”
Mmm. If your income depends on your teaching of the awareness of it, then to maintain your standard of life, you’re sure as heck going to be attuned to finding it pretty much everywhere, I would venture.
Oh Lord, some of these comments… They make me sad.
And they prove the author’s point beautifully. (Or should I say, in quite an ugly, defensive, insular way, actually.)
We have so far to go…
Thanks for doing the work you do, Dr. DiAngelo. I know it’s not easy. People with massive blind spots who are blind to the fact of their blind spots can be pretty tough to crack.
I agree with this article and have said similar things myself. I disagree slightly with the solution that white fragility theory endorses. I think it’s a rather blunt and unsophisticated solution that has some merit but there are easier cognitive change solutions I’d like to propose. 1) Adoption of language and phrasing principles as researched and articulated by the Kaleel Jamison Consulting Group. They’ve been studying race interactions and language in the workplace for over a decade and have well tested practices and phrases that circumvent and minimize the difficulties caused by white fragility. Here’s a good video link to… Read more »
Here’s a cute story that might help explain what I’m saying. I have a techie friend whose employer was experiencing an extremely complex issue at a remote location. They send my friend out to fix it. He fixed it and as he’s wrapping up, he makes a comment along the lines of it was complicated. That’s why they sent their second best tech. She asks why didn’t they send their best. He pauses and then says oh he doesn’t travel. He’s blind. She appreciated my friends skill level and was amazed that a blind person could be better than him… Read more »
1. Do not give me feedback… under any circumstances. Give feedback if you find my behavior insulting to you personally. Perhaps give feedback if you think my behavior matches some broad social ill, though be prepared (like usual) for that to be poorly received. People of any color generally dislike being corrected. on my racism If you choose to initially categorize my behavior as “racist,” then you are surely aware that the term it includes behavior of the most horrible sort. Unless you’re actually talking about horrific behavior, you may want to reconsider that particular term. Or, you may want… Read more »
This is either brilliant sarcasm or someone who completely failed to get the message.
I’m guessing it’s the latter.
I think it’s someone raising some very relevant points, actually. The irony of Robin’s position seems to be that she (and others) assume that every single person of color wants the same thing: to be on EVEN footing with white people. While in a perfect world, that’s what they SHOULD want, this isn’t a perfect world. There are people of color out there who are willing to abuse the hell out of this perception for personal gain. I thought he/she made it pretty clear when they said: “More to the point it is a common tactic to gain advantage and… Read more »
Feel free to answer or not:
Why do interactions like these have to be done on your terms? For example, you note that “public chastisement raises the stakes.” If I’m calling you on your behavior in public, why should I have to address you in private?
Why am I required to allow your explanation for racist and (more importantly) accept it?
It’s the height of white fragility to have to control the terms of the interaction. Dude, just say sorry and that you’ll try not to do it again. Be humble.
With all due respect, intentions do matter at some level. Individual action does matter on some level as well, obviously. Obviously there has to be some role for individual racism to play, otherwise there’s no reason to call out individuals for their racism! If intentions are irrelevant, then that means there’s no difference between using racist language intentionally or unintentionally, it’s all the same. Structural racism cannot be the only explanation or only focus. Focusing too much on the institutionalized part of racism eventually leads to a dead end: if the focus is just on structural racism, then any white… Read more »
wellokaythen, I think you’ve made a lot of very compelling points there, especially with regards to structural v.s. individual intent & culpability- Thanks.
I agree in full that intentions matter. I’ll go further and state that barring some specific outlier scenarios, intentions are of the highest importance. There is a dumb viral meme in social justice quarters that professes: “intent is not magic”. The meme is an outgrowth of the over emphasis on “structures” in the social justice spheres. The belief (wrongheaded) is that structures are planned and architected, and then impinge themselves on the psyche of individuals – Blank Slate nonsense.
And fun fact: the white (sclera) of the eye for humans is understood as being an evolutionary adaptation that contrasts with the color of the pupil. It is an unusual combination and one theory with decent mustard is that the contrast between the eye and the pupil is so that others can better gauge your intent! (shows direction of visual focus)
Race In the United states is multi faceted. The Black Power of the 60’s was as much internal as external. It also has to do with class and skin color and behavior. It is not simple. Perceptions have a lot to do with how people feel about minorities even allied ones. John Anderson has it right. I myself do not believe in “White Privileged”. From where I sit I myself see it as a term of frustration due to social environmental factors, Peer grouping in one. Many times the minority is relegated to lesser status. Much has to do with… Read more »
We should be careful not to include, or is it exclude???…folks like Rachel Dolezal. Though not certain, I’m guessing she would identify as trans-fragile.
#Wrongskin is trending strongly on the internet oracle we call Twitter.
I would say she’s cis-white trans-black, forced by a narrow-minded racist society into hiding her past for fear of being outed. (Mail fraud and outright lying are illegal and unethical, of course. But, is the outrage really over those things or the fact that she’s “posing” as black?) Seems like a double standard at work this week – Caitlyn Jenner is not a fraud for being trans in one category, but Rachel Dolezal is a fraud for being trans in another category. If Jenner’s father called Caitlyn male then we would say his dad was being narrow-minded. So, why is… Read more »
Personally, I feel her intent makes the difference. If what has been written so far is accurate, it appears she employed highly calculating deception tactics to “pass” as a person of color. It has also been written (The Smoking Gun), that she sued her Uni for discriminating against her, for being a white woman, in 2003. I think it is possible to have false beliefs that are genuine, absent of calculating deceptive tactics. There are some parallels to the Jenner story, but they are highly contrived. I have always accepted the theory of “brain sex”, and body mismatch, so I’m… Read more »
Except claiming the existenceof brain sex is just like stating people of differenrent races ahve different brains, it’s purely oppressive and supremacist belief.
I think most Americans (whites) tend to show empathy for gays and transgenders. But, when it comes to the struggle of African Americans it is extremely difficult for them to relate and empathize. Notice how many whites are using confederate flags as their avatar on social media sites since the Charleston murders. There’s definitely a sensitivity chip missing in many white Americans.
Thanks, Dr. DiAngelo for this insightful article. As a white person I need to educate myself about my own racism and work to undo it and this article really helped me see how I can resist correction when I say or do something racist. I am just beginning to understand the scope of my racist upbringing in all white neighborhoods, schools and my whole town. Media did not help and made me fear people of color. I know it is a journey to undo racism and that I will make mistakes but your article reminds me to take any corrections… Read more »
There is nothing white about any of those reactions – anyone being challenged on their behaviour has a good chance of reacting that way. For some reason though you’re desperate to peddle this concept of yours.
“Giving me feedback on my racial privilege invalidates the form of oppression that I experience…” I used to know someone who hated a person in a high professional position, even more I suspect because the guy was black and he was Caucasian….he used to go on and on about him…and he was always vague about why he hated him…. Later, when I earned entrance into hard school, this same person got more and more angry in outlook…I couldn’t figure out what fly was buzzing up his butt….in retrospect, I realized it was me….by getting into grad school (the one that… Read more »
“hard” school should be “grad” school!
I’ve worked in the corporate world and the not for profit sector. I’ve done consulting work for smaller companies. I’ve seen a lot of nasty sh*t happen because people are concerned about their status within the company / department. I’ve seen bosses not develop their people because they didn’t want a threat (the company to have an option) to their position. I’ve seen back stabbing and freeze outs. At one job, most of the VPs were white and almost all (except 1) is a woman. A VP who was always decent to me asked what rumors where floating around about… Read more »
I have a black friend and former employee (I was his supervisor) who thought of me as a mentor although I never really considered myself that. He came to me with a problem. He was doing consulting work for a company and got hired full time. About 6 months in he found out that the white consultant who worked there a couple weeks before him was given $1,000 or so more in salary when he was brought on and he asked me what he should do. I told him to bring it up to your boss and if he doesn’t… Read more »
Obviously racism was a very possible explanation for the pay difference. However, there are many kinds of pay discrimination out there besides racism. People are paid different salaries because of gender, attractiveness, marital status, whether they have kids or not, height/weight, etc. If the two consultants were the same in every category except race, then you could narrow it all down to race.
@ Steve That’s true and that’s why I think the way he handled it benefited him. I also wouldn’t be surprised if the opportunities her received weren’t initially his manager trying to prove himself right and expecting my friend to fail. I believe though that whatever his initial intentions were, he eventually saw the potential I saw in my friend when we hired him come to fruition. In my old neighborhood, there were the racists. There were the people who embraced us, but most were don’t bother me and I won’t bother you types. Some “racists” changed their minds after… Read more »
lol! “I have a black friend”
I’m half white / half Asian. I grew up in a white neighborhood in the 70s in the most segregated city in the U.S. I can tell you that you’re wrong. There are few systems of oppression when it comes to race. There are individuals sometimes racist and sometimes with the best intentions who’s individual acts make it appear as if there is a system. We faced racism in our neighborhood for many years, but eventually integrated. The biggest reason was that we didn’t include the white people who weren’t racist with the people who were. We worked hard and… Read more »
I’m not sure how the theory works in cases of mixed heritage. If a person is “half-white,” then presumably that person is only “half fragile.” Presumably the nonwhite part of a person should call out the white part of a person for the white part’s racism, and the white half of the person must listen with an open half-mind.
In that case, I’m not sure what the adjective is for the part that’s “not fragile.”
Durable?
Sturdy?
Robust?
Indomitable?
Perhaps Dr. DiAngelo can explain the terms further.
Well stated
Hi, I AM BLACK and what Dr Di Angelo writes is REVOLUTIONNARY to me! I was born and raised in France and had what Whites would call a “successful life” because I am an International Engineer. I have read the first comment of an half-white/half-asian and then another comment starting with “I have a Black friend”….I’ll be honest, I just feel like Dr Di Angelo is RIGHT just by seeing those reactions. She is trying to explain to you that you need to listen to Black people and your first reaction is TO SPEAK instead of listening…. and TO DENY… Read more »
#Truth
Individual acts of oppression that are numerous and often have far reaching affect are exactly what constitute a system, defined as a regularly interacting or interdependent group of items forming a unified whole. Basically, the cumulative sum of individual acts (a group of acts) and the far reaching affect (the unified whole).
Check out Di Angelo’s other article: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/white-fragility-why-its-so-hard-to-talk-to-white-people-about-racism-twlm/ (link also in article). Included under “The following are examples of the kinds of challenges that trigger racial stress for white people” is “Suggesting that group membership is significant (challenge to individualism).” She’s onto something.
Wow! it’s sad how you still don’t get it. You are the type of person the author is talking about.
@JAnderson: you’re right about individual actions having systemic effects–and that’s exactly what the author is talking about. Systems have emergent behavior (i.e. system behavior) just as ant colonies behave in ways similar to larger, more intelligent organisms (reproduces itself, forages for food, defends itself) without being controlled by a central mind. It’s not “hive mind” either in the sense that it’s not interconnected minds. It’s literally the system behaviour. Structural racism is this way: you actually have to attack both the systems put in place to propagate/protect system behaviour as well as try to rewrite individual behaviour in order to… Read more »