The views expressed in this essay are those solely of the author and not necessarily of The Good Men Project or its editorial staff.
My favorite view is the minority view.
But with this past election and in the weeks since, my usual minority view has become the majority view: the majority is now as frustrated with itself as I always have been.
I am the Devil’s advocate though, so I must continue to disagree. I must now argue against my beloved minority view.
Let’s start with women.
We are our worst enemy. We hold each other to standards we dare not impose on men.
Brad looks hot next to an actress half his age, but if Angelina were to do the same, we would point out that she’s looking kind of old, while the men would jerk off to her posters just the same. Yes, I said jerk off — just pretend I’m a man, ladies, it will sound okay then.
If you’re wondering why Clinton lost blue Michigan, it wasn’t black Detroit that killed her there. It was because we refuse to lift another woman high enough for her to crush our excuse for being overpowered. It is pretty nice being able to say, “It’s because I’m a woman.”
“But Clinton has so many scandals! The emails! The emails! And we heard something happened in Benghazi.”
Something did happen in Benghazi, and there are 800 pages that tell you exactly what happened and exactly why your Secretary of State was cleared of all charges brought against her by–wait for it–the opposing party. But yes, that’s a lot of reading.
Outrage is way easier.
And the emails! For starters, you should log off Facebook on your work computer when you get a chance. After all, it’s important to keep personal and professional lives separately.
But before you do that, google me up a president who didn’t finagle with communications one way or another.
Bush “lost” 22 million emails. Remember that? No? That’s because no one cared. He didn’t have to be perfect.
Anyone who is furious about either one of those “scandals” is guilty of holding women to a different standard than men. Any one of those “anyones” who is a woman is also guilty of…something that is beyond my comprehension.
To women who voted for Trump, I say this: You lost your right to blame men for our dumpy place in this world.
Next, the immigrants
We are a divided bunch. Twice divided.
First, we are divided by generation. The old vs. the young. The ones who moved here as adults vs. the ones who grew up here. The ones who either cannot or will not assimilate vs. the ones who cannot help but assimilating.
This inability or refusal to assimilate makes it impossible for the former to understand the country they live in. All they know is that they do not want a government like the one they fled. But they do not know enough about this government to figure out how that translates into American politics. They have learned not to trust governments, so as long as it is “less government,” it must be good.
And the fact that Republicans are “more traditional” and don’t want an African-American man or a woman, or (God forbid) a Jew, in the Oval Office is certainly a perk.
So in their stubborn ignorance, they buy into the propaganda they immigrated to avoid, and vote for the people who will take them right back to where they came from. And I don’t mean just through deportation. I mean they vote for a man who will steer this country towards the very regime they managed to escape in hopes of giving their children a better future.
But hey, at least a woman remains where tradition demands it—behind her cheating husband.
The second divide is between the young.
Some of us were “good children” and listened to our parents. Some of us were “disappointments.”
The “good children” grew up to become what I would call cultural conservatives. There isn’t a mean bone in their bodies. They are the good children! Their Trump vote wasn’t fueled by hate, but rather by a deeply ingrained inability to deviate from how they were raised.
So they vote as they’ve been taught by the parents they will never question enough.
The “disappointments” is the category I fall into (so a bias is not out of the question, but I’ll do my best). We are the “white washed” fobs, which means fresh off the boat. We marry outside our culture, do not teach our children our mother tongue, and we know more about American history, literature, music, culture, and even language than most “white people.” We were thrilled to cast our vote for the black man, the woman, and the Jew. But we are in the minority of the minority, so not part of this rant.
To the other ¾ of immigrants, I say this:You left a country you claim to love to put down roots in a country you will not fully embrace only to turn the latter into the former? Are you shitting me?!
African-Americans, you’re up next
Orange is the new black, baby! And that orange man is about to let the Republican legislative and judicial branches turn Dr. King’s dream into a damn nightmare.
Did you try stopping him? Did you come out to vote for the white woman in same numbers this year as you did for a black man in 2008 and 2012? No? How about your congressional representatives? Do you make sure your voice is heard up on that Capitol Hill every two years?
The hypocrisy of the black vote being contingent on the candidate’s “race” is deafening. But I suppose “See, we always knew white people were racist” lends itself better to witty memes than “See, enough white people are not racist for President Obama to serve two terms.”
Hey, at least you’re not as insane as us girls. At least you made a collective effort to get your brother into that White House.
We sure as hell won’t do that for our sister.
You too rather sit it out and then bitch about the outcome? In the primaries, I voted for that adorable socialist who attracts cute little birds to his podium. I even had the Bernie overlay on Facebook. But now I hold you and him accountable for orange being the new black!
You could have voted for her. He could have encouraged you to vote for her. But you pouted like babies instead.
You are as progressive as hipsters are bohemian. You get all excited about it, get your fedoras and everything, but then forget what it was that made you feel that excitement in the first place. In the end, all that’s left of you is a memory of a fad.
If the common wealth of our commonwealth mattered to you as much as you claimed, if human rights, social equality, environment, love and peace and everything in between was indeed your mission, you would not have sat out this election.
To Bernie Bros, I say this: Aaaaaaah!!!!
I can’t get myself to go off on you. Love you. Feel for you. Scared shitless for you at the moment. Might need to resurrect my rainbow overlay on Facebook.
But you are a minority in the minority. So like that ¼ of immigrants, you don’t yet qualify for this minority view of the minority view. Wait a generation though. Wait until your life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness are acknowledged. Perhaps you too will find a group to shit on then. Perhaps you too will fail to accept the next round of hopefuls into “We the People of the United States.”
To LGBTQQIP2SAA (I had to google that), I say this: I wholeheartedly hope this cycle of hate ends with you. And I hope it ends soon.
Also, I must say, it’s time to come up with an acronym for your acronym.
I am going to skip you because you always get skipped. You are the minority that no one likes to talk about because you make all of us look bad. I mean, we have tried our best to turn you into a normal, unhappy minority, but neither nuclear bombs (two of them!) nor internment camps did the trick. So we like to pretend you don’t exist.
And yes, the bombs and the camps were both aimed at the Japanese, but the only time the majority of us can tell Asian cultures apart is when it comes to Chinese and Thai food. So again, it’s just embarrassing for us, and we therefore rather skip over you.
To Asian Americans, I say this: Who did you vote for? No one ever includes you in those stats. And how do they come up with them anyways? Ballots have NO identifying marks. If you voted for Trump though, then I say to you what I said to the immigrants.
Muslims, Jews, and Latinos, I am not forgetting you. I just see you as immigrants, same as me.
Native Americans, hang in there a while longer. Perhaps we’ll destroy ourselves thoroughly enough to restore your land back to nature. If fracking won’t do the trick, maybe this pipeline will. Can’t imagine we’ll last long without water. But neither will your casinos.
Millennials, don’t go and get all offended now. I didn’t forget you. You are just not a minority. In fact, you are our next major hope. But if you want to feel included, you can throw yourselves into the Bernie Bros mix.
Whoever I am forgetting, please don’t take it the wrong way. None of us are beyond fault! Myself included. But there is a word limit on these things.
To everyone, I say this: The white man has been a giant dick all throughout history. He has taken advantage of everyone and everything he could. Because he could. Because we let him. So when Trump goes to grab some pussy up at Camp David for a week or fifty two, and lets Congress and the Supreme Court destroy that “more perfect Union,” we should blame ourselves as much as we will gladly blame him.
Read more of Maria Click here on The Good Men Project!
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