By
“RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS”
In my just-finished novel, the 14th Dalai Lama — who is 87, very much alive, and will, I hope, live for decades — dies and is reincarnated in Billy DeVito, an American boy who lives in Merrick, a suburb of New York City. Billy struggles with two questions. Why me? What now? He learns by doing, and when he’s 17, he hosts a town hall. One question and response:
“How do you explain random acts of kindness?”
“How do we know they’re random?”
I was reminded of this exchange when I read a New York Times article, The Unexpected Power of Random Acts of Kindness. The subhead — “Researchers found that people who perform a random act of kindness tend to underestimate how much the recipient will appreciate it. And they believe that miscalculation could hold many of us back from doing nice things for others more often” — suggests the focus. It’s mostly about the recipient:
The people doing the kind thing consistently underestimated how much it was actually appreciated, said one of the study’s authors, Amit Kumar, an assistant professor of marketing and psychology at the University of Texas, Austin.
“We believe these miscalibrated expectations matter for behavior,” he said. “Not knowing one’s positive impact can stand in the way of people engaging in these sorts of acts of kindness in daily life.”
The article makes a second point, the benefits to the person who commits the act of kindness:
The notion that kindness can boost well-being is hardly new. Studies have shown that prosocial behavior — basically, voluntarily helping others — can help lower people’s daily stress levels, and that simple acts of connection, like texting a friend, mean more than many of us realize.
One big barrier: we’re reluctant to act, we miss so many opportunities:
Stress can also keep people from being kind to others, she said, as can the “little judgy voice” in people’s heads that causes them to question whether their gesture or gift will be misinterpreted, or whether it will make the recipient feel pressured to pay it back.
It’s a dull, dry piece. It comes thrillingly alive in the Reader Comments. Prepare to mist up:
As a child I lived in absolute poverty with an abusive parent. I had a music teacher who one day stopped while walking down the hall and simply said “Are you okay?”, i broke down. He took me to his office, fed me his lunch and allowed me the space to pull myself together. He told me “You are in a bad spot, but it doesn’t have to be your life.” That small gesture gave me the hope to believe in myself and allowed me to start considering a future where the cycle of abuse and poverty don’t exist. 30 years later, he was right and the cycles were broken. That small moment changed my life, my partner’s life, and my children’s life. Thanks Mr. Z, you’ll never know how much it meant.
When I was about 10 and my brother 8, we were out playing on a snowy day and stopped at a local diner. We were able to scrape together enough change to sit at the counter and order a cup of hot chocolate to share. Guess we looked adorably cute because a man in the diner went up to the counterman and paid for another cup so we could each have one. 55 years later, I’ve never forgotten that small act of kindness and I try to remember to pass it on whenever I can.
In 1959 – when I was eight years old and living in the Bronx with my single mother and younger sister – my mother was preparing to marry a man she’d met – who would become my step-father – I walked into our local little drugstore and found a bottle of cheap “toilet water” – and asked the owner – named “Hy” – how much it cost – Hy looked at me somewhat perplexed and asked – “Howie – what do you want with a bottle of women’s toilet water ?” — “Because my mother is getting married and I want to buy her a wedding present” – I answered – Hy told me the bottle cost 98¢ — I pulled out my pocket full of change and said – “All I have is 87¢” — Hy said – “Give me the 87¢ and you can have the bottle – and let me wrap it up for you” — When I gave the bottle to my mother for her wedding present – she began to cry – and she kept the bottle in her drawer for a very long time – I remember HY – and now – when I’m at the cashier – and the person next to me is a few cents short – I make up the difference
The poet Rumi: “Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone’s soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.”
If we have not reached Peak Shitshow in this country, we’re close. Kindness now stands out more. You want to see a stranger cry? Do something unexpectedly nice. It may require a conscious decision the first few times. Then, maybe, it becomes a habit. And, one person at a time, you make a difference. Query: What if many of us started doing this?
HELL HATH NO FURY
A Pennsylvania man who stormed the Capitol on January 6 was turned in by an ex-girlfriend after he called her a “moron” for not believing the presidential election was stolen. He has just been sentenced to nine months in prison.
THE WEEKEND MOVIE: “THE BIG SHORT”
Anxiety is again a persistent undercurrent in the financial markets, with writers and analysts wondering if we’re once again poised for a dramatic downturn in the markets. The last time this happened? Watch “The Big Short.” The trailer will grab you. [To stream the movie on Amazon Prime, click here.]
STERLING LORD: A PERSONAL MEMORY
Sterling Lord, a legendary literary agent, died this week at 102. The Times obit gives you a sense of his manners and style. His wife was my agent for a few years, but we only spoke once. The reason was a piece I’d written for the New York Times Book review in September, 1980. The book was about Alaska. The author was Joe McGinniss, the mega-successful author of “The Selling of the President, 1968.” I needed to interview him. On the phone? No, McGinniss said, bring your wife and spend the night at our home in Western Massachusetts. That sounded pleasant. Off we went. The interview was brisk, his wife created a lovely dinner, and an excellent wine made it possible for McGinnis to propose a wife swap and for me to deflect it without much of a scene. The day after the piece was published, I got a call from Sterling Lord, who was his agent. “Joe is upset,” Sterling said. “I don’t like to see bad feelings between writers I like and respect — please call him.” I did. “I’m on my way to the airport,” McGinniss said. I asked if I could call him at another time. “I’ll always be on my way to the airport when you call,” he said. I reported back to Sterling, leaving out the story about the wife swap, which I believed agitated McGinniss more than anything in my generally vanilla story. Sterling sighed. A long sign, followed by a silence that I interpreted as a recognition that his client was an asshole — a sentiment he was too much of a gent to share, or even suggest.
THE WEEKEND RECIPE: CHARCOAL MARINATED CHICKEN BREASTS
from Lee Bailey
Serves 6
6 boneless chicken breast halves (or 3 whole breasts, boned and halved)
3 medium garlic cloves, crushed
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
3 tablespoons grainy mustard
1/4 cup cider vinegar
Juice of 1 lime
Juice of 1/2 large lemon
6 tablespoons olive oil
Black pepper, to taste
Endive leaves (for garnish)
Watercress (for garnish)
Put the chicken breasts in a nonreactive baking dish (glass or ceramic is ideal).
In a medium bowl, mix the garlic, salt, sugar, mustard, vinegar, and lime and lemon juices. Blend well. Whisk in the olive oil, forming an emulsion, and add the pepper. Pour the marinade over the chicken, and refrigerate overnight or for at least 2 hours. Turn it once.
Remove from the refrigerator, and allow to come to room temperature before grilling.
Preheat a gas or charcoal grill. When ready, grill chicken breasts for about 4 minutes per side (longer if you are using chicken with the bone in), or until done. (Check for doneness by pressing on chicken with tongs. The firmer the chicken, the more well done it is.) Do not overcook, as it will toughen them. Note: The chicken also may be cooked under the broiler for the same amount of time.
Garnish with endive and watercress, and serve hot or at room temperature.
—
This post was previously published on headbutler.com.
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com