Lincoln Anthony Blades explains that being educated is great, but we really need to stop rigidly equating education with intelligence and motivation.
I was having a conversation with some of my homegirls this weekend, and they brought up an observation that I found very interesting: They believe most men don’t really care about how educated a woman is when they’re choosing to date her. I found it interesting because most of these women have advanced degrees and a fair amount of experience on the dating scene, so to hear them unequivocally state that education is unimportant to most men they interact with had me extremely confused. But after really sitting down and listening to their issues, it became clear that what they were saying is simply a half-truth that didn’t reflect the full picture of how most men view dating an educated woman.
First, before delving into this topic too deeply, it should be duly noted that men oftentimes value education in their woman, as much as they value it for themselves, meaning higher-educated men tend to go for higher-educated women, and less-educated men tend to date less-educated women. But what both groups of men tend to have in common is that most guys won’t value education as a primary asset over interpersonal skills. To put it bluntly, most men would prefer to have a woman who’s a perfect partner for him, which makes her education (and even career) appear as benefits, instead of absolute necessities.
I was having a conversation with some of my homegirls this weekend, and they brought up an observation that I found very interesting: They believe most men don’t really care about how educated a woman is when they’re choosing to date her. I found it interesting because most of these women have advanced degrees and a fair amount of experience on the dating scene, so to hear them unequivocally state that education is unimportant to most men they interact with had me extremely confused. But after really sitting down and listening to their issues, it became clear that what they were saying is simply a half-truth that didn’t reflect the full picture of how most men view dating an educated woman.
First, before delving into this topic too deeply, it should be duly noted that men oftentimes value education in their woman, as much as they value it for themselves, meaning higher-educated men tend to go for higher-educated women, and less-educated men tend to date less-educated women. But what both groups of men tend to have in common is that most guys won’t value education as a primary asset over interpersonal skills. To put it bluntly, most men would prefer to have a woman who’s a perfect partner for him, which makes her education (and even career) appear as benefits, instead of absolute necessities.
Now that you’ve seen that video, tell me how many men do you think are hyped to date her? And the men that aren’t, do you think it’s really because of her level of education?
So it’s really not about how educated a woman is – it’s more about what does she have to offer as a person. Interpersonal abilities such as being positive, supportive, having a sense of humor, being sensuous, generous, patient, kind, and silly may all rank differently to different men, but most dudes will take a woman who excels in those categories over a woman who lacks a lot of personality, but has straight A’s across the board.
And I would like to also add this as my final point: Being educated is great and it’s something that men and women should strive for, but we really need to stop rigidly equating education with intelligence and motivation. Just because one person may have more degrees than someone else, that doesn’t mean they are inherently smarter than the other person, which is why I hate when women say that men want to date dumb girls. That’s complete bullshit! Most men aren’t looking for idiots, they are just looking for women they can relate to, feel comfortable around, and have some great headboard-breaking sex with.
LAB
Originally appeared at UPTOWN Magazine
Lincoln Anthony Blades blogs daily on his site ThisIsYourConscience.com, he’s an author of the book “You’re Not A Victim, You’re A Volunteer” and a weekly contributor for UPTOWN Magazine. He can be reached via Twitter @lincolnablades and on Facebook at This Is Your Conscience
Photo: Flickr/Donald Lee Pardue
Hi Wellokaythen You say: ✺”That’s not education causing someone to be unattractive, it’s the unattractiveness that leads to the education.”✺ Are you talking only about women now? I am sure both men and women can have all sorts of personal inner motivation for starting on a higher education, but I thought class / social background was the strong force behind it. And of course economy and whether your country give you free accesses to colleges and universities or not. It is not easy for a boy that grows up in a family with lawyers or doctors for generations before him… Read more »
@Iben..
Hello!
Even if she is uneducated, I still would find her attractive. Her personality, kindness, compassion….are also paramount to me.
http://www.salon.com/2013/08/30/study_men_secretly_feel_terrible_when_the_women_they_love_succeed/
Hi Robert
Thank you for the link. This is exactly my personal experience in marriage :
✺”According to a new study, men experience a blow to their self-esteem when their
female partners experience success, even
when they aren’t in direct competition.
Women’s success also negatively impacts
how men view the future of the
relationship, researchers found.”✺
If this is good research , it answers all our questions .
Hi Iben,
I’ve found that whatever research, but especially regarding gender relations, are rarely if ever presented in popular media in a way that is NOT intended to exaggerate the already existing divide… 🙂
Hi Iben,
It will surprise me if you can show research that show women’s motivation for higher education is to have an edge over other women
It would greatly surprise me too. 🙂
I’m certain that he was talking about a possible beneficial side-effect, and not the prime motivator.
“I’m certain that he was talking about a possible beneficial side-effect, and not the prime motivator.” That’s right. I’m also wondering how these highly educated women who feel rejected know that they were rejected because of their education level. If the men don’t say this explicitly, then you could really only know that if you could compare yourself to women in other categories. Do they do follow-up research to see who their dates go out with next? Maybe the man who turned her down went out with another educated woman with whom he had more in common. Spend a lot… Read more »
I think women’s desire for education merely a desire to be independent and lead a professional lifestyle. It has little, in my opinion, to gain an edge over other women. I appreciate an educated and professional woman, though many can be overly feminist. But, I can deal with that too, so long as we are both open-minded people. Women need to press ahead and get their education. They need to be financially independent. When you find a women who is both well educated and financially independent, the relationship is more balanced. Hence, it is better for both. If a man… Read more »
Hi Wellokaythen I think you are wrong when you say ✺ “I can see some highly educated women feeling frustrated by this, perhaps because they were hoping their degrees would give them some sort of “edge” over women with less education.”✺ My guess is that most women in higher education,colleges and universities are well aware that what they use their time on will not make them more attractive ( or feminine) in most men’s eyes. Especially if they climb socially from working class background. It will surprise me if you can show research that show women’s motivation for higher education… Read more »
“He would never marry a woman educated in the same field because that would mean constant competition for him…” Some men can’t handle a certain kind of woman because he sees her as a threat or competition….my ex got more and more angry and controlling as I reached grad school…I had attained something that he hadn’t (and yet secretly coveted)…he pretended to be supportive all those years, but looking back, I think he just wanted me to go up the ladder first and then help him climb up next….once you go up that ladder, your whole attitude and thinking changes….I… Read more »
Hi Leia, Your story struck a nerve with me, in that you didn’t “need” your partner anymore. In what way did you need him before that you didn’t anymore? The reason I ask is that I had several friends going through this in my 20-30’s. He had already graduated and got a job, and were seeing his girlfriend through school, studying to become an engineer or a doctor, supporting her, living at his place, paying all the bills on his salary to avoid the student loans, etc Then, on approaching graduation, she decided she didn’t need him anymore and dumped… Read more »
Hi FlyingKal
You write:
✺ . He had
already graduated and got a job, and were seeing his girlfriend through school, studying to
become an engineer or a doctor, supporting her, living at his place, paying all the bills on
his salary to avoid the student loans, etc ✺
Is this a usual pattern in your country when a man and woman is not married ?
I am surprised.
Hi Iben,
I think it’s pretty common that people meet a partner in their early-to-mid 20’s, yes.
And as there tend to be an age gap of a couple of years between a man and a woman in a relationship, I guess it makes it pretty common that the man already has graduated or is graduating while the female partner is still studying.
On the other hand, I don’t think it’s all that common for people to get married while one of them is studying.
@Flying Kal— Thank you for asking… I have been asking myself that question a lot lately….as I look backwards in time at myself…. I am a different person now than I was as a teen…this is difficult to discuss as the relationship was abusive no matter how you cut it….in short, I was very young and insecure (and although possessing strong academic skills, I was extremely shy and uncomfortable in certain new situations)…. My ex was a mentor to me and provided a strong support in my life at the time… Although looking back, I probably could have managed fine… Read more »
Hi Leia and thanks for answering. Sounds to me you did the right thing in leaving him, if he was that controlling. I don’t know. I understand that people develop, especially when they go to higher eduaction. I’m thinking that if one partner is working fulltime and the other is studying, you basically live different lives, with separate group of friends and often very different schedules and work/sleep routines. You can’t check on each other 24/7. But they seemed to be happy and giving each other freedom and trust, always bringing separate groups of friends to parties etc, so I… Read more »
@Kal— In a nutshell, my ex was much older than me…and he should have not initiated a relationship with me…to say that he was manipulative and coercive is putting it mildly….even though I was miles and miles away, he called almost every day and kept tabs on me….I was too young and impressionable to know any better….if I mentioned going out to a party or a discussion with someone of the opposite sex, I would get a long lecture on how I was wrong….anyway, he was a psychopath and trying his best to dominate me and intimidate me….to this day… Read more »
I think I see your point. Here’s what I was reacting to: “They believe most men don’t really care about how educated a woman is when they’re choosing to date her. I found it interesting because most of these women have advanced degrees and a fair amount of experience on the dating scene, so to hear them unequivocally state that education is unimportant to most men they interact with had me extremely confused.” I wasn’t suggesting that women pursue education so they can have a dating edge. I’m suggesting that these highly educated women clearly had some *expectations* about their… Read more »
Educated women don’t bother me. Bitches do though. Arrogance, snobbyness, the better than you attitude….that will turn me off quick. I guess it’s similar to how some women complain that they’re a STRONG independent woman which by itself is good, but they are actually arrogant, etc so they turn others off. Be polite, be decent, be a kind and good human and your intelligence will just be a plus. I don’t think many are turned off because someone is too intelligent, but more that they’re attitude is just wrong.
I keep wondering how articles like this would sound to women who don’t have college degrees. I’m guessing it would sound pretty stuck-up to them.
I am a woman with a college degree and its sounds a lot stuck up to me… It doesn’t paint educated women in a very favourable light.
@Samantha…
I want call women without a college degree un-educated. However, such women are more feminine, loving, and sensual. While they might not have a college degree, many of them are well read.
I met a women in her 60s who recently completed reading the Modern Library’s 100 Best Books in the World. Wow! She was very stimulating to talk too!
Hi Theorema ✺”So when an uneducated man who is maybe in a low-wage job as well hears that a woman he has just met is a professor, he sometimes will think: “She will want to make educated conversation about science and philosophy, which I can’t, or she will want me to invite her to posh restaurants which is above my paygrade, in short I have no chance of meeting her expectations, so it’s a waste of time” and back off.”✺ When she told that story my impression was that poor woman only wanted to hook up for the night or… Read more »
Hmmmm, yes that’s possible. In that case she had bad luck running against the common stereotype. I think most people don’t expect highly educated people to do a lot of hooking up. Not that anybody think they can’t or shouldn’t – it’s just considered rare and therefore unexpected. So if that was all she wanted, explaining that fact to the prospective partner would have worked. Except it would have made the whole thing blatantly obvious which is often not ideal; especially if you want to take your time beforehand checking out if the person is the right one after all.… Read more »
If a man wrote an article about how most women don’t seem to be interested in men like him, then guess what 90% of the comments would tell him: he needs to change himself to make himself more attractive to women. He needs to speak with real-life women and get tips on how to be more attractive. He probably needs to speak to a therapist to deal with some deep-seated issues. He needs to let go of his unrealistic expectations. He needs to let go of the idea that he deserves a relationship. If that’s supposed to be good advice… Read more »
I’m still left with the “so what?” question. Let’s say for the sake of argument that men in general don’t prioritize education when looking for a partner as much as women do. Why is that actually a bad thing? I can see some highly educated women feeling frustrated by this, perhaps because they were hoping their degrees would give them some sort of “edge” over women with less education. Perhaps they were hoping they would not have to compete with less educated women or assumed that educated men should be attracted to them and them alone. “The nerve of these… Read more »
“Why is that actually a bad thing?”
I know, right?
The criticism is that men need to be snobbier when they look for women to date? Men are apparently not snooty enough for the women who think they’re superior to other women. A man is terrible because he’s not currently dating someone like me. Talk about arrogance.
This article does not match my experience. Most guys I know care very deeply about whether or not a woman is invested in her career. When a woman is not career focused it’s a pretty big red flag, as it may indicate that she (1) won’t be understanding when her boyfriend needs to put in long hours at his own job, (2) may be unlikely to view earning money as a co-equal responsibility of both members of the relationship, (3) may have traditional views about the role of women which includes spending her boyfriend’s money without much thought, and (4)… Read more »
Not going to college has been the biggest problem for me with dating. For many reasons outside of my control, I did not get the opportunity to go to college. I am a very intelligent person, and I own my own business, but I will routinely run into women online with whom I’m having great conversations and when they ask me about college and I tell them I did not go, they stop talking with me. This happens all the time. They don’t ask me why I didn’t go or anything else; they completely stop talking to me. It is… Read more »
Hi Collin
Can you explain what 0.0001% in raw IQ terms are like in g (IQ)? 140-150-160?
160 is well below my measured IQ. I understand that I qualify for many high IQ societies, but I am not interested in joining them really. My IQ doesn’t define me, but I find it depressing that my lack of a college degree is a dealbreaker with the vast majority of women in the dating pool.
I can understand if they have no communication with me, but I am talking about women I have been talking with over the course a week or two. I have clearly demonstrated my intelligence, but it simply doesn’t matter.
I’m not quite smart enough to qualify for MENSA membership, at least according to a few tests I’ve taken. From what I hear, though, Mensa gatherings are often a bunch of smart people talking about how smart they are and lamenting that no one seems to care how smart they are. They frequently turn into bitching sessions about how no one really seems to appreciate their intelligence.
There are intelligent people out there who are obnoxious about their intelligence. That could lead to problems in the dating world…..
Collin,
Really??? Your “not-so-humble” attempt to insinuate an IQ surpassing well above 160 was neither candid nor believable. A score of 135-145 places a person within the first level qualifying as a genius. It is obvious that you know little about the testing process for IQ determination.
LoL, it always amuses me when people boast of their intelligence. Like I always say, “When a person is truly gifted intellectually or incredibly smart, he nor she needs to brag about it because people already know…”
I read feminist blogs pretty often and this reminds me of the many blogs criticizing various articles that blame black women for the low rates of marriage in certain African American communities. Some of those articles claimed that men were easily intimidated by high status, strong, smart, let alone aggressive women, and they claimed that since black women were just too aggressive and ambitious that men weren’t interested in them anymore. Also there were various “dating experts” that claimed that women in general should tone in down to avoid intimidating men and should focus on subtly bolstering his ego. Needless… Read more »
I also can’t help wondering about the preferences that the author’s friends have towards men. I wonder what sorts of men these women are rejecting. Perhaps these women are themselves stuck with unhealthy or unrealistic expectations about the opposite sex? Is rejecting a man because he’s not educated enough more acceptable than rejecting a woman because she’s “too educated”? If so, then that’s pretty elitist. Anyway, I work in academia, in a place where most of the faculty are women. Where I work, women are actually MORE likely to be married or in an LTR than the national average for… Read more »
For one thing the prevalent narrative is that women strongly prefer dating men of higher status than themselves, and statistics usually validate that hypothesis. So when an uneducated man who is maybe in a low-wage job as well hears that a woman he has just met is a professor, he sometimes will think: “She will want to make educated conversation about science and philosophy, which I can’t, or she will want me to invite her to posh restaurants which is above my paygrade, in short I have no chance of meeting her expectations, so it’s a waste of time” and… Read more »
Well, I have to say IBEN, I have met only 3 women professors in my life so my sample is small, and I have to say with all honesty that if ALL professors at univs are like these 3 I can see why men would run away. Seriously , they were smug, looked down on people who weren’t professors (i.e. professional students) and who have spent their entire lives in the nice social bubble called academia and bascially bragged about it the entire time. Again I ask though, Is “I am smart why can’t I get a date” the same… Read more »
Hi John
Her point was that men did NOT run away when she said she was a nurse.
And she did in fact look like a party girl .
But when she posed as a nurse, I’m quite sure her demeanor with men changed to suit the act………and if you’re acting you can’t break character and puff yourself up. So she enjoyed “Sluming” with the lower classes….not very nice behavior.
Are men perfectly comfortable with women with higher status and higher education than themselves ?
A women professor in Sociology in Sweden told that when she went out to have fun , to meet men , she said she was a nurse if a man asked what she did for living .
In her experience men vanished when she said she was a professor at the university.
Hi Iben, I think to some extent men are intimidated. We all unconsciously strive to date within our league because it reduces the chance of rejection. If an average looking man sees a gorgeous woman, he could be reluctant to approach her because why would she want to date him. Now if he’s a millionaire or has some other high status, he may feel that it would bridge the difference in the looks. Men aren’t used to using their sex appeal to bridge a status gap with women so he might have a problem asking himself why would a higher… Read more »
Men are intimidated and they need to stop feeling that way. I am an educated woman and also a single mom. I have gone out on several dates in which men have told me that I intimidate them. If I am out on a date with you and spending time with you, its because I want to be there regardless of our status or differences in education. So ease up on yourself and just enjoy the time!
My best friend dated people from online sites and from her campus after her divorce….yes, some people were intimidated by her degrees (PhD in psychology)….but the best dating partners weren’t (and were quite accomplished in their own right)….long story short, she ended up marrying a wonderful guy (computer techie guy nearby!)….the right guy is out there….just got to keep looking!
I have dated some men from online sites that said that they weren’t intimidated by my degree or education, but these have been far and few so far. I still go out on dates, but once the intimidation factor works its way in I throw in the towel and try again. An education and degree should be a positive aspect in a person not an intimidation or fear. Educated women are usually strong and independent and open minded when it comes to love and sex. They are also able to sustain a conversation past the subject of what is currently… Read more »
@Iben…
Hello Iben!
“Are men perfectly comfortable with women with higher status and higher education than themselves?”
I am very comfortable with highly educated women. Perhaps it is because I too am well educated. What I have discovered is educated women tend to be far more interesting to engage in deep conversation (over wine) than other women. Yet, women who are not educated appear to be a bit more feminine and have a greater air of sensuality about themselves.
My charm and intellect are a killer:)-
I think the post pretty much nails it. I would like to point out that there is formal and informal education. It seems that your friends are per-occupied with formal education. I’m trying to remember the country (I believe it’s France) where a person can essentially petition the government to grant them the general equivalent of a bachelor’s degree. There is certain criteria they have to meet.
I am a very weird guy I am starting to think becuase the first thing that popped into my head was
Is “EDUCATED WOMAN” the female equiv of “NICE GUY”.
IOW, Do women say “I am an educated woman and yet I can’t get a date and I don’t understand, I guess men just like dumb women”.
Some immigrants use the term educated to mean know proper etiquette / how to live decently. Have a neat and clean house, be well mannered, etc.
Educated Women complain about men who date beautiful but stupid women the same way that Nice Guys complain about women who date men who are strong and aggressive but abusive. Traditionally smarts are seen as a male quality, where as women are irrational. (Assuming you must be smart and rational to get an education.) Niceness is a quality of women, who are supposed to be supportive and nurturing. So a Smart Girl and a Nice Guy are good things, but also defy certain gender stereotypes. Though on another level is the assumption that men and women will actually be attracted… Read more »