A woman hopes Eli and Josie can shed some light on why guys are so obsessed with her rear-end.
Originally appeared at She Said He Said
Dear Sexes: This might be totally silly, but what is it about women’s butts that is so attractive to men and makes them comment? I have a couple of outfits I no longer wear because of the comments men say. Thanks.
She Said: I don’t think it’s just about butts, depending on the girl and the guy, it can be about anything… I definitely have one v-neck tee shirt that is a conversation stopper. “Hey Jos, how are—-“[eyes go to chest, all talking stops for about a second and a half]. And therefore I don’t like wearing it without a big scarf or a tank under it. And it’s just a v-neck!
Ultimately, I think that unless you’re in an intimate relationship with someone, they should keep their comments to themselves when it comes to your parts, especially the sexualized ones. It’s Street Harassment, and it really is harassment. Some people think they have the right to say whatever they want just because they feel it, but they need to realize that words can be violations too.
Same goes for girls. I know guys who are really uncomfortable when girls say, “nice ass” or something like that out of nowhere. Then they feel they should be proud and it all gets very confusing. Fact is, no one likes feeling dehumanized. Liking someone’s ass and saying something to them about it is not the same as giving them a genuine compliment. It often makes them feel sexualized, like their only function is to be a sexual object. Guy or girl—it feels gross to most people.
Wear what you’re going to wear, and try to find a great retort for this type of attention. Something like, “I’d rather not talk about my ass if you don’t mind” or “Ever heard of Street Harassment?” or “Don’t be a creep.” Sure, some guys are going to object to being called a creep, but here’s a newsflash: If you’re a stranger commenting on a woman’s ass, you’re a creep. Back off.
He Said: First off, you should never let obnoxious cat-callers discourage you from wearing what you want to wear. Don’t expose all your ASSets, leave something to the imagination. But (within reason) don’t let others dictate who you are, or how you want to dress yourself. That’s called sexual harassment, and it should not be tolerated.
Now, let’s talk about butts. What’s not to like about about a nice gluteus maximus? Guys are aesthetic creatures, so the mere site of a sweet butt, can send us into excitement overdrive. A plump tush, parading past on the street, offers tantalizing excitement, of what might be. We immediately think of the possibilities. Perhaps we’ll get to touch that butt (or one like it) with our bare hands. Perhaps we’ll get to bite it. Maybe we’ll get to “explore” it. And who knows, that sweet butt might even have a banging body, attractive face, and a wonderful person attached to it.
Promises, promises! Guys are incredible optimists when it comes to a smokin’ rump. We’re also fairly savvy and experienced. We know that sometimes, a butt is just a butt – without all the sweet amenities attached. And don’t even get me started on dishonest pants. Sometimes pants lie to us, and no guy likes being lied to by a pair of pants, especially when it has to do with a sweet ass.
P.S. – There’s many men out there, thus all types of butts are appreciated by someone. Unless you’re planning on cutting off your own ass (we here at She Said He Said strongly discourage self-mutilation), or wearing baggy sweatpants the rest of your life, there will always be dudes commenting (aloud or to themselves) about the status and wonder of your butt. Bottoms up!
Do you have a question for Eli and Josie? Ask it here!
Image of zebra rear-ends courtesy of Shutterstock
I ate her asshole out
Quick Question to you all about this exact topic – I just started dating a guy and on the second date I made him dinner. His text to me after was that He enjoyed watching me shakin my ass around the kitchen…. I am really offended by this comment… should I be? Now, we’ve been aquantainces for years and friends for a few months before this… and he always super respectful and sweet normally (pulls out chairs, pays for dinners, opens doors, says yes ma’am to elders etc etc)….Im just not sure what to think… it definitely left me feeling… Read more »
Don’t be offended. He offered a legitimate compliment, albeit clumsily. Otherwise you wouldn’t find yourself questioning it. I suspect it was less a comment about your actual ass and more about the fact that you cooked for him. He attempted to express thanks for your display of feminine wiles and nurturing skills; he just did so in a way that isn’t (yet) timely. It’s likely something that flowed from your preexisting relationship. You can’t be upset with a brother for appreciation. Beyond that, etiquette doesn’t preclude fondness for a nice ass. There’s no reason to feel dehumanized. Feel your humanity,… Read more »
Thank you for your comments that did help! Yes I guess he is just letting me know that he is really attracted to me.
Why dehumanized? He was probably trying to pay you a compliment by saying you have a nice ass, maybe the way you were working was also nice. Were you bouncing around all positive n upbeat, dancing to music as you were in the kitchen? I’ve seen women do this before and it’s amazing, not for the sexuality but the positive vibe you get from someone so happy that they are dancing. I don’t think you should be offended by it but it’s your choice, you can still respect someone and compliment their ass or their shaking, etc. If he acts… Read more »
Thank you for your comment. I think you might be right on with your 2nd paragraph. And yes I am sure I was bouncing around the ktichen all positive and upbeat. 🙂
Hello,
I myself am an admirerer of the female butt, but what he said is inappropriate for the second date.
My wife and I met online while she was living in Japan. When she came to meet me we were very cordial and casual for awhile but did have sex 4 days after she arrived. However, despite that, I never objectualized her nor spoke to her in such a manner.
It is my believe that a man should always respect a woman and talk to her as an equal unless she talks to him like that.
JMHO…
Sexual harassment? HA! If you don’t want complements, or perceive men looking or making comments as such, then why would you dress in such a way knowing full well you are going to get that kind of attention? If you are going to wear tight cloths, or a shirt that shows your cleavage then you are asking for attention! As the old canard says: “If you’re not in business, don’t advertise.” comes to mind.
Looking is ok, but complimenting n saying stuff is a quite an action n can be controlled. No one has the right to sexually harass, only look (within reasonable social boundaries). Showing cleavage may attract eyes for a second but it’s not right to comment on it. Show some restraint!
Damn straight Archy.
Why would you marry and have kids with a woman if you didn’t want to get fucked in divorce court? Goes both ways.
Dont take it too seriously. Last year, someone told Me I had a nice butt too.People are people!They are attractited to certain body parts on the oppossite sex!(Like I like a guys smile, and butt, to be honest.)
No one likes being dehumanised?
… I thought that was what everybody secretly does like…
Cat calling is the mark of a jack ass that couldn’t get a date if he tripped over one! That said, men and women are attracted to certain areas of the body. it’s called being human.
Nah. Plenty of guys who cat call get laid regularly.
What a silly question. Most parts of the human body are not sexually dimorphic, not very much anyway. So logically, mate-seeking behavior evolve to focus on those parts of the body that are obviously the most different between the sexes: Face, breasts, hips (= butt).
That said…. randomly commenting on the butt (or any other body part) to a strange woman, is RUDE. Save your compliments for women you (a) know and (b) will appreciate them.
Better yet, save your compliments for a woman who has earned them. Like, by marrying you.
I dunno, why are women so obsessed with my hair?
Well I can relate to this… recently lost some 55 lbs, lost 6 inches on my waist, thru the divorce diet, then thru cycling and cutting back on crap food..Im walking down the hall earlier this year one of our “admin staff” who is a early 60 ish female tells me she was following me down the hallway and Just had to tell me I looked real “good”.. I was a little taken back by her comment, but I thought if things were reversed I would be so out of a job IF the female was offended and she would… Read more »
“Why Are Guys So Obsessed With My Butt?” ahhhh, Why Not? Why are connoisseurs of anything interested? Put the outfits on Ebay with a link to this discussion and you’ll make a fortune…. “I notice today, my ability to hear is inversely proportionate to the expanse of the cashier‘s cleavage. I guess I’m not looking at her lips. And I’m not turning my good ear entirely her way. Now that I’ve noticed this; I’ll have to check if I try for leans forward & repeats. I had no problem with the guy at the Bodega this morning. The brown-skinned cashier… Read more »
Yes, harassment & unwanted sexual advances are a widespread male problem, and in need of more attention. But as for the general male interest in admiring your ass (and other physical qualities) which it seems the OP wants to escape, here’s my argument about the genetic tradeoff we were all born into: For the (one could argue) small price of getting your butt complimented each day, you as a woman, get to go most of your life without ever having to face the difficulty of daily rejection by the opposite sex. Because for the most part, despite feminism’s best efforts,… Read more »
Harassment is real, but since humans can’t read minds there is no such thing as an unwanted sexual advance. Someone has to make the 1st move, and someone must communicate yes or no.
Yeah, I would use the term uninvited sexual advance. Short of wearing barbed wire around them like armor there is no way for a women to pre-broadcast before initiation that she is uninterested.
As you said, since initiation is necessary to determine the “wantedness” of attention, there are only uninvited sexual advances (from the man’s perspective).
From the woman’s perspective (only) the unwanted definition applies.
Sorry but “unwanted” does not simply define a female perspective, but also a “sex crime”. That’s my point. The term should not exist in a legal framework.
Agree
It’s one thing to say “You look beautiful” vs specifically pointing out a body part. It’s like seperating the person from the sexuality of the body part. A much more impressive comment is “you are a beautiful woman, I particuarly love your eyes”. Women like to know that they are the full package, not just being rated and judged based on their body parts. As if they as a person are independent from them. Men appear to have a very easy time disecting women apart like that. I also think when strange men compliment your body, it’s not really that… Read more »
I think men get drained on how much focus and money women spend on making their body parts attractive, while simultaneously complaining about the results. You know, the best thing I’ve heard on recently from is when Joanna said she dressed down on purpose when going out. Now dressing down is subjective, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.
IDBY, in all sincerity, would you have used the word “drained” if I hadn’t? Or did you use the word “drained” to make a point about men’s feelings so you wouldn’t have to really listen to the point I was making about women’s in this case?I am sure men get tired in their own right by female behavior. I just don’t understand why you used this as a means to “counter”(?) what I said. I also don’t think men get tired about ogling, evaulating or juding female body parts even if they get tired of the amount of money women… Read more »
On a small side note about this: …then perhaps you should encourage the opposite of that by looking for women that are more natural. I get what you are saying but I wish it were that easy. Even when men do make such expressions we are told that either we don’t really feel that way or that we are still engaging in body policing even though we are only talking about preferences. It’s like some folks just don’t want to believe that there are men out there that don’t go for all the “enhancements” (like the ones you mention). Apparently… Read more »
Danny, I don’t know what you mean by “body policing” but when women come back and saying like ‘oh you don’t really think that”, that’s her issue. I know that I personally have had a hard time always believing things men say. It’s something I’ve had to work on. For example, sometimes it’s so gosh darn hard for me to just take a compliment. I use to deny them and put myself down. So for a long time when someone gave me a compliment I would smile and say thank-you EVEN if I didn’t think I deserved it. I am… Read more »
I’m using body policing in the sense of trying to tell women what to do with their bodies. I agree that no one should be trying to tell someone else what to do with their body but there is a big difference between “I like ___.” and “You need to ___.” I get what you’re saying and yes there are guys out there that go for that stuff but: Well, women can’t read minds so if women see men ogling/enjoying a body part, they are naturally going to say, “oh, so that’s what he likes”. Well if men are too… Read more »
“Well, women can’t read minds so if women see men ogling/enjoying a body part, they are naturally going to say, “oh, so that’s what he likes”.” Start enhancing your eyes n smile then:P But seriously there are some smiles, eyes that absolutely captivate me. Want to get my attention? BURN those silly belts that do nothing but look huge around your midsection, I hate them. Don’t wear stupidly high heels, I hate seeing them. Wear your hair down, I adore full hair. Don’t look like a racoon with your eyeliner. etc Is that the truth women want to hear from… Read more »
Oh, I listened alright! I used “drain” to make a sarcastic dig at the “have your cake and eat it too” mentality implicit in your comment. I like women to dress however they feel comfortable dressing. But they need to OWN that as a form of communication… which far too many refuse to do. If for example, a woman chooses to wear glittery, gooey lipstick, then by all means she doesn’t get to gripe when the guys that cross her path focus on her “perrtty” mouth. If I were to throw money around in front of women, I wouldn’t then… Read more »
I know why you used “drain”. A woman simply wearing something that a man may find sexy doesn’t mean she is trying to “throw” anything infront of him or even be sexy. Men and women don’t always see eye to eye. The fact that she is wearing something a man may think is an “invitation”, doesn’t justify his actions anyway. He is responsible for his actions no matter what she does. Even if she was running down the street naked! Just as if you were throwing money around infront of women, if a woman took advantage of that, that is… Read more »
The vast majority of women aren’t so hot so that if they dressed like nuns men would still fall all over themselves. The simple fact is that women know what gets male attention, act on it, and yet pretend that such directed attention from us is out of nowhere. The blatant truth is that women spend billions of dollars on daily used products to make themselves sexy and hookers wear what they do for a reason. So if guys are hitting on you, look in the mirror. Save the fat girl who gets fetish attention, women don’t get to play… Read more »
Erin says: “A woman simply wearing something that a man may find sexy doesn’t mean she is trying to “throw” anything infront of him or even be sexy.” Erin, in my opinion this idea embraces gender stereotypes in that men have agency and women don’t. Men are actors, and women are acted upon. When women spend 20 to 40 minutes selecting the pair of jeans that makes her butt particularly juicy, these women either do it for the purpose of (or are happy with the side affect of) attracting male attention. Your statement marginalizes the agency the women exercises in… Read more »
Yup
IDBY, you’ve missed my point. I am not saying women have no responsibility for how they dress. I am simply stating the fact that each other’s responsibility is independent from the other. No matter what a woman wears, a man is still 100% responsible for his own actions himself. His actions are not dependent on how *she* decided to act. And vice versa. What I see is a mentality that what a woman chooses to do is where you believe the responsibility lies for both sides. And that is unreasonable. Just because a woman wears something a man may think… Read more »
Have you ever considered other people don’t exist for you to oogle and judge? Obviously not.
“Why are men so obsessed about my butt?”
Well, some good news is that probably none of these men is actually obsessed with your particular butt. He’s probably already forgotten about it five seconds later when another butt walked by. Your butt is probably not on their minds all that much except for the brief moment that they notice you. Not everyone makes it into the spank bank. Your perception of their obsession may be different from their actual level of interest.
Speaking merely anecdotally, in broad generalizations.
On the topic of just looking I think you have a point here. It’s someone interesting we look and enjoy the view for a few moments and then go on about our day.
Perhaps this is totally obvious, and I assume that the letter writer understands this, but just in case: If, like a lot of young women today, you wear an article of clothing with a big word written across the seat, then I will look at your ass. By its very nature, a written language requires visual processing. (Except in the case of braille, but it would be rude to read the ass-words by touch.) I apologize beforehand for the fact that sometimes I am a very slow reader. Thanks to “Hooked on Phonics,” I may have to sound out every… Read more »
Women’s bodies are beautiful, and one of the most beautiful parts is their rear, derrière, ass, tush, whatever you want to call it. Sadly, in my experience as a guy who’s been around a long time I have found that so many women feel their backsides are too big, when I find them perfect or close to it. (Actually, I have never liked the word “butt” because it just sounds so harsh to me about a typically beautiful, soft, and curvaceous part of a woman’s body.) I certainly don’t think even the most beautiful female bottom merits catcalls, but there… Read more »
Attraction is hard to define because each person defines it for themselves. I think that butts get more attention than other body parts because it’s hidden and also visible. It’s something you’re not generally allowed to see, but you can kind of see it like the kid with basic cable trying to catch a glimpse at the scrambled adult channels. Street harassment is bad, but there are times when something just comes out. Like when you watching a movie and you realize something that the lead character doesn’t, you might say look behind the mirror. Sometimes your thoughts pop into… Read more »
We’re mammals. Even if people’s asses were out 24/7, we’d still find them attractive.
I’m pretty sure that this site deleted a comment from be saying just that. But that’s because they hate science here. They hate everything that smacks of ‘generalization’, and you don’t get anything more ‘generalized’ than actual facts – such as the fact that the ass is the primary sexual attractor of every single mammalian species on this planet.
Calling someone out on the street is wrong and the guys that do it are acting poorly but honestly, are they the norm? Why are you obsessed with idiot guys who act poorly in public? Strangely enough, same guys that strut their stuff at happy hour at the local hang outs. Being an old FART (Father Against Rebellious Teens) I’m not up on the latest terminology but I believe the word is “sluggin” Take a look at the lyrics from Twista,(formely known as Tung Twista) American rapper from Chicago ….. She Sluggin lyrics – (Chorus) She sluggin’ She sluggin’ She… Read more »
A nice ass generally comes with a nice curvaceous body that signals reproductive health, thus men feel a yearning to fulfill their biological imperative. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t agree with Sir Mixx-a-Lott on that score.
As to the comments, some guys just have no game. Generally, one should only compliment the ass if he has earned the right to touch it. Overt comments about the bits and pieces are poor form when dropped in casual conversation. But the questioner knows that. If the booty comments were appropriate, she wouldn’t be asking.
Good rule! If you’re at the stage in life where you’re touching each other’s asses, you can compliment it! Otherwise, compliment something else (genuinely).
“Earn the right to touch it????” You give bad advice. One litmus test for good game is how fast you can successfully deliver certain comments.
I fail to see how my statement conflicts with yours. I didn’t say you have to grab it first, just that too sexual too soon is not a winning combo. If that compliment is well received, you’re already moving in the right direction. It has to be a sniper shot — precise and targeted — not a shotgun blast from across the room.
How is more important than when. Get off the too soon kick.
I used an analogy, but I addressed the how. If rolling like Cheech and yelling, “Hey baby!” to women walking down the street works for you, then go for it. Otherwise, timing matters.
Moderator Note: Edited to remove personal insult
Your “Cheech” hyperbole is a how, not a when. You still don’t get it.
IDBY, man, we’re talking past one another. I don’t disagree with the how, but with regard to specific, overt compliments about boobs and butts, timing matters. Your examples are subtle compliments, not ‘I sure do like them big ole titties.’ And I suspect the bra line was a neg.
“As to the comments, some guys just have no game. Generally, one should only compliment the ass if he has earned the right to touch it. Overt comments about the bits and pieces are poor form when dropped in casual conversation” Bullshit. A few weeks ago I was on a first date with a girl and I told her I liked her breasts and was spending a lot of time checking them out. When I phoned her later on I said I wanted to kiss them. I didn’t touch her breasts the whole date because she had a rule about… Read more »
Don’t be dense. You were on a date with the first and engaged in conversation with the second. In bothczars, the girls were interested. I can’t remember the specifics, but hasn’t research shown women decide quickly whether or not men will be cleared for landing, as it were? Regardless, in both cases your mentioned it sounds like you had already earned the right. Making her more receptive isn’t the same as building initial attraction. Give me examples of walking up to strangers, starting conversations with “nice tits,” and getting somewhere and maybe I’ll change my tune.
Both “nice Ink” , “great bra” , “Ooh firm” have worked for me this year.
Why Are Guys So Obsessed With My Butt? Seriously?! Get a life.
This question is a misdirection.
The issue isn’t women’s behinds.
It isn’t men’s presumed attraction to them.
It’s about the broad, complacent entitlement too many men (viz., most of the commenters here) feel to say something about them to women, especially women they don’t know.
Here’s a suggestion: if you don’t know the woman, shut the fuck up. Tell your mother she has a nice ass.
Perfection.
Perfection? It’s literally a slur directed at the commentariat here. Please allow me to point it out, since it seems to have escaped you:
“Viz.,” for those who are unfamiliar, is an unnecessarily pretentious way of saying “namely,” meaning the commenter meant that the specific persons commenting here had this “broad, complacent entitlement.” But is this comment eviscerated for containing personal insults, as are so many others here? Nope, it’s “perfection.”
Second note, I like this so much, I tweeted it and Facebooked it. Never done that with a comment:
“Here’s a suggestion: if you don’t know the woman, shut the fuck up. Tell your mother she has a nice ass.”
““Here’s a suggestion: if you don’t know the woman, shut the fuck up. Tell your mother she has a nice ass.”
So it’s okay to say it if you know the women? My wife and daughter’s body parts are off limits to everyone ESPECIALLY if it’s someone who knows them.
What about when the daughter is 18? Not sure if you don’t want them ever to speak to her about her body parts of if it’s just an issue currently if she’s young? Hopefully her future husband can compliment her?
@Archy …. I hope her boyfriend (now husband) didn’t say things like “nice ass.” It’s for darn sure he didn’t say such things in front of her parents. Just as I wouldn’t be cool about my son doing the same with his girlfriends. It’s one thing to say “babe, you look really nice,” it’s another to comment about her body parts. When I wrote what I did, I was thinking more about a friend of the family making such comments.
I agree with you Tom B.
I wouldn’t mind my daughters bf commenting on her ass, as long as it’s positive and he also compliments the rest of her. Don’t make her feel like her ass is all she is, but let her know she has an attractive ass, body, personality/mind, etc.
Clothes are a form of communication. The REAL entitlement is to expect to have a voice, while others should remain silent.
http://www.myteespot.com/You-Suck-Stewie-Family-Guy-T-shirt-p-5683.html?gclid=CIXVp8znmbECFcXe4Aodnm_Yew
I used to think this way, but over time I’ve come to find that this sort of belief just betrays a general lack of understanding about the male experience. I had two friends that got really into the PUA community, including “negging.” I could not for the life of me understand why they would find this appealing. Seriously, why would you ever want to go up to a person and purposefully tell them something that you know they did not want to hear? When I talked with my friends (and tried to get them away from the PUA mentality) what… Read more »
And??? Celebrities whine about all the autograph requests too. Poor celebs. Popular means popular, not handpicked. No cake and eat it too allowed.
Moderator Note: Edited to remove generalization
I’m sorry, I don’t really understand what you are saying. I’d like to have a discussion with you, but it looks like the moderator doesn’t want that.
I think he means those with beauty shouldn’t whinge about being popular, just like celebs?? Not sure though…
Mike,
Too often moderators would rather castrate a comment, when they could just as easily mark it with bold/italics/blockletter or whatever. As for commenting on women’s looks… NEVER is an idiotic position for some of the obvious reasons you indicate. The why and how of commenting are what is worth discussing.
It’s too easy for people to lay the blame on men, far harder though it seems to see articles getting women to be accountable for their actions, IE telling them to be polite in the letdown instead of acting like a real (insert word of choice meaning rude person). Negativity begets negativity, treating men like shit will end up having some of those men treating women like shit, which probably makes some of those women treat men like shit n so on in a big cycle of clusterfucks. Men need to stop being rude with their initiations or general speech,… Read more »
Here’s the thing. Yeah, that woman was a bitch, and unnecessary. But .. I can’t speak for all women, only myself; but I get really sick of guys with sex in their eyes. Most of them aren’t even overtly creeps. But there’s this look in their eyes … that says that if they don’t get to have sex with me they’ll be really disappointed. And I do absolutely nothing to invite it, and I still get it a lot and I’m still sick of it. And as someone who has been in that situation, I can tell you for sure,… Read more »
And I know you guys can’t help thinking about sex a lot,…
Considering that as guys we have it beat into our heads that we are all about having sex there is some truth to this.
You know what I’m sick of??? Women spending billions of dollars on cosmetic enhancements, using makeup labelled fetish/quickie/afterglow, wearing garments like spanx, and then wondering WHY men have sex in our eyes rather than HOW it got there???? Since you “do nothing to invite these looks” I would sincerely like to ask you where I can find a unicorn.
That’s exactly my point. I don’t wear makeup, or perfume, or short shorts. None of my shirts show cleavage and my skirts go to my knees. I cut my hair myself. I don’t put much effort into being attractive or sexual, and I do that deliberately because I don’t want a lot of attention, and STILL at least once a week I get chatted up by someone with that look that makes me so uncomfortable. So how much worse is it for someone who likes to look pretty?
You assume that all women dislike the attention or the look you describe.
I’m really not. I was responding to one story of a woman brutally shooting someone down. Clearly that one woman didn’t like it from that guy.
Your statement about “someone who likes to look pretty” made me think you were speaking more generally.
You must live in New York because the only reasonable answer to your problem is population density. Try to to look on the bright side of things though for every 1 guy who bothers you.. there are over 200,000 that aren’t interested.
As callous as this might sound but don’t you think the sex in the eyes look could be largely biological, hardcoded, quite natural? Or do you mean something extra you feel they can control? It’s no excuse for bad behaviour but I am unsure if the behaviour you speak of could be successfully controlled, or if it should be. BTW I am speaking of the look alone if it’s what I am thinking of, sexual desire? The feeling of attraction he feels for you and thus wants to try get a date? The part that can be controlled is the… Read more »
‘And the problem is SO MANY GUYS have THAT LOOK in their eyes. And I’m a really friendly person, but I get really sick of that look.” Let’s see if I can write a response to this that doesn’t sound too defensive. Let’s say for the sake of argument that there is a totally unmistakable look in a man’s eyes, and you have never misinterpreted the look. We’ll just leave aside the question of how accurate that perception is and assume it’s all true. My eyeballs belong to me. What I do with them and with my brain are my… Read more »
Rowan, I do not believe your perceptions accurately reflect what is going on around you. We live in a society that stereotypes men as sex-obsessed-potential-rapists. As a result, you have deluded yourself into thinking that there is a “sex look” that you are 100% capable of detecting in the eyes of the majority of men you deal with. In other words, the way you were socialized has effectively convinced you that you possess a superpower (literally a form a telepathy) that allows you to accurately read the minds of men through their eyes. In reality, this is little different from… Read more »
“if you don’t know the woman….” So, does this mean once you shake hands with her and exchange names you can compliment her on her body parts? : – ) I think it’s odd and rude that total strangers will make a comment about my height or ask me how tall I am. Again, this is usually men doing this more often than women, but there is something going on in their minds that just doesn’t seem to go on in mine. Maybe that’s the closest I can get to experiencing similar feelings. Total strangers commenting on one’s body can… Read more »
Now, let’s talk about butts. What’s not to like about about a nice gluteus maximus? Guys are aesthetic creatures, so the mere site of a sweet butt, can send us into excitement overdrive. A plump tush, parading past on the street, offers tantalizing excitement, of what might be. We immediately think of the possibilities. Perhaps we’ll get to touch that butt (or one like it) with our bare hands. Perhaps we’ll get to bite it. Maybe we’ll get to “explore” it. And who knows, that sweet butt might even have a banging body, attractive face, and a wonderful person attached… Read more »
Sounds like two different questions here: Why do so many men find women’s butts so attractive? Why do so many men find it acceptable to comment about women’s butts? The first question is hard to explain completely to someone who is not attracted to women’s rear-ends. I’m not sure there really is a “why” explanation for being attracted to one thing over another, unless you want to be overly reductive about human evolution. I think this is yet one more case where if you’re not attracted to women then you will never fully understand someone who is. (And, of course,… Read more »
Yeah, there are a LOT of men who feel fine commenting on body parts. Recently a guy said to me, “You’ve got the prettiest feet” and I was thinking, “That’s fucking weird” (he was a stranger) but I wasn’t horrified the I would’ve been if he said, “You’ve got the prettiest tits” or something like that. Yet, it was weird. I think there are different “cultures” everywhere. When I was an idiot 18 year old we used to hang at this frat-house (as HS seniors, not college students) and the guys were constantly saying weird shit like that, just out… Read more »
Are you saying that someone saying you have pretty feet was “street harassment”?
No, it wasn’t, but it was odd.
I mean, really, some guy out of nowhere says, “You have the prettiest feet.” ?
Not scary or offensive, just sort of odd.
In my opinion, it’s not just the words but the intent. Some people can say really filthy stuff to me in a way that makes me crack up…the intent and delivery is just plain funny and not at all creepy. Another person can say “I like your earrings” in a way that makes all the hair on the back of my neck stand up and makes me feel like I need to get away. And no, it has nothing to do with whether the person is “good looking” or not…it’s the intent and the vibe. Does it make me feel… Read more »
Joanna, this is just the sort of thing that drives me bonkers about relations between (straight) men and women, and discussions about such. When you say that you used to hang out at a particular frat-house, that indicates it was a habitual, on-going thing. Yes, the guys there were “constantly saying weird shit” or “squeezing past you and grazing hands on your ass,” and… …you put up with it! And from the way you phrase it, none of your group ever did try to take the right guy aside and explain that it made you feel weird. And yet you… Read more »
Because if you wait you will wait forever. Feminists only like “equality” when they benefit from it. If the benefits of equality go to men, you can be certain that feminists are united against it. It’s like all the women who complain about getting too many messages on online dating sites. It must be so SO difficult to sit there and do nothing and get dozens or hundreds of potential dates. Why we men should feel blessed that we even get to spend 5 minutes crafting individual e-mails to women that will be almost certainly completely ignored.
Five minutes?!
I guess you’re a faster writer than I am.
James, knock it off. Don’t generalize Feminists like that.
Women who complain about getting too many messages online in a DATING SITE are idiots, not Feminists. There are male idiots too. Don’t lump idiot women in with all women, or I’ll start lumping idiot men in with the rest of you.
“Don’t judge us by our worst examples” 🙂 I like that phrase…borrowed it from a good friend, use it often.
Queue the retorts. ” feminism isn’t monolithic excepting the good parts”… thus proving your point.
Yeah, we definitely were complicit in putting ourselves there over and over. We were really young, and most of my friends easily mistakes “nice tits” for genuine admiration. It didn’t take long for me to tire of that, and as an adult I rarely went to clubs or pick-up bars. My friends would make fun of me because we’d all be meeting to go the new hot club in LA and some promoter would be getting us in ahead of the line, and whatever and they’d be in the hottest little dresses and skimpy tops and I’d show up in… Read more »
Seems like dudes are getting a little less inhibited nowadays. I saw a video where a man pulled off her underwear when she was sunbathing.
If he said nice shoes, would it have bothered you? or was it a comment about your body in particular, or the comment about feet? (Eg eww foot fetish guy?)
Only time I’ve complimented a woman’s feet was 1 second after she told me her feet were ugly.
Seriously, if you don’t know a woman and you’re not already talking to her, don’t start with “Pretty…” or “Nice…” or whatever. “Nice shoes” might be okay if her shoes truly are remarkable. I was jogging in my bright orange shoes once and some firefighters passed me and said, “Nice shoes!” and I liked that. Because they were notable shoes. But if I were in my regular old shoes I’d see it as phony. Being genuine goes a long way. And starting with, “Hey.” or a comment about what’s happening in the room, “Geeze, it’s crowded in Starbucks today” is… Read more »
I was jogging in my bright orange shoes once and some firefighters passed me and said, “Nice shoes!” and I liked that. Because they were notable shoes. I don’t believe you. I believe that you think that’s why you liked it, but I think the more critical detail was that it was “some firefighters” offering the compliment as they passed you by. If it was “some construction workers” or “some bikers”, my guess is it would have felt creepy, and you wouldn’t attribute it to your notable shoes. What felt nice wasn’t having your shoes noticed (a.k.a. “Nice feet”), but… Read more »
Nailed it. LMAO.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact the comment was directed at her shoes rather than her that she liked. I’ve received more comments from women, both compliments and criticism, based on what I wore rather than how I personally looked. I find it equally irritating and don’t find it any less invasive, but there is the possibility that women do.
So, if it had been “some frat boys” complimenting her shoes as they passed, using the same words and same tone, do you think she’d have liked that just as much, owing to her notable shoes? I guess it’s possible, but it doesn’t seem likely to me. I don’t think it was wrong of Joanna to feel flattered when complimented by attractive people, or that it would be wrong to feel uncomfortable when unattractive people do the same thing. I think we all react that way and it’s just a part of being human. For that very reason, though, I… Read more »
You nailed it Marcus.
Here is a very funny snl skit on sexual harrasment:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBVuAGFcGKY
Possible trigger warning about unwanted touching of women. If this would be a trigger for you, then don’t watch this.
It was a friend I should say who thought she had big feet and they were ugly, I thought they were fine. Not a random woman, I barely say hi to random people let alone women.
I think you’re right about neighborhoods and subcultures. I grew up in an uptight conservative suburban neighborhood and left home to live in uptight liberal neighborhoods. Maybe most people around me have been too afraid of women, too afraid of sex, or too afraid to be politically incorrect, or a combination of all three.
Guys, you might want to do what I do. If a woman of, uh, interest passes by and you feel compelled to do the old swivelhead move…count to six or seven before executing, ok?
Or, just glance and sear it into your memory to review later.
And don’t forget your peripheral vision.
TMZ online is putting the focus on Sofia Vargas’ and Hayden Panettiere’s butts with (fill in the blank): “Dat azz is _____.”
I wish they would do equal time for the men…only fair!
(Actually I would just like to see Viggo Mortenson and Michael Fassbender both fully dressed and in costume! Not just the camera focused on their butts! [“Excuse me, Dr. Freud and Dr. Jung, we just need to get a close-up of your butts!”])….
Ladies, can you stop mentioning Viggo every other day? It seriously fuks with my world view to think that so many of you are obsessed with the sadistic master-chief from GI Jane. In fact, Viggo now lives in my head, constantly trying to revoke my man card and wash me out of the program. “Seek – life – else-where!”
Thankfully my view of Viggo is largely shaped by the Lord of the Rings movies. So instead of him, “constantly trying to revoke my man card and wash me out of the program”, I see him as a man that has to come to terms with his destiny (although I wish there was more focus on his struggle, for a man that was trying to get away from leading Gondor he was awfully gung ho about it).
Viggo Mortensen? the from Lord of the Rings, the road ect?
I’ve seen him in real life and I can tell you that he only exceeds expectations… And I’m the FURTHEST thing from a star-f**er.
On the other hand ladies, let’s reign it in, we’re on a men’s site 😉
On the other hand ladies, let’s reign it in, we’re on a men’s site
You say that like that means we can’t talk about good looking guys or something… 🙂
Ummm. You fancy yourself further away than you are. Viggo is 53 and looks like this without the professional enhancements.
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm1720694016/nm0001557
He is so awesome at any age…just a picture of any part of him (even his elbow) is so sexy!
Oh, I’m sorry….this is a man’s site…so let’s talk about Eva Longoria’s butt…or Kim Kardashian’s!
(You know, I’ve heard gay men rave about William Levy’s and Gilles Marini’s dancing butts!)
You’re creepy
How come no one’s complaining that this comment is heteronormative?
I’m sure there are men who find Viggo sexy and could relate to the ladies discussing him, even on a men’s site 😉
who’s Viggo?
In my opinion, his GI Jane role is the one I like the least. I thought he was much better as an actor in Lord of the Rings, Eastern Promises, A History of Violence, and especially, A Walk On The Moon. He’s a very handsome man, and in a quirky “real person” way, not a typical Hollywood beefcake way. And he has nice eyes…I really notice nice eyes.
Cutting off your own ass to spite your… what?
Funny column this week, you guys.