The term “struggle love” is not some phrase I found in a scholarly article. I created it to describe a trend I am noticing.
To me, struggle love is the belief that for a couple to grow one or both people must inflict emotional, physical, and/or psychological pain within the relationship. This pain will allow the couple to reach new levels in their relationship. Once they get through to “the other side” they will reap the benefits of the anguish they endured.
We see this a lot in Hollywood. Instagram is full #Couplegoals. A celebrity writes an exceptionally long caption shouting out their partner for sticking by their side. Usually, the IG post is worded in a way that alludes to the celebrity participating in unfavorable activities while their partner endured it all.
T.I. did this a few years ago when he made an Instagram post telling the world that his relationship with Tiny “supersedes fidelity.”
Of course, these types of social media posts lead to debate filled conversations on what people need to or need not to do in relationships.
This year we were introduced to the infamous “entanglement” of Will, Jayda, and August. It is not my desire to discuss that entanglement because it would be a redundant conversation. What I want to point out is the same underlying message that exists in all these struggle love stories. Whether it is a famous person or not, if it is on Facebook, or a testimony in the church house the message though worded differently is the same.
A person must be hurt by their partner to experience growth in a relationship.
Now let me be clear and say I know that a couple will have hardships, but it is dangerous to categorize what that hardship will be. Every relationship is different. Why you choose to stay could be another person’s reason to leave. Neither of you are wrong for making that choice.
Whenever people find out a seemingly in love and happy couple has experienced infidelity you see or hear comments like, “See y’all need to learn how to work things out. Look at how they are now. She/He would’ve never seen this side if she/he left.”
People should be given the space to decide what works for them and what doesn’t without judgment. We need to stop only promoting one option when there are so many more.
As a woman, I am OVER the idea of women always having to stand by their partner’s side as they wreak havoc in a relationship.
If you want to stay and work on your relationship do that and you don’t have to explain why to anyone. If you want to pack up your things and leave, then do that, and you still don’t owe anyone an explanation.
This is applicable for ANY PERSON in a relationship. You get to decide what is best for yourself and your partner.
How should we consume information centered around relationships?
I am a bit torn when it comes to how we should receive people’s relationship experiences. Part of me wishes that people with more power and visibility would be more responsible in how they share their stories.
However, I do realize there a level of absurdity in that idea. We are all human and have the right to share our experience in the way we want to. It is an unfair burden to expect someone to frame their experience based on how they will be received.
So, the onus falls on us as individuals. As we consume all forms of information via social media, podcasts, YouTube, and personal stories we need to be cautious of the influence it can have on us. We must remember that we define what is allowed in our relationships and what isn’t.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Alex Iby on Unsplash
It is definitely up to the individual/couple to choose how they define their relationship, but I do think that it should remain private/behind closed doors and not used a model or badge of honor on how to grow as a couple. I feel that after the affair is out in the open, be it via social media or being caught red-handed, declaring the behavior as a learning experience for you and/or your significant other is gaslighting everyone to believing that there is growth in dysfunction and betrayal.