Nikki Brown wants to know why straight men don’t seem to have the same rights when it comes to sexual experimentation.
Have I mentioned how much I like sex?
Yeah, I know we don’t know each other that well. Apologies, but I do like to get straight to the point (and then wander off from there).
Another bit of personal info? I don’t really discriminate based on gender. I like eating pussy about as much as I like giving head (yes, there are women who enjoy the BJ). I’m not all that shy about it, either. I’ve been known to proposition threesomes and offer to pop lesbian cherries.
That’s not just me putting all my sexual-ness on other people. Apparently, in my real, non-bloggity-blog life, I’m the go-to if you want to discuss your fantasies regarding experimentation. Never been with a chick? Want to have a threesome with your dude? If past experience (and other people’s dreams) are any indication, you want to have it with me.
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Now, why am I telling you all this? I do bring it up for a reason (and, no, this post isn’t about being bisexual – that’s a whole ‘nother topic). Basically, I’m trying to highlight the fact that my sexual life involves two things:
- The ability to experiment.
- The overwhelming acceptance and comfort of others around that experimentation.
Personally? I feel pretty fucking lucky. But…What if I were a dude?
Would I feel like I had the freedom to experiment? And, more importantly, would I receive this kind of acceptance about that from others? Would they feel so comfortable with not only my sexuality, but also my expression of it? (And, believe me, I express the hell out of it.)
Hellz to the F no.
Why is it that women can experiment whenever they feel like it? Why is it that we even have a term [LUGs – Lesbians Until Graduation] for those chicks who lick pussy all through college and then go moseying on back to dudes?
Why is it that girls can make out with each other and aren’t told “oh, y’all are big fat dykes?”
And yet. With guys? Ohhhhh no. No makin’ out here. As Dan Savage has said and Hugo Switzer pointed out here, suck one cock, son, you are gay-ed for life.
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The problem with all this? I think we all have license to experiment.
It does not make us gay or even bisexual. It does not mean we are closeted, or we are suddenly unacceptable as dating material.
For one, as long as we are practicing safe, enthusiastic sex (you know I like that), we should be free to express our sexuality in whatever way we feel compelled – as long as we find partners who are equally compelled. We should not be subject to other people’s judgment or definitions. Period. Your sex is your sex – it’s not anyone else’s. I mean, are they having it?
For two, there may be that one person or type of person of the same sex (or opposite sex, if you’re gay) that just… gets under your skin. That one person that clicks in your brain. And you want to bang the crap out of them. Does it make you gay or bi? Maybe not. Maybe it just makes you straight-except-for-that-one-person.
See, I believe sexuality exists as a spectrum – not on hard (ha ha, I said “hard”) and fast terms. We fly a virtual rainbow flag of things that turn us on and get us off. As such, you can absolutely be straight-except-for-that-dude or straight-except-for-eating-box or even gay-except-for-that-one-lesbian.
Can you have very concrete sexual boundaries? Absolutely. Most people do. But does that mean everyone one does? Nope. Doesn’t.
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It is only Society, and Other People, who start to tell us the sex we’re having is wrong. It is only Culture that dictates who gets to experiment with their sex, and who has to keep it straight-and-narrow if they want to still be accepted.
Who gets the real shit end of the stick (ha ha) in this? Straight dudes. Yep. I mean the ones who identify as “straight” – not bi, queer, or pan. They should be able to experiment, but they can’t even enjoy their wife pegging them in the butt before someone starts raisin’ an eyebrow and questioning their sexuality (…and that person might even be the wife).
I mean, if a gay dude slips and falls into a vagina, does anyone tell him he’s not gay? If a straight chick sucks her friend’s titties, does anyone tell her she’s now a lesbian? Any dudes getting squeamish and saying they can’t pooooosibly date her now? Um…. nope. Experiment away, kids!
But the rest of the dudes? Nope. On the Sexuality Questionnaire, you can only check one of two boxes (and only one gets the girl kind).
As someone who takes her license to experiment very seriously, it’s not a little bit of fair or even ok. How can we promote sexual positivity, let alone open dialogue about sex if we still constrain so many people? If we only allow certain groups to express and experiment?
How do we change this phenomenon? I don’t mean dealing with bi/trans/homophobes, I mean, men AND women who do not in any way, shape, or form think of themselves as homophobic.
Be honest: Do you allow men that same license I have to experiment? Why or why not?
—Photo ell brown/Flickr
I’m a straight guy. I experimented with men in college twice. I enjoyed being free to experiment. A couple of my best friends knew. They were cool with it. I met my lovely wife when I was in my late 20’s. When we first started dating, I was very open with her. She told me she was still a virgin. I told her about my experiments. Almost 20yrs of marriage later, and it’s still an issue for her. She goes a few years being ok with it, then something comes up. It drives me nuts that she continues to question… Read more »
Experimentation involved exploring your feelings. Men exploring their feelings is a laughable in this society. Only women and fags do that. Great article! There needs to be more people out there like you.
Nikki, you have raised 100% genuine question… Human do get attraction of the same sex… if not through out their life then specific year / situation or person… If as a man i like same sex person well enough then i do feel or get excited with his touch… if not having sex comes in mind but i do like talking, eating and drinking with him… i am sure if there was no conceptual social resistance of being straight then i would have experimented… I believe everyone is bisexual and later social training decides what to think (action) and what… Read more »
You have the right to be who you want to be and do what makes you happy, with and without backlash. Don’t blame other people for your fears and for misrepresenting yourself or taking advantage of people you choose to be dishonest with. Backlash and discrimination (in all facets of life) is a strong component of this world, that will never completely diminish no matter how many minds one change’s via propaganda. People receive backlash because of physical appearance, culture, criminal background blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…..
How about we just accept everything that everyone does in society with no social backlash and let’s how even more destructive this world already becomes. Isn’t this already hell on earth for the most part with the high crime rates, extensive spread of diseases and stds, parent-less children, children killing their parents, parents killing their children……who cares what you do sexually…….the only person you should worry about caring is the person you plan on being involved with sexually and/or emotionally. You should be honest with that person. There’s always going to be some form of discrimination. This world will never… Read more »
I kissed a boy…and I didn’t like it. Not into men or sexually experimenting with them either. I don’t have a problem with that because its my identity. Do you have a problem with my “heteronormativity?” (I don’t think you do but don’t call me a breeder-I can’t have kids anymore lol!)
Thank you thank you thank you for writing this. I’m a bi trans guy who has been with a straight cis guy for six years. People get *really* confused when they find out that he identifies as straight because, well, he’s been in love with a dude for six years. But, it’s exactly like you mentioned above – he’s all about the women…except for me. Love works in funny ways, and the love of his life just happened to be a guy. It’s not at all what he was expecting, but there you have it. Also, we’re in an open… Read more »
This is EXACTLY what I’m talking about. This right here. I honestly wonder how many more people would let special relationships (maybe not even serious ones, but at least fun, eye-opening ones!) into their lives if we didn’t have the social backlash – if it was ok. Of course, as Gabby mentioned above, this would also mean a lot of other things would be wayyy more awesome too… But I digress. OF COURSE this does NOT mean everyone should now experiment. OF COURSE many people are straight and have no desire to do so – and that’s fantastic too! That’s… Read more »
This post is…true but fairly shallow and unhelpful. Why don’t you explore the patriarchal notions of “feminine” being lesser than “masculine,” and how that manifests itself in social acceptance of women taking on a “masculine” role (sex with women, wearing pants), but aversion to men taking on a “feminine” role (sex with men, wearing dresses). It’s one of the best examples of how patriarchy hurts men too; viewing some traits as lesser than others restricts our natural personalities, and confines men to rigid regulations of accepted masculinity.
Ha! Shallow, eh? Fair enough. And I’d say, given your argument, I’d agree with you. Absolutely the issues of feminine as lesser is HUGE for homophobia and, in the same vein, for the aversion for men to experiment/gaying men immediately. I mean, WOAH you did something only ladies do, and they’re lesser, so why would you EVER do that, therefore, here, I now place you in the “gay” box because that’s also lesser. Yet the point I was making here *was* to hopefully get people thinking on a, well, perhaps more shallow level – but I’d prefer to say less… Read more »
Someone saying:
“I had sex with someone of the same sex but I was only experimenting so I am still 100% straight”
is like a man saying:
“I had sex with women but I was only experimenting so I am still 100% virgin”
Can you give a valid reason why, other than the social construct?
Those who are a 0 in Kinsey scale are straight, those who are a 6 are gay/lesbians and all those who are 1-2-3-4-5 are bisexuals. You can call it experimentation, a phase, just fun, whatever, it’s just self-delusion. How about sleeping with me and then claim it was just experimentation, a phase, or just for fun. The fact doesn’t change, I shagged you 🙂 So what’s wrong with identifying as bisexual. Yes, if someone enjoys having SEX with both SEXes, then that person is biSEXual. Claiming experimentation or a having a phase, are lame excuses. Yes you are biSEXual, deal… Read more »
Well, as a straight man, I feel I am qualified to answer this question: there’s no desire to experiment for most straight men. Not saying it’s bad or they can’t identify as straight if they do. I just don’t find men attractive. You could argue it being due to a heteronormative society, but honestly? Even if society was not heteronormative as it is, I don’t think most men who identify as straight would suddenly be willing to have sex with other men. We just don’t find dudes sexually desirable, that’s all. Of course I can’t speak for all straight men,… Read more »
I agree with this article wholeheartedly. Good for you for writing about it
Religion and parents set it pretty firmly in your head that homosexuality is evil, this perception is carried by society but not to lesbians much… mainly towards gay men… It’s really difficult for a lot of lesbians to really even truly know what real hatred feels like, they get the jist of it all, but often never lived it. Not saying I want them to, but sometimes it would be easier if they really did fully and truly know how demeaning it feels. Religion though, has certainly limited my life sexual experiences, to nothing… I felt pressured to have a… Read more »
Thank you for this article, I’m a bisexual man, I have a wonder girl friend and a beautiful son. Only but a few months ago did I openly admit my attraction to men also. This came to the light when I woke up in a detox unit from a wicked bender, my secret sexuality kept me in a dark place of addiction. From my recent experience I’m finding out that the most homophobic of all my friends are the most curious and ask the most questions ?? I’m very firm in the rejection of suck one dick and your gay… Read more »
…..cont as sexy and a man being into another. That’s fine and dandy,but don’t go about saying your straight to chicks! That pisses them off. I know. I’m sorry,but men are the one’s who oggle over two chicks(they have to look a certain way for them to enjoy). I don’t want my girl to be into girls. I want her to be straight. I have been offered blow jobs and everything else from “straight” men and had to hold myself from punching them. These were married men with kids. Stop hiding behind your wives and girlfriends. I am a dude… Read more »
Men can experiment. There many that do,but choose not to tell their wives or girlfriends. So what,there’s biphobia. There are phobias about “ugly,”fat” fat,”stupid”,Black,White,Asian,Latin,and Middle_Eastern people. They can’t exactly hide what they are. They go through life and deal with it. If a woman want a man who doesn’t have ANY relations with another man,that’s her right. There are too many stories about some dude who left his wife with some guy. It’s not a woman’s fault that being into girls is seen as sexy and a man being into
A straight guy once told me something that really sheds light on this. He said to me “hey I said I was straight but I am not an asshole,” to explain how he was okay being intimate with me even though I am intersex and a transwoman, cause I am still a woman and he’s not into guys. I always remembered that cause I am not usually attracted to Gay or Bi men and seem to attract straight men only. I have only dated straight guys in all my long term relationships so I can vouch for them. Many didn’t… Read more »
I dont want to have sex with a bi man, the risk is very very great and more than I want to deal with. Just being real. I know a bi man who wants to bareback me. I dont think soooo!!!
You’re not are more risk because he’s bisexual – it’s an irrational fear (and by irrational, I mean disproportionate to the actual risk posed). I think a lot of that fear comes from the 80s and 90s when HIV was presented as a “gay” disease, which allowed it to progress unabated and undetected among heterosexual men and women for more than a decade. We also have this stereotype of gay men as being more promiscuous, but that’s not true for everyone and there’s no reason to think it’s true for guys who identify as bi. Would you rather have sex… Read more »
Oh, man, NickMostly, you took the words right out of my mouth. Right. On. And thanks! 😉
I am still pissed that I can’t donate blood because of this perceived risk. Because I’ve had sex with a man who has had sex with a man sometime since 1980. And I continue to have sex with that man, because he is my husband. This makes us both ineligible – unqualified – to donate blood, even though we are both HIV-negative, and as we are monogamous, it’s unlikely that either of us will contract HIV through sex. This makes my blood boil (pun intended) whenever I see a sign asking me to donate blood to save lives. Why, thanks,… Read more »
I don’t think your rant is tangential at all. I have the same reaction to all that shiz. It makes me almost not give blood, but then I remember who that actually hurts, so I give it, but it still makes me infuriated. Especially since HOW LONG has it been since we’ve realized HIV/AIDS is NO LONGER the gay man’s problem???? Oh, homophobia. How deep and subtle you can be. And then, of course, your personal issue. Should you be a gay man whose husband is also gay, then people would at least feel pressure, in this day and age,… Read more »
This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: “Hammer nails all your life, nobody calls you a carpenter, but you suck one dick…” — Jesus
Ha! I think Dan Savage stole that one!
Personally, I find this article hypocritical and not very convincing. Right when I got to the tagline – “Nikki Brown blogs anonymously about sex, relationships, life, gender, sexuality, the environment, and anything else that piques her interest or raises her hackles.”
If you are so free to express yourself sexually in every way you feel compelled, then why do you blog anonymously?
Men are as free to experiment sexually as they want to be.
There are bisexual men out there, period end of story. And I’m sure there are men who experiment once or twice.
Between bi-phobia and bisexual invisibility, I think it raises questions about a real problem. If you read the letters to sex advice columnists, one of the themes of the questions is, “am I gay?” Typically the person posing the question has had some experience where there was another naked man (in the room, on the screen, etc) and they weren’t repulsed by it. In fact, they may have even been turned on a little. To me it seems simple: if you are a man and you want to fuck (or be fucked by) men to the exclusion of women, you’re… Read more »
YES! This, exactly. I mean, the first paragraph is a lil wonky for me. I tend to think of sexuality on a spectrum (*tips hat to Kinsey*) and that some people can and do blur the lines, but would prefer to identify as straight or gay. I think that’s perfectly fine – we should all be able to define our sexuality as we see fit, and that doesn’t we can’t use “experiment” to mean “tried it with someone who was outside my identified sexuality.” Does this mean everyone should? No. In fact, I think the vast majority of people stick… Read more »
I shouldn’t have framed it solely as who you want to shag, as it ignores the question of who you want to form romantic relationships with. But I think the analysis is fair, if you keep it restricted to how someone who doesn’t know if they are gay or bi (based on things they’ve done or found hot) might look at it. But if a guy who occasionally makes out with a dude but only dates women chooses to identify as straight I see no problem with that. I must say, Cassidy’s position in the link you posted reminds me… Read more »
Again, this wasn’t about bisexuality. It was about men who identify as straight and choose to experiment outside that definition. I think it’s awesome to do so if you feel compelled. Moreover, it’s a huge double standard that women have no problem doing so, but men are highly stigmatized for it, or end up with people defining their sexuality for them. Please see NickMostly’s excellent response. That said, your point that I blog anonymously made me laugh – because you’re totally right and I’m surprised no one else called me out on it! I have questioned my anonymity at times… Read more »
Abso-effing-lutely!!!!
Everything you said above?
Word.
*grin*
Hey thanks! Glad you liked! 😀
Here’s a serious thought experiment regarding the sexual experimentation, which may or may not be based on real people and events: “Roger” was adopted as a baby into a family into which two unrelated (to him and to each other) sisters were also adopted as infants. During his teen years and beyond, Roger regularly fucked his sisters with their consent and active participation. He reported, at the time, that his sisters provided him with terrific sexual experiences. His sisters were equally enthusiastic. Roger also had numerous sexual relationships with various women outside of his family. During this time, Roger also… Read more »
I’ll play (and all answers are according to my opinions and my own personal hang ups! Yes! I have some!) Questions: What do you think? Is Roger a reliable heterosexual partner, or is he actually “gay”? I think Roger is bisexual, possibly a genderqueer type. Can someone with his sexual past be a “good man,” especially if he keeps his past a secret? Possibly yes, but lying and hiding information that he knows would influence an opinion is unethical I think. Is there a duty of disclosure to his pupils, to whom he preaches an ascetic, Eastern heterosexual (i.e., Buddhist)… Read more »
I had written a fairly lengthy response, but then the %^&* page re-loaded spontaneously and wiped it out. Aargh! Here’s a far shorter one. You very well might recognize this person were I to reveal any identifying data, which for obvious reasons I won’t. Thanks for your response! Your reaction makes me think that perhaps men can experiment rather freely after all without being blacklisted by women. At least among the progressive types who read this blog. While incest is generally very, very creepy to me, the facts of this case study are different to my mind. Weird, yes, but… Read more »
I tend to agree with Julie – aside from the term “damaged goods”. Another topic I want to think about, eventually, is how we go about forgiveness and redemption – but here I would say it’s about the disclosure thing. Does he really need to disclose this? Maybe, maybe not… I think it’s important for all people to be able to discuss their sexual histories with their partners, IF their partners want to know. As for his students? Is it their business? I want to say no, as long as he’s not preaching something he’s *currently* not practicing. As for… Read more »
About the incest thing, I’m not sure that stigma should neccessarily be worked into that: if he was a kid he may not even have been aware of it. I heard one story from a guy about how he and his sister did all kinds of things before they even knew what sex was, but then stopped when she had a sex ed class and decided it was something much more serious than they had thought. Also, is it really that weird? Anyone play doctor when they were a kid? From talking with a few people I know, I suspect… Read more »
Honestly, I think only Rodger can answer those questions, all except the last one, its too open, vague and subjective for any one individual to “call.” Maybe god?
Thank you for writing this. Thank you for being graphic, Thank you for being funny, Thank you for being honest 🙂 The whole thing reminds me of a conversation a group of guys I was in venture scouts with had. We had fallen out of drill, the younger scouts were playing games in the school hall and we were in the teacher’s canteen planning camping trips and hikes (read: slacking off and talking about the kind of things teenage boys do). We were talking about lesbians and whether any of the girls we knew might be and the topic got… Read more »
You are welcome – and thank you for sharing your story! 😀
No problem, 🙂 I’d completely forgotten about it.
Odd observsations. Heterosexual sex: Guys are regarded as “players” women are regarded as “sluts”. Homosexual sex: Women are regarded as “sexually free” men are regarded as “freaks”. (But of course bear in mind that those four conditions are centered around the ideas that woman/woman sex is okay because that’s what men want to see, man/man sex is disgusting because women don’t want to see that, which are both born from the idea that men are overcome with uncontrollable heterosexual lust and women have no heterosexual lust.) So it seems to me that when people go around talking about how guys… Read more »
Yes. Yes it is.
I’m 100% straight I always have been and ive made mistakes having homosexual encounters in the past for no reason at all im not attracted to guys emotionaly or physicaly i do love women those encounters never went far because that is not who i am it wasnt for me i hated those experiences but i put myself in those situations for no reason but stupidity i guess its wrong i would rather do a homosexual act like that with a female.
That’s possible, could I suggest another possibility: Its more important to censure men’s sexuality because within gender roles men are sexually wound up like a spring. Men are taught from the moment that they learn the word sex that to be a man means to be a stud. Women are taught the opposite. As a result channeling female sexuality becomes less important: its not supposed to exist. Channeling men’s sexuality becomes paramount. No masturbation, no extra-marital sex, certainly no gay sex! The point of the whole thing is to land him in a house with a wife and couple of… Read more »
How about:
Male freedom to experiment (in addition to freedom to be gay) is just another step on a long road?
Because guys that are gay aren’t exactly getting the best of treatment either. But your overall point stands. Guys need the sexual freedom that we have supposedly have already.
Oh completely, I just meant that even some folk who recognise gay rights and don’t find it repulsive still seem to turn their nose up at bisexuality a little.
Good points, and you’re starting to get into the whole underlying theory that I didn’t bring up…
Happy to oblige.
Who is this “we” that is only allowing “certain groups to express and experiment?” I think straight men who want to experiment — and there are many — are just as able as women are; they just don’t seem to need a cheering crowd egging them on with “You go, girl” or talk of sexual “empowerment.” They just, you know, do it. No “loud and proud” required. Are they suffering because they can’t talk about it with “the guys” over a few beers at the baseball game? I don’t think so. If I were sexually experimenting with women I wouldn’t necessarily… Read more »
I think you have missed the author’s point. Saying men “can” experiment with other men sexually doesn’t change the fact that it is more stigmatized and comes with more (social) risk than for women. Yes, there may be a group of men who experiment with other men and keep it secret *and* are happy to keep it secret, and we might well assume they have no lingering feelings of shame about it. What about those who would experiment with other men but for the stigma? Those who would experiment but for the risk of being caught? Those who DO experiment… Read more »
Exactly. The point is, not everyone needs to yell from the rooftops, but talking about it in general terms makes it more safe for people. Hiding sex in the closet clearly hasn’t worked before, and it certainly doesn’t work in our sex-obsessed culture.