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Social media is a difficult place to go if you are looking for compassion. Yet, we are on it constantly and it invites us to share our thoughts, and subsequently our feelings. But, it doesn’t protect us from the counter-thoughts and reactions of others whether healthy or toxic.
This is a tough period in history for compassion. It’s not encouraged. Being petty or savage in response to the pain of others is the running joke. Intolerance is celebrated in the political climate. Whether it is race, gender, sexuality, or political affiliations, people feel justified in dismissing the view of another if they see them as in opposition to their own worldview.
There is very little encouragement for compassion, but there is still a need for compassion in relationships, in business, and in your relationship to self.
Compassion is “sympathy for the sufferings of others.”
While it may not be at the forefront of what we see online, in the news, or hear in music, compassion is still being extended in small and large doses—but it’s not being marketed as the way to handle situations. But it needs to be.
Compassion is the way we prevent bullying. If you can imagine the suffering of the other person, then you wouldn’t want to bully them.
But it’s often not the compassion of others we need. It is often the compassion for ourselves that allows us to have enough compassion to give to others.
What is Compassion for Self?
You are the judge and jury of the things you do in the world that no one sees.
How forgiving are you of your own mistakes?
When you don’t achieve a goal, do you beat yourself up or do you comfort yourself?
How do you talk to yourself? Are you kind? Are you mean? Are you dismissive of your own feelings?
The way you discipline yourself is often the discipline you project onto the world and other people. And the filter through which you may see their problems especially when it is in an area where you feel a sense of insecurity.
You may be harder on others in the areas where you are hardest on yourself. You may not be able to judge their frailty separate from your own. You may think the way to motivate them is the same way you motivate yourself whether you enjoy the way you are tough on yourself or not. And then you may think that what you are doing and the way that you think is out of love for them, while it may feel to them like judgment.
Being compassionate towards someone else going through similar or different circumstances requires you to look at them as a whole other person with their own set of experiences and needs, but apply the type of understanding that you would like to feel if you were in the same circumstances.
And that is where the challenge lies.
Because many people can only give the type of understanding they receive. Many give the type of “tough love” they are used to or administer to themselves.
There is more of a fear of spoiling someone than there is of being too tough on them, yet both can cause lasting damage.
We have collectively decided that this is a hard life in a cold world and everyone should be prepared to get through it alone. But if you look beneath the surface, it’s a collective of people providing resources to one another under the guise of business, and assisting one another through the different stages of life until the end of our lives. The whole network is built on compassion for the suffering of others and easing it.
Relationships especially require compassion. And we often confuse pushing people to solve their problems with being loving.
Compassion requires balance. Too much and you become an enabler which means you can love someone into self-destruction. Don’t offer enough and you push someone away. You no longer are the person they turn to when they are in trouble.
Somewhere in the middle is where you show you understand their challenges and offer help, but also allow them to stand on their own and take their steps towards resolution. When you can master this, you won’t be afraid of compassionately giving someone else what they need without worrying about them engulfing you and sinking your boat.
And if we really think about it, how terrible does it feel for someone not to understand what you are going through? How much better would you feel if the first response was, I believe you?
In our current climate, a little more compassion is necessary. We need to put ourselves in the shoes of others even if we would never wear them (or choose them) to bring more unity across all lines.
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Photo credit: Matt Collamer on Unsplash