Sexual desire is leaving the American bedroom faster than a Kansas tornado ripping apart a house.
Long-term relationships, far too often, experience a dwindling sex life. “Experts” often blame the coals of passion on women; their vanishing libido post-marriage and their keen focus on raising the little ones while ignoring the man next to them.
The lack of female desire is a profitable industry. Thousands of books, full of “theories” on why women lose desire, fill bookstores. Meanwhile drug companies with pills like Addyi are “closing the gap” with a Viagra like pill for women.
But can a pill really put women in the mood?
I don’t think so.
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The problem is that women (and men) need to feel safe to explore their sexuality. The last thing they need is to feel criticized for saying, “not tonight.”
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Being human is complex, especially with waves of emotions and desires crashing into our bodies. Being in a relationship is even more complicated; it requires two people to work with each other’s shifting emotional realities, both together and individually.
Far too often I see a resentful woman, with little sexual desire for her partner, married to a resentful man; resentful because of her lack of desire. For a couple to have sex often, neither partner should meet the other’s “no” with rejection, anger or withdrawal.
If you deny your partner love, an emotional connection, or physical contact for saying “no” to sex, it will make saying “no” easier for her the next time. Ironically, the partner who was rejected by must offer a positive response back to their partner. This is the paradox of sex in committed relationships.
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Let’s Play This Out In Two Scenarios
Meet Chris. Chris loves Lacey. Chris understands that he needs to accept Lacey refusing to have sex tonight, but in his mind that doesn’t make it okay. He believes the wedding band on her finger means her body is his right. He believes that her refusal denies him the thing he feels entitled to. So Chris tries to convince Lacey again and again, hoping his next attempt will “push her over the edge.”
Unfortunately, the sexual edge he is pushing her over is not a healthy edge. If she has sex, she will resent it because he couldn’t accept her “no.” While their genitals may be fornicating, the love and connection in both of them is numb.
If Chris can’t convince her to change her mind, he starts to act like a sad puppy. He sulks, whines, and may even bite her with criticism. He might even ignore her altogether. Whatever happens, his negative response to her “no” is punishing Lacey. The subtext of his actions are sending the following message: “It’s not okay for you to say no. It’s not okay for you to be your own person with a desire that doesn’t match mine.”
Obviously, none of this is going to put Lacey in the mood. In fact, it will do the exact opposite. It will escalate the tension and resentment between them. It will reduce her desire to have sex the next time he asks. Over time, Lacey turns into a sexually dormant women. She is emotionally blocking her erotic nature by the wall of her resentment.
Let’s Explore an Alternative Reality
As Lacey turns down Chris for sex, Chris accepts it. Just like that. He doesn’t hold a grudge or make up a theory that she is cheating on him. He doesn’t view sex as a right or an expectation he deserves when he wants it. Sex, for both partners, is a choice made every single day. It is not a mandatory obligation.
For example:
Lacey: “Not tonight. I feel sick from dinner.”
Chris. “I’m sorry, babe. I hate that feeling. It makes me not want to do anything either. I love you.”
Chris’s caring response is a far cry from the traditional “you always feel sick” complaint. This caring response is far more effective. Receiving a positive response from Chris for turning down sex does not cause Lacey to say “no” more often in the future.
His actions reinforce that he loves Lacey despite not getting what he wants. His words remind her at her core that their sex life is about making love, not increasing the frequency just so Chris can release his sexual tension. To her, saying “no” led to Chris making her feel loved.
Sex becomes more frequent in a relationship of loving responses. It cultivates trust and togetherness, leading to more erotic and passionate lovemaking.
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Whether we realize it or not, we constantly rate our relationships. We value our partner’s responses in every single exchange we have. We are constantly reinforcing or amending the “story of us.” According to John Gottman’s research, it has to be okay, even rewarding, for either partner to refuse sex. Paradoxically, this leads to more sex.
Many people find this confusing. I know I did. But relationships are complicated. That’s what makes them beautiful. They require understanding and working together. For couples who are coping with a decline in a desire, how could your relationship change if you allowed each other to be as you are?
If you make it more than okay for either of you to say, “not tonight,” there will be many more nights when both of you will say “YES.” Female Viagra isn’t needed to fix low desire; just the pill of understanding and empathy.
Three Steps to Help the Rejected Not Feel Rejected
• Don’t take the “no” personally. Realize that a lack of a sexual desire for you isn’t all about you. Stresses from work, health issues, and general exhaustion drain us from having the energy to get it on. For most couples, I recommend using an arousal scale. It allows partners to realize that desire can be different among partners at the same time, but doesn’t mean that the relationship is any less passionate. It just means you’re not getting it on tonight.
• The Curiosity of Rejection. If you become angry, frustrated, or resent your partner, become curious as to why. Why is being told no to sex such a big deal to you? Sex and love are full of private meanings. In my early twenties, sexual rejection meant I was inadequate and unworthy of love. Sex was validation for my self-worth, not a mutual act of appreciation and love.
• The Mirror of Reflection. If this rejection bothers you, ask yourself how this reflects on you. On your relationship. Recall the happy moments in your relationship to help cope with the feeling of rejection. Realize that your partner doesn’t want to hurt you and is merely telling you how they feel. Their behavior has little to do with you and more to do with them; just as your behavior and feelings have more to do with you than your partner. Reflect, ponder, and get to know yourself better.
Sex requires communication, understanding, and appreciation, even when things are not the way we want. Love is about loving your partner unconditionally, with or without your genitals touching.
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This was orginally published on KyleBenson.net
Want to increase the passion in the bedroom? Take the Intimacy 5 Challenge.
Other popular articles by Kyle Benson on The Good Men Project:
- The Story Of Us: The Difference Between Happy & Unhappy Couples
- Your Soulmate Will Always Cause Problems
- Marriage Struggles: The Partner With The Least Desire Controls Sex
- If Love Requires Work, Was It Meant to Be?
Photo: Canstockphoto
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Yaya. I could have written this article. I was the model rejected husband. I believed her when she said she didnt want me and that it put pressure on her if i kept asking. So eventually I stopped and moved into the spare room with a good laptop. After a decade of sexless marriage, in therapy things came out: “If he was a real man he would have kept on trying instead of giving up.” I said “No hun, a man who doesn’t take no for an answer is a rapist”. I moved out 5months later. After 21 years of… Read more »
No wonder there is so much cheating. Turn down your partner once in awhile, no big deal. When it becomes a pattern, you’re asking for it
Let’s check back with “Chris” after she’s told him no for 3 months straight. Chris is doing the dishes. Chris is touching her affectionately without demanding. Chris is cleaning up after himself. She doesn’t love you anymore Chris. She’s using you.
I’ve been dating someone for over five months now. Early on, about two months in, when I made a first move to intimacy, she rejected me and told me that she was on her period (I think she really was), but with some prying she told me that she likes to wait. I agreed because I do too, but I didn’t quite understand what she meant. Over the next few months we fooled around on three occasions, but she never really reciprocated. At one point she told me that she feels bad that we fool around, because she wasn’t ready… Read more »
Ryan, “She told me that she cared about me and that she wouldn’t be making a big deal about this and would just have sex with a guy if she didn’t care about him. I thought this was backwards and a little bit crazy. ” I think one or two things are going on here: 1) you have been friend zoned or 2) she is not sexually attracted to you…or both. There is something she IS getting from you for her to keep hanging around for this long. Ask yourself just what could that be. Women don’t associate with men… Read more »
All sex is consensual. Without consent, it is violence and rape. Compliance, i.e. I’m doing this out of an obligation or demand or emotional threat, is not compliance. That means when your partner is merely consenting, what is happening, isn’t it a form of violence, even if it is just emotional. Yes means Yes, everything else means “NO”. However there is another point that this article is skipping over. Why won’t the pill just put her in the mood? Because being in the mood is about being safe, being relaxed, mindful, in the moment. It takes time and energy and… Read more »
Love this article, thank you.
While I agree with your assertion, that we shouldn’t act like 2 year olds throwing a tantrum not getting our way.. I feel like the partner that wants to have sex, will eventually throw a tantrum, when sex is rejected time after time, or they will just quit trying. Men and women both will eventually start to resent their partner, for never wanting to have sex. And it is their partner’s right to say no, and we should never expect them to have sex with us, just because we want it.. But if it’s a continual problem, night after night..… Read more »
I think the basis of the problem is, that there’s always a myriad of reasons NOT to have sex, and there’s always really only one reason TO have sex, that is that right here and right now there’s nothing else you would rather do or need to do. But for someone who doesn’t want to, there’s never the least bit difficult to come up with an excuse not to. I have never thrown a tantrum, sulked or complained about missing out on sex. What I have done on the other hand, what I am guilty of, is just trying to… Read more »
Reading any of Kyle Benson’s articles makes me think of the proverb “If the only tool you have in your toolbox is a hammer, any and all problem you happen upon will tend to look like a nail”. In the beginning of the article it says “Being human is complex, especially with waves of emotions and desires crashing into our bodies. Being in a relationship is even more complicated; it requires two people to work with each other’s shifting emotional realities, both together and individually.” Yet that “it requires two people to work”, is swiftly forgotten. As described here, there… Read more »
Propagating a false dichotomy does not alleviate the sympthoms of the situation either.
Asking your girlfriend/wife to make love with you means that you desire her. It doesn’t automatically mean that you think you “own” her or are “entitled” to her body. I’m sorry that you seem to have those mixed up.
“Let’s Explore an Alternative Reality”
Your “alternative reality” is mere fiction. At best I would call it a suggested alternative approach. A reality? Certainly not.
The overwhelming body of evidence from research is in clear contradiction to your ‘alternative reality.” Various research has clearly demonstrated that approaches similar to the one you are suggesting has produced at best only a short term favorable result.
To be rather candid, what you are really suggesting is nothing short of mindfucking.
🙂
Love you !
Hello Iben!! I have truly missed you my love…seriously. How have you been? I hope all is well. There is much going on in the world, especially here in America and Europe. As you know I have been doing LOTS of reading and research on women and female sexuality. I am still learning to be honest. I have made lots of progress over the past few years. I have a better understanding (and appreciation) of both. What have I learned this far? Women and their sexuality are both complicated. Female sexuality is not so simple as “His words remind her… Read more »
Hi Jules I am well . I know you read up on all important research ,that is what makes you such a interesting man. You have values and integrity as well, so of course I love you… Yes I remember Brandy Engler,and I bought her book. I will read the other books here as well. Yes we live in difficult times. Here were I live we have to realize that the pleasant buffer of wealth from oil, is coming to an end. Yes Jules, men need to learn about the internal struggle women face with their sexuality. If men tell… Read more »
Sumer curious about what this research is you’re talking about.