It was only after David L left his relationship of thirteen years that he realized he had been emotionally abused during that time.
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I’ve come to the realization that I have been abused for the last 13 years, not physically, but emotionally. I finally have the answer to why people don’t leave an abusive relationship—they don’t realize it is abusive. Even after my separation I didn’t know, I had to hurt a friend before I realized there was even something wrong with me. This is a friend I would rather have never contacted than to have hurt them.
I hurt my friend because on top of abuse I seem to be co-dependent as well. I am not entirely sure what co-dependency is yet, I have been a bit scared to face that, but if I ever want to have decent friendships again I will have too. The online quizzes I have done say my flavor of co-dependency is denial, lack of self-esteem and compliance. Basically I’m needy, clingy and shy. Sadly, at the time I most need friends to help me through this, the neediness sabotages my ability to make new friends and the shyness stops me from asking for help from old friends. There is also more than a bit of shame as well, I don’t really know how to tell people I was emotionally abused. And the people I tell don’t tend to believe me.
It is dealing with the abuse I need help with. I am struggling to understand why I haven’t been in control of my life for the last 13 years. I’m struggling to even understand what I am feeling. It hurts so badly I have been barely been able to hold back tears most of the time. The closest I can come to describing what I feel is violated, the butt of some sick and cruel joke, that someone has been taking something from me for years and I was so helpless I couldn’t even recognize they were doing it. I feel like I am missing 13 years of my life and I won’t get them back and even worse I am going to be missing the next few years trying to get better. I need help because I can’t see how to get better; I don’t know how to make friends anymore, I am not sure anyone will even believe me. The people I have told so far keep telling me I am grieving my marriage but I’m not, this is different but I don’t know how to explain it.
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I should start with how I worked out I was in an abusive marriage. Hurting my friend was a sign something was wrong and started this nightmarish journey. I also seemed to have been leaving messages to myself in things I said and wrote to other people. When I was trying to work out what was wrong with me, to understand why I was so sad, I came across the emotionally abused quiz (linked below) and my jaw dropped. More than half the questions were almost direct quotes about what I had experenced. There is a list of statements at the bottom of this article which are all from things I have written and said over the last three months, and they nearly all appear on the quiz in some form. I couldn’t really deny what I had written and said with my very own hand and mouth. That prompted me to make an appointment with a counselor.
In a nutshell my ex is an almost alcoholic, although she would deny that to her dying grave. She binge drinks every three days, like clockwork. She would drink two bottles of wine, three if I had made the mistake of having more alcohol around the house. I know some would say that’s not a lot compared to some alcoholics but it was enough. I think she knew she had a problem somewhere inside her but she seemed to circle that line between normal and alcoholic not quite ever being either. It meant, though, that my life for 13 years consisted of a three day cycle, Drinking Day, Recovery Day and Good day although sometimes when she was stressed the Good day would go missing.
Drinking day was a barrel of randomness for me and I never looked forward to it. When I would call her in the morning I could usually tell she was going to drink that night, there was an excessive happiness in her voice, almost manic and when I heard that I would usually brace myself for impact when I got home. When she drank I would have someone who would branch into one of three personalities.
- Happy drunk: “The world is awesome.” This was the drunken side of her which was enjoyable when we first started dating but that disappeared only to be seen every now and again a few years after our first child.
- Love Drunk: “I want you.” The only time we would ever have sex was when this personality came out, maybe once a week but sometimes months apart. I can’t actually ever remember having sex with my ex sober.
- Mean Drunk: “You’re a waste of space now aren’t you?” This one started surfacing about a year into our relationship but it started replacing the other two more and more. This was never pleasant for me and literally anything I could be blamed for I was—the fall of Rome, Hitler, the sinking of Atlantis, anything. When she was a Mean Drunk she would tell me I was fat and unattractive, that she was going to divorce me, that she didn’t love me and she didn’t know why she married me in the first place. This would be when all my failings would be held up and have a light shined on them, I’m not even sure now whether some of them were failings but it felt like it after she was finished. It wasn’t even a surprise when she finally did ask for separation. When you have heard the same thing once a week for three or more years it lacks the surprise element.
Recovery Day. I don’t need to say much about this except imagine how you treat your significant other when you have a hangover from a really big night. Cranky, tired, short-tempered and irritable. I might occasionally get an apology for Mean Drunk if she had been particularly vicious the night before. I could never talk to her about the day before in any detail, I would be shut down or her crankiness would come out and I would be told if I picked my act up she wouldn’t need to get so mean.
Good Day. I imagine this is what people in a normal relationship experience as a normal baseline. (To be honest, I can’t remember much about what my relationships were like before my ex, mostly just moments here and there.) This is the day we might go out to the movies, dinner, go for a drive or just relax and watch a movie at home. This is probably the only day we would “connect” as a couple but I suspect even that is a stunted view on what connection is. I think I talked a lot about my hopes, dreams etc., but looking back I can’t recall my ex having much in return. I actually don’t know a heck of a lot about her childhood, her past boyfriends (except for one who is far better than I am) or anything really. It’s not that I am a bad listener—just all her stories were usually only a few years old.
So in the end, after our second child, I shut down, although I think I had been heading down that path for a while. My day became a drudgery of get up for work, drive, work, drive home, help with dinner put the kids to bed and before I would know it would be 9.30 pm I would then play computer games until bed depending on what day in the cycle it was. Even playing the computer was hard work, inevitably every five minutes my ex would find some meaningless trivial task she could have done herself for me to do. Repeat forever.
Somewhere along the way I lost contact with most of my friends. I’m not really sure why that is. I used to socialize at least once a week with friends but somehow that stopped. I think some of it was because if my ex was in her recovery day she would want me to stay home and look after her, some of it I think was because if I went out and she was in her mean drunk day I would cop a lot of flak for it and some of it I think is because I couldn’t maintain a relationship with my ex and friends at the same time, not unless she wanted it anyway.
I find myself now near 40, isolated from all my friends and family, and being shunned by all my ex’s friends, people I once thought of as friends as well. I’m a different person now, I exercise, I no longer start to fall asleep at work, I am out and about—camping, to the beach and other activities with the kids when I have them. I don’t miss my ex at all, the day she left the house has been one of the biggest reliefs I have ever experienced in my life. When I have to talk to my ex, or worse meet up with her, I start to feel nervous and anxious. She has already manipulated me into something I didn’t want to do this week but I don’t know how to just say no.
So this second I am anxious, desperately trying to hold back tears, my chest feels like there is a lead balloon in it and basically I am waiting to see the counselor hoping they believe me and hoping they can tell me what I need to do. I want to know if I will be able to have a normal friendship again. I want to know if I will be able to have a normal relationship again. I want to experience these things everyone else seems to take for granted. I want to fall in love again and trust the person on the other end of that relationship; I don’t want my ex to infect every relationship I have from now on. I just want to have a few years of my life where my heads not being screwed over by someone. I don’t think I am asking for too much. It so daunting knowing I will have to spend probably years having to fix myself before I can even do things normal people take for granted.
Here are things I have said, which are signs of emotional abuse:
- It’s like I found myself from 10 years ago
- I was dull and grey
- I had to walk on eggshells
- I feel trapped down here
- I had no energy
- I became this dull grey distant blob who had nothing left, no energy, no will, no desires, no dreams or hopes just someone who let life happen to him.
- I couldn’t say what I felt because xxxx would either shut me down or it would be me not letting her be her
- Somewhere in my marriage I forgot to be myself
- For years I acquiesced, kept the peace, took the highroad, didn’t tell her how I really felt
- I don’t ever want a relationship again where I can’t tell my partner how I feel even if it means my partner may hate or resent me for what I am feeling or going through
- She would have a good day every three days, if she stopped drinking we could have had more good days
- She forgets we had conversations from the night before when she was drinking
- When she drinks she is really mean and says she can’t find me attractive because I’m fat
- I can’t win an argument with her
- When I pull away from her because I don’t want to fight she follows me into the next room to keep it going.
- She kept saying I was having an affair even though she knew where I was all day and I didn’t have spare time to have an affair
- I called her from my work phone every day so she would know I was at work
- I’d come home and she would be cranky at me, I hadn’t been home long enough to do anything wrong
- She kept telling me I was controlling and I don’t understand how
- She wouldn’t let me talk about the things that were bothering me
- I didn’t feel like I had a say
- I have no friends anymore, I don’t know where they went
- She would ring me up at work and tell me she was horny and could I come home. I said I couldn’t and when I would get home that night she said I had missed my opportunity
- I would never know when she was drinking if she was going to be the happy drunk or the mean drunk.
- She would apologize the next day after being mean but I couldn’t ever talk to her about it.
Link to Online Emotional Abuse Test
Link to Online Co-dependency Test
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Photo: jancissmells / flickr
David, I could have written this. I feel for you man. I notice eery similarity with my ex, who is a narcissist. I highly recommend you read the book “Stop Caretaking the borderline or narcissist” by Margalis Fjelstad. I had the same issue as you – every time I had to interact with my ex my stress would go through the roof, but I felt much happier with her out of my life. She is an emotional vampire as a narcissist and will continue to feed on you until you put a stop to it. You cannot fix this person,… Read more »
Holy crap! I could have written this!!!!!
Oh… alcoholics. If I had to live with one again, lets just say I’d rather put a gun to my head. Active alcoholics (alcoholics who have not recovered) are, deeply wounded cowards. They will do absolutely everything possible to avoid dealing with the issues that turned them into alcoholics in the first place and blame/project their unhappiness onto the people in their life. They are extremely sick and when they ‘attack’ they go for the jugular…saying the exact things they know will hurt you the most. Such a pathetic lot, really. And the co-dependent? AKA, me. I had low self-esteem… Read more »
The police would never believe my wife hit me and abused me. i showed them some videos, they called it an argument. When I asked for a TRO, they said 10 feet. When my wife asked for it, they said 300 feet and gave the kids to the psycho. here are the videos.
http://youtube.COM/WvCn44wCIqc
http://youtube.com/EXkOOzczbGo
http://youtube.com/6LuauXL7WE4
http://youtube.com/Hu-5sul8oHo
http://youtube.com/nGdSS5dP3ws
http://youtube.com/671sEjSryO4
http://youtube.com/5NQtcrCirAc
http://youtube.com/NwGOVikM8ic
http://youtube.com/amtTTUTI34s
http://youtube.com/IPSJBK_P1PE
http://youtube.com/PTjEzQ19Vdw
http://youtube.com/V20Xl9MOIe4
Thank you all. Its been a bit of a journey since I wrote this. I am still seeking help and have had a little trouble finding therapist (they keep getting sick on me after the first interview and taking extended sick leave) so I haven’t had a diagnosis yet but yes I am suffering from some form of PTSD from early childhood trauma. I don’t know how much this contributed/affected my relationship, I really can’t see that clearly at this point without help from other people about what’s normal. At the moment I am just trying not to completely fuck… Read more »
Best of luck to you, David.
I’ve only been in an emotionally abusive relationship for several months, but, as crazy as it sounds, I turned into someone else in that short time: happy smiley lady became some kind of anxious woman that none of my friends ever seen. Thank God, its over for me now – 2y after and I gained back everything I was, exept now I’m wiser and able to recognize an unhealthy relationship from the get-go.
I’ve experienced similar things. I’ve found sanity through al-anon because of the dysfunctional relationship I had. I learned that I grew up in a very dysfunctional, alcoholic household and that’s why I was attracted to this individual…I thought I could bring light into his life. Instead, I eventually embodied his darkness because I didn’t understand what emotional boundaries were and I took on so much verbal and emotional abuse. At the same time, my alcoholic mom had just set herself on fire, almost killing herself, and a month later she was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. I had absolutely… Read more »
Hello David L. I am going through a lot of similar feelings. I’ve found that I’ve been going through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and it sounds like you may be also. You might look into that for help putting the pieces together again. I’m working on something very similar, only after being married 30 years to someone who was emotionally abusive in many ways. It’s been very hard to figure out why I stayed in that situation so long, and very hard being alone trying to get my life back together after losing most everyone in my life, and realizing… Read more »
A big part of my heart hurts after reading your article but the other part feels inspired about the journey you are on to find youself again, understand how your life unfolded the way it did (to this point), and what you are doing to create a better life for yourself. No easy feat. Yet, equally empowering and inspiring!. No doubt your journey has been and will continue to be a challenging one, an emotional roller coaster. But, in the end, it will be your life, lived on your terms, and from my own personal and professional experiences, worth every… Read more »
Thank you for writing this. There are so many articles/places to vent for women who have been in abusive relationships but not so much for men, and I think its important people understand that abuse happens to both men and women. Alcoholics aren’t just those who drink 24/7 – some do but some binge and some are alcoholics even though they ‘just’ drink a bottle or two a night – one thing I do know is active alcoholics can be the worst people in the world and will blame everyone around them. Al-anon may be a group that can help… Read more »
I think you have not only been involved in a relationship involving booze, but possibly one with someone who struggles with a personality disorder and is more than likely self medicating. I am a survivor. I am not a licensed mental health professional but I provide peer support, I know the walk. I don’t believe in codependency when we’re talking domestic abuse. The term came out of the rooms as a way to smear blame and shame on those who were intimately involved with substance abusers. It is a money – maker. There is sometimes a pattern of repetition compulsion… Read more »
David, I experienced two emotionally abusive relationships. The first was flat-out sick, no denying that. The second was with someone I really loved- only after my partner left me and I had some distance did I learn her behavior was meant to be hurtful. It does a lot of damage and I hope you recover and find the love you deserve. I’m a lot like you- shy, clingy and needy, and a touch codependent. I think this makes people like us more attractive to those who know they can take advantage. Which really sucks, but it happens a lot, in… Read more »
4 weeks ago I married my sweetheart, his ex wife was just as you describe. She was not an alcoholic but she was in all ways the same. I just want you to know you can recover, you will be able to find someone who loves you out of her whole ness not her damaged self. Who accepts your wounds and heals them just as you accept hers and heal them…not out of co-dependence but love whole ness. I hope you find a great therapist who can help you to heal so that when she comes along you will be… Read more »
David L, Brother, if you haven’t figured it out yet, your Ex is, in fact, an alcoholic. Do yourself a favor and find the nearest Alanon meeting (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) and start educating yourself. You are experiencing the typical symptoms of being in a relationship (dysfunctional) with an alcoholic (a particular type of abuser). Is it possible you have a parent or caregiver that is an alcoholic or abuser? You may also benefit from Adult Children of Alcoholics (http://www.adultchildren.org/). It may be worth checking out as well. There is much you can learn to begin to have healthy relationships and not let… Read more »
My dad went through this. I was her victim too. She destroyed me completely, I was just a kid when she became family. No defenses, believed everything she said I was, by the time I was an adult I thought I was worth less than roadkill. Then followed the lawsuits, and I thought – finally – someone would hear and recognize our pain and the humiliation. But everybody believed my dad to be the aggressor. Nobody heard anything I said for what it was, my experience was always twisted to fit into their theories of what happened. It takes time… Read more »
I know somebody in your position. Unfortunately I can’t do anything about it because her spouse told her that he doesn’t want her to be in contact with me anymore. He has already been physically abusive one evening when he was drunk and he is psychologically abusive as well (tells her what she can’t eat and makes fun of her stomach if she eats any sweets, tells her who she can’t speak with, etc). She doesn’t realize the psychologically abusive part though. I want to help her, but I don’t know how to since we are not in contact anymore.… Read more »
Bless you. I know what you have been through. I pray that I too find love and trust again in a healthy relationship. There are so many good people out there so don’t let it stop you from loving again. Seems you know this and you are taking the right steps to become whole again. Best Wishes…
“I didn’t feel like I had a say…” Every time I opened my mouth, he shot me down…I felt like I was the one who was wrong for the longest time….and yet he was the one who was the master manipulator and the abusive one…As I look back, I can’t believe who he just talked over me the whole time until I couldn’t figure out what I really thought…I just deferred to him all the time…as I went higher in my education, I questioned him more, sometimes in my head, sometimes openly, which enraged him… One time we sat at… Read more »
Lessons I learned: * Alcoholics and abusers read from a script (Read the AA Big Book and you will be able to quote chapter and verse). I was not dealing with the one I loved but with a hard coded behavior. * It will only get worse and nothing I could do would slow that down. * The only way out for them is admitting a problem and committing to solving it. Very very hard to do. * Protect the kids. I chose to stay until my ex made the problem obvious to everyone in her life. Otherwise, I think… Read more »
You are a brave man to bear your soul in regard to the pain you have experienced. Our thoughts determine everything that happens in our lives. These thoughts are most often unconscious. It will take time and commitment to really work through those, bring them to the surface. It’s a process and you must be kind and patient with yourself. Keep in mind that no one is without challenges they must face to grow and mature. I am very concerned for your children. With you out of the house, her rage will have to be expended somewhere, and they are… Read more »
David,
You are suffering from narcissistic abuse. I have a few blogs, FB pages, and book suggestions to help you on this. We codeps are like chum is to a shark when it comes to Narcs. Also, CoDa meetings really help. I hope you reach put to me, as I would love to share what helped me. I am sorry you had to come across such a character.
Take care
Thanks for sharing, David. I can’t believe how accurately the description of your circumstances and feelings fits my own. I am in a relationship which at the moment feels beyond salvation and I’m trying to figure out what’s left of me.
As bad and as painful as what I am going through is one thing I haven’t been beating myself over was the end of my marriage. I did at first which is how I knew what I am going through now is different. I think I went through about 3 months of grieving the marriage but one thing I have to thank my ex for is making that part easy by being her mean drunk more frequently. I hope it works out for you and I would suggest seeing a counselor first before doing anything rushed. I am starting to… Read more »
Someone on GMP linked this on a separate article the other day. It’s about “Adverse Childhood Experiences” or ACE, there is a tool to figure out your “ACE score” and it can help you understand if childhood trauma was a major issue growing up. http://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/ You should check out “Getting The Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix and also “The Drama of The Gifted Child” by Allison Miller.. both books can help you understand what and why you may be attracted to abusive people. I personally have been in a mildly emotional manipulative relationship and I was completely ignorant of… Read more »
I didn’t score high on the ace test but if I extended that to teachers rather then family then it goes much higher to 6. This is the other article I have written.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/defining-moments-they-can-get-gmp/
Oh man. That was bad. Teachers definitely count.
I am just recovering from a 9 year abusive relationship. I have to see him every two weeks because we have a minor child together and he is still in our life….Like you I did not know it was abusive….it was when I was staying with him (last few months) I came across an article on gas lighting that started to get my eyes open. He broke mine and my child’s trust and now I don’t trust anyone….I am in recovery (hopefully) ….have had some counseling and support of family….I have also accepted that a part of me will always… Read more »
Hi docaby. Thank you. I am stubbornly refusing to believe I can’t be fixed but after the four weeks I have just been through I know exactly just how hard that is to see. Changed, yes that is one of my fears that I wont trust anyone the same way again, but I refuse to believe I am permenantly broken. I wish you all the best and I would love to offer you some advice but I am far away from escaping this myself. Take heart from the other comments above, there definitely seems to be hope. Find someone to… Read more »
This is my life you have described here – my partner is an alcoholic emotional abuser and I am leaving him – this has helped me more than you realise – thankyou for pouring your heart out – I needed to know I haven’t been the only one through this.
Hi Bluespark. If your relationship is like mine was then leave him, there is nothing positive there. Its going to be a rough trip coming out the otherside and I would suggest you contact a good counselor as soon as you can rather than leave it for several months like I did. If you still have friends and family use them for support as much as you can. If you feel like it might get physically abusive you may need to work on an escape plan or have a male friend help as a witness or bodyguard but get out… Read more »
Hi David thanks for that advice, its going to be hard especially as we have 2 small children together but I know its for the best in the end as it is starting to effect our oldest child and I don’t want my children to suffer the emotional abuse as well.
I’m in the same spot with my kids. I’m not sure what I can do for them yet other than be a dad.
There’s a book I found very helpful: The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond by Patricia Evans Verbal abuse is one of the components of physically abusive relationships as well and in many ways the hardest part to recover from. You were conditioned to endure it but you can reverse that conditioning with time and counseling. It’s obvious that your wife is an alcoholic though that doesn’t excuse her behavior. She thinks if she limits her drinking to binge-drinking every few days she’s not a true alcoholic. She’s wrong. But that’s her problem now, not… Read more »
I have been thinking of the kids. They seem alright at the moment but truthfully even if they weren’t its not a fight I would be capable dealing with at the moment. I don’t think of my wife as an inherently evil or bad person but she has issues, selfishness, alcohol and denial about those two issues are the big ones.
you have been abused. all abusers have one thing in common. a superior attitude that justifies there manipulation and control. at the start she adored you, was so interested in your past, every detail, you opened your hear to her, revealed your deep anxieties. she shared them. then she changed – the pattern of abuse that begins is based on your own insecurities, she will change tac as soon as you get strong enough to withstand the on slought. emotional abuse is the worst. believe me. i know. you may be codependent but you know your issues are not the… Read more »