Compassion for yourself and unconditional love go hand in hand.
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All spiritual teachers have pointed to unconditional love as the path to freedom; yet too often we mix up unconditional love with abusive love. Compassion for yourself and unconditional love go hand in hand.
In its healthiest sense, unconditional love means to love someone without trying to change them, while embracing them in our heart regardless of flaws, mistakes, or conditions. Think of your pet or your child. If they pee on the carpet or spill a glass of juice, you’re going to love them anyways. If they wake you up in the middle of the night howling or behave poorly in the car, you’re going to love them regardless.
Now think of your significant other. Love has its ups and its downs doesn’t it? You don’t bail when the going gets tough or even when your partner goes through a tough period of growth and acts less than appealing. You have patience and well…unconditional love in your heart.
But oftentimes, especially in families, phrases like family first, we’re family, or unconditional love are used as weapons. Weapons that keep us tied together regardless of abuse.
If you experienced an upside down childhood in which you had to parent your parent instead of merely being a child, it’s easy to mistake unconditional love for abuse. We’re taught from the beginning that family is family and you stick together no matter what. As a child you can’t leave your family for obvious reasons, so to survive in the mind of a child– you see yourself as wrong, try your hardest to change, justify bad behavior and interpret (in your little kid’s mind), abuse as love. Fast forward to adulthood and you’ve now equated love with the up and down drama of childhood.
Perhaps you have a parent in your life or a sibling that continues to abuse, yet guilty thoughts like: but I love them, they love me, they’re wounded or I need to have patience and unconditional love flood your head. These thoughts keep you bonded together in family because that’s what families do right? Wrong. Here’s the truth: You can still love someone, without continuing to endure abuse.
If a parent or family member continues to emotionally abuse, bring drama, or hurt you in any way, you do not have to participate with this person as an adult. Unconditional love starts with having compassion for yourself first.
This means loving your inner child. YOU
You are not meant to sacrifice your life for your family. Abuse is abuse. I once believed enduring emotional and verbal abuse from family was my karmic lesson to love no matter what—until I realized that perhaps my “lesson” if you will, was to finally love myself first, and love myself enough to say “no more”.
Practicing thoughts like: I’m going to love myself first, I’m going to protect my heart and my mental health, and I’m going to create a boundary of safety around myself, are signs of a well balanced, healthy adult.
Do I still love my family? Absolutely, but I love myself first.
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Once we reach adulthood, we become our own parent. Healthy parents don’t put their children in the line of abusive fire. Spiritual New Age teachers say a sign of spiritual growth is to be able to go home to family and not get triggered.
Well, yes and no.
Triggered over your parents still bossing you around or your sister criticizing you is one thing. Enduring emotional and verbal abuse is quite another.
So set aside guilt, and if you need to take a major time out away from an abusive family member, know in your heart that you’re being a healthy adult parenting your inner child.
Unconditional love and compassion are two different things. Compassion for all beings regardless of behavior is healthy.
Unconditional love for others in healthy relationships is indeed beautiful. Unconditional love regardless of abuse isn’t healthy. It’s self-abuse.
Practicing unconditional love for yourself in abusive or unhealthy relationships is not only necessary, it’s healing to everyone involved.
Once you step back from someone and love yourself first, you allow them the space to heal their own life. It’s like dropping one end of the rope during tug of war. When you remove yourself from the abuse, the abuser is left to reflect on their own life.
Loving someone does not mean enduring their abuse, carrying their pain and trying to make everything better for them. When we “selfishly” take care of ourselves, we become balanced, self-contained and able to truly help the world from a balanced and powerful place.
If you want to change the world, if you want to love unconditionally and have compassion for others, that seed must be planted inside of yourself first.
Great text!! Thank you 🙂
Hi Tamara, thank you. This is tremendously helpful for me to read at this time ie the run-up to Christmas. I am in recovery from a traumatising drama involving my birth family, and it feels heightened during the season. You have helped me pinpoint that I can be self-supporting and compassionate towards my family, without participating. That’s pretty sad, yet as truth it is comforting too. I will need to spend time with these ideas in the coming weeks, and maybe have a bumpy ride, but now I have a framework for understanding and action. Many blessings to you for… Read more »
I am currently going through a parent divorce and this article has offered so much encouragement. My mother has allowed abusive situations in our family for years and recently has begun to lash out at me and my siblings, verbally harassing us and causes so much damage. I decided to create healthy boundaries, and it appears as if that may mean no contact at all for my safety. Thank you for this post and for the help it offers people in situations similar to mine.
I struggle still. Feelings of sadness of guilt and then ultimately relief and freedom to be happy. We don’t have to stop loving someone to know they aren’t good for you and walk away.
This is a very good article. Growing up with abuse creates all kinds of unhealthy dynamics that remained entrenched in adulthood. Making that break takes tremendous self-love, a difficult accomplishment for most people, let alone those whose self-esteem was beaten out of them (physically and/or emotionally). Many stages follow from hurt and grief to anger to truly forgiving and wishing others well, however at a distance. Anyway, thanks for addressing this issue. It’s not one often tackled.
Yes. Extreme self love. Thank you for the reminder and for reading.
I loved this! I decided to divorce my dad almost 2 years now. He was a great provider and will always be so grateful to him to have given me the best educational opportunities possible. BUT that great strive for perfection is continuing and he still wants to control all aspect of my life from what I wore, what I study, how I speak, my hairstyle. All these are him not me. I made peace with it even if it makes my mother cry every day to patch things up. I feel nothing beside the desire to be me in… Read more »
Hi Geen, I know that it’s a gut wrenching decision that isn’t made overnight. Thank you for your comment and for sharing your story.