A single guy wonders if single women only exist in bars and on eHarmony.
Dear Sexes: I’m a single guy, and not really into the whole Internet dating thing. Picking girls up in bars is also a bit daunting (with their whole entourage surrounding them). Where and how do I meet a cool, (semi)regular girl?
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She Said: If you go where your interests are, you’re going to find a like-minded mate. Dog parks are great, cooking classes usually have women vastly outnumbering men. Take group classes in something, anything you’re interested in.
But don’t hit on girls at Yoga. Ever. I know the pants are deceptive; they look like we wear them for you boys. We don’t. And you can say “hi” to a girl at the gym, but never, ever if she’s wearing earbuds. Earbuds are our way of saying, “Stay the F away from me”.
Ultimately, meeting girls is about being open. Don’t go into it looking for someone to sleep with or someone to marry. Meet every girl like she might be your next best friend. Talk with her as if you already admire her for her words and her brain, and then give her a very genuine compliment about something she may never have had complimented before. Look at her completely, as a whole, and that compliment will come to you.
If you meet a girl in a book store (good idea!), be sure to hang about where the cool girls are. Get your ass out of “Self Help” or “Spiritual Growth” and into Fiction or Classics. Date the girl who picks up Austen or Bronte and value most the girls who smile at books and touch them gently.
If these things sound intimidating, then I have to give some serious respect to Internet sites—the expensive and the exclusive ones. I have FOUR cousins and countless friends who’ve met and married people they met on Match.com, JDate, or eHarmony!
What makes these avenues so compelling is that you get to start with the written word. You get to think about and polish your first few interactions. Words are just so inherently hopeful, romantic, and sexy. Commit to using real words and complete sentences (avoid LOL and its horrifying counterparts). The Internet is not always desperate. In fact, it can be downright beautiful.
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He Said: Great question! Difficult answer. If you’re sick of the bar scene (can’t blame you there—girls often barricade themselves more extensively than Faberge eggs), and you’re leery of the internet dating thing (no one is exactly who they say they are—I’m not actually Eli, I’m Brad Pitt, swear to god), then your options narrow.
You can try crowded dance clubs, where you’re forced, by space constraints, to grind your sweaty body up next to some beautiful girl you wouldn’t normally have the opportunity (or cojones) to get so near.
If you’re more concerned with conversation, you can try frequenting a local coffee shop for intellectual hotties, but this requires a real commitment to schedule keeping and caffeinated beverages. You can spend your days or nights hanging out in parks, but you don’t want potential mates thinking you’re homeless, so don’t hang there too frequently.
If none of those ideas sound exciting, you can always buy a dog (great conversation starter) or better yet, become a dog-walker (great conversation starter you don’t even have to pay for). And if you’re still looking for love, how ‘bout your friends hook you up with some of their other favorite single friends?! If you’ve already tried this, and you’re friends have said no, or dragged their feet, perhaps it’s good idea for you to take a little personal time getting reacquainted with yourself.
If you have a question for Josie and Eli, ask it here.
Originally appeared at SheSaidHeSaid.
—Photo sidewalk flying/Flickr
women are just very hard to meet for so many of us serious men that are looking. they are without a doubt, so very nasty to talk too these days. just trying to start a conversation with them, seems very impossible now. many of the women must have been in very bad relationships with men, and are very afraid of trying to meet a man again. i see for myself, how much easier it was to meet women years ago. it just seems that the good men and women just can’t seem to connect with one another today. and what… Read more »
many women today have an attitude problem, and many of them have become so very difficult to start a conversation with. now that many women have higher paying jobs that they never had before, they think that they are all that. if you compare the women of today, to the women of years ago, they were certainly much more better educated than now. today they play very hard to get, and they seem to go after the bad boy type of men. since many women today just can’t seem to love a man for himself, they are looking for men… Read more »
just looking for women online instead of outside
it is very hard to meet a good woman at the clubs, the music is very loud, and it is hard to start a conversation with them. as a straight man, i do like to dance a lot, so every now and then i will find a woman to dance with. but as far as meeting a good woman and having a relationship with, it is very difficult. many women just go out to dance, and have a good time. i would have thought the book store would be a good place, but the women are way too young for… Read more »
as a straight man that had been married twice at one time, going out and meeting women for me is very difficult now. they are very nasty, and their attitude sucks as well. the ones that i have met in the bars seem to have all kinds of problems, especially with money. i know, i have met these types already. i will just stay away from them now. the best way to meet a good woman is eye contact, or being introduced to them. now i will just go out and hope to be at the right place at the… Read more »
keeping in mind that i’m only 20, i think the best way to start a conversation is to look at a girl. if she looks at you usually she is interested. it’s almost that simple.
….. If you’re sick of the bar scene ….. and you’re leery of the internet dating thing …..then your options narrow.
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Well, you might get on an airplane and visit foreign countries…
Well I’ve tried pretty much everything listed above. I finally gave up and started dancing again. at 50 it’s even harder to meet wonderful women. Most have been burned by their ex, some want only to date younger guys, (the Cougar thing) and the others are stuck in the is he going to be around for retirement and take care of me. I dance Argentine Tango and I find it as a metaphor for life. You have good dancers and bad dancers, dancers that are there trying to hook up with someone, and the others that just want to be… Read more »
Learn the art of conversation, and become a very good conversationalist. Stop using boring “hey dude” phrases, never talk about sports. Join a book group…. cooking class (but only if you really like to cook or really want to learn). Invite a bunch of people over for a dinner party for 8– show off some cooking skills and entertainment skills. I don’t ever recall a time when a straight man ever did a full dinner party, plus clean-up. Never been to a straight couples house for a dinner party where men did all the work. Gay guys yes, straight guys… Read more »
Friends are best men through other friends. It’s a warm, safer handoff because you have someone(s) in common. You also have someone to go out with in a group. Cuts out much of the awkwardness of dealing with a total stranger. I met my wife through my female cousin. The rest is history.
Correction:
Friends are best MET through other friends.
coupled people always have these easier-said-than-done notions about where to meet people. first they try having you date their friends; when that doesn’t work they say you ought to try certain activities, and, failing all that, they suggest trolling various dating websites and patronize you when you get the “i’m gonna be alone forever” glums. I think it’s fascinating that there are all these dating websites and meetup.com, etc…etc…to get people together. how about just talking to someone? the worst they can say is no. and, stop being so picky.
Which, by the way, works just as well in BOTH direction. It’s surprising how often you’ll see comments from women urging “Just go talk to her.. take the initiative… say hello!” as though the women is helpless to do anything until the man initiates contact.
After all these years and all this consciousness-raising, the old-model reflexes are still in place. Man must pursue; woman must await contact.
It may not be fair, but it’s the way it is. I have to accept that men make unfair judgments about women based on appearance. Men have to accept that women will probably never approach them spontaneously. We can all bitch about it, but if you are looking for a relationship, you have to do what works.
Well, you could meet them at a brothel. Just saying… [ducking and covering]. 😀 No, seriously, Julie’s point is the best so far: you will only meet women if you’re circulating socially in places where women circulate socially. Hang out with women and, eventually, you’ll be dating one. It’s not like it happens overnight, or that you can guarantee anything, but it happens almost inevitably. Also, I see too many guys who are single but say that only a certain kind of woman attracts them – like, a woman with an iconically female gender performance and body (think playboy bunny).… Read more »
Everywhere, women are everywhere. Why do we need to be on a dating-specific website or a bar to feel it acceptable to speak to them?
Cute girl on the bus? At the lunch counter? Try chatting her up.
I recently went out with someone I met at a grocery store. I accepted because his approaching me was actually novel (which is kind of sad). I am forever telling people to approach someone if they are interested…it’s much less lonely than posting a Missed Connection later…
I’m with you GG4GMP (that’s a silly acronym but I’m going for it). I once went out with a guy who smiled at me in the grocery store. I smiled back but walked away. Then his phone rang and I happened to turn to look at him, reflexively, and he actually jokingly picked up a box of tampons from the shelf and pretended to answer the tampons instead of the phone. It was funny. And so I went out with him. Didn’t really go anywhere long-term but once give me a ride to the airport, and in LA that’s almost… Read more »
I’ve also accepted dates with guys I met at the grocery store or book store. My only advice would be to back off quickly if the woman acts like she doesn’t want to talk. However, if she smiles and responds positively, ask for her email or phone number. Here’s an idea: find a Saturday or Sunday farmer’s market in a town that has a bookstore nearby. Go to the bookstore, find a woman who is looking at books, initiate a conversation, and if she responds positively, say, “hey I was on my way to the farmer’s market, want to join… Read more »
“Everywhere, women are everywhere.”
Sorry, but not every single guy lives in a college town or downtown Big City USA. Single men and women are not distributed evenly across the face of the Earth, yet most dating advice assumes that a person has ample opportunity to meet unattached persons of the opposite sex. Where can be just as important as How or When. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of living in a community where there is a serious imbalance between the genders, you’d know this.
I would advise the single guy to worry less about the Where? and more about the How? That is, how does he talk to a woman he’s attracted to? If he really wants to meet a girl, he should go on a Rom-Com binge (painful tho’ it may be), to see what qualities in a man those female characters respond to. I think he’ll see that they’re attracted to guys who are spontaneous, who talk to a woman they’re attracted to in that very moment, because in that moment that woman is the only one that exists on earth. Be… Read more »
I say do exactly as Hank says. And Hank, if you live in FL call me.
If you two end up together, you owe Eli and me dinner 😉
Hi Brita – I was jesting a bit, regarding buying a dog merely as a prop, though dogs are great conversation starters/ice-breakers. I actually despise people when people treat their dogs as stuffed animals. For the record, I am a serious dog owner, and I know (first-hand) the incredible hard work it takes to love, care for, and raise a dog responsibly and successfully. Having said that, a dog-walking gig could seriously help a single guy’s dating game.
re what Eli said: Please don’t buy a dog just to met women! They are a big commitment/responsibility and way too many are killed every day, often partially because of people buy one without realizing the responsibility/cost. Other than that, great post.
Improv classes, volunteering at Habitat for Humanity, a running club, the gym, cooking classes, volunteeriing at your local favorite political thing, church, farm to market garden, community pea patch, fringe theater and so forth. Be active where active people are. Smell nice, look good, be friendly.