If I told you that I only watch porn for research in sociology, you’d likely call bullshit. And you’d be right. My husband and I have been together for thirty-three years. We have what sex advice columnist Dan Savage calls a “monogamish” relationship.
Passionate sex in a new relationship has a shelf life of about one year for all couples. Our story is no different. The things that drew us together still hold us together. Neither of us has any desire to change that.
After all these years, sex has become somewhat routine and predictable. But that’s not all bad. It creates an absolute comfort with each other. Still, at times we both miss the excitement of fresh and unexpected sex with someone new. We are not alone in that.
Sometimes married people hear, “You’re married; you can have sex whenever you want it.” Marriage makes no such guarantees of quality or quantity.
Trying to discover how many married men watch porn is like the old joke about masturbation. The joke says, “95% of men admit to masturbating. The other 5% lie about it.” Men don’t like to admit they watch porn either. But even those of us in satisfying, committed relationships masturbate and watch porn.
I happen to think we’re pretty normal, not some perverted freaks. There’s nothing to worry about if porn doesn’t transgress boundaries, hurt anyone, or interfere with your relationship.
[A discussion about the morality of lust, masturbation, and porn is beyond the scope of this essay.]
For most of us, finding your spouse desirable and watching porn are not incompatible. Whether we’re willing to admit it, we all have a part of our brains that imagines sex with other people. That doesn’t mean we intend to do it. Porn is pure fantasy; it plays on extremes that are not going to happen with a spouse. Men are capable of separating sexual pleasure from emotional intimacy.
. . .
Spouses’ reactions
This comment I received reveals many of the themes I hear from men:
I find my wife very attractive, and she is very sexual. But sometimes, we do not engage in sex for a while. I like to watch porn, and then I usually masturbate. After that, I don’t have much sex drive, and she interprets it as not finding her attractive.
Spouses have other objections. Some spouses oppose pornography on moral grounds. They may feel that fantasied sex is as much a betrayal as sex with a real person.
Many times, the spouse feels left out of their partner’s sex life. She may feel unattractive to their spouse. She may compare her body with the bodies of the porn actors. Some of the sexual practices her spouse enjoys may turn her off. She may have failed to seduce him with sex toys, sexy clothing, and new sexual activities.
One man told me about how he had watched porn at the office before going home, and then he masturbated. That evening his spouse wanted to have sex, and he hesitated. He had difficulty achieving an erection. She decided to perform oral sex on him, which in the past had helped him have a rigid erection. When she did so, she found some tissue stuck to his penis from his earlier masturbation.
This woman didn’t have any particular grievance against porn, but she was angry. She felt cheated out of a satisfying sexual experience with him. Even when a spouse doesn’t think of porn as cheating, it can make a spouse feel unattractive and inadequate. It can cause them to wonder, Am I not good enough?
The internet has made it easy to gratify basic sexual needs. It also created far less incentive to go out into the real world to chase a partner. Porn, when accompanied by masturbation, takes the edge off of desire.
Unfortunately, masturbation sometimes interferes with the motivation for sex with their spouse. After men ejaculate, they have a “refractory period.” They have reduced sexual desire and aren’t able to get a full erection. The length of this refractory period increases with age. They may wish to have sex, but their body won’t let them.
. . .
People view porn for a complex number of reasons.
· Loneliness — Some unattached men — temporarily or permanently — seek a temporary fantasied partner. Sexual desires fluctuate, and in married couples, those fluctuations aren’t synchronous. Spouses may experience physical or mental problems. If a man travels for work, he will often pull out a webcam to shorten those lonely, long evenings in their hotel rooms.
· Relationships — The passionate sex of a new relationship has a shelf life of about one year. Yet, we expect it to endure forever. As it diminishes, we question our sexual competence and find fault with our partners.
Relationships are complicated. Sometimes sex is not the primary problem. It may be a symptom of more significant relationship problems. A conflict that has not been addressed may cause withdrawal from sex. That is more common than all the other explanations. Men most typically describe this pattern: Their spouse wishes to go to bed. The male partner says I’ll be up in a bit. I must finish this on my computer.
· Self-confidence — Men also sometimes feel they’re not enough. Men avoid sex because of enormous anxiety about it. Men worry about the size of their penises, the firmness of erections, and staying hard. Will I cum too quickly or not be able to cum at all? Am I a lousy lover if my partner doesn’t have an orgasm.
Porn can restore some self-confidence, even if it’s all fantasy. Porn is a natural antidote because it is conflict-free. There is no negotiation, no partner’s feelings to consider. You are in control of all the variables. That ideal sexual partner who wants you is one click away. And if tomorrow that ideal completely changes, it’s just another tick.
· Anxiety and Boredom — Our minds can’t think of two things at the same time. Sexual fantasies push worries about mortgage payments and job dissatisfaction out of our heads. Masturbation is an excellent way to relieve stress. Sexual fantasies creep into our thinking when the mind is bored or idle. Porn seduces us away from the boredom of ordinary life by its novelty. Porn is a way to escape the discomfort of being where you are.
· Fetishes and Kink — Searching a porn site is like walking into a candy store with endless choices. It can create a paralysis of choices. It’s a truism that if something exists, there is porn for it. In the privacy behind their keyboards, people can explore their sexual secrets. They have little fear of real-life consequences.
Fetishes are alternative sexual practices that enhance the sexual experience. They are a preference, not a necessity. In a moralistic society, fetishists expect prejudice. They experience it from most of the community, including their spouses. They may be afraid to discuss it for fear their spouse will see their fantasy as sick, deviant, and perverted. The kink that is lacking in long-term relationships is one click away.
· Conflicts about sexual orientation — Men in heterosexual relationships with recurring same-sex desires may use porn to act out those fantasies. Men search for gay-male porn in about 5% of their searches. The percentage is even higher in states with a low acceptance of same-sex activity. More men in those states live closeted lives, often married to women. For some, it is a compromise to remain in a mixed-orientation relationship.
· Aging — An aging population has high numbers of unattached people. Some turn to porn. As men age, their sexual desire diminishes, and erections become more unpredictable. Porn can help restore sexual vigor and combat anxieties about sexual performance.
· Technology — People are spending time on social media and playing video games. But they are also watching porn instead of interacting with each other in the real world. A correlation exists between people having less sex and watching more porn. Correlations do not prove causality. Is technology a cause or an effect of social isolation from cell phones and the internet?
. . .
When is porn healthy?
Porn can be healthy:
· If it provides sexual release when no partner is available.
· If it relaxes you and relieves stress.
· If it teaches you and your partner what each other likes and dislikes.
· If it invigorates a couple’s sex life.
· If you enjoy fantasied sexual practices that your partner may not share.
. . .
Sex Education
Sex takes time to learn under the best of circumstances, and these are not the best of circumstances. In the absence of high-quality sex education, teen boys look to porn to help understand sex. Unfortunately, if a young adolescent boy learns about sex from porn — as they often do — he may interpret the extremes in porn as usual and expected. Anal sex, the subjugation of women, cum shots to the face, and choking are ubiquitous in porn. But they are not for beginners.
. . .
What are the risks of porn?
· Porn may not align with one’s values.
· When extremes of sexual pleasure appear to be the norm, it may lead to sexual dysfunction.
· if porn becomes an essential prerequisite to masturbation, it can lead to delayed ejaculation
· Self-pleasure may interfere with sexual pleasure with a partner, especially if one prefers virtual sex to sex with a real person.
· Porn may play into negative self-images. Men experience body shaming, too, especially for being too fat. Porn stars have enhanced body parts. They have Viagra-induced hard-ons and self-injected penile endurance. These create an unrealistic standard for male bodies and sexuality. Many of our deepest fears about how our sexual partners perceive us are unjustified. We judge our bodies more critically than the bodies of others.
· Porn may push day-to-day worries out of our heads, but it replaces them with concerns about our sexual capabilities.
· Sex becomes “spectatoring,” i.e., worrying about how you look and sound while you’re having sex. Sex becomes about performance rather than pleasure.
· “Hentai” or animated pornography exaggerates physical characteristics even beyond those of porn actors. This creates even more unrealistic expectations
. . .
What’s a fella to do?
· Limit your time on the internet
· Tell your spouse you love her/him. Be very specific about what it is you love.
· Let them know that whatever is on the computer screen is far less interesting than sex with them.
· Start a conversation. “I love you, and I want to make our sex life even better. How can we do make it better for both of us?”
· If she agrees, watch porn together and discuss what turns you on and what turns you off.
· If most of your porn interests are same-sex, you may need to speak to an individual therapist to explore this.
. . .
All are entitled to have a secret, fantasied sex life. Your browser history should be your private world. Most of us are capable of making a clear distinction between what is fantasy and what is real. But, real emotional intimacy requires taking some risks and making ourselves vulnerable. Nothing causes loneliness more than pretending to be someone we’re not.
Some studies have suggested that couples are having less sex with their spouses. Other studies have indicated that the share of American men who masturbate has doubled. Older men are masturbating as they did as teenagers.
Masturbation can be healthy. If done frequently and perhaps compulsively, it will damage your relationship. Your partner may feel neglected, deficient, or undesirable.
Marriage is a partnership, and sex should be an expression of the love you have for one another. But love and sexual desire are also dynamic. The intensity of your wants will vary from time to time. This variation will not necessarily coincide with the changes your partner also experiences.
No compelling evidence exists that the moderate use of porn used appropriately is damaging.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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