Crying isn’t a substitute for fixing stuff, but it is a healthy outlet and expression. It’s OK men, you can do it too.
—
I’ve been with the love of my life for four years now and have never seen him cry. Me, I cry at least once or twice a month. I cried when I didn’t get that awesome job I wanted, when I received a low grade on an exam, when I heard Adele sing, when my man broke up with me for six weeks (daily crying on that), when a loved one lied to me, and on and on.
But my man—nothing. Once, I thought I saw a little misting in his eye when a friend messaged him that one of their buddies had committed suicide, but he quickly hid that away and changed the subject. So why won’t he cry?
In [men’s] minds, crying is an emotional “breakdown,” and “instability” and they think that the person crying simply cannot deal with the problem at hand, so they cry instead.
|
In my past experiences dating men, the ones who didn’t cry were the ones that seemed to want to project an image of themselves to the world that they “had it all together.” This image entailed someone who could do anything, was smarter than everyone else, a rock — essentially the “go-to” guy when the doodee hit the fan. I often thought of those men as cold and emotionless. I even left a serious, long-term relationship with a great guy because he never showed anything. I knew he loved me, but honey, show it!
◊♦◊
So, why are so many men like this? Psychology tells us that often men who don’t grow up seeing other men cry, won’t cry much when they become adults. Some researchers have also said that testosterone makes one less apt to shed tears. While those can be partial factors, I believe there is more to it.
I definitely agree that not having a weeping role model will certainly affect the way one behaves later in life, but I believe that the more serious aspect is that many men feel that crying is a weakness. In their minds, crying is an emotional “breakdown,” and “instability” and they think that the person crying simply cannot deal with the problem at hand, so they cry instead. Men also tend to be the problem solvers in a relationship, and crying doesn’t solve problems. Weeping, to men, is seen as an inability to figure out how to fix something, and what kind of a man would you be if you couldn’t fix the problem? Right?
From a woman’s perspective, crying usually comes naturally. It is seen as an emotion that we can’t hold back, it outwardly expresses how we feel, and often times after a good cry we have more focus and drive to deal with the issue. It is not seen as a substitute to problem-solving. To us, crying is simply an expression of how one is feeling, not a breakdown of one’s psyche.
But after a year or two, or four, certainly, I would love to see more of the emotional side of my partner than just the stone cold fix-it man.
|
I admit, when I first start dating a man if I see him weeping frequently, I might wonder if he is a suitable companion for me. However, I think the same could be said for women as well—nobody wants to jump into a new relationship where you are always dealing with someone who is on an emotional rollercoaster. But I think the “rules” change as we go from newly dating someone to long-term commitment. Yes, it’s true, we all try to put our best foot forward when we first meet someone and create a perfect image, but eventually, everyone is found out for their true self.
But after a year or two, or four, certainly, I would love to see more of the emotional side of my partner than just the stone cold fix-it man. To me, that would mean that my man trusts me. Not that I have ever been untrustworthy, but that he drop could the “got-it-all-together” façade long enough to let me see him emotional, feeling vulnerable, feeling out of control with emotion. It doesn’t mean I will think he is unstable or weak, I would actually think of him as more human. Men, it’s OK, please cry.
Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?
Receive stories from The Good Men Project, delivered to your inbox daily or weekly.
—
Photo: Getty Images
It’s not so much that we don’t cry. We just have a threshold that is much harder to break. Crying doesn’t solve anything in our heads. It’s basically in my head losing control. I’ve cried as an adult maybe 3 times in front of others. Maybe 6 or so times in all. When my mother died. When my father got diagnosed with cancer. And when my twin brother called me and confessed he had his gun loaded and wanted to kill himself. Crying is what you do when there is nothing that can be done other than crying. So to… Read more »
Oh man Walter I am so sorry for your loss.
I am not advocating crying for the sake of crying. I mean it to mean that if a man feels like crying whether it be a sad story, a personal loss a tough time of things or whatever emotional moment he has going on he should not in any way be shamed for it. And if he is stuffing his emotions because he’s afraid of what others think then that is when it’s really not healthy.
At the bottom of this article is says “Would you like to help us shatter stereotypes about men?”. All I can think of after reading this article is that this article is stereotyping us. Sure there are SOME men who are putting on the tough guy routine that you have thoroughly described in this article…I am sure there are some women that do the same thing. SOME of us just don’t have a strong enough reason to cry, it just takes more for us to reach that point. We aren’t holding back, we just haven’t reached that threshold. That doesn’t… Read more »
Wrong email. Gmail is correct
Yeah my wife thought that of me too. I’ve been crying almost daily since she took her life a month ago.
I can’t say why it’s difficult but it is but I’ll tell you this much .
I love..that woman as much as any person can love another human being . it doesn’t mean I’m emotionless or cold
Walter, sorry for your loss. I won’t even try to put myself in your shoes and I’ll never say “I know how you feel” because no one else is you. Men appear to discern when and where they show emotions … it’s not that we don’t have or show them, we just chose when, where and with whom.
All I could suggest is that you seek support or support groups where people may share that which you are going through. Take care of yourself.
Walter, I am so sorry for your loss. Your statement really hit home for me.
Yes we’re trained from early on to not cry. The man box routine. And you may be the exception SD, but of course we in the general population can’t know that, nor when we will run into one of you. But in general your sisterhood has gone over the top reinforcinG the men don’t cry routine to the point of shame and derision. So why would you ever think we would allow you to see we feel? In retrospect, not dissing your current love interest but as a result you probably broke the previous gentleman’s heart for totally the wrong… Read more »
“reinforcing that men don’t cry routine. It’s like feminism reinforced the oppressive husband, the domineering males who did nothing but make women their slaves, chained them to the kitchen … I guess if ya say it enough it makes it true? My generation will be gone soon enough and there will be few left to disclaim the falsehoods of men.
Yes, there are some men who struggle with emotions but …..Awwww forget it, I get tired of writing the same old thing over and over and over again.
We have men trained men not to cry as well and in certain jobs like police officer, firefighters, and in the military, crying is not permissible and if you cry, people will have doubts about whether you can do the job when the stuff hits the fan.