Dear Sandy,
I visit the Good Men Project fairly regularly where I read your articles. You helped me write my profile, and I receive your automated emails advising women on dating. From my perspective, I see a significant disconnect. It seems that women have a rather difficult time finding the right person. What confuses me is that this man, with a profile written you’re your professional help, has an abysmal first response rate.
I am on multiple dating sites and have sent out more than 200 messages to the various matches and search results with very few responses. If there are so many women looking for their true love then it seems to me I should be getting more first responses.
I do take time to write my first message based on her profile. I know I am not the life of the party type of guy but have never written anything crass or presumptuous. I am tall, slender, maybe even athletic, and have a full body picture on my profile. None of my pictures are home mirror photos and none look like selfies. And yes, all are fully respectable.
As I see all these sites about women having difficulties finding someone to date, why do I have such a low response rate? Ok, let’s say it is me. What might I be doing so wrong?
I do consider the possibility of making the error of living in Panama City, Florida. Moving just to find dates is a bit extreme, although that is now a serious consideration.
Please help!
Lonely in Panama City
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Dear Lonely in Panama City,
Online dating is not for the faint of heart. Many emails go unanswered. People disappear after a few messages. But in spite of the pitfalls, I believe online dating is still the best way for anyone over 40 to find love.
Thank you for hiring me to write your profile. A professional profile definitely helps add to your online dating success. However, you say you’re still not getting the results you want. Let’s try and figure out the root of the problem.
Should you move? I don’t think that’s the answer. People in large cities have trouble finding love online, too. They often have the opposite problem—the paradox of too much choice.
Is it your photos? I haven’t seen them, but you say you’ve posted good pictures, no selfies, and no bathroom mirror photos. I’m imagining you also have no photos of yourself holding a large fish, dressed in camouflage, or hunting? All good on that front.
So, if it’s not your location, your photos, your profile, or your location, what could the problem be? I’d have to guess that your emails are ineffective. Or you’re emailing women who are not a good match.
Here’s my 5-step formula for how to write effective online dating emails
#1. Greeting or no greeting?
On most sites, all you know is his/her screen name/username. It’s pretty awkward to open your email with, “Hi, loves2laugh_007”. I recommend skipping the greeting and going right to the body of the email. There was actually a research study conducted by OKCupid that showed that emails without a greeting get more opens and responses. Go figure!
#2. Make it personal.
When you’re searching for love online, you need to scroll through tons of profiles. Once you’ve narrowed it down to the few you’re interested in, you will still be interacting with complete strangers at first. In other words, online dating is highly impersonal until you get to know someone.
To stand out from the crowd, instead of sending a generic, impersonal, boring message, it’s important to establish a personal connection.
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To stand out from the crowd, instead of sending a generic, impersonal, boring message, it’s important to establish a personal connection. You want to pique his/her interest. How? Read his/her profile, find a thing or two you both have in common or something that resonates with you. Do you both love to swim? Are you both artists? Does her love of adventure excite you? Each of these is a potential way to connect. Mention one or two things that stood out the most in their profile, and why it resonated with you.
#3. Ask a question.
You’ll get a better response if you ask a question. For example, “I have a dachshund named Tony. He warms my feet at night. What kind of dog do you have?” or “I’m reading the biography of Thomas Jefferson. What surprised me most was _______. What are you reading?”
#4. Ask for a response.
People don’t necessarily understand that you would like a response to your email unless you ask for it. Crazy, right? It may seem obvious to you, but you’ll want to make it clear by including a casual, low-pressure statement that shows you’d like to hear back (without sounding desperate or demanding).
What not to say? “Hope to hear from you soon”. That can make you sound a little insecure.
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You can say something like, “I look forward to hearing from you” or “Later!” What not to say? “Hope to hear from you soon”. That can make you sound a little insecure.
#5. The signature.
Sign the email with your first name.
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What not to do:
- Write a long email describing yourself. Your bio belongs in the essay, not the opening email.
- Tell people to check out your profile. If someone likes your email, they will check out your profile. When you ask them to check your profile and see if there’s interest, you can come across as lacking confidence.
- Be generic. Don’t say, “Nice profile. You look interesting.” Be specific to show that you actually read the person’s profile.
- Focus on a woman’s looks. “Hey beautiful!” or “You’re gorgeous!” doesn’t flatter as much as connecting to something about her personality.
- Get sexual. A classy woman doesn’t want to be objectified, especially not in an opening email. If you want a response, connect to her heart, her passions, her soul, not her body.
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I hope these tips help you have more success at online dating. Please don’t give up hope. There’s a wonderful woman out there for you. She’s just an email away from meeting you!
Hey, why don’t you try victoriyaclub.com?
I communicate with a lot of girls there. And they respond to me all the time!
This is why:
http://www.businessinsider.com/likelihood-of-getting-a-response-in-online-dating-men-vs-women-2013-7
Generally speaking, an average straight man will have to send 25 messages to women his own age procure one response, while the average straight woman will have to send 5 messages.
Idk about others but the main reason I dont reply to a good profile/message is because I feel we have big differences in key issues which the person somehow didnt pick up on, likely because those differences don’t bother them but do me. Examples: politics, or smoking. Trying to hide these differences is bad because they can be major factors in a relationship, its better to know early on. Another issue is they are out of my age range, its creepy. And its still bad if he’s in your age range but lists in his acceptable age range that he… Read more »
Janet, Thank you for your comprehensive comment. You’ve provided so much good feedback for those dating online. I agree with you, I don’t write back if there’s no connection, if a man didn’t put much effort into actually reading/commenting on my profile, and if he’s only interested in my looks or sex. The email template I provided should help anyone looking for a way to connect effectively in a first message. In terms of age requirements and body type, I tend to be more open minded there. I believe that people can dream about the perfect person who might be… Read more »
I am a little bit at loss at what I see as a rather generic level on the advice in the response. Especially in the “not”- section, but also overall.
If a person is a regular visitor to GMP and also receive the emails about online dating, I would expect him to already have adjusted his profile and posts to these kind of advice that seems to be given rather regularly, no?
FlyingKal,
The advice may seem generic to you, but if you read Janet’s comment above, it seems that very few people take heed. I’m not sure why he’s not getting responses, but if he follows this advice, he’ll probably have more success.
Do you realize how generic and bland a lot of women’s online profiles can be? Or even if they put anything at all? Here’s a typical example: “I’m here looking for a real gentleman who positive attitude with a big heart who wants to enjoy a simple movie a cup of coffee or walk in the beach no drama no insecurity I’m easy going women who could fall in love with only a cute smile ! Super romantic …” Okay then…what am I supposed to do with that? Ummm…not much. I can’t tell you how many profiles of women I… Read more »
Why not ask what kind of movies she likes or her favorite place for coffee? Be sure to include your favorites too.
@Maryann,
Good idea. Something short and sweet, not invasive or sexual. Good way to start a conversation.
@mgm531, I hear you on the bland, cliché profiles. It happens with both genders. If you’re on a dating site like Match.com, you’ll learn more in other sections, such as what books they read, favorite movies or hot spots. In OKCupid, if they’ve answered questions, you’ll learn more, too. A profile is not a person. So, if you like a woman’s pics, send her a short email telling her she has a nice smile (eyes, hair, etc), but you don’t know much about her. Ask her an open ended question about her passions, what she does for fun, what was… Read more »
When you say “effective” online dating e-mails, what does that mean? How “effective”?
Anyone who makes the approach will send many more messages than they get positive responses. That’s just part of being the initiator, and it’s true no matter how good your profile and messages are.
@AnoDog,
Effective means you have a better chance at a response than when you write generic, ineffective, or crude, rude, or insulting emails. Yes, online dating can be a bit of a crapshoot, but if you take control of what you can, you’ll have much greater success.