I experienced a feeling the other day that as a guy I was not aware that I could experience. Or at least I never thought about. I felt used for sex.
It was a horrible feeling and I felt low and I felt dirty. I felt like a slut, and not in a good way, not in some glorified way that, as a guy, I would brag about to my friends. This experience would not lead to a story with the ending line of the story being, “I’m such a slut,” while I smile or laugh at it with my friends. No, I felt like a slut the same way a girl might be made to feel. Let me tell you this is not a good feeling.
So here is what happened. I met a girl on a dating app. We talked and we met up. We went out to eat and I ended up bringing her back to my place. We hung out for a while, and then we had sex, and it was great. Afterwards she slept over and the next day she was on her way. We texted all the next day and made plans to hang out. We did end up hanging out, which was great as I truly did enjoy her company. After a day of texting and then hanging out I ended up going to her place this time around. We ended up having sex and once again it was great. Afterwards I was promptly kicked out.
OK, maybe saying I was “kicked out” is an over exaggeration, but she made it clear that she did not want me to hang around. She said something to the effect that she had to be up early the next day and that she slept better alone. She really had to get to bed at that exact moment.
I was hurt. I could not believe it and all at once all these emotions hit me. I had let her stay at my place the night before, but now she was putting me out of hers. I could not believe it at all. I ended up leaving because I did not want to make it seem like I cared. How could I really be upset or hurt about being put out after a hook up? We both got what we wanted. Sex is all we were truly looking for after all, right?
I was on this particular dating app because I just wanted to hook up, and judging by how fast and easy the sex happened I assume she was looking for the same. Even though I was hurt by being put out, those emotions from the previous night did not really sink in until the next few days. To be honest I did not know what those emotions were in the moment because they all hit me at once, and some of them I never experienced before. I just knew that I had all these emotions that I could not identify but that I felt bad.
Over the next few days the two of us still texted, or rather I texted her mostly and she responded minimally. From all my previous sexual experiences the tables were turned! I was the one all caught up and attached, and she could care less about having anything to do with me. Eventually our contact stopped and when the contact stopped then I could identify my emotions. I felt used! I felt used for sex! I felt dirty and cheap! I felt inadequate and not good enough! All of these emotions are ones that I never knew that I, as a guy, could feel. I kept asking myself, “A straight guy can be used for sex? How is this possible?”
There was this feeling of being inadequate and not good enough. I felt maybe as a sexual partner I was not good enough, and this is why she did not want anything further to do with me. I thought she enjoyed it, but maybe she didn’t. Or maybe it was me, maybe she just did not enjoy my company. Maybe it was a combination of both. Who knows? What I do know is that these thoughts never came across my mind before.
The feelings of being dirty and low were the worst though. Like every person on this planet I have been used before, but never in such a manner. This was a new low for me, and because it had to do with sex I guess that is where the feeling dirty came from. Anytime something with sex does not feel right it automatically feels dirty, I guess. In a way I felt like a victim, like this girl did something horrible to me or that she took something from me.
Once these feelings were identified I was able to sort through things in my mind. There was a whole lot of self-pity, but in the midst of my self-pity I had the greatest breakthrough. This feeling that I experienced for the first time at the age of 24 is something that women probably feel all the time. The feeling of being used for sex. I knew at that moment that this experience was actually one of the best things that ever happened to me.
In the past I could only imagine what a woman might feel if she felt that she was being used for sex, but now I knew. I was in her shoes! While being in her shoes was a horrible feeling it was truly a great feeling at the same time.
Let me explain. Men and women should respect each other. The goal is not to go around hurting each other. At least I hope not.
Thanks to that experience I feel I can now empathize truly with my female friends and family. I can now have more meaningful discussions with my guy friends, especially when they are just planning on using a girl for sex. I feel this is great for me and I’m truly happy for this experience. I am still sorting things out, but I will be back with more on this. For now this piece is “to be continued.” Please feel free to add your thoughts. Guys have you ever had this experience before? Please let me know!
Photo: Flickr/Mislav Marohnic