Hey there, you lovebirds! Are you tired of feeling like your relationship is stuck in a rut? Are you constantly nitpicking your partner’s flaws and struggling to see the good in them? Well, listen up because there is some great news for you: only focusing on the negative aspects of your partner might be the very thing that’s killing your relationship. Yep, I said it.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of fixating on our partner’s shortcomings, whether it’s their forgetfulness, their tendency to leave dirty dishes in the sink, or their less-than-stellar fashion sense (among larger negatives). But the more we focus on these negative traits, the more they can start to feel like defining characteristics of our partner, and the less we’re able to appreciate the good qualities they bring to the table.
Research has shown that the way we perceive our partners has a significant impact on the success of our relationships. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that couples who focused on each other’s positive traits and strengths were more likely to report satisfaction and commitment in their relationships. On the other hand, couples who fixated on each other’s negative qualities were more likely to experience conflict and eventual dissolution of the relationship. Yikes!
So, what can you do to break out of this negative mindset and start seeing the good in your partner again? Here are some tips to get you started:
Practice gratitude:
Take time each day to reflect on the things you appreciate about your partner. It could be something small, like the way they make your coffee in the morning, or something bigger, like their unwavering support in your career. Something that I find myself doing is being grateful of who they are overall, and even taking the time to think of someone else, and realizing that they probably have flaws that I would have to deal with too. I know its controversial, but it has really helped me when I think that someone else (imaginary or not) might be a better partner. (Think of all the training you would have to do too!)
Communicate effectively:
When you do have a concern or issue to bring up with your partner, try to frame it in a positive way. Instead of saying “You always leave your socks on the floor,” try saying, “I really appreciate it when you put your socks in the hamper.” This is so so helpful. I try to do this in life too, not just with my partner, but with myself and those I interact with daily. Nothing feels worse than making everything so negative all the time, and your partner probably doesn’t think so either when everything they do is “bad” all the time. More importantly, using positive communication and reframing negative statements as positive ones has been shown to lead to more constructive conflict resolution and overall relationship improvement.
Focus on solutions, not problems:
When you do encounter a problem in your relationship, try to approach it as a team. Brainstorm solutions together and focus on finding a resolution that works for both of you, rather than just pointing fingers and assigning blame. This works so well for us at my home, it feels great for it to be “us” against “the problem” because when we get to the result, it makes us feel closer and connected. I will say however, you need to have a partner that is on board with this, and working towards seeing each other as a team in daily life is imperative to help with any issues that come up down the road.
Remember why you fell in love:
Take a trip down memory lane and remind yourself of all the reasons why you fell in love with your partner in the first place. This can help rekindle feelings of affection and appreciation. This is a simple solution to a potentially big relationship killer. Remember why you fell in love is not just to revisit the past, and see how much better it used to be, but to lean into your feelings for one another to help propel you forward. Its a way to say, “this has been done before, we can do it again”, instead of using it as a way to see the separation.
In summary:
By focusing on the positive aspects of your partner and practicing gratitude, effective communication, and teamwork, you can strengthen your relationship and foster a deeper sense of connection and happiness. So, stop dwelling on the negatives and start celebrating the positives — your relationship (and your partner) will thank you for it!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
