James Fell is proud to announce that he’s one of those guys who puts the toilet seat down.
TMI alert! We’re talking about toilets here. If you’re eating something, stop.
I always put the toilet seat down. Note the author’s name: James. Last time I checked, I was male. After checking, I put the toilet seat down. Not just the seat, but the lid too. I’m pretty uptight about this, and you’re about to learn why. And in learning, perhaps there will be sharing. You may decide to forward this article to someone who is guilty of leaving the seat up and it will change them for the better. You’re welcome.
I remember getting a joke email about “Men’s rules for women” and one of them was: “Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.” I’m about to become a traitor to my gender by telling you not to accept this argument.
There are some basic reasons for putting the seat down like:
-It looks nicer and cleaner with the seat and lid down.
-Unappealing smells are kept at bay.
-You don’t have to worry about things like glasses, cell phones, tooth brushes, curling irons, electric shavers or whatever falling in.
-You also don’t have to worry about people falling in.
It’s that last one that turned me into a seat down advocate.
I was about nine years old. We were visiting my grandmother on the coast. She had been living alone for at least a couple of decades and was not used to having overnight guests. She had her house a certain way and didn’t anticipate that a young boy would use the toilet and leave the lid up.
I remember hearing shouts in the middle of the night. There was some kind of commotion coming from out in the hall. Being only nine, I was in no hurry to go out and see what was going on. Thank God for that. Then I heard my mom and my stepdad’s voices too. I listened and couldn’t make out what they were saying, but there was definitely something weird going on out there. Again, being a kid, I figured if it concerned me someone would come and get me. I stayed in bed and eventually everything quieted down and I went back to sleep.
My mom told me what happened the next day, but you’ve already figured it out, haven’t you?
I left the seat up. Grandma got up to use the toilet in the middle of the night and she fell in with a wet sploosh. And she got stuck. Her shouts brought my mom and stepdad and they had to physically hoist her out of the toilet. I understand it took quite a bit of effort. My bad.
Ever since that day if I see a raised toilet seat (that isn’t temporarily raised for a specific reason), I see wet, naked grandma butt. Well, I never actually saw wet, naked grandma butt in person, but I can sure as hell imagine what wet, naked grandma butt looks like. No man wants to think about his grandmother in this way.
So, feel free to share this article around, or print it off and stick it to the bathroom mirror. Every time someone leaves the seat up then yell out at the top of your lungs “Wet naked grandma butt!”
Originally appeared at Chatelaine.com