Mark Radcliffe loves it when women aren’t afraid to stand up for what they believe in.
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I tend to differ with most men when it comes to a certain topic: The women that most of my male friends call difficult, stubborn, unreasonable and a “bitch,” are the ones I find truly compelling.
When I meet someone at a party I’ve found fascinating and then mention her to a friend later, I often get responses like, “Really? Susan? Kind of a bitch, don’t you think?”
When I press them on why they saddle her with that label, the responses are something like:
“She’s a little intense.”
“Not exactly a shrinking violet.”
“She comes on a little strong.”
“She’s pretty stubborn.”
“She’s a little unreasonable.”
“She’s kind of aggressive.”
The truth is, I like a woman with a strong point of view.
One who’s willing to make a scene.
Cause a fuss.
Storm out of a meeting.
Or a date.
Tell a guy to go F*** himself.
Or an entire room.
Or her mother. And father. And entire family.
As long as it’s over principle. If she’s willing to take a stand on an issue she’s not flexible over, I’m all ears. I may not agree, but I respect her passion.
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This isn’t about excusing someone’s egocentric behavior, or condoning self-importance, and most certainly not abuse. This is about saluting someone who’s not willing to comply with the status quo—who’s done her thinking, has a strong point of view and isn’t going to let it be ignored.
Someone who’s done playing by the rules of a game that doesn’t have her best interests at heart.
Who’d rather get fired, be alone or lose a friend than condone some infuriating slice of patriarchy in her life.
And a lot of men don’t like that. It doesn’t fly well with their plans.
But she’s got other plans.
I’ve met women who are just trying to “behave,” who rarely speak up, and are happy to just be wallflowers and let men do all the talking. And I never wanted to date or even be friends with a single one of them.
Some seemed happy to just hitch their carts to someone else. To be a part of his plan. Tag along. Whether or not it had anything to do with their values.
But I want a woman who is just fine without a man. Who doesn’t need him to be happy. Nor even some guy singing her praises in some essay.
She’s too busy carving out her own place in the world.
And if she happens to meet a man or not, it’s all ok.
Because she’s got enough going on with her own life to feed her own happiness.
And that’s the most compelling quality of all.
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Also by Mark Radcliffe: 16 Things Your Boyfriend Should be Telling You
Photo: Flickr/thephotographymuse
Hi Erin My hope with this title (and the piece) is to challenge the generally-accepted connotations of the word, to question the patriarchal notion that a woman who asserts herself aggressively is in some way reprehensible or unworthy of respect/ friendship/ admiration. I’m saying, “Hey, if you standing up for yourself and ruffling some feathers gets you called a “bitch,” know that there are some of us who just see it as you exercising your basic human right to disagree with people or challenge their point of view. And we encourage you to keep doing so.” (As long as it’s… Read more »
Mark – I certainly don’t think you had ill intentions by using this word. I still think it’s messed up that you used it. I’ll repeat my earlier request. Insert all the awful, demeaning, racists, sexist, homophobic names you can come up with in your title for that word, and see if any of those fly. We both know they wouldn’t. Why is it acceptable then to persist to use this word that has a long withstanding history in demeaning women. And why do you insist that you can make it more positive instead of substituting actual positive words to… Read more »
Hey Silke
No, I’m just saying that she’s often CALLED a bitch for what is sometimes just her standing up for herself or some principle, but because that act of standing up for herself might have involved raising her voice, or simply not “being nice” or complying with something she found offense, she’s labeled a bitch. And I’m saying what many call a “bitch,” I call “awesome” if all she’s really guilty of doing is putting up some resistance for a damn good reason.
“I’ve met women who are just trying to “behave,” who rarely speak up, and are happy to just be wallflowers and let men do all the talking. And I never wanted to date or even be friends with a single one of them.” I think i know the type you are talking about. But, I have also met the “B*tches” kind, and they are nothing like you described. They usually congregate by themselves and are anti-social. Just being with them is like sitting next to a black hole. I don’t have the time or the patience for that. I need… Read more »
Mark
So a woman that stand up for what is right is a BITCH?
To some people. I just think they are normal though. Most of the women in my family will speak up confidently about things that bother them, that doesn’t make them a bitch though. To me a bitch is cruel, a bully, has a stuck-up better-than-you arrogant attitude.
I am proud to occasionally refer to myself as a ‘B*tch.’ I like men like Mark who are not easily intimidated due to fragile egos. They can hold their own, and understand women who hold their own, based on principles.
I told one man to “Grow the fu-k up” because over time it was apparent he was trying to manage and handle me (manipulate beyond reason), rather than just being real and authentic.
Napoleon Hill, in his best selling book, Think and Grow Rich, discusses empire builders like Henry Ford and Thomas Edison who were/are misunderstood, considered cold-blooded and ruthless. The fact is, these men possessed a clarity of purpose and a definite plan to accomplish that purpose. Every move was singularly focused to accomplish a goal and make a dream become reality. Strong women, women who are clear about their purpose, likewise have a dream with a definite plan. These women refuse to play the victim and excel at ignoring nay-sayers – the ‘well-meaning’ critics. These women can expect their ambition and… Read more »
I feel a bit confused about this piece. I really like where it started – felt like the core messages of it got lost when you started talking about what you personally like in women who “don’t need a man”. I felt like these were two different topics and the “I like ladies who don’t need a man” kind of felt like the kind of talk guys have when they talk about what “cool girls” are like. Like cool girls have threesomes, give bjs non-stop and doesn’t need a man. I also have to say something about the title of… Read more »
If you have any futher doubt about what I’m trying to say about the title, insert other derogatory names used against other groups of people where “B*tch” is, an see if it would still fly for you.