I’m becoming fed up with online dating. Maybe this is a sign that it’s time to take a break.
My issue with the apps is hard to pin down. There seems to be a collection of problems among those online, but, for the sake of convenience, I’ve broken them down into five categories of daters.
The Real Deal
The first group is what I like to call the Real Deal. These guys are exactly who they say they are — nice guys interested in meeting someone. There’s no pretense, just honesty.
Although I haven’t found a match among this group, I admire their tenacity, vulnerability, and optimism.
The Masqueraders
The second group is the Masqueraders.
They play at dating, like actors on a stage. Once matched, communication occurs in spurts of monotonous drivel. There’s endless small talk with minimal action. It’s worse than chitchat at a party. “Hi,” “How are you?” “Whatcha doing?” pepper the message thread. I’m tempted to shoot back, “Hanging out here, trying to find the love of my life!” but don’t.
It’s as if the idea of a relationship supersedes actual interest. Instead of addressing their dating ambivalence, these people play make believe instead of making a real effort to meet someone.
Or maybe, they’re in it for the admiration and attention or for the reassurance that they are datable. Whatever the underlying reason, all their engagement is only for show.
Until recently, I’ve been too nice and tolerated the mind-numbing texts when I should have shouted, “Next!”
The Ghosters
Then there are the Ghosters.
I’ve met two of these, and, honestly, that’s two too many. This group is hard to spot. One guy wanted to hear my favorite memory and shared one of his. Their texts are engaging and feel authentic, that is until it’s time to meet.
The first messaged he was running late but never showed. A few months later, he contacted me again in hopes of a second chance. Not that dumb, I said, “No, thank you.”
The second asked to reschedule our first meetup and then ghosted me.
This group mystifies me. Why go to all the effort to stand someone up? There’s something particularly cruel or malicious about leaving someone waiting. I picture them at home snickering that they wasted my time and dashed my hopes.
There’s been a lasting effect, too; it’s planted a seed of doubt. These days, I think twice before agreeing to go out.
The Bait & Switchers
The next group is what I like to call the Bait & Switchers.
They use the desire for a long-term relationship much like a fisherman puts a worm on a hook. Be careful and don’t fall for the ruse. They are on the hunt for something casual.
Why the false advertisement? Maybe, they fear they’d lose out on the best dates. Or, perhaps, they’ve fooled themselves into thinking they’re after something they’re not.
In the beginning, this group was hard to detect. My neurodivergence makes it challenging to interpret some communication, especially when pretense is involved. So, I got taken in a time or two.
There’s nothing worse than being french kissed five minutes into a date by a total stranger with poor hygiene or being stuck in an awkward situation for an hour or two.
These days, I spot them easier. They like to ask test questions, like, is kissing on the first date permissible? or say that if sex happens, it happens. Once an ulterior motive is detected, I quickly clarify physical contact won’t happen until we both have feelings. That’s led to a few rapid unmatching.
The Pick-up Artists
The final group, who I’ll call the Pickup Artists, is the worst and most damaging. They are like sharks trolling the dating waters for easy marks. This group is masterful at deception.
I’ve been bitten by two of them. Both hinted they conducted online research before our meeting, no doubt so they could tell me what I wanted to hear.
They talked of future activities, dates, and trips and were courteous. One offered to his jacket; the other met me with a bouquet of roses.
Each time I thought I’d met the man of my dreams. They were attentive, thoughtful, and sensitive — that is until they got what they wanted. Then they were gone, leaving me feeling stupid for being duped.
I missed the subtle clues that they were not who they seemed. One bragged he’d studied the art of picking up girls. The other had a string of broken marriages. Both rushed the relationship along and pushed for sex early on.
The encounter with these two guys has damaged my trust. I’m a bit more hesitant in meeting new people and feel a surge of fear as I dress for a date. I question myself and wonder if I’m up to saying no.
My Conclusion to Online Dating
Someone recently called it correctly. “You’ve been burned,” he said.
Yes, I have. Sadly, something supposed to help people find love has left me a bit worn and tattered.
I often hear I’ll meet someone organically though I’m not sure how since my social circle has never been smaller. It would take a miracle; these days, I’m self-employed and rarely leave home.
Dating apps have brought little good to my life, except that it keeps hope alive.
My last dating app subscription ends in a few days. I may let it lapse and see what happens. (No promises, though!) Single life is good; I’ve never been happier.
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After taking a three-month hiatus to revise my book, I’m excited to be back to blogging with a few changes!
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Previously Published on medium
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