If you’ve ever been in a toxic relationship–whether it be platonic, romantic, or even professional–that ended in a smear campaign, then you know that the desire to give yourself closure can lead you to consuming a variety of first-hand accounts, medical journals, and online how-tos in search of a concrete answer as to what happened (and why it happened!)
Since carrying out smear campaigns are generally a hallmark of narcissistic personality disorder, this attempt to give yourself closure can oftentimes lead down a road of privately diagnosing the other person. After all, it just makes sense, doesn’t it? Look at all these traits and behaviors that fit the person you know to a T–now that you know that, you can finally close the book on the situation and move on, right?
Well, not always.
Here’s what to focus on instead (and why it doesn’t matter if the person who hurt you is a narcissist):
Recognize and Understand a Smear Campaign
First off, what is a smear campaign… and how do you recognize one?
Defined as, “A tool narcissists use to villainize their victim; through lies and deception, narcissists gain the support of potential accomplices [through a smear campaign],” this type of relational aggression works to minimize your support system and transfer their faults onto you in order to preserve their self-image.
The three key components of a smear campaign are as follows:
- Projection: Projecting their own dysfunctions or shortcomings onto the victim, to the point of often outright lying about situations.
- Savior Complex: Convincing others that they were the hero in the relationship who was trying to help the victim through therapy, financial help, or other means–when generally it was the victim helping them in these ways. When the victim cuts off contact with the person initiating the smear campaign, the aggressor then uses this as proof that they are “uncooperative” and “refusing help”.
- Victim-Playing: Lastly, the aggressor will frequently publicly portray themselves as the victim in the situation to solidify that any support that should be directed towards the victim is instead directed to them.
Smear campaigns can be orbited around family, friends, work peers, and even strangers.
Acknowledge the Gravity of Being Smeared (and Act Accordingly)
In my case, an ex-friend leveled a variety of harmful allegations at me after I went no-contact because of their erratic behavior.
My parents were told I was apparently a prostitute, an abuser, and considered myself an only child (when I have a younger brother who I love). To my cousin, I was apparently in urgent need of psychiatric care and was at risk of suicide. This former friend harassed my mother over Facebook, text, voicemail, and email for weeks on end after being told to stop numerous times.
Multiple mutual friends unfriended me on social media to the point where I gave up and deleted the remainder. This person even bragged about approaching a work client of mine to try to “determine” if I had been exchanging sexual favors with them for money.
To my face, I was then accused of being a serial killer, of having a personality disorder, and having multiple STDs… while they simultaneously pleaded to have the friendship restored. They directed sexually explicit accusations to my father in an attempt to embarrass me.
They reiterated that no one would believe me if I spoke out and that everyone thought they were an “empath”. They gloated that they’d “finally driven [me] to the point of wanting out” of the city I was living in. Sometimes there were hundreds of messages to me a day, all of which swung wildly between me being the problem to them apologizing profusely for becoming so “spiteful”… with no signs of the allegations slowing down.
It raged on for close to two months until I broke down and finally gave in to my family’s suggestion that I file a harassment complaint–which I should have done earlier, as it was the only thing that made it all stop. By this point, I had developed anxiety so acute I needed to start going to counseling.
While all of this fallout wasn’t avoidable, filing the legal complaint sooner would have mitigated it if I’d known the full extent of the knock-on impacts of a smear campaign.
Know That Someone Doesn’t Have to Be a Narcissist to Initiate a Smear Campaign
Now that you know the ins and outs of a smear campaign and how negative of an impact one can have on your life, it’s time for the final point: knowing that someone doesn’t have to be a narcissist to initiate a smear campaign.
Because a relationship with a narcissist–or narcissistic person–often ends without any closure, it can be tempting to go out of your way to conduct your own research and come to your own answers. However, that won’t lead you towards healing: if done for long enough, it even runs the risk of keeping you trapped in a victim mindset instead of being able to move on and focus fully on yourself.
For four months, I was trapped in a cycle of consuming media about smear campaigns and what conditions commonly trigger them–all without realizing that I should have been pouring my energy into things I could do for myself to move past this. I was stuck in a loop of wondering what they were doing, what they were saying about me, and if people really believed what had been said about me. Seeking an online diagnosis of my former friend and beating myself up for the (many!) things I felt I’d done wrong when our friendship dissolved wasn’t going to provide me any closure: living well and seeking out healthier friendships was the only thing that was.
While steps towards healing from a toxic relationship will vary from person to person, positive action can include:
- Strengthening your own social circle
- Maintaining a nourishing diet
- Staying connected with family members
- Moving your body daily
- Reconnecting with hobbies you may have been neglecting
- Setting short-term professional goals
- Making sure you’re getting a minimum of eight hours of sleep per night
- Taking stock of your relationship with the person in question and outlining what boundaries and behaviors you won’t tolerate in future relationships, both from yourself and other people
While identifying narcissistic traits in a person with whom you had a negative relationship with may temporarily be soothing, helping yourself flourish is the only thing that will help propel your life in a positive direction long-term. And the only way to do that is to shift the focus to you, not them.
Final Thoughts
It doesn’t matter if the person is a narcissist: what matters is that they’ve done harm to your life, and you’re better off without them!
You’ve survived the hardest part. Now it’s time to heal.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock