“I figured if I was nice, I would impress girls. If I was nice enough, I would get a girlfriend.”
I’ve heard this so many times. And for the record, I think it’s incredible. How awesome does a human have to be in order to understand that basic kindness is the bedrock of all relationships? When young men say this to me, it warms my heart. These are lovely, beautiful people, and they’re going to do well in life.
But they’re not going to get a girlfriend. If they do, it’s likely to be shallow, unfulfilling and short lived.
That’s because ‘nice’ is what you do when you’re scared to be who you really are.
Nice is a tool. It’s a predetermined set of behaviors that can be followed in casual social situations in order to avoid awkwardness and hurt feelings. It’s a default setting, and one that works really, really well for 90% of your life—in the office, going to the bank, meeting someone new, walking down the street. Without nice, rudeness would reign in restrooms, yelling matches would pepper our time on public transit, and don’t even get me started on the damage the service industry would inflict on customers, unfettered by this do-no-harm social code. Sent a steak back to the kitchen? Prepare to be punched in the face by the chef.
Nice prevents us from clawing at each other’s’ throats. It’s the lubricant that allows complex, weird, hurting people to have social intercourse without too much soreness afterwards. Emotionally, I mean.
It also separates us from the real, authentic experience we’re having every moment. It gives us an excuse not to share that authentic experience with the people who are experiencing it with us. Because it’s pre-set and default, it’s autopilot. It’s a way for us to cop out. Nice is a way to momentarily disown the dirty ugly parts of ourselves that we are so afraid others will see.
Nice is denying the shadow; the parts of yourself that you wish weren’t part of you …. That means it’s denying others—especially romantic partners—the opportunity to know and love you for who you really are.
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Nice is denying the shadow; the parts of yourself that you wish weren’t part of you. It’s pretending you don’t feel afraid, or inadequate, or sometimes lost or often lonely. It’s denying that you are a complex, weird, difficult person who struggles in the world and deserves to be wholly loved and accepted anyways. That means it’s denying others—especially romantic partners—the opportunity to know and love you for who you really are.
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We’re all weirdos. We’re all hurting. We all have things about ourselves that we think are so awful that we aren’t even aware they are part of us, because we’re denying them so hard. Nice is one of the main tools we use to deny those things. “I’m not angry!” we cry. “I’m nice!'”
The truth is, you’re neither. You’re much more than what you feel. There are real women in the world who want desperately to see the truth of you. Even the parts you don’t like.
While it makes sense to eschew our freak flags in favor of social niceties 90% of the time, it is a terrible way to approach women you want to be with. It negates the possibility of real intimacy, stops the beautiful flower of connection from sprouting. We’re taught that we have to be nice in order to be worthy, acceptable, lovable. While it’s true that we have to be nice sometimes, in order to maintain social equilibrium, it’s also true that we can let our nice shield down with those who matter. Which is scary! Very scary! It’s the single most vulnerable thing a person can do.
We are yearning for your authentic presence. Can you provide it?
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Can you be brave enough to do that for the women you care about? We are yearning for your authentic presence. Can you provide it?
Some women want nice, and not just while you’re out at restaurants or meeting her parents for the first time. Those are the ones with whom you’ll eventually feel lonely in love, always a little bit separate from each other and from the real juicy wet sexy awkward moments of your life together. That’s because you’re helping each other maintain separation from your selves. I’ve been there. I dated nice guys, and then wondered why it felt like I was dating a cardboard cut out. When these guys eventually, inevitably showed me who they really were, it was with resentment: they had held back, denied themselves, and all to please me. It hurt them, and they blamed me for that hurt. It’s hard to come back from that in a relationship.
What women—evolved, mature, powerful women—actually need is a man who embodies the divinity of manhood. This may sound mystical, but it’s not. Every man is sacred, can touch the sacred masculine within him, can be a man who stands in compassion, loyalty, and honor, who cares enough to realize that only his true, unfiltered presence is good enough for this world. A man with a powerful heart, who can hold a woman in his presence, who can weather her emotional storms, who is nourished by being near her and sees her divinity and gives endlessly of himself.
I dated nice guys, and then wondered why it felt like I was dating a cardboard cut out. When these guys eventually, inevitably showed me who they really were, it was with resentment: they had held back, denied themselves, and all to please me.
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That may seem like nice, and it’s true that they have a lot in common. But it’s different from nice in two critical ways. First, Nice is pretending. Nice is prefabricated, sterile, and not from the heart. If you’re acting from the heart, then congratulations—you’re much more than just nice. Most men who are motivated to be kind and caring are much more than Nice.
The second part has to do with masculine energy. Yang, Mars, active, hot; cultures around the world have used many different words to describe that certain masculine something which is definitely not nice … and definitely something straight women crave. I’m talking about physicality, competition, lust. A demanding, sensual, immediate, winner-takes-all, intense … oh my. I’m getting turned on just writing about it.
Embodying that energy may seem like being a jerk. In the ‘bad boy’ archetype, where that energy isn’t tempered by the loyalty and compassion that’s also integral to the sacred masculine, it does play out as guys being a**holes. Women go for bad boys because at least they know a bad boy can ravish them.
These two halves of masculinity are compatible. They can meet and make a whole, when a genuine, caring man also owns his lust, his insatiable, raw, unapologetic fire and desire.
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But these two halves of masculinity are compatible. They can meet and make a whole, when a genuine, caring man also owns his lust, his insatiable, raw, unapologetic fire and desire. That is what women need, what we find irresistible, what we daren’t dream of in our wildest darkest hour of yearning … but dream of anyways.
It’s so much more than nice. It’s like a gourmet feast, and nice is just the appetizer, meant to whet our appetites and hint at the glorious, terrifying, powerful man who’s taking the time to be nice to us.
Some women genuinely seek out jerks. Some men do this, too. That’s because they’re playing out childhood trauma, acting out past hurts and confusions to try to make sense of them. It’s not because all women want, need or love jerks.
We don’t.
We want guys who are nice. But we need them to be more than that. We need men who aren’t afraid to stand in their power with us. Who are brave enough to cast off the trappings of nice, be authentic, be imperfect, have needs, and share those needs with us. Men who are brave enough to stop hiding behind nice, and show us who they really are.
If you can do that, you’ve got me. You’ve got the girl. And she’ll never let you go.
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Photo—Shutterstock
The thing is once you legitimately fall in love with different hobbies or set specific goals for yourself to reach, that’s when the women become attracted to you all of a sudden. The problem with that is, that’s when you start not giving a shit that they find you attractive now because you have other things now that you are interested and other things that you want to achieve. I’ve been the guy at parties that witnessed women giving it up to everyone back in their 20’s a few years later when they are in their 30’s they want to… Read more »
I really appreciate most of the content from this page, but if I read one more article with phrases “a man standing in his power” or “sacred masculine,” etc., I may explode. Just be real. Be yourself. That’s all.
the word “nice” is a misnomer don’t be a spineless people pleasing wimp who care if the girl or women you are attracted to doesn’t agree with you or even like you she’s a freaking stranger in the end opinions or validation don’t count for much for the stranger don’t
*mean a hell of a lot when it comes to getting a date or number…
More mindless nonsense from the media.
Good article, thank you it really spoke to what i’m going through in life right now
stay single women are useless
One of the oldest debates in the history of dating and relationships, and still some people can’t get it right. The battle has never been “nice” vs “not nice”. It has always been between “authentic” and “inauthentic”. Be honest with yourself and always strive to be the best version of yourself, and that is all there is to it in life. If women can’t handle it, that is their problem.
Guys kathrin is right, imho.
Very smart men stay single. Less aggravation, pain, and misery. Oh and a lot more extra money in our pocket.
Money alone never made me happy and I’ve spent a lot
Sondheim said it best when he wrote the lyrics, “You’re not good. You’re just nice” in the song “The Last Midnight” from “Into the Woods”. There’s a difference between being simply a good, decent person and being a “nice” person. To be nice is to show fear of hurting somebody and thinking too deeply about how you would react to being treated “not so nicely”. I prefer to be a good, decent man, because it allows me to be human, have my own limits and emotional levels and allows me to share my displeasure when somebody goes out of their… Read more »
Pathetic choice for an article and much more worse is the author’s thoughts.Editor should have some discretion in choosing what to publish and what not to. Looks like the author haven’t met good/nice men around her. Please grow up. Nice men aren’t fake , and nice is not what we are forced to do when we are in a social group.
basically one needs to be a jerk and an asshole to have a wholesome relationship
and frankly it is both irritating and idiotic to hear nice = fake aka “That’s because ‘nice’ is what you do when you’re scared to be who you really are.” thats rubbish. i’m bold enough to be this way. i am bold enough to be compassionate to other life forms. but apparently, i need to be shallow, lacking in substance and not nice. i need to be a jerk. i have to be something else. bah. women are in it either for the money or for the sex. they marry nice people and have sex with filthy bastards and call… Read more »
Bingo, and the quicker you realize that and become one of those assholes the better your luck will be. I was the epitome of nice guy, once I changed that and just started focusing on my own well being. Things just slowly start to fall into place.
I’m 39 yrs old single and never had a girlfriend since 1997 until 2017. True when girls say where are the good guys and we are all around but they reject us for being ourselves. No women can change me for being a nice guy. If we are bad to them then they whinge too much on how bad we treat them. Women only give divorced men a second chance but single men forget it
Very well said man!
I don’t like being single but I can’t lie to myself and pretend that I’m not an ugly fat ass, not obese but not thin either. It due to medical issues that are incurable. Besides that I have nothing to offer, I’m working poor, have no friends and really not someone that is worth knowing. Not to mention, who wants iron when they can have gold or platinum?
Mr. Nobody never put yourself down or think negative about yourself. I was like that once thinking I’m ugly or I’m not worthy of a girlfriend.
Thats Bullshit Mr Nobody aka “Mr. Somebody”…idek you and I give a damn about you. Ppl these days fail to recognize and/or accept the ppl out there that are/feel broken in MANY of the same ways…and have a similar understanding when they finally do connect. My thought on this is much deeper, logical, etc…but for now the point is there’s someone like you and for you…you’ll bring value and understanding to eachothers lives
I Am Staying Single Anyways, And I Do Anything And Everything That I Can Too Push Women Away And Unatract Them!!! Ignoring Stupid Women Does Not Always Work, So I Avoid Them At All Costs Too!!! Thank You For The Advice Of Other Ways Too Keep Women Permanently Out Of My Life, Good Riddence!!!!!
Really? Wow. This is one of those female fantasies that is a beautiful dream but something very few women want in real life. Seems like the moment I gently stand my ground and refuse to be a doormat I instantly go from being “so sweet” to being the biggest asshole she’s ever known. Women don’t want nice guys to make them happy. They want nice guys to be their doormats that they walk all over and punish for all their own anger. Women don’t want bad boys to ravish them. They want bad boys to punish them for whatever it… Read more »
I learned something from this piece. Nice guys, this is the kind of woman you stay away from. What a vile sick human being. She fails to grasp the good in human nature – the good in men – so, due to her failure in understanding – she attempts to explain it by dismissing it. Sounds like a cry for help. Imagine the crude, vile, emotional vibes that possess this person on a daily basis – so destructive is this person – so detached from common decency and good human behavior – that she, instead, tramples it. I wish more… Read more »
If nice equals fake then apparently I’m the most fake person here. Thanks for the motivation.
Exactly! What a cop-out excuse for why women pick morons to date. Blame men for being fake?! haha!
by what i undrstnd what the writer is trying to say is be at ur default settings(nice) when ur with her attending social gatherings, partys, meeting her parents, at resturants, meeting other ppl. etc. but when ur xclusively with her b what ur, a mix of both default & custom settings , b unfiltered . and i know that kind of men exist, i know such a man. but that question is does that kind of women exist, unfiltered ?????
Hmmmm, an attractive woman attempting to be cool by not wanting nice guys !
But here cool = fake it’s teenage stuff from planet Hollywood. Encouraging more dysfunction in both sexes.
Guys stick to your guns, don’t change to a sterotype created by women who drink cool aid.
Men and women, don’t buy the c$$$, be authentic leaders living to your own created values and acting on your dreams.
Now that’s what I call sexy !
I think “kind” is a better word. Kind allows room for strength, loyalty, firmness, and even some occasional anger. But those are always rooted in a basic desire to care for, encourage, and support others, especially your partner. It’s a difficult balance to find, and it took me almost 30 years to figure it out for myself, but once I did, it just felt right, like a good equilibrium. Never cruel nor cowardly; never give up, never give in.
Meh, you can have the not-nice guys.
Good luck with that.
I’ll be the guy studying my masters, learning French and going on adventures with friends who don’t want more from me than I already am while we laugh at all the 30+ year old women who say they can’t find good guys. We’re around, we just don’t care to meet your expectations anymore.
Thank you for such a great article, I am almost 33 and never had a girlfriend and have always been a nice guy when it came to dating. This is the main reason why nothing would last more than a month or so. Thanks again for such a great article that truly hits home!!!!!
I will tell you something that women can’t quite put into words for men understand. Imagine a spectrum. At one end is the nice guy. (No backbone/spills his emotional guts). You don’t want to be that guy. At the other end of the spectrum is the Macho man. (Insecure/controlling/domineering). You don’t want to be that guy either. In the middle is the Gentle-Man. Nice guys get confused by what “nice” means. So they swing to opposite end of the spectrum and think that being an asshole will get women. “nice” to women in “womanese” means “no back bone”. And trust… Read more »
I just posted an emotional comment and then scrolled down to read more. I see your comment and I think, shit this sounds like everything I already knew but never quite put together. Where did you learn this?
Smart people always do.