Writer Sarah Fader has had it with traditional, male-dominated dating sites. So she’s starting one—perfect for feminists, both male and female.
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My brief experience with online dating taught me that I hate it with a fiery passion. As a woman, I felt objectified and like a lot of the men on there wanted to see pictures of me so that they could judge if I was hot enough to go out for coffee with. I was already resentful and angry. And I know that I’m not alone. My female friends who have been involved in online dating have commiserated with me on this.
When I received multiple requests for photographs of myself, I wondered why I was on the spot. It seemed entirely unfair. These men were demanding things of me, yet they were held to no aesthetic standard. I declined request after request to see more pictures of myself, because the first picture I uploaded looked like me. If they wanted to meet me in person, they would find out exactly what I looked like and furthermore, why were they so preoccupied with looks? I want to be attracted to a person’s physical appearance as well as their soul. I couldn’t understand why these people were obsessing over seeing different angles of me.
I deleted my profile after a brief stint on a popular dating site. The initial plunge I took into joining an online dating site was to see who was out there. I wasn’t sure who I was looking for or even if I wanted a relationship. I just wanted to explore the territory. I was lamenting to my friend Alex about how difficult this whole process was, online dating that is, and she said “Don’t think of it as dating. It’s just meeting new friends.” Well, I don’t know about you, but my “friends” don’t ask to see pictures of my ass. I declined that invitation for the record.
After my failure at traditional online dating, I got to thinking. I was lamenting to my friend Chris via text about how much I hated the online dating scene. Then he wrote “there should be a dating site where women screen the men before they join.” I felt a flash of light hit me in the face. “That is genius.” I texted him back. We started brainstorming and I said to him “I’m going to make that site.” “Yes!” He replied. “Can I help?” He asked. “Of course.” I replied.
Chris is a Feminist and passionate about gender equality. So we started thinking more about the logistics of how this would work. I brought on board my friend Courtney, also a feminist, non-binary and gender fluid. My girl Candice offered to run the social media for this embryo of an idea and before we knew it we were developing a feminist dating website.
Chris and I began tossing around names. It started out by free association. I asked him what he thought about when he heard the term “empowered woman.” He said “goddesses.” Then we began naming all the Greek goddesses. Naturally we came to Aphrodite, as she is the goddess of love. Then we started thinking about what quality we could apply to Aphrodite to communicate the fact that she was seeking love. Chris came up with “Lonely Aphrodite.”
You may be wondering why a feminist dating site is necessary or useful to men. The reality is that this type of site is beneficial to both sexes. In a relationship, both individuals need to be equally respected. That is one of the fundamental principles of feminism—gender equality. Women and men are equal and this should manifest in a romantic relationship. Unfortunately on traditional dating websites, the men run the show. The burden of proof is on women to show that they’re attractive enough for the hoards of men waiting have their way with them. This is the philosophy that we at Lonely Aphrodite want to fight against.
Men have had their proverbial foot on the gas for ages. It’s time to flip the burden proof on its head and allow women the opportunity to get behind the wheel. The panel of women at Lonely Aphrodite will be reading essays from men who actively want to join the site. The reasons for wanting to join will range from man to man. In addition to the usual dating site questionnaire, which asks the user for information about themselves, the men will have the opportunity to speak about women’s rights or another topic of the panel’s choosing.
Here’s a message to the men of the Internet: I invite you all warmly to join Lonely Aphrodite. I want to hear what you have to say. I am interested in your brains, not just your bodies. I want to hear what is going on inside your mind.
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Photos: (Top) Flickr: Justin Pocta and (Middle) Courtesy of Sarah Fader
Lonely Aphrodite will be launching in 2016. Please click here to learn more about us.
https://www.funddreamer.com/campaigns/lonely-aphrodite-a-feminist-dating-website
And get Sarah’s new book!
I’m sorry but I disagree with the premise that men have the advantage in the dating game anywhere. Women get to effectively screen men from the moment either one of them gets interested. It’s always been that way, and it always will be.
If there is a totally free site I will join.
Dear Sarah, Speaking as a feminist guy I think this is a great idea! The one thing I’d love to see on Lonely Aphrodite is less emphasis on pictures (and more superficial features like weight, height, body type, ethnicity, hair color, hair length, eye color etc.) and more on the text that emphasizes peoples’ personalities. That, I believe, would represent a win for feminism. Allow the profiles of even those users who choose not to upload a picture to appear in other peoples’ match lists. And speaking of match lists, I’m hoping that the matchmaking algorithms would also be more… Read more »
Sarah, there are a lot of negative comments here, which must feel a bit discouraging when you are stepping out and taking a risk. So, even though I consider feminism to be a fundamentally flawed movement, I think you have a pretty big “niche” market, and I wish you success in your efforts. A constructive thought to try countering the negativity: Even though a lot of reactions I read thought your site will make it even harder for men, but I think this site will actually work out extremely well for the men who join it. Normally men on dating… Read more »
I am a 47 year old male feminist. I realized that I believed in gender equality at an early age growing up with three older sisters in the Philippines. I have personally been involved with the Center Against Domestic Violence. Even as I push for gender equality in whatever way I can, I realize and accept the differences between men and women. It is important to know these to minimize frustration in interacting with and understanding both genders. Male bashing is never good but men who are realized know that it is inherent in us to be jerks and assholes.… Read more »
I am a 47 year old male feminist. I realized that I believed in gender equality at an early age growing up with three older sisters in the Philippines. I have personally been involved with the Center Against Donestic Violence. Even as I push for gender equality in whatever way I can, I realize and accept the differences between men and women. It is important to know these to minimize frustration in interacting with and understanding both genders. Male bashing is never good but men who are realized know that it is inherent in us to be jerks and assholes.… Read more »
“Here’s a message to the men of the Internet: I invite you all warmly to join Lonely Aphrodite. I want to hear what you have to say. I am interested in your brains, not just your bodies. I want to hear what is going on inside your mind. ” Here’s the thing. There is nothing wrong with a feminist dating site. It’s no different than a Christian dating site, etc. Here’s the thing. By your own admission, not all ,men are going to be accepted. Based on what you’ve written it seems that it’s only those men who have the… Read more »
I see the hardships you suffered in online dating and can only be amazed at how much romantic and sexual power you have.
I think this is what they mean by privilege being invisible to the people that have it.
Random men online asking for more pictures of your body or asking you how big your breasts are and how much your weight in no way, shape of form makes any woman feel sexually or romantically ‘powerful’. Instead of mocking women’s experiences, perhaps you could actually listen to what we are saying? I think the author made it very clear why these experiences did not make her feel empowered. When a man tells me that something he has experiences makes him feel a certain way, I don’t mock him, get sarcastic, or tell him that he really has ‘power’ for… Read more »
Maybe that is just your privilege blinding you then?
I am not being sarcastic or mocking, I am being honest.
This complaint about unwanted or rude attention is like being given a bag of gold and shit shit only to bitch about having to sort out the shit.
Anonguy, my privilege? Exactly what privilege is that? I would love to know what ‘privilege’ you think I have when men make my body the most important part of who I am and ask personal and invasive questions about my body to garner my worth to them? The privilege of men telling me that I should weight less for my height or that I should consider getting implants? I’m a size ‘a’. Do you know many men have made condecending comments about the size of my breasts when I was younger and infact would tell them these details? Please tell… Read more »
“Anonguy, my privilege? Exactly what privilege is that?” Yah men tend to also react like you did when told they are privileged. Your instinct is to justify it or deny. This is why feminists say you are blind to your own privilege and you should be reminded to watch for it. I don’t believe you can’t see the advantage of say being given lots of Job offers that you have to sort the shitty ones out of the good vs having to apply and see if you make it past sorting? That is really what the OP is looking for… Read more »
Anon guy, the fact that you believe it’s my privilege when men make objectifying and degrading comments to me tells me that there is disconnect in your ability to relate to women. Do you really believe it’s okay for a man to ask a woman her breast size? Do you really think it’s okay that men have told me how I can ‘improve’ my body? Do you really think it’s okay to bombard women for pictures of their bodies so that these men can gage her worth to him while also stock piling images of women on their desktops for… Read more »
“Anon guy, the fact that you believe it’s my privilege when men make objectifying and degrading comments to me tells me”
You know when you make a strawman argument like this I can’t think you are arguing in good faith.
I also think you have some deep contempt for men…. maybe you should work on that.
The fact of the mater is many men would kill to have the privilege you pretend many women don’t have.
Being the desired is very much a privilege, being harassed is not the same thing. Stop making straw arguments…
“I also think you have some deep contempt for men…. maybe you should work on that. ” Instead of engaging me in a mutual dialogue where we could discuss ideas, you’ve decided it’s better to make a personal attack in an attempt to shut the conversation down. That’s a shame. It’s also a shame that you believe it’s good enough for you to say ‘stop making straw agruments’ without having anything to back up that claim as well. But I am always open to learning more about myself. So please show me in any of my writing where I have… Read more »
@ Erin
There’s really nothing preventing women from asking men out. If men had it better, wouldn’t women just start asking men out?
How does asking men out or initiating connect solve any of the issues I presented?
Sure, women can ask men out. That does not prevent from men asking highly selfish and inappropiate questions that seem to have become common place. Even if you are the first to say ‘hi’ to a guy or initiated contact, you really think he’s not going to ask those same questions if he doesn’t want to?
@ Erin First, you get to read his profile. You can see whether you have interests in common. You can comment on those things and start and so frame the discussion. I doubt many men looking for an LTR would respond to I loved that book too what did you think about with a request for a picture of your butt. There are some people out there who are jerks and only after what they can get from another person. It’s OK to say this isn’t working for me. At least for women, they don’t need to spend several hours… Read more »
John – I think you would be surprised about the things men say to you online. Even articulate men who *are* nice but for whatever reason, are so out of touch with how to talk to a woman, they ask for invasive things.
No one needs to buy anyone else dinner on a first date. I actually prefer not going out to dinner when I’m first meeting someone. Coffee or drinks is fine.
So I have to write an essay and be judged by a panel before I can get the chance to be ignored and rejected. What exactly is the value proposition for men here?
Doesn’t it seem a little hypocritical that your logo features an extremely attractive woman with huge boobs when you’re wanting to build a dating site where women aren’t being judged by their appearances?
That’s right. “In the pursuit of equality, women will get to join our website freely while men will have to submit an essay proving that they are not a creep and they will be judged by a panel of women as to whether they are worthy of being among us. Only then will they have the privilege of being able to talk to us. Equality!” Go-go feminist logic. The sense of entitlement in this article is baffling. Oh, you felt you were being judged because of your looks? It’s almost as if humans are visual animals that seek out physically… Read more »
This idea is a start, but it’s not gender equality.
Something’s missing. How about this:
Women get to approve or reject male profiles. But women are required to initiate at least 3 conversations a week, or their profiles get deleted.
I like your thinking, but deleting profiles would be a bad business model; you never want to lose customers. How about rewarding users for desirable behavior, like initiating unique, moderate-length messages, or responding to initial messages in a reasonable time. Users could be rewarded with improved exposure or other perks.
Profile deletion may be a bit much. How about something like if they don’t initiate enough conversations their profile won’t be featured as prominently. Or maybe some sort of ratio system where in order to receive messages from men they have to send messages out as well. For example in order to view 5 inbound messages a woman must send at least 2 outbound messages. Meaning that if she has 10 messages in her box in order to read them all she will have to send at least 4 outbound messages. That’s not a perfect model just something off the… Read more »
There was an article on GMP just the other day about a guy why was constantly getting accosted for pictures of his penis by women on dating sites he was frequenting. Objectification is not exclusively something men do to women, Sarah. Espically online where there’s greater anonymity.
As for your offer, I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline. I personally find online dating sites to be a massive waste of time, and the description of yours does nothing to convince me it’ll be any different.
I see young men at the gym driven by huge body image pathology. They are doing it to try to be attractive to women. If they are resorting to steroids it is going to do serious physical damage to add to the psychological. So yeah….. men have it rough too. But unlike women they do not get any support or even awareness. They truly suffer in silence with no hope.
Wow. Great idea!
I will offer you $1.99 for 75% equity in this venture.
Any other sharks want in?
You express being tired of dating sites that are dominated by the male perspective where women are expected to prove themselves to men. Fair enough. Then he wrote “there should be a dating site where women screen the men before they join.” I felt a flash of light hit me in the face. “That is genius.” I texted him back. We started brainstorming and I said to him “I’m going to make that site.” “Yes!” He replied. “Can I help?” He asked. “Of course.” I replied. So your solution is a dating site where men have to prove themselves to… Read more »
“question do women have to do go through any sort of screening process?”
And does a tribunal of men do the screening? I’m guessing no. What does that say about the assumptions being made? There’s a belief that says what you put out you get back. I suspect that is a bigger indicator of dating success.
And does a tribunal of men do the screening? I’m guessing no.
I would guess no because they would probably think that having a panel of men screen women trying to join the site would perpetuate the supposed “male domination” of the current online dating scene.
Make no mistake this isn’t about equality, this is about revenge. Women tired of having expectations heaped on them by men so they are getting their jollies by heaping expectations back onto men rather than breaking the system of expectations altogether.
“Unfortunately on traditional dating websites, the men run the show” Actually, it’s the other way around, as a previous poster has pointed out. It is well known that the ratior of men to women on most (if not all) online dating sites are heavily favored towards women. As such most women have the pick of the litter when it comes to choosing with whom they want to message with and ultimately date. While there are some more enlightend women on online dating that have no qualms about messaging a man first and making the intinital contact, by and large this… Read more »
There is absolutely no way that dating is a rotten deal for women compared to men. If a woman gets messaged by men she doesn’t like or in a way that she doesn’t like then she can ignore those messages and just pay attention to the ones she likes. Hardly a terrible situation. Compare that to the endless hours a man has to spend to get anything happening at all. And yes after years of your life have been wasted a person can be forgiven for trying to find ways to find out if the effort will be worthwhile sooner… Read more »
“There is absolutely no way that dating is a rotten deal for women compared to men.” As a woman, who has experience dating and online dating, I can 100% guarantee you that my experiences in dating are no less frustrating, annoying, upsetting, bothersome, tiring and soul-crushing as your experiences in dating as a man. The sad reality is that the comment you made above is not uncommon where many of you guys believe women live in a magical-wonderland of dating, sex and experiences that just isn’t the case for the vast majority of us regular girls. Please see women as… Read more »
Hi Erin, I can believe that dating for women isn’t any more fun and may be *just* as difficult as it is for men, even if it’s difficult for different reasons. You may be able to understand why dating is difficult for men, but the author Sarah Fader obviously doesn’t, as she makes a point out of men running the show and having all the advantage. BTW, I just came back from a week away from the keyboard, and saw that you had left an answer in our discussion about “Meet your second wife” https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/meet-your-second-wife-strikes-a-nerve-for-the-man-box-jrmk/#comments And, well, you really managed… Read more »
Me, get something wrong? *wink* It’s been known to happen on occasion. I think that it can *feel* that men are running the show. I have had that feeling a lot in dating. The author is simply telling you how it feels to her. I have had men, on dating websites, who advertised their desire for monogamous relationship ask me for sex or other sexual acts the first time we met. Or they want to know what female celebrities I think are hot and other totally disconnected and ridiculous things to ask. It’s like one big hunt for finding a… Read more »
Erin, “I think that it can *feel* that men are running the show. I have had that feeling a lot in dating. The author is simply telling you how it feels to her.” I’ve had experience of trying to get in contact with perhaps a hundred women, perhaps much more than that, in my lifetime. Most of them, the vast, vast majority, whether in person or by any dating device, have simply shut me out. Turned away and not bothered to answer, not even offering the courtesy of a “Thanks, but no thanks”. And I have never succumbed to make… Read more »
Okay FlyingKal. Men have very little advantages in dating. Women have them all. We are sitting at home waiting for opportunities to shut men out or shut them down with the massive amount of control we’ve accumulated since evil Feminism demanded men treat women differently. When you struggle in dating, it’s not because of anything you could be doing or your choices. Women are the problem because women wield the power and control. But when I struggle in dating, it’s because of my choices. Did I get that right?
What’s the selling point of your feminist dating site to men? How will my online dating experience be better on Lonely Aphrodite than on other sites? Will my chances of getting replies be greater once I’ve been vetted by the committee? Women don’t send many messages to my pro-feminist profile on OKC, are they more likely to do so once I’ve jumped through your additional hoop? There are plenty of problems with conventional dating sites, but I’m not sure your proposal for Lonely Aphrodite solves many of them.
Treating men and women differently and calling it equality.
So not only will I be judged by the women on the site itself (and yes by God women do judge men on sites like these. While I’ve never been asked about my ass, I have been quizzed about my height, income and other ahem “assets”) but I have to be judged by women to even get on the site in the first place.
Good luck I guess, but I’m not interested. Guys like me don’t look good on paper,anyway
Well, Sarah,
I think you should try posting a male profile on some popular dating site and try messaging women if you want to find out how men actually experience online dating. I’m betting you would think men “have their foot on the pedal” after that.
Also, if you think men are only interested in women’s looks, you might try posting that male profile without any pictures and see how many women will want to talk to you at all.
Isn’t the ‘burden of the proof’ on traditional’ dating sites on men to show that they are attractive enough to merit a response from the women they send messages to?
This is an exciting experiment, and I hope it goes quite well. I will respectfully disagree when you say “The burden of proof is on women to show that they’re attractive enough for the hoards of men waiting have their way with them.” Especially in a tone that suggests there isn’t a burden of proof on men. The ratios of men to women on these sites are absolutely atrocious. And even worse is the ratio of messages sent per man vs messages sent per woman. For men it’s in the hundreds, while a lot of girls simply don’t start any… Read more »
Some men – too many – go to dating sites thinking it’s a mail order catalog for the porn industry. They ask for these insulting pictures of various parts of a woman’s anatomy because the woman as a living human being is not part of their consciousness.